It's weird living with other human beings. I'm so accustomed to living alone and not having to account for my whereabouts or "talk." I love the luxury of coming home and being quiet if I desire. I love it that I don't have to listen to someone's day and how it went. After a full day of work, I appreciate the pleasure in not having to talk or listen to another human being.
So, it's Thursday and it's time to pontificate about -- yup, you guessed it -- relationships! LOL
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-=[ Self-Worth ]=-
Mention relationships and people immediately stop whatever they're doing and listen. We all want to relate -- to love and be loved. At least that's my observation. The thing is that relationship has many forms and meanings. I usually write about romantic relationships because they seem to be the most important to us. However, the most important relationship is our relationship to our selves.
In actuality, you already have met your soulmate, this all so elusive "the One," your "soulmate"
I know that's a fucked up thing to say. I know you all watched Jerry Maguire and creamed your pannies when he tells the girl, "You complete me"
That's some sick shit, people. LOL!
To live your life firmly convinced that you are incomplete, that somehow you don't matter until someone gives you something that completes you, is to condemn yourself to a lifetime of needless suffering. If you have no self-worth, then who will find you worthy?
I don't think so. You're still looking, right? I will tell you this: if you feel incomplete, you will always feel that way, no one can complete you. You are a fully functioning human being -- a majority of one -- as my good friend and poet, Piri Thomas, likes to say.
Self-worth is a concept, an attitude, a feeling, an image; and it is manifested through behavior. People often have a hard time expressing how they might be feeling at any particular moment. They struggle to find the right words. Every person has a feeling of worth, positive or negative. The question remains if your self-worth is negative or positive, and how much of it is there?
Self-worth is the ability to value one's self and to treat oneself with dignity and love while in touch with reality. This last part is key. I hear people say all the time, "I love myself" but if their self-worth is flawed, then what exactly are they loving? If prop up and support a structure that's faulty isn't it still faulty? Therefore, true self-worth has an aspect of reality testing to it, in addition to love and dignity.
Anyone who is loved is open to change. Our bodies are no different. I am firmly convinced that the crucial factor most important in what happens both inside people and between people is one's self-worth.
Integrity, honesty, responsibility, compassion, love, and competence -- all these traits flow easily from people whose self-worth is high. We feel that we matter, that the world is a better place because we have a place in it. We have confidence and faith in our own competence. We are able to ask others for help, yet are secure that we can make our own decisions and are our own best resource. In appreciating our own self-worth, we are ready to receive and respect the worth of others. We radiate trust, hope, and in that way attract those who possess those qualities to us. Intelligence directs our actions and we accept all of ourselves as human.
People of high self-worth are people of vitality. It is true that all of us experience times when we become full of doubt, when it all gets too tiring and the problems of life seem more than we can manage. But people of vitality treat these momentary times of low self-worth as just what they are: a crisis of the moment. The two major components of crisis are danger and opportunity. The former is obvious, the latter is not so obvious but crucial.
The reality is that crisis is oftentimes the birth pains of a new possibility -- a way to reinvent ourselves. We may feel a sense of uncomfortability initially, but we know we can emerge from this crisis whole.
People who feel they have little worth expect to be cheated, stepped on, and unappreciated by others. This thinking leads the way to living as a victim. The sad fact is that in expecting the worst, these people actually attract it and usually get it. Then, as a defense strategy, they build a fortress of distrust around their hearts and sink into a terrible feeling of loneliness and isolation. Separated from other people, they become indifferent toward themselves and those they come into contact. It's hard for them to hear, see, or think clearly, and therefore they tend to step on others. People of low self-worth build huge walls that they use to hide and then deny they are doing this.
Fear then permeates their lives because it's a natural consequence of distrust and isolation. Love is a quality marked by a feeling of openness, while fear constrains us and leaves us blind. It keeps us from taking the risk of finding a new way to solve a problem. Instead, we turn to the same old tried behaviors that are in reality self-defeating.
When persons with constant feelings of low self-worth experience defeat, they often see themselves as failures. I must be worthless or all these things wouldn't be happening to me, is often the inner talk. After enough of these reactions, we're likely to turn to drugs, food, sex, or other escapes from coping.
It's important to understand that persons of high self-worth can feel low. The difference is that people who are feeling low don't label themselves as worthless or pretend that their low feelings don't exist. It takes a lot of high self-worth to admit your feelings honestly. Feeling low and not admitting it is a form of lying to yourself and others. It's a defense mechanism called denial. Devaluing your feelings leads directly to devaluing yourself and making the whole situation that much less tenable.
The thing is that much of what happens to is us is a result of attitude and since it's an attitude, we can change it. In terms of relationships, until you can develop a respectful relationship with yourself, please stop praying for one and do the fucking work! Your soulmate is getting old.
Take a moment to relax right now. close your eyes and feel your condition now. How are you feeling about yourself? What has happened or is happening in the moment? How are you responding to what is happening? How are you feeling about how you are responding? If you are feeling tight, give yourself a message of love, physically relax yourself, and consciously be in touch with your breathing. open your eyes.
Believe it or not, this simple exercise can help rebuild your sense of worth. In any moment in which you can change your state of feeling, you can then meet any event with a clearer mind and firmer personal foundation.