Friday, February 6, 2009

The Sex Blog [Cunnilingus]

¡Hola! Everybody...
It’s Friday!

The following is the second sex blog I ever wrote. The first was on blow jobs and my women readers demanded a tit for tat (pun intended).

Oh! If you can see this and it offends you, you should reconsider having me on your friends' list. No hard feelings.

Guys? Learn to listen and listen to learn! Enjoy...

* * *

-=[ The Cunning Linguist ]=-

Pussy-Eating Tips by Women for Men (Compiled Over the Years)


OK, there’s this hilarious bit that the comedian Sam Kinnison (sp) used to do that cracked me the fuck up. He would scream: “Ladies if you want me to do something, then LET ME THE-FUCK-KNOW WHAT IT IS!!!! I’M NOT A MIND-FUCKIN’-READERRRRRRR! LET ME KNOWWWWWW!!!

LMAO!

Men get the humor and irony in this, while most women look at me as if I just farted loudly. But I think my man Sam was on to something here: I always try to stay attuned to my lover’s needs, looking for the physical cues, being “connected,” blah blah blah, but each and every woman is different, sometimes I need to ask and sometimes, dear ladies, it’s not so bad if you to give us a...

FUCKIN’ CLUE!!!

Or at least a vowel.

What follows are actual tips from women (with commentary by yours truly)

Whatever you do, Do not use your teeth! Take them out if you have to. Also, try to keep the saliva down to a minimum?

Dang! And here all this time I thought very lightly using my teeth and slobbering the clit with lots of saliva was knocking 'em dead!

On the other hand, saliva, saliva, saliva: I can’t overemphasize the importance of plenty of lubrication.

Ooookaaaaay… lots of saliva but no teeth, ma’fuccas.

The word cunnilingus derives from two Latin words: cunnus (female genitals) and lingere (to lick). The action should include not only the tongue but also the teeth. Tongue: soft yet firm. Teeth: Nibble around down there!

Ho sweat! Wait guys, nibbling is kewl!

I don’t think it’s necessary for a guy to spend much time in any area other than the clitoris. —It’s the Clit

Ahhhh…. dive face first and hit the clit! EASY!

A clit is not a doorbell. Please do not punch it repeatedly with your tongue. And explore the rest of my pussy. It has just as many sensitive nerve endings as my clit.

What the…? Hold on guys, explore the whole pussy!

Lick the alphabet! Start with lowercase and work through the caps. One word of caution: She can’t know what you’re doing! It is disastrous to let her hear you humming the alphabet song. This could imply that you are not sufficiently stimulated by her parts, as was the case with me.

Okaaaay… lick the alphabet, she says, but don’t let her know you’re doing it! Got it!

I dated a guy who used the “alphabet song” to guide him along. Basically, he hummed the “A, B, C, D, E, F, G . . . H, I, J, K, LMNOP… ” song while drawing the letters with his tongue on my clit. He did it at the same pace as the song (long G, quick LMNOP, etc.), and by the time he got to Z, I was shaking. Now every time I hear the alphabet song I get wet! —Alphabet Soup

No, wait!!! Lick the alphabet, but let her know you’re doing it, she’ll wet her knickers every time she hears the song! Dang!

Guys, don't slide your tongues in and out of our vaginas. All that feels like is a small, thin, limp dick. Most women don’t like small, limp dicks, so why simulate one with your tongue?

Oh shit, another no-no by yours truly. I thought that shit was really cool!

A French guy once stuck his tongue in and swirled it around, pushing it really hard against the walls of my vagina. It was amazing. The first time, I said, “Where’d you learn to do that?” He said, “You have never had eet?” “Not like that,” I said. The American guys I’ve slept with tend to lap politely.

Sheeesh! Hold on guys, stick your tongue into their pussies! Ready, set, go!

So many guys are obsessed with penetration that they can’t eat pussy without sticking their fingers in. Fellas, please, just lick me—it’s a nice change -- lick it don’t stick it!

Boys, it ain’t a dike (pun unintended), keep those dirty lil fingers away!

Men need to know that the G-spot is located behind the ridge of the pubis bone, up and inside her vagina. Take your hand palm up, insert middle and pointer fingers, curl your fingers toward you as if you’re saying, “Come here.” Do this while you lick, and she’ll come right then and there.

Jesus H. Cherrrrrrist! Ok, boys and gals, lick and stick!

OK, you see all the conflicting advice up there? ^^^^ Ladies, maybe you need to tell us what you like and want? Novel idea, right? And guys, the moral of the story is that not all women enjoy the same things when it comes to oral sex, you’ll have to ask ‘em what they like. Be forewarned, however, she might prefer death (or a life without orgasms) before she’ll tell you!

Kidding!

Ladies: tell us how you like it!

Smooches (on the Coochies),

Eddie

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