Friday, February 11, 2011

The Friday Sex Blog [Escape from Intimacy]

¡Hola! Everybody…
I think we need more stuff like this:


You know the drill: if it’s Friday, it’s all about sex…

* * *

-=[ Intimacy & Relationships ]=-

Ahhhhh… Intimacy, the brass ring of coupling.

I’m going to be confrontational today and say right off the bat that most people wouldn’t know true intimacy even if it bit them on the ass. In fact, most people don’t want genuine intimacy, they want their needs met; that’s a horse of a different color, folks.

And I say this fully aware that I am a man writing about intimacy in a sexual context and that many women would perceive that as an impossible situation. LOL! In addition, I don’t even own a cat and probably have no business pontificating about relationships in the first place.

However, I have found that what people term intimacy is in actuality a perverted (distorted?) notion of what genuine intimacy entails. Contrary to the stereotype, men have no monopoly on the fear of intimacy. Women also fear intimacy, though in different ways than men. The same goes for emotions. Contrary to popular belief, women aren’t more emotionally aware than men, they just [mis]handle it differently. Emotional indulgence, just as its opposite -- emotional aversion -- does not equal emotional intelligence.

I have been single by choice for about 8-9 years -- since my divorce. This is a conscious choice, not an accident. I am not “between relationships.” This is part of who I am -- I am single. Many people don’t get this. They see it as you’re-single-until-the-next-relationship kinda/ sorta thingee. After all, it isn’t normal to not be in a relationship. The whole reason for existence is to hook up, no?


I’ll tell you why I am single, or at least part of the reason why I’m single. I am single because I have yet to meet someone who’s willing to be truly intimate. Women tell me all the time they want intimacy but what they really mean is that they have needs and I have to fulfill those needs somehow and when I do fulfill those needs that means we’re “intimate.” Of course, they don’t phrase in that way, but that’s what they mean.

I know.

Most people don’t even have a relationship with themselves to begin with. The search for “The One” is scary in this context. Do you people even realize the amount of pressure you put on a relationship these days? It’s as if I have to fulfill this vast range of roles and make you happy to boot! Lover, husband, father, mentor, mentee, soul mate, financial advisor, therapist, and counselor -- the list goes on and on.

Is it no small surprise that many relationships crash and burn? I think the first thing we need to look at is realistic expectations -- what we call in psychology reality testing. I do not want to, nor can I, make you happy. If you’re not happy to begin with, I damn sure cannot take you there. Nor do I want that responsibility even if I could pull off that miracle. I don’t want to be your all, your everything, that shit is fucking crazy and scary. Just thinking about that takes away any motivation I have to become intimate with you. Please, go find Daddy somewhere else! I ain’t it. Unless, of course, if I’m pulling your hair and smacking your ass while you’re screaming my name, then I’m your daddy. LOL!

I'm kidding...

Which brings me back to intimacy in relationships. People are always crying about the loss of spontaneity and intimacy in relationships. I know I’m going to burst some bubbles here but I’m going to say flat out that Santa Claus doesn’t exist, Snow White was a fairy tale, and intimacy takes work.

I’m being honest here ladies, when I say that I don’t care how physically attractive you are, after 2-3 years of steady fucking, you will occasionally be considered a chore and not a pleasure. I will be sitting with a friend somewhere and he’ll ask me if I can go to the game with him and I’ll turn to him with a look resignation on my face and tell him, “I can’t man, I gotta go home and fuck the wife.” Any man who tells you different is a fucking liar.

Spontaneity and intimacy -- true intimacy -- takes work and risking all there is in that pretty heart of yours. It takes practice, lots of practice. If you think that I will find having sex with you an attractive prospect after watching you scream insanely at the children, or nagging me to fix the fucking fence, then you done lost your mind. Don’t’ get me wrong I’m sure you’re struggling just as hard with any attraction for me when my idea of funny is farting and putting you in a headlock.

So, intimacy is work. It’s about risking it all and being vulnerable in profoundly scary ways. By the way, intimate sex is not the only form of sex and can get very boring very quickly. Sometimes -- in fact, a lot of the time -- you have to fuck. In any case, healthy sexuality begins with understanding and accepting yourself, your body, and sensual and sexual aspects of yourself. There are two powerful negative teachings about sex we all internalize to some degree. The first is that sex is bad; exciting, but bad. Sex is good only in the context of marriage or an “intimate” relationship. The second is that sex is exclusively about intercourse.

We here in the [un]Common Sense blog believe that sex is a good thing in life and sexuality is an integral -- even spiritual -- part of being a person. Sexuality, at least for me, includes everything from the flirtatious glance to a gentle caress, from passionate, even violent, intercourse, to loving and tender afterplay.

The real psychologically healthy question then is how to express sexuality so that it enhances your self-esteem, deepens your ability to be genuinely intimate, and increases satisfaction in your intimate relationship.




  1. Interesting and thought-provoking post, as usual, Eddie. I'm curious about what your perspective is on something: While it's healthy in any relationship to work to bridge the gap between sex and intimacy (sadly, the two are often mutually exclusive), other times it's even beneficial to forgo the effort ("Sometimes--in fact, a lot of the time--you have to fuck."

  2. A lot of intimacy or a lot of sex?  Hmm!  I had a crush on someone for many years.  I felt that that person was out of reach for me.  When he asked me to give him a massage (though I am no massage therapist) I was scared and excited!  I thought for sure that this would lead to the fulfillment of the curiosity I had about him. 

    We went to his apartment and he asked me to come into his bedroom so he could lay comfortably.  I told him that I would be more comfortable in the living room.  Touching him was pure excitement (titilation?)  Anyway.  After a while I was comfortable that he was not going to rape me (LOL) and I consented to go to his room for the therapy.

    Touching him was interesting!  I just wanted to feel his soft skin and look at his tone body; but, I was not there for that.  My job was to relieve his body of the pain that rested in his muscles and in his digestive system. 

    Once I let go of the desire to have sex I could open myself up to making him feel good.  I had to think back in time to when I learned to massage myself.  I had to clear my mind and focus on my breath so that I could channel that skill and use it for good for another. 

    Talk about intimate moments with him.  It never led to sex.  But, the intimacy of one breath at a time losing my "self".  The unselfishness of that moment taught me a form of intimacy that was very powerful.  I never knew that with anyone else.  I always equated intimacy WITH sex.

    I get sex somewhere else of course.  And, it is neither good nor bad.  They may never meet in one person.  Do they need to?  Letting go of the expectations and finding that intimacy does not have to lead to control or owning another.  That is really freeing for me.  If I found both in one person that would be wonderful.

  3. Connie: My personal opinion is that there is no such thing as sex without intimacy. The act itself forces at least some form of intimacy whether we recognize it or not. I believe the issue is the degree of intimacy. Many people see "intimacy" in narrow terms -- the profound kind. But true intimacy starts somewhere. It's a symbiotic evolution.

    I think part of the answer to your question lies in how you define sex.

  4. Poking: I find it interesting that you didn't consider your "massage" encountor sex. You just described a proundly sexual experience. Also, imn terms of intimacy. did HE know what you were feeling? Does he know NOW?

  5. I feel very comfortable with him.  He knows that all I think about is sex so I did not have to tell him.  LOL.

  6. LOL! Still, sex isn't just penetration.

  7. Well of course it is! 

  8. <span>Well of course it is!  When I go to the massage therapist we are not having sex!  Intimacy, even physical intimacy, is not, in my humble opinion, the same thing as sex!

  9. It is if you are not fully there mentally!

  10. Huh? You're being arouses sexually, having sexual fantasies, and that's not sexual? Sorry, but how do you think a boyfriend or a husband would feel about such intimacies?

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[un]Common Sense