It’s been a while…
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-=[ Polyamory/ Open Relationships ]=-
Is Monogamy Obsolete?
Okay, a little self-disclosure that will probably take me out the “The One” Sweepstakes! You all know I like stories…
Late 1970s- early 80s and it’s summer (or very hot) and I’m totally immersed in a relationship with a complete psycho trust fund baby. I never did heed my father’s warning not to sleep with anyone crazier than myself. So there I was on the highway embroiled in an intense argument with an irrational insanely jealous woman. It was one of those that had devolved into insightfully delightful give and takes such as:
Her: “Fuck you, Eddie.”
Me: “No, FUCK YOU, bitch!”
She used to take out her anger on her driving so I requested to be let off and she did. There I was on the somewhere stranded. I had never done this before but out of sheer necessity, I stuck out my thumb and hitchhiked. Within minutes, two women in a Volkswagen picked me up and we struck up a conversation. I noticed they were gorgeous, young, and very energetic. I’m a total flirt and we began this whole elaborate, sexually-charged conversation, when I noticed that they had skipped my exit. When I informed them, the young lady in the passenger seat turned around and with mischief in her eyes, informed me, “We know, sweetie, we’re kidnapping you.”
I never pray, but I looked up to the heavens and mouthed the words, “Thank you God!” and she laughed. Little did I know then that these two women would leave an indelible mark in my life. Everything, from the way I view sex, relationships, and jealousy was transformed as a result of my relationship with these two women. To be short, Jodie and Demetria were lovers who eventually became my lovers.
Late twenties, in a relationship with two gorgeous, sexually uninhibited women? Heaven! I think at first the intention was to have this casual hook-up and let it go, but there was a connection that was almost immediate, and we stuck around. This was my first experience with what we called at the time, an “open relationship.”
Eventually, Demetria and I would develop deeper feelings and she became my primary relationship. Wait! I’m using terminology that may be foreign to breeders (the term I use for monogamous people, LOL). Contrary to what you may think, living within an open relationship is not a free-for-all sex fest. There are boundaries, considerations, and a level of honesty almost unique to an open relationship. I could get into all this but it would be ridiculously long and incomplete. I would suggest the book, The Ethical Slut, for anyone interested in the many forms of polyamory or open relationships. The chapter on jealousy alone is worth the price and that’s what I’m going to address here as briefly as possible.
Everything went fine at first. It was me and Jodie and Demetria and we were fuckin’ up a storm. I was also getting a crash course in cunnilingus, the G-Spot, and exploring the sexual frontiers available to us in ways that was totally liberating. There was communication, sexual/ emotional/ spiritual needs and wants were discussed early and I was clear on all of it, intellectually.
Yeah, I was cool with everything until the day Demetria met a man she wanted to have sex with. That got me twisted. LOL! We got into some power/ drama play, but she made it clear that the ground rules for the relationship were set from the beginning and if I couldn’t deal with it, then maybe I wasn’t ready to be in an open relationship.
And I really wasn’t. However, I had a lot of affection for Demetria and Jodie, so I tried to deal with my feelings of jealousy. At first, I thought it impossible and even left, promising myself I wouldn’t come back. Instead, I stayed home and for the first time in my life, I allowed myself to experience the jealousy without becoming overwhelmed. Eventually, I was able to see through the jealousy and see it really wasn’t about Demetria or betrayal, but my own deeply felt insecurity that served as a roadblock to loving deeply and openly.
Demetria was one the most loving, knowledgeable, supportive lovers I have ever had the pleasure of knowing. I grew because of my relationship with her and she too had her moments of jealousy and doubts. The thing that made it different was that everything was on the table for discussion. There was this absolute and fearless honesty in that relationship that has been rare. We were able to discuss almost anything in a supportive and loving environment and that went a long way towards dissolving my own insecurities and allowing myself to be loved.
I would spend the first half of the 1980s involved in open relationships and as I grow older, I am again questioning the wisdom of monogamous relationships. The older I get, the more I question the assumption that one person has to be the be all/ end all of a relationship. One thing is for sure, my life has been richer because of these experiences.
References/ External Links
Easton, D., & Liszt, C. A. (1997). The Ethical Slut: A Guide to Infinite Sexual Possibilities. San Francisco: Greenery Press.
Anapol, D. M. (1997). Polyamory: The New Love Without Limits: Secrets of Sustainable Intimate Relationships (Paperback). San Rafael, CA: Intinet Resource Center.
Polyamory page at Sexuality.org (click here)
Electronic Journal of Human Sexuality: Polyamory (click here)