It's another beach day today! During the 60s there was a famous poster depicting a swami, complete with flowing beard and robes, on a surfboard with the caption, “You can’t stop the waves, but you can learn how to surf.” LOL! Here’s something to consider, especially relevant when life’s “waves” get too rough…
Sunday, July 31, 2011
It's another beach day today! During the 60s there was a famous poster depicting a swami, complete with flowing beard and robes, on a surfboard with the caption, “You can’t stop the waves, but you can learn how to surf.” LOL! Here’s something to consider, especially relevant when life’s “waves” get too rough…
Friday, July 29, 2011
It’s been a while…
* * *
-=[ Polyamory/ Open Relationships ]=-
Is Monogamy Obsolete?
Okay, a little self-disclosure that will probably take me out the “The One” Sweepstakes! You all know I like stories…
Late 1970s- early 80s and it’s summer (or very hot) and I’m totally immersed in a relationship with a complete psycho trust fund baby. I never did heed my father’s warning not to sleep with anyone crazier than myself. So there I was on the highway embroiled in an intense argument with an irrational insanely jealous woman. It was one of those that had devolved into insightfully delightful give and takes such as:
Her: “Fuck you, Eddie.”
Me: “No, FUCK YOU, bitch!”
She used to take out her anger on her driving so I requested to be let off and she did. There I was on the somewhere stranded. I had never done this before but out of sheer necessity, I stuck out my thumb and hitchhiked. Within minutes, two women in a Volkswagen picked me up and we struck up a conversation. I noticed they were gorgeous, young, and very energetic. I’m a total flirt and we began this whole elaborate, sexually-charged conversation, when I noticed that they had skipped my exit. When I informed them, the young lady in the passenger seat turned around and with mischief in her eyes, informed me, “We know, sweetie, we’re kidnapping you.”
I never pray, but I looked up to the heavens and mouthed the words, “Thank you God!” and she laughed. Little did I know then that these two women would leave an indelible mark in my life. Everything, from the way I view sex, relationships, and jealousy was transformed as a result of my relationship with these two women. To be short, Jodie and Demetria were lovers who eventually became my lovers.
Late twenties, in a relationship with two gorgeous, sexually uninhibited women? Heaven! I think at first the intention was to have this casual hook-up and let it go, but there was a connection that was almost immediate, and we stuck around. This was my first experience with what we called at the time, an “open relationship.”
Eventually, Demetria and I would develop deeper feelings and she became my primary relationship. Wait! I’m using terminology that may be foreign to breeders (the term I use for monogamous people, LOL). Contrary to what you may think, living within an open relationship is not a free-for-all sex fest. There are boundaries, considerations, and a level of honesty almost unique to an open relationship. I could get into all this but it would be ridiculously long and incomplete. I would suggest the book, The Ethical Slut, for anyone interested in the many forms of polyamory or open relationships. The chapter on jealousy alone is worth the price and that’s what I’m going to address here as briefly as possible.
Everything went fine at first. It was me and Jodie and Demetria and we were fuckin’ up a storm. I was also getting a crash course in cunnilingus, the G-Spot, and exploring the sexual frontiers available to us in ways that was totally liberating. There was communication, sexual/ emotional/ spiritual needs and wants were discussed early and I was clear on all of it, intellectually.
Yeah, I was cool with everything until the day Demetria met a man she wanted to have sex with. That got me twisted. LOL! We got into some power/ drama play, but she made it clear that the ground rules for the relationship were set from the beginning and if I couldn’t deal with it, then maybe I wasn’t ready to be in an open relationship.
And I really wasn’t. However, I had a lot of affection for Demetria and Jodie, so I tried to deal with my feelings of jealousy. At first, I thought it impossible and even left, promising myself I wouldn’t come back. Instead, I stayed home and for the first time in my life, I allowed myself to experience the jealousy without becoming overwhelmed. Eventually, I was able to see through the jealousy and see it really wasn’t about Demetria or betrayal, but my own deeply felt insecurity that served as a roadblock to loving deeply and openly.
Demetria was one the most loving, knowledgeable, supportive lovers I have ever had the pleasure of knowing. I grew because of my relationship with her and she too had her moments of jealousy and doubts. The thing that made it different was that everything was on the table for discussion. There was this absolute and fearless honesty in that relationship that has been rare. We were able to discuss almost anything in a supportive and loving environment and that went a long way towards dissolving my own insecurities and allowing myself to be loved.
I would spend the first half of the 1980s involved in open relationships and as I grow older, I am again questioning the wisdom of monogamous relationships. The older I get, the more I question the assumption that one person has to be the be all/ end all of a relationship. One thing is for sure, my life has been richer because of these experiences.
References/ External Links
Easton, D., & Liszt, C. A. (1997). The Ethical Slut: A Guide to Infinite Sexual Possibilities. San Francisco: Greenery Press.
Anapol, D. M. (1997). Polyamory: The New Love Without Limits: Secrets of Sustainable Intimate Relationships (Paperback). San Rafael, CA: Intinet Resource Center.
Polyamory page at Sexuality.org (click here)
Electronic Journal of Human Sexuality: Polyamory (click here)
Monday, July 25, 2011
I'm doing some work on a new campaign addressing the issue of racial profiling. Below, is a perspective filtered through my personal experiences. Perhaps my experiences are similar to yours or, more likely, they may be totally alien to your experiences.
-=[ The Five-0 ]=-
Those who would give up Essential Liberty to purchase a little Temporary Safety, deserve neither Liberty nor Safety.
-- Benjamin Franklin
More than 40 years later, I can still remember the incident as if it happened yesterday. It was my first real interaction with a NYC police officer. A few of us were headed home after being let out of school, waiting for the “M” train on the elevated Wyckoff & Myrtle platform. It was a rainy, drizzly early spring day. My friends and I were all “A” students -- the talented tenth -- at the (even then) notorious Bushwick High School. We were just standing around cracking jokes on one another, talking about girls -- the usual fare of masculine adolescence. We weren’t being loud, weren’t breaking any laws. We were, well, breathing while Latino (we were all of Puerto Rican descent).
As we stood there bonding, a police officer approached us and demanded to know what we were doing. He was tall -- over six feet -- and towered over my then 5 feet five-inch, 125-lb frame. I had never had any bad experiences with the police; maybe it was because I looked white. My friends would always tease me that I often got a free pass. This time, however, everyone immediately became quiet and the tension was palpable.
I informed the officer that were all going home, that we had just left school. I wasn’t being confrontational, just merely stating a fact as I would if I had commented on the weather. He then asked for ID, or our “program cards.” What I remember most was that he unnecessarily was rude and abrupt.
We all showed him our school IDs and then he looked at me and said, “Get the fuck off this platform.”
We were all taken aback since we had to be on the platform in order to catch our train home. When we didn’t react, he looked straight at me but said to everyone, “Didn’t you hear what I said you little spics. Get the FUCK off this platform.” Now, the “spic” part was uncalled for, I felt. In a nice way, I informed the officer that we were all headed home and we had to take the train. Up to that point, I wasn’t arguing with him, I was trying to reason, even though he had used profanity and a racial slur. We were standing by the stairs leading down to the street.
“If you don’t get the fuck off of this platform now you little prick, I will kick your spic ass down those stairs.”
And that’s when I became argumentative and things took a turn for the worse. I stated that we all had a right to stand on the platform and that we hadn’t done anything wrong to provoke him. I asked him by what authority could he speak to us in that manner and violate our basic rights.
I’ll never forget his response. He said, in a low, threatening growl, “If you don’t get off this station by the time I count to three, I will kick you down those stairs.”
I stood there, staring at him defiantly, determined not to move. By then, my friends all of whom were intimidated, advised me, “C’mon, Eddie, let’s go, don’t get into any trouble, man, it’s not worth it.” I said I wasn’t moving.
The police officer counted:
And I don’t know why, perhaps it was the look of pure hatred on the man’s face, but I decided to move right before he counted to three. I turned around and started walking down the steps and that's when I felt his foot slam into my back. I don’t know how I did it, maybe it was instinct, but somehow, as my body began its propulsion head first down the metal stairs, I reached out and grabbed on to the only thing available -- the officer's foot.
And in that way we tumbled down those long, cement-and-metal stairs, tangled in a ball, for I was holding on to dear life. After what seemed like an eternity, we landed and I immediately noted the unnatural position of the officer’s leg and his banshee howls of pain. I remember two elderly white ladies shouting and a crowd gathering. At that very moment, taking in everything, I realized I was fucked... and I ran.
After, my friends told me that the police officer rounded them up and tried to get them to tell him who I was. To their credit never ratted on me. For over two years, I was unable to take the train to school; I had to walk to school (a 45-minute walk each way) rain, cold, snow, or shine.
I was a 14-year-old honors student who never did anything wrong and my life could’ve have easily been destroyed by that one chance encounter.
The problem is that these chance encounters have (and continue to) destroyed lives and the fabric of mostly communities of color. Growing up, my experience wasn’t outside the norm. My close friend, Michael, had his penis almost shot off by a police officer. It was a Saturday night, one of our acquaintances was running from the police, passed by us, and when we heard gunshots, we all ran. My companion, Michael, who was not the target, was shot and the bullet passed through his thigh and through his penis. When we picked him up, we saw the blood flowing from his groin area. He was lucky, the main “dick vein” (as Michael explained it) wasn't destroyed, and the doctors were able to stitch it all back together again. He did have the ugliest penis I ever saw. Accostumed to experiencing trauma, we used the time-worn urban coping skill of the macabre wit to kid him and called his penis Frankenstein Dick.
My friend Shadow, one of the blackest Puerto Ricans I ever met (hence the nickname), was a Golden Gloves champion with a promising boxing career. He was going to box for the Air Force after high school. He was “accidentally” shot dead in the flower of his youth by a stray police bullet. Another stray police bullet left a friend paralyzed at 17 -- for life. Both incidents were termed as “mistaken shootings” or something like that. And those were only the most egregious infractions. I can’t even begin to enumerate all the little infractions, the almost daily “minor” humiliations and indignities, at the hands of the police. I can’t begin to enumerate the countless times parents, grandmothers even, were rounded up like common criminals during drug “sweeps” -- periodic lockdowns of whole city blocks in which the police ran roughshod, with total disregard for all basic human rights.
This is not to say all police are brutal or even corrupt. I am, however, trying to offer the insight that the relationship between communities of color and the police are strained at best. Oftentimes, structural racism is expressed through the vehicle of law enforcement. It isn’t that there are a few bad apples; the true issue is that the barrel itself is rotten.
Today, when I hold workshops teaching children how to protect themselves from those who are supposed to protect us, I hear the same stories. Stories of young people of color being thrown against a wall, or with a boot on their neck. I continue to hear stories of young men literally being undressed in broad daylight. I still hear about the humiliations and of a police force that resembles more of an occupying force than a beneficent social institution. So, whenever I hear justifications for racial profiling, such as the ones in use in major urban areas such as New York and Los Angeles, I am not surprised, for I know the drill. However, it doesn’t mean that I am not outraged.
You should be too.
Racial profiling leads to very real and harmful consequences, one of which includes police brutality and the curtailing of basic American freedoms. Yet, you will hear high-level officials defend it in the same manner one acquaintance put it to me:
Police deployment these days is determined almost strictly by rates of relative violence/crime in each police district. The rate of violence is not some subjective quotient created by a racist cop, but is determined by counting citizens reporting that they were shot, stabbed, beat up and otherwise assaulted, this is combined with citizen reports of burglary, robbery, theft, etc. You see, your racist conspiracy theory is illogical when you know that police resources are deployed based on crime as reported by citizens and not some racist plot to destroy minorities. That is logical.
The problem with this line of thinking, aside from its moral bankruptcy, is that it is not based on fact nor reason. Racial conservatives -- both black and white -- maintain that racial profiling isn’t racist. They argue, like the individual above, that racial profiling is justified since we all know blacks and Latino/as are criminally predisposed! As Heather MacDonald of the conservative think tank, the Manhattan Institute, puts it, “Judging by arrest rates, minorities are overly represented among drug traffickers” (MacDonald, 2001) . Black conservative, Randall Kennedy agrees. He goes so far as to say that arrest rates present a “sad reality” and justifies racial profiling on those grounds (Kennedy, 1999). Well, if this is true, scientific examinations of racial profiling should yield results that back up the claims of racial conservatives.
For example, a New York Attorney General’s study of stops and frisks in New York City, issued in 1999, recorded 175,000 encounters between officers and citizens over fifteen months. The study tracked hit rates by analyzing the percentage of stops and frisks that ended in an arrest. The data is damning. The study found that police arrested 12.6 percent of the whites they stopped, only 11.5 percent of the Latino/as, and only 10.5 percent of the blacks (Spitzer, 1999). This is exactly the opposite of what defenders of racial profiling would predict. When New York City police officers utilized racial profiling intensively, they found what they wanted less often on blacks and Latino/as than they did on whites.
From a personal perspective, I have a sneaking suspicion that those who champion racial profiling don’t do so because they actually believe it’s statistically “sound policing." I submit they support such practices because they want to justify racist practices. They are comfortable with such practices because, for the most part, it doesn’t affect them. They are not the ones being dragged handcuffed from their homes, or suffering humiliation while driving or even walking down a city street. They think it’s acceptable to commit such acts on certain Americans because they just don’t give a good goddamn -- until it happens to them...
There’s a price we all pay for racial profiling, the least of which it makes all of us less safe, as police are more determined to bust low-level black drug dealers in the streets while the big drug game is taking place somewhere in a sleepy suburban enclave or high roller penthouse loft.
My name is Eddie and I'm in recovery from civilization...
Saturday, July 23, 2011
I find my networking and reconnecting has been very effective in helping in the transition to a new phase in my career.
Yesterdays [No. 6]
the noisy toilets,
their growing insanity
and broken fingernails.
But I did them better,
and they finally blamed me
for deserting them
in favor of a happier woman.
is a blame even they
can cherish forever.
All rights reserved
Friday, July 22, 2011
We’re in the midst of a heat wave here in The Center of the Known Universe. I believe today we’ll hit the 100 degree mark. I love heat waves, mostly because it literally takes people out of their comfort zones. Their routines and behavior get out of kilter and they act less conventionally, if irritable. Clothing is discarded, tempers flare, passions are ignited. While people are going through this, all they do is complain about the heat. Of course, these are the same who complain about the cold. Wouldn’t it be wiser to spend your limited and finitie life force on something more useful? I’m just saying…
* * *
your tongue reached for me
and drew me into your mouth
as if I were a careless fly
doomed to the ecstasy of death
in the perfumed corridors
of your sweet,
Ever notice how everything feels enlarged in your mouth? ::snicker:: A small cut or sore or a tiny grain of rice can seem huge. Observe that your lips and tongue are exquisitely sensitive to giving and receiving pleasure, tasting both the delicious and the bitter. Imagine, if you can, your whole body as sensitive as your tongue. Pretend that your whole body has that level of tongue-like sensitivity. Imagine French-kissing the computer screen or tasting the inside of your pants.
Maybe it’s fortunate that your whole body isn’t like this. As it is, your potential for taste is sheltered from unwanted or a bombardment of flavors. Your tongue is sheltered by your mouth, safely ensconced behind the safety of teeth and jaws.
A plant has no tongue and will never taste the salty sheen of a sweaty and trembling lover. Yet a flower dances and lifts its petals, dancing in the sunshine and the rain, rooting itself down in the moist, fertile earth without care of career or thoughts of death. A plant may have no tongue, but in its own way, it is singing its song of life from its roots to its petals: I am alive!
Try this… the next time you use your mouth sexually, be thankful that you can. Allow the experience of oral sex to expand and fill up your awareness. Explore the full landscape of oral sensations, the tastes and textures you lick, nibble, tease, and suck. Become totally immersed in oral sex, as only a human can.
Before this birth and most likely after death, you will have no tongue. I mean, who knows? But right now in this human incarnation, what is the most creative way to give joy with your mouth? How can you offer your soft tongue and skilled lips as a gift for the sake of others -- of another?
You can certainly pleasure your lover by stimulating their neck, earlobes, nipples, thighs, or genitals with your tongue and lips. But can you push the envelope and offer your mouth for this purpose: to enable your lover to surrender as unrestricted love for the sake of all beings?
This is the true purpose of sex. Oral sex is unique, because our mouths are so sensitive. Do you realize that more of your brain’s proportionate capacity is dedicated to your tongue and lips than to any other body part? This is obvious if you consider that a drop of salty sweat causes a different reaction if dripped on your back than on your tongue. This is even truer of a genital’s texture and taste between your lips. Your mouth knows most intimately of what it comes into contact with.
Try tiny little licks or nibbles, movements smaller than a grain of sand. Allow your lover to feel just how sensitive your mouth is by the groans and grunts and oohs and ahs that escape you as your tongue and lips explore and discover the flavors and extreme textures of curve and ruffle that no plant will ever feel. Let your neighbor in the next apartment wonder why you are moaning so.
Transform your tasted flavors into sounds, empowering your lover to feel your engorged responsiveness, connecting your hearts, amplifying the crackling energy of love to flow more freely between your two bodies. This is the heart of the matter: to translate your mouth’s extreme sensitivity into the service of the magnification of love. Oral sex -- the lapping/ licking of love -- erases the illusory boundaries between selves. Orally amplified love lingers long after your tonguing has ceased and your sucking has stopped.
This afterglow of love anyone can feel; so can a plant, believe it or not, and certainly your children and your friends can feel your open and vulnerable heart all day. Your liberated love is a blessing in their lives.
Amplified love offered as a gift to others is what your tongue can sexually uncover. And why not? Anything less would be a misuse of this human carnal form we all wear. Plants have their own blessing -- their own sun dance. Anything less would be a misuse of this carnally human form we all wear. Plants have their own blessing -- their sun dance. Offer your most sensitive human part as a gift of tender love amplified as a blessing to all. Stretch your limits and feel your natural radiance.
Friday, July 15, 2011
Es un dia bonito aqui in the Center of the Known Universe…
* * *
-=[ Awakening to Emptiness ]=-
my body used to scream and,
curse that final spasm.
Love is the process
I would proclaim,
to finish it
The other day, I was sitting down with a casual acquaintance engaged in a rather interesting conversation. As often happens when you’re having a good time, time seemed to fly and my friend excused himself. When pressed, he admitted he had to go home because he and the wife had scheduled time for sex. He didn’t seem especially excited. In fact, he looked like a condemned man going to his execution. And… his wife is a babe. She’s, like, instant hard-on gorgeous.
Sooner or later, even sex with someone you love can become routine. It can become a dry series of rituals which one has to perform dutifully.
The irony is that sex is so full of promise. Passion with skin on fire and almost unbearable bliss. The weeping embraces of vulnerable rapture -- yeah those moments when you make that noise that sounds like a chuckle married a sob. Those moments of transcendent merger as oneness… but usually, sex is pretty much mundane.
Men get hard, pump and grunt, squirt, let out their tension and relax. Women get wet, moan and hump, clutch and weep, and snuggle in affectionate comfort. Initially exciting, sex can become quite predictable. Even good sex can become standardized: you both learn each other buttons, which you push in order to get the right responses and then… pooof. Gone…
In this way sex somehow mirrors life in general. It’s actually less than you hoped. For almost anyone who’s been around the block a few times, sex and life become a comfortable or customary enjoyment, a habitualized routine of pleasure, comfort, and pain that is neurotically consoling at best, and often meaningless.
This is a good thing, dearest. Meaninglessness is a sign of growth. When something becomes boring it means that you are ready to delve deeper. When you are humping away in dissatisfaction, you are ready for deeper sex. Sex that feels empty reveals a deeper truth: sex is empty. Just like any other moment in life.
When you surrender yourself to the possibility of experiencing sex completely, you feel two things. On one level your genitals are engorged, your breathing is heavy, and your passion is inflamed. On another level… so what? You’ve been there/ done that and nothing fundamental has transpired. This moment of sex -- like every moment -- is amazingly rich and deliciously textured, but also strangely and paradoxically empty.
What happens if you dare to venture is that you come to the realization that nothing specific is missing from your sexual life. Of course, you can improve your sexual skills -- communicating your emotions more fully and enjoying multiple orgasms that last for hours -- yet, when your preoccupation with new pleasure and achievement wears off, you are again confronted with the awareness of a sense of emptiness.
The truth is all life is like that. We spend most of life energy trying to attach to or create something concrete in a reality where the only truth is that everything changes, nothing stays the same. You are not the same person you were when you first starting reading this. Biological processes have killed off cells and replaced them with new ones. Five years from now, your whole body will have been replaced using this dying/ birthing process. If you’re even a little awake, deeply held opinions and how you see yourself has changed and will continue to change. All around you, everything is dying and being reborn and dying again. Lovers come and go, loved ones pass away…
Every moment is empty in the sense that if you try to latch on to it, it slips through your fingers like the proverbial sands in the hourglass. The truth, dearest, is that every sexual moment is empty, insubstantial, unreal. And yet it is also true that every sexual moment is full, tangible, and explosively alive. Like a vivid dream, each moment is intense, spontaneously dynamic, and just as spontaneously gone, as if it never happened. Sex can be tender, a miracle of love, yet at the same time inconsequential. Sex is at the same time intense and vanished, and even when it’s utterly blissful, it is also utterly empty.
Immature lovers get lost in the brief rush of pleasure. Depressed adults stay stuck in the unsatisfying embrace of “not enough.” The truth is that every moment is substantially insubstantial -- both tangible and empty. The mature lover surrenders beyond the attachment, naked and vulnerable as life.
But to get to this level requires letting go of your neurotic need to feel good (or bad) about sex. My father, a wise man, advised me in my young adulthood to be a selfish lover. I think he meant for me to enjoy the thrill of romance and fascination for as long as it lasts because I would have to learn how to dance in the middle years of unsatisfying but decent sexual routine.
But this is where it gets really good (or beyond good or bad): eventually, when you have been shorn of your naïve hope, you will have no other choice but to relax within the reality of the emptiness. In this way, and only in this way, you’re able to wear love’s raiment of open bliss; to withstand the boundless luminosity, and you awaken to the awareness that sex is an intense revelation of what is.
Friday, July 8, 2011
I spilled a full cup of freshly brewed Bustelos on my brand new keyboard, day before yesterday. I ran it through the faucet and tried to dry it out, but it’s actin’ funny now.
Again, some of you will see this as sexist...
* * *
-=[ Flowery Combat ]=-
that all my martial arts
would fail me
against the flowers and the laughter
that were your forward troops,
the outstretched heart
of your army?
You are attracted to mutual sexual energy. Yes, it is true that you love your friends and family as well as your lover. But the unique aspect of intimate relationship is not love; its uniqueness is due to the attraction of the polarity between the masculine and the feminine -- the yin and yang of sexual attraction.
Every man and woman embodies both masculine and feminine energies, although each individual’s proportion is unique. This proportion determines your sexual gifts. It also influences whom you will find sexually attractive and who will be attracted to you.
Let’s try this for a minute. If you had to choose, would you prefer sex with someone who is radiantly alive, fresh and juicy, longing to surrender to your loving -- or with someone of deep integrity who sees through to your heart and wants to take you with confidence, passion, and total presence?
If you have more masculine sexual essence, then you will be attracted to a more feminine lover. By feminine essence I mean to describe the feeling of light, which feels as love and shines as all life. A feminine lover will splay open as radiance, full of life-force, yearning to open as love and receive your deep love. A feminine lover’s smile can literally light up your life and inspire your heart. Most women and some men have a more feminine sexual essence. (And please: having a more feminine sexual essence has nothing to do with juvenile notions of manhood, or a lack thereof.)
If your sexual essence is more feminine, then you will be attracted to a more masculine lover. By masculine here I mean to describe the quality of consciousness. In this context consciousness is manifested as a deep and penetrating presence. A masculine lover will take you and ravish you with deep and intense loving. A masculine lover can crack you open and expose the heart of a moment with humor.
If you are like most people, heterosexual and homosexual, then you don’6t have a balanced sexual essence (though a few believe they do). Everybody has some feminine and masculine characteristics -- especially on the surface. But deep down where it really matters, in the heart of your heart’s desires, your sexual essence is probably quite noticeably more masculine or more feminine. Deep down you desire to ravish or be ravished sexually, whether or not you that opportunity to enjoy this depth of loving in your life.
The masculine and the feminine are the Yin and Yang of love’s play -- they attract each other like magnet. Because of that, you will attract a lover whose essence is your polar opposite, a lover who, deep down, wants to take what your enjoy giving, who wants to give what you enjoy taking.
And it is in this polarity that lies the delicious torture, this dance of love, this “flowery combat” of intimacy. But the very thing about your lover that drives you to bliss, will drive you crazy. The lover who really turns you out in your sexual heart will also frustrate you to no end in the more mundane, superficial parts of your life. For example, if you have a feminine essence, then your masculine lover6’s confidence will turn you on, except when rushing like a bull in a china shop when discussing your feelings in a moment of conflict. If you have a masculine essence, then your feminine lover’s spontaneity and liquid sexual responsiveness will turn you on, except during times of psycho hysteria and unpredictable shutdowns.
In moments of deep connection and communion, the masculine and feminine open as an extraordinary gift -- two facets of one jewel, two facets of one reality. But in the more mundane moments, the shallower, everyday-dust-of-life moments, their differences can clash. For example, when trying to communicate something verbally, the masculine wants to understand the problem and get to the point, looking for a conversation that will travel as straight a line from point A to point B and hopefully with a resolution when all is fucking said and done. The feminine sees talking as it would a dance, as a way to connect to feeling, to be together, enjoying the currents of a shared life-energy.
What often happens, the more masculine partner gets frustrated by the feminine’s seemingly impractical style, while the more feminine partner is frustrated by the masculine’s strict adherence to a know-it-all matrix of The Way Shit Really Is.
Deep intimacy is based not on getting what you want, nor on compromising yourself, but on giving the deepest gifts of your sexual essence. Observe your superficial masculine need to solve a problem or your superficial feminine need to connect with your partner emotionally, and instead, offer your deepest heart and open completely to the moment.
If your feminine lover is babbling on about nothing in particular, offer your deep and unrelenting presence without turning away or zombieing out; penetrate your feminine lover’s heart with your gift of absolute presence.
If you masculine lover has reduced life to problems, solutions, and projects, overwhelm your lover like a monsoon of liquid light, soak your lover in love’s deep waters.
Him: “I am consciousness, and you are mine, my bright bitch.”
She: “I am light. Take me… if you dare!”
Manifesting as feminine radiance and attending as masculine consciousness, every moment opens as one conscious light. Play your differences with humor, opening as one, loving as two.
Friday, July 1, 2011
It's Friday! Yaaay!
Today marks my first day of unemployment. It’s been more than twenty years since I could say that…
* * *
-=[ Sexual Peaks: Men and Women ]=-
Today's post has to be a quickie (pun intended!).
I think that by now most of us are familiar with the cliché that knowledge is power. Clichés are clichés because for the most part they are true. I would like to spin that cliché a little and add that a little knowledge is a dangerous thing. What I mean by that is that incomplete knowledge is dangerous because it leads to erroneous conclusions and assumptions.
The folk wisdom that women reach their sexual peak after age thirty; men during adolescence is one of those assumptions.
Mind you, after extensively researching this area -- the published literature, reading through piles of “experts,” Masters and Johnson, etc. -- I can’t say I have come to a definitive conclusion. However, that doesn't mean that we shouldn't question this assumption. In fact, there are more reasons than not to be suspicious about this often-cited “fact.”
I started where everyone should start: I asked myself the question where did this claim have its origin. I was able to trace it to the famous Kinsey surveys of more than a half century ago. Kinsey came to this conclusion by simply polling people on the frequency of various sexual behaviors. Based on the number of times the interviewees said they had masturbated or had intercourse or erotic dreams, Kinsey's crew figured that women reached their peaks in their mid-to-late thirties -- long after men.
Sexual peak is not a clear-cut term, however. For example, the number of sexual experiences per year may be different from how much one enjoys them, and this may be different from how often one thinks about sex or how much enjoyment one brings to one's partner. Who's to say which one these is most relevant to the idea of a “sexual peak” period?
Even if we were to decide to limit this discussion to one of mere frequency, the problem with using the Kinsey-style method is that it's unclear whether women are said to peak later in life for physiological, psychological, or social reasons. One possible reason, according to other studies on human sexuality, is that giving birth may help women to become more sexually responsive because they develop more capillaries (and therefore more “feeling”) around the genital area. However, one researcher notes that a crying baby in the next room may do far more to cool sexual desire than a few more blood vessels could do to stoke it. In fact, a good number of women report a loss of sexual desire immediately after giving birth.
One of the better-known researchers of sexual hormones and their effect on behavior is John Money (and with whom I disagree with in other areas). He insists that how we are raised to think about sex is more relevant than how much estrogen or testosterone we secrete. He observes that while we need a little amount of hormone to get the system going, additional hormone doesn't do anything. If women enjoy sex more, or simply do it more, at forty than at twenty, this is probably more a reflection of the time required to break free from early social conditioning about sexual desire. According to Money, much of what we see as biological in women is intertwined with the concepts of how girls are educated sexually (i.e., the “Madonna/ Whore” dichotomy).
Women are taught to repress their sexuality. They are conditioned to think that if they're horny that they're sluts. Women peaking later may be a consequence of the time it takes to get over the more than twenty years of socialization before they can learn sex can be fun. An even better case against a biological reason for a later sexual peak is that from an evolutionary point of view it makes no sense for women to become interested in sex just as they're nearing the end of their childbearing years.
If the issue is socialization, then the gap between men's and women's sexual peak should narrow (become more alike) as the impact of sexual double standards lessen. Sure enough, studies since the Kinsey Report are consistently showing that “women are reaching high levels of sexual arousal at earlier ages.” There seems to be a leveling out between the sexes these days in terms of enjoyability and frequency of sex. On the other hand, women are less likely to report a lusty motive (“I was horny”) until they are in their late thirties.
What all this points to is that there is a great need for a large national study, but politicians are naturally nervous about such a project and are resistant. In fact, there are very few large-scale sexual studies these days.
There is a more important question with the claim that women reach their sexual peak at a later stage of the life cycle: a peak implies that something drops off after that milestone. The opposite seems to be true. Women tend to develop a greater ease and frequency of orgasm with more sexual experience. There is no evidence of a decline after the so-called peak.
Physiological changes in men are easier to predict than in women. Most forty year-olds ejaculate less than fifteen-year-olds, for example. However, the context in which the arousal takes place counts for much more here. How can one speak meaningfully about levels of sexual excitement without knowing who is on the other side of the bed?
More importantly, the idea that men have passed their sexual peak before their 20s should raise the question whether a state of a perpetual erection means someone is at their sexual “peak” in any real sense. The middle-aged man may win the race in terms of the sexual satisfaction he gives and receives. In fact, a study of healthy middle-aged to elderly men indicated that while sexual arousal and activity were lower for older men, sexual enjoyment and satisfaction did not show a decline with increasing age. Furthermore, masturbation accounts for the majority of the huge surge early in life. That led Kinsey to talk about men reaching their sexual peak in late adolescence. Is that the measure of the kind of sexual peak we’re really interested in?
This much is clear from my academic explorations and from personal experience: most men and women can enjoy sex at any time from puberty until death. Some researchers have found that some people don't reach their peak until they're in their late 80s! It would appear to me that there is no evidence suggesting that biology is dominant over social conditioning, psychological conditions, and individual situations. Which to me means there are no fixed sexual prime years or peak.
Yes, sometimes a little knowledge is a dangerous thing.