Looks like Spring has sprung! The following is sort of a tradition here at the [un]Common Sense Blog…
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-=[ The Odd Case of the Squeaking Vagina ]=-
The most perverse form of sexual deviancy is abstinence.
Ahhhh... the promise of Spring!
True, I become less focused, more prone to indulgence, and all other forms of ho’ing, but this time of year, with its connection to rebirth and beginnings, holds so much attraction for me. With the exception of Yvette, the third on the list of Rosarios, we were all born in the Spring. In fact, my mother actually gave birth to three Gemini sons, and Darlene, the second oldest (I’m the oldest), barely missed it, her birthday falling on May 17th. In our youth, our combined birthdays became an excuse for constant partying, since our birthdays fall on consecutive weeks, culminating with mine on June 6th (hint: please don’t buy gifts, but anonymous, edgy sex is always welcome! -- females need only apply, thank you.).
Today the temperature threatens to hover near the 70s and as the temperature rises, the clothing covering the skin of the beautiful women of New York decreases. I swear: I can almost smell the shaving cream as scantily clad wenches pass me by, the hint of a grin on their smug and pretty faces. Yeah, you know how to hurt a guy! And yes I’m single, but you know how that goes: I could be starving to death and not one maiden would pay me any mind -- more than likely she would step over, or around, my body on their way to work without giving more than a cursory look. Of course, let me find a girlfriend and they’ll be all over me like the proverbial white on rice. Perhaps I should revert to wearing a wedding ring, that always works. ::snicker::
Okay! My topic today? The consequence of the sexual deviance known as abstinence. First, I have to give props to the ladies who have developed the resolve not to give in to the erotic impulse (at great personal sacrifice, of course). Well, at least that’s what women like to say, you never know the real deal, but I’ve observed women I know taking a more assertive stance on the sex issue and I applaud you for that (yeah, right: blah blah blah).
I think we’ve all heard by now of the seven-year government study that actually showed that teens who pledge abstinence (or who are exposed to abstinence-only sex courses) not only get the same amount of STDs as other teens, but are six times more likely to engage in oral sex, and the boys are four times more likely to get anal action.
I guess, depending from what perspective one looks at it, this is either a great argument for or against abstinence-only sex education. I mean, I wish the Christian fanatics campaigning for such programs would’ve been more effective when I was in high school! I wasn’t getting any anal action from the girls back then.
Great idea, by the way: tell teens not to fuck and keep them ignorant about sex. I will tell you this, while I was in my 20s I dated a young lady who claimed to be a virgin but she was really OK with oral sex and eventually anal sex with me. She wanted to keep her hymen intact for her wedding night, she would proudly beam. I stayed with her for a lonnnnng time…
On another note, there is an unintended consequence for adult women practicing sexual abstinence: a huge spike in a little known disease that affects only adult women, vaginal atrophia. Yes, you read that correctly: vaginal atrophia. This is a degenerative affliction in which women’s’ genitalia atrophy from consistent lack of proper use.
Dr. Hughes Yurdaedy, lead investigator for a top government research agency says, “It’s unfortunate, but one of the consequences of prolonged sexual abstinence for adult women is that they lose vital functioning in their vagina which has led to what could be a very embarrassing symptom: vaginal squeaking.”
Another leading authority in the field, Dr. Yah Tah-Oosa, a researcher from Taiwan, explains, “It’s the age-old truism: if you don’t use it, you lose it.” She explains further, “The reason vaginal squeaking has become more prevalent today, is that women mistake the use erotic toys as an adequate substitute for penile penetration when in fact, our research shows that masturbation actually exacerbates the squeaking” (emphasis added).
Fuck?!! Squeaking vagina?!! At first I was somewhat skeptical but upon further reflection, I’ve actually heard vaginas squeak, but I thought I was mistaken or experiencing auditory hallucinations. The other day, a woman was hurrying by me, squeaking like a rusty bike and when I stared at her, she affected an indignant look, staring pointedly at my shoes (as if they were to blame), but my shoes don’t squeak, ma'am, thank you very much.
A good friend called me the other day despondent over her squeaking. She was a little embarrassed at first, but since she knows I keep up to date on cutting-edge medical journals, she confided: “It’s gotten to the point where it’s becoming unmanageable,” she told me between sobs. “Just the other day, a group of high school kids followed me half way down the block chanting, “Squeaky! Squeaky! Squeaky!”
Another friend related her tragedy: her new boyfriend left her because he was turned off by the sound her legs made when he attempted to spread-eagle her, “He said I sounded like a rusty gate!” she cried. I just didn’t have any words of consolation for her.
Well, boys and girls, I guess the moral of the story, if there’s any moral to be had here at all, is that perhaps white Jesus is getting even with us for denying and repressing something that is part of our divine essence, part of our human legacy: being sexual creatures.
Have a great weekend and please (!!) do something about that squeaking!