I've been gone -- invisible.
The following post is somewhat of a tradition here at the [un]Common Sense Blog. Along with spring comes the startling discovery...
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The Odd Case of the Squeaking Vaginas
The most perverse form of sexual deviancy is abstinence.
I love the promise of Spring!
True, I become less focused, more prone to indulgence, and all other forms of ho’ing, but this time of year, with its connection to rebirth and beginnings, holds so much attraction for me. With the exception of Yvette, the third on the list of Rosarios, we were all born in the Spring. In fact, my mother actually gave birth to three Gemini men, and Darlene, the second oldest (I’m the oldest), barely missed it, her birthday falling yesterday (May 17th). In our youth, our combined birthdays became an excuse for constant partying, since our birthdays fall on consecutive weeks, culminating with mine on June 6th (hint: please don’t buy gifts, but anonymous, edgy sex is always welcome... females need only apply, thank you!).
This brings me to my topic today, but before I get there, I must digress just a little longer. As much as I love to complain about winter, there is something to be said about the luxury of living in a temperate zone and bearing witness to the ritual changing of the seasons. You see, as hedonistic as I’m prone to be in warm and hot weather, I probably would not live long in a tropical zone, where I would most likely try to literally fuck my brains out. Shit, all there has to be here is a hint of warm weather and the women come out in full force, showcasing their “assets” after a long hard winter.
Sheeesh! Youse guys are mean!
Whatever… things have gotten so hectic and the clothing so scarce these days, that I swear I can almost smell the shaving cream as scantily clad wenches pass me by, the hint of a grin on their smug and pretty faces. Yeah, you know how to hurt a guy. And yes I’m single, but you know how that goes: I could be starving to death and not one maiden would pay me any mind – more than likely she would step over, or around, my body on their way to work without giving more than a cursory look. Of course, let me get a girlfriend and they’ll be all over me like the proverbial white on rice. Shoot, I should revert to wearing a wedding ring, that always works. ::snicker::
Which really brings me to my topic today: sexual abstinence and its consequences. First, I have to give some props to some of the ladies here in that they have developed the resolve not to give in to the erotic impulse (at great cost, of course). Well, at least that’s what women like to say, you never know the real deal, but I’ve observed the women I know taking a more assertive stance on the sex issue and I applaud you all for that (yeah, right).
I think we’ve all heard by now of the seven-year government study that actually showed that teens who pledge abstinence (or who take abstinence-only sex courses) not only get the same amount of STDs as other teens, but are six times more likely to engage in oral sex, and the boys are four times more likely to get anal action from the girls.
I guess, depending from what perspective one looks at it, this is either a great argument for or against abstinence-only sex education. I mean, I wish the Christian zealots who campaign for such programs would’ve been more effective when I was in school! I wasn’t getting any anal action from the girls while in high school.
Great idea, by the way: tell teens not to fuck! LMAO! I will tell you this, while I was in my 20s I dated a young lady who claimed to be a virgin and she was really OK with oral sex and eventually anal sex with me. She wanted to keep her hymen intact for her wedding night, she would proudly beam. I stayed with her for a lonnnnng time…
On another note, there is an unintended consequence for adult women practicing sexual abstinence: a huge spike in a little known disease that affects only adult women: vaginal atrophy. Yes, you read correctly: vaginal atrophy. This is a degenerative affliction in which womens’ genitalia atrophy from prolonged lack of proper use.
Dr. Hughes Jourdaedy, lead investigator for a top government research arm says, “It’s unfortunate, but one of the consequences of prolonged sexual abstinence for adult women is that they lose vital functioning in their vagina which has led to what could be a very embarrassing symptom: vaginal squeaking.”
Another authority in the field, Dr. Yah EsTah-Oosa, a researcher from Taiwan, explains, “It’s the age-old truism: if you don’t use it, you lose it.” She explains further, “The reason why vaginal squeaking has become more prevalent today, is that women mistake the use erotic toys as an adequate substitute for penile intromission when in fact, our research shows that masturbation actually exacerbates the squeaking.” [emphasis added]
Fuck! Squeaking vaginas?!! ::blank stare::
On second thought, I think I’ve actually heard vaginas squeak, but thought I was experiencing auditory hallucinations. The other day, a woman was hurrying by me and she was squeaking like a rusty tire and when I stared at her, she tried to affect an indignant look, trying to place the blame on my shoes, but my shoes don’t squeak, thank you very much.
A good friend called me the other day despondent over her squeaking. She was a little embarrassed at first, but since she knows I keep up to date on cutting edge medical journals, she confided: “It’s gotten to the point where it’s becoming unmanageable,” she told me between sobs. “Just the other day, a group of high school kids followed me half way down the block yelling ‘Squeaky.’”
Another friend related her tragedy: her new boyfriend left her because he was totally turned off by the sound her legs made when he attempted to spread-eagle her, “He said I sounded like a rusty gate!” she cried. Sadly, I just didn’t have any words of consolation for her.
Well, boys and girls, I guess the moral of the story (if there’s any moral to be had here at all) is that perhaps God is getting even with us for denying and repressing something that is part of our essence, part of our human legacy: being sexual creatures.
Have a great weekend and please (!!) do something about that squeaking!