Spring has sprung and it’s time to put up this very important public service announcement...
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-=[ The Curious Case of the Squeaky Vaginas ]=-
The most perverse form of sexual deviancy is abstinence.
I love Spring!
True, I become less focused, more prone to indulgence, and all other forms of “ho’ hopping,” but this time of year, with its symbolism of rebirth and beginnings, holds so much attraction for me. It doesn’t hurt that I was born during the spring season, with my birthday falling on June 6th (hint: please don’t buy gifts, but anonymous, edgy sex is always welcome! – females need only apply, thank you).
This brings me to my topic today, namely sexual abstinence and its consequences. But before I get there, I must digress just a little. As much as I love to complain about winter, there is something to be said about living in a temperate zone and the changing of the seasons. You see, as hedonistic as I’m prone to be in warm and hot weather, I probably would not last in a tropical zone, where I would most likely try to literally fuck my brains out. Shit, all there has to be here is a hint of warm weather and the women come out in full force, showcasing their “assets” after a long hard winter.
Sheeesh! Youse guys are mean!
Whatever… things have gotten so hectic and the clothing so scarce these days, that I can swear I can almost smell the shaving cream as scantily clad wenches pass me by, the hint of a grin on their smug and pretty faces. Yeah, you know how to hurt a guy. And yes I’m single, but you know how that goes: I could be starving to death and not one maiden would pay me any mind -- more than likely women would step over, or around, my body on their way to work without giving more than a cursory look. Of course, let me get a girlfriend and they’ll be all over me like the proverbial white on rice! Shoot, I should revert to wearing a wedding ring, that always works.
Okay, to our topic today: sexual abstinence and its consequences. First, I have to give some props to the ladies in that have kept to the resolve not to give in to the erotic impulse (at great cost, of course). Well, at least that’s what women like to say, you never know the real deal, but I’ve observed the women I know taking a more assertive stance on the sex issue and I applaud you all for that (yeah, right).
I think we’ve all heard by now of the seven-year government study that showed that teens who pledge abstinence (or who take abstinence only sex courses) not only get the same amount of STDs as other teens, but are six times more likely to engage in oral sex, and the boys are four times more likely to get anal action.
Dang! I guess, depending from what perspective one looks at it, this is either a great argument for or against abstinence-only sex education. I mean, I wish the Christian zealots championing such programs would’ve been more effective when I was in school! I wasn’t getting any anal action from the girls while in high school.
Great idea, by the way: tell teens not to fuck! LMAO! I will tell you this, while I was in my 20s I dated a young lady who claimed to be a virgin and she was really ok with oral sex and eventually anal sex. She wanted to keep her “hymen intact” for her wedding night, she would beam. I stayed with her for a lonnnnng time...
On another note, there is an unintended consequence for adult women practicing sexual abstinence: a huge spike in a little known disease that affects only adult women, vaginal arthritis. Yes, you read correctly: vaginal arthritis. This is a degenerative affliction in which women’s’ genitalia atrophy from consistent lack of proper use.
Dr. Hughes Jour-Daeddy, lead investigator for a top government research arm says, “It’s unfortunate, but one of the consequences of prolonged sexual abstinence for adult women is that they lose vital functioning around their vaginal area which has led to what could be a very embarrassing symptom: vaginas that squeak.”
Another authority in the field, Dr. Yah EsTah-Oosa, a researcher from
Fuck! Squeaking vaginas?!!
But, come to think of it, I’ve actually heard vaginas squeak, but I thought I was suffering from auditory hallucinations. The other day, a woman was hurrying by me and she was squeaking like the proverbial screen door and when I stared at her, she tried to affect an indignant look, trying to place the blame on my shoes, but my shoes don’t squeak, thank you very much.
A good friend called me the other day despondent over her squeaking. She was a little embarrassed at first, but since she knows I keep up to date on cutting edge medical findings on human sexuality, she confided: “It’s gotten to the point where it’s becoming unmanageable,” she told me between sobs. “Just the other day, a group of high school kids followed me half way down the block calling me ‘Squeaky’!”
Another friend related her tragedy: her new boyfriend left her because he was totally turned off by the sound her legs made when he attempted to spread-eagle her, “He said I sounded like a rusty gate!” she cried. I just didn’t have any words of consolation for her.
Well, boys and girls, I guess the moral of the story (if there’s any moral to be had here at all) is that perhaps God is getting even with us for denying and repressing something that is part of our essence, part of our human legacy: being sexual creatures.
Ladies: Please do all of us a favor and make an appointment for sex... soon!