The Friday Sex Blog [Childhood and Sexuality]

Hola mi Gente,

I’m headed out for an interview, so I can’t dilly dally. I wanted to sink my teeth into that whole Bill Clinton going off on a racist rant yesterday that had Trump green with envy, but that will have to wait. Wish me luck!

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Childhood and Sexuality

Truth, Fictions, and Myths

We do great harm to children when we withhold sexual information from them. Today, thanks to the dominant conservative voices, sexual education is a joke. Sex Ed, under the new Victorian era, has been reduced to reading from a two-line script: “Don’t do it.” “Get married.”

This is a crime...

Freud saw childhood sexuality as a relentless quest for knowledge. The desire for information didn’t play as a substitute for physical pleasure, it balanced it. From the very beginning, sexuality seeks a language to explain itself. Freud was treated as an outcast for daring to endorse providing children with that language -- with information about their body parts and how they worked, about how babies are made and born.

At the beginning of the 21^st century, as the AIDS epidemic persists and our children need information most, the pendulum has swung toward telling them less. A strategy of censorship has emerged and it wears a particularly scary disguise: advice to parents to speak more, to embrace their responsibility as children’s primary sexual teachers. This is a “family value” that the conservatives can get behind and very few can disagree with. However, a seemingly harmless parent-friendly idea can have a less than child-friendly effect.

I expect the sexual prudes who rally against school-based sexuality education are aware of what would happen if the task of sexual enlightenment were left entirely to parents: almost nobody would do it.

And the studies bear out my suspicions. Parents do talk the talk: most agree that sex education is their job. However, when it comes to talking the sex talk, few can bring themselves to do it. One survey by the National Communication Association showed that parents identified sex as the subject they were least comfortable talking about. Similar research with children shows that they rate their parents’ efforts less generously than their fathers and mothers. The first pattern that stands out is the difference between the perception of parents and teens, one study showed. When interviewing both generations of the same families, the kids consistently remembered talking about fewer topics than their parents did. One longitudinal study found that more than half of teens believed their parents understood them pretty well. The bad news was that almost half thought mom and dad got it somewhat or hardly at all.

Even someone such as myself, “Mr. Sexual Freedom,” didn’t have a problem-free sex pass. I remember once entering my son’s room full of 12-13 year-old boys and bringing up the subject of masturbation. My son never forgave me for that one! LOL! Which leads me to state that while teens might tell researchers that they wish their parents would discuss sexuality more, I believe given the choice, they would rather talk to a different confidante (an “aunt” or other trusted adult, for example). I chalk it up to the incest taboo: children don’t want to know about their parents’ sex lives (or masturbatory tendencies) and, from the minute they might conceivably have a sex life, they usually don’t want their parents to know about theirs.

What’s interesting is there is little talk about the dynamic of how trusted adults become substitute sex education teachers for children. I know that if I hadn't been able to get through my son, I would’ve welcomed a trusted friend or family member to step into that role. In fact, sex education teachers are the professionalized version of trusted adults.

Children absorb their attitudes toward love, their bodies, authority, and equality from their families. They are trained in tolerance and kindness or their opposite. Few live in families comfortable enough to discuss the nitty-gritty details of sex. And when we (we meaning all of us -- society) don’t teach our children, guess who they learn it from? They learn it from others who are themselves ignorant (i.e., their peers or people with a sexual agenda) or those who may not have their best interests at heart.

So, if parents aren’t talking to their children and federally funded sex educators aren’t being allowed to talk to their students, to whom will our children turn? I’ll tell you where, on the internet or the street. And most of the information from those sources is geared toward selling sex. In other words, sex on the internet is mostly treated as it is elsewhere in our society: as something to use to buy and sell -- a commodity

Then you guys bitch and moan about the supposed lack of moral character our children? Pfffft!

The myth that exposing children to sexual information before they are supposedly ready is detrimental to them was exploded for me when I took the time to actually listen to and talk with young people. Folks? They get it. Some of them get it better than you, believe it or not. Kids get the wide range of emotions embedded in concepts such as jealousy and desire, for example. Why not prepare them?

What consequences do we suffer as a society when we choose to leave the most important discussion about the most powerful force known to humankind to random chance?

My name is Eddie and I’m in recovery from civilization… 

The Friday Sex Blog [Erotophobia]

Hola mi Gente,

Today I have two job interviews… Now, let’s get down to the real nitty gritty.

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What Sexual Revolution?

Love is the absence of anxiety.

-- Wilhelm Reich

We live in a culture that appears to be enthusiastic about sex. According to pollsters most people enjoy having sex and lovemaking and do it regularly. Countless women’s magazines blare the word “sex” on covers, barking out “sex quizzes” for everything under the sun. Novels, television shows, and movies purportedly explore the nuances of erotic life. The largest money-maker on the internet is -- you guessed it -- pornography. Otherwise bored housewives rwad S&M-themed novels and watch the films inspired by them (I always say that everyone is into S&M until they forget their safe word). Explicit sex entertainment (especially in the Deep South’s Bible Belt) is a billion-dollar industry. It would appear to the lax observer, that sex-positive attitudes are prevalent in our society.

But appearances, as they often are, can be deceiving. The very rationale for my Friday sex blogs is my contention that most people in our culture are highly ignorant of, and ambivalent about, sex. Our collective inner sexual conflict lies in the tension between our inborn erotic nature and the irrational fears about our own sexuality. Social scientists have begun to note this irrational fear of sex -- erotophobia. I see this as a largely unrecognized condition and its impact on our lives and culture goes largely unnoticed.

Take the time to examine any aspect of human sexuality in our culture and you will be confronted with sexual fear. Consider the widespread discomfort many people experience even talking about sex. Though the media assaults us daily with the sexual exploits of celebrities, most of us have enormous difficulty talking openly and frankly about sex. It seems we suffer from what some researchers call a “sexual language barrier.” I would add that most people feel more comfortable swapping spit (and other bodily fluids) than sharing words about the event.

Children’s developing sexuality are the first casualty of erotophobia. In fact, the phrase, “child sexuality,” is itself dangerous territory in the U.S. Children pick up quickly on the adult discomfort with sexual language. As one prominent sex researcher, John Money puts it: “… no child can grow up without becoming acquainted with the taboo on talking about sex. No matter how open the conversation may be at home, or among peers, every child discovers sooner or later that certain everyday sexual words are absolutely forbidden in school, at church, on television and elsewhere.”

Most parents feel uncomfortable giving their children even basic sex education. Many children come of age without knowing the correct names for human genital organs, for example. We’re so ambivalent about sex that, in a society that supposedly values intelligence and self-awareness, almost every female will reach adulthood without knowing the name of her erotic pleasure center, the clitoris.

In a similar vein, most teenaged boys masturbate regularly yet hear not a word from their parents about this crucially important sexual behavior. Most parents I have known would rather commit hara kiri than openly discussing masturbatory pleasure with their children.

Our schools teach (or at least used to) our children how to paint, make music, play sports, and learn about their bodies in countless non-erotic ways, but neglect erotic education. The focus of sex education in our culture, interestingly enough, is almost entirely predicated on avoiding disease and pregnancy. The issue of teaching creative ways to experience pleasure is off the table -- completely. The consequence of all this is that most people reach adulthood profoundly ignorant about sex, especially its pleasure potential. Consider masturbation, a sexual act that risks no sexual disease or unwanted pregnancy. Tens of millions of people in our culture are uncomfortable with it. The most comprehensive survey of U.S. sexual behavior reports that half of the people who masturbate feel guilty about it. The researchers believe this percentage underestimates the actual number of people who feel negative about masturbation because those who are highly uncomfortable with it stop masturbating.

Our behavior with our sexual partners also reflects a sexual ambivalence. The average sexual encounter is quick and often routine. Sexual surveys indicate that though there are unlimited opportunities for sex, “… couples level off at about 1 hour a week, four hours a month, or the equivalent of about six 8-hour days a year.” This is certainly not a picture of much sexual action.

In fact, most of us have a narrow set of sexual practices that entail a short sequence of erotic acts that varies little from day to day, partner to partner -- the “lick-em, stick-em, and cum” school of sexual gratification. We seem to fear any form of sexual experimentation or originality. Conversely, we seek out the new in movies, books, travel, fashion, and gadgets but our sexual expression remains bland and repetitive.

You might be thinking that all this doesn’t pertain to you, my reader. I hear it all the time, “Not me, Eddie.” Bullshit.

Though sexual fear is widespread, it’s hard to detect because it usually exists alongside positive attitudes towards sex. Only a very few erotophobic individuals see all sex in a negative way. Most of us enjoy erotic pleasure in specific contexts. It’s similar to the way some racists deny their racist attitudes because “some of my best friends are Latin@/ Black,” etc. Most of us cannot see our erotophobia because we are conscious of only our positive sexual feelings. That’s why I’m confronted with a lot of denial, statements such as, “I couldn’t be erotophobic; I’ve had so many lovers, I’ve lost count,” or, “Not me Eddie! How could you say I fear sex, I do it all the time?!”

Secondly, erotophobia is often learned is through an insidiously unconscious process. We acquire this fear in much the same way we acquire accent in our speech. In the same way, we absorb erotophobia subliminally in our early years through countless social interactions that are so normal and widespread, we take them for granted. Sure, later adult experiences serve to undo some this irrational fear of sex, but reinforces others. Schools, religion, the media, and the legal system set policies that condition senseless sexual fears in millions of minds, yet we are almost completely ignorant of its effect.

Finally, the last reason why we are not conscious of our own negative attitudes towards sex is that irrational sexual ideas are so deeply entrenched in our culture that they are difficult to recognize as ridiculous. Furthermore, even a suggestion of a culturally unsanctioned notion of sex will be attacked irrationally. One good example is the widespread irrational belief that the sight of adult recreational nudity harms children. Such an idea is regularly stated but has no basis in reality -- there’s no empirical basis for such a belief. It’s a delusion that is often expressed, but rarely challenged. In fact it’s immune from rational challenge.

All of this is not accidental. Like the shameful and immoral institution of slavery (and racism), erotophobia happens for a reason. It exists and is passed on because powerful forces drive it and in order to socially control the masses.

Yeah, sex is good for you… what a concept.

My name is Eddie and I’m in recovery from civilization…