The Friday Sex Blog [Dating]

Hola mi gente,
Going to a meeting today and I am hoping that I could get some work at a mall tomorrow representing some bullshit product. I need to get at least $300 before the end of the month so that I don’t lose my property in storage and get my cellphone turned off. 

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Thank you for those who have contributed so far. You’re probably going to heaven if you’re not already there (at least psychologically).

A Quick and Dirty History of Dating

A kiss that is never tasted, is forever and ever wasted.
 -- Billie Holiday

I haven’t been dating much lately and it’s not only because I am currently unemployed (though that’s certainly a factor). But even when I was working I had moved away from dating and more toward what young people call, hooking up. Whatevah, go ahead and slut shame. LOL

The other day, I was part of a discussion in which one woman claimed that if a man can’t afford to buy a woman dinner (on a date), she didn’t consider him a “real” man. For her, dating apparently is a way to get a meal. LOL However, though many people might consider this an antiquated notion, that was exactly how dating began.

With the advent of new technologies (e.g., cell phones, instant messaging, video chatting, etc.) and the changing definitions of traditional dating and families, “dating,” some argue, is nonexistent and has become a more fluid and self-interpreted institution over the century.

Needless to say, however, for many people dating is hell. But imagine how much worse would it be if the very act of dating could land you in jail? You might find this amusing until you learn that some women were thrown in jail for this horrible crime. I kid you not, the first female daters faced exactly that -- mistaken, in their quest for love, for prostitutes. When these single women, stripped from their dependency on fathers and husbands, began to be courted in public, police, politicians, and civic leaders went into a moral panic. After centuries of women’s fortunes being dictated by the men around them, the notion of women on their own frightened a patriarchal, misogynistic society. In Chicago, single women were known as “women adrift.”

Dating¹ is a historically recent construct, initially driven by an influx of women into the big cities seeking work around the turn of the 20th Century. In the first decade of the twentieth century, men called upon young women by visiting their homes, with the supervision of her parents, so that they may get to know each other on an intellectual and emotional level. The couple was rarely left alone, making physical contact and sexual intimacy nearly impossible.

Since lower-class families did not have the resources to entertain potential suitors in their home, many couples began leaving the house to spend time together. That’s how the phrase, “going out on a date,” became part of popular culture. During this period, dating was defined as the period of time two people spend together (in a nonsexual relationship) before marriage. 

These circumstances gave birth to dating rituals and other unfortunate traditions that still remain, or still cause confusion as customs change. When women first joined the workforce, the widespread belief was they were working, not to support themselves, but only to supplement the earnings of fathers or husbands. Employers used this fallacy as an excuse to pay women far less than they paid men. In 1900, the average female worker earned less than half of what a man would earn in the same position.

If you’ve ever wondered how it developed that men were expected to treat their dates, that’s how. Imagine the financial burden of a young woman living in a boardinghouse in Hell’s Kitchen in 1915. But as these women were courted in public, efforts were undertaken to curb what authorities viewed as a potential public menace. At the time, women who let men buy them food and drinks or gifts were perceived as whores, and going out on a date was seen as the equivalent as turning a trick. 

Eventually, women on dates came to be known as Charity Girls. Since they took no money for their “favors,” they were perceived to be giving it away as charity. It got so bad that at one point, prostitutes at New York’s Strand Hotel complained that Charity Girls were putting them out of business.

Dating became a common and more relaxed way to get to know another person, especially when the automobile was invented and widely consumed by the U.S. public. Young people began going out to restaurants or to the cinema to have fun. Women would only accept date invitations from men with money and gifts and tried to refrain from being seen with the same boy too often.

While dating became acceptable, it wasn’t exactly liberating for women. If the American Dream for men was to work hard and become a success, the equivalent for women was to get a good job and marry your rich boss. The other alternative was for women to take jobs in high-class department stores where rich men were likely to shop. 

The cosmetics industry exploded in the 1920s. Previously, only prostitutes and actresses painted. Victorians had viewed natural outer beauty as a sign of clean living. But around 1900, more and more women were starting to apply cosmetics. By 1912, the Baltimore Sun reported that even respectable society women were seen on our streets and fashionable promenade with painted faces. To counter society’s negative association with painted faces, the cosmetics industry invented a new term: makeup.

During World War II and continuing through the 1940s, young male adults in the United States were scarce. As a result of the mandatory draft, most of them were overseas fighting the war. Women became less concerned with a man's status and more about his likelihood of survival. A new relationship style called “going steady” emerged. Across university campuses, couples publicized their decision to “go steady” when the man gave the woman an article of his clothing to wear, such as a jacket, sweater, or ring. With “going steady” and “dating” in the 1940s and 1950s (unlike those of previous generations), people had more influence on the relationship than did the family. As the twentieth century progressed, young couples were more likely to partake in premarital sex within the context of committed relationships.

By the 1960s and 1970s, dating is really about sex. With the emergence Women's Movement and the birth control pill, a sexual revolution began. Many young adults began experimenting and questioning the status quo. A counter-culture that embraced alternatives and the human potential movement evolved and people began to have more sexual encounters. The Women's Movement reinforced the idea that women, like men, were sexual beings who had desires and the right to receive pleasure. All of these factors merged to create an atmosphere that appreciated sex and all of its benefits. Therefore, people became open to having sexual experiences and accepting their inner desires.

Today, a first date can very likely happen before you even meet in person. Before a first date even happens, apps and the Internet have changed it entirely. The flirting, coyness, and getting-to-know-you talk that used to fill first dates now happens in cyberspace: Twenty-two percent of 25- to 34-year olds are using dating sites or apps. By the time an IRL (“in real life”) first date happens, we've already gotten to know so much about the other person online (whether via volunteered information or our own stalkerish tendencies) that the initial first face-to-face already has a feel of familiarity. Dating has become a very individualized process and each dating-scene participant may have their own set of rules and ideas about what should come from relationships and how much sexual intimacy should occur during each stage.

Suffice it say that as dating rituals changed, moral authorities panicked at every turn. After “petting” came into vogue in the 1920s, for example, Times article from 1922 with the title, “Mothers Complain That Modern Girls ‘Vamp’ Their Sons at Petting Parties,” appeared.

Those evil, evil modern girls.

My name is Eddie and I’m in recovery from civilization… 

Notes:

1. It is important to note that many of mainstream dating rituals were strictly confined to heterosexual (heteronormative) dating. In the early days of dating, many LGBTQI couples had to keep their relationships a secret for fear of being publicly stigmatized. For this reason, the history of dating tends to be quite different for the LGBTQI population.

Children and Relationships

Hola Everybody,
I will submit that when things are at their most challenging is when we most need to be vigilant and most need to apply the principles we live by. All this can very easily devolve into a huge mess -- or a bigger mess. 

A dear friend once asked, about the following, so imma try. But remember: I don't even own a cat!

Dating and our Children

Your children are not your children. They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself.
 -- Khalil Gibran

About half of marriages in the US end up in divorce. Of the half of the people who stay married, 80% state that they are unhappy in their marriages.

Think about that for a moment… 

One consequence is that the odds are that you will more than likely date someone with children from a previous marriage. Personally, I have dated maybe two-three women in the past ten years who were childless. Children present yet another dynamic in newly forming romantic relationships and it is one that cannot be ignored. You have kids, you are still vital and you want to date.

At a previous job, I became the unofficial “therapist” for a select group of my co-workers until I put a stop to it (it got out of hand). One day, a co-worker came rushing into my office obviously upset.

“Do you think I have baggage, Eddie?” she asked.

I was like, Huh?

She explained that another co-worker informed her that because she had two kids, she had “baggage.” I found the idea so preposterous that I laughed, which made my co-worker cry. She had taken the observation seriously. After assuring her that any man worth her time would never see her children as “baggage,” she walked away feeling a little better, if not firmly convinced. In fact, I do think there are people who consider children as baggage. It is true.

For those of us recently divorced, we may feel that we will never love another again. Or, as my co-worker, you may feel that your “baggage” may preclude you from remarrying. Though many divorced people claim that they never want to get married again, statistics show that vast majority do remarry (proving the cliché about eternal optimism). Chances are that at some point you will feel ready to date again and will want to enter into a new relationship. As you explore the territory of new relationships, there are some questions you may find yourself asking and stages you can expect to go through.

The question put to me was thus:

How will children impact my relationships?

First off, your children, no matter what their age, are the first casualties of any failed relationship and it will take time for them to accept new ones. In order for this to happen, you need to communicate honestly and openly with them. Explain that you are beginning to date again because this is what adults do (face it: even the most ardent breeders need nookie). Most importantly, children need to know that a new relationship does not mean that you will love them any less.

At first, you may want to protect your children from confusion or anxiety by dating discretely and occasionally. Some people don't understand that it's not necessary to introduce every new date to their kids. Instead, you might wait until your new relationship becomes serious. It will certainly be confusing to your children if there is a parade of new people who come in and out of your life and, consequently, theirs as well.

When there is someone special in your life, explain to your children that you care about this person very much and hope they will get to know each other. Don't expect your children to embrace your new partner as a new father or mother figure -- this can make them feel guilty or disloyal to their other parent. Finally, give them time to adjust to your new relationship, and make sure that the children feel confident that they will get plenty of your love and attention, regardless of whether or not you are in a relationship.

The other side to this equation is that you will have to accept the fact that the biological mother/ father of your lover's children will always be a part of your life. This is an inescapable and sometimes unpleasant fact. Though it may be next to impossible, you're going to have to find a way to deal with that person. I'm always fond of saying that love ain't a feeling, it's an act of will. If you truly love your partner and their children, you will make that commitment work -- somehow. There are so many issues here, it's hard to stay on track, but another impact is being an effective step-parent. If you're in a relationship with a person who has children, somewhere down the line you will have to shape the influence you will have on that child's life. In many cases, you will called upon to act as a parent only to have to step back when the time calls for it. This is not an easy task, to say the least.

One last note: I find it offensive when women (and to a lesser extent, men) allow the romantic partners in their lives parent their children. I'm not talking about long-term, committed relationships, but relationships that phizz out after a year or so. When you commit to a relationship as a parent, you're also committing your children to that relationship and it isn't fair that a series of what are essentially strangers parent your children. That's a major impact of having children: they seriously limit how you do relationships.

My name is Eddie and I’m in recovery from civilization… 

Dinner with Eddie

¡Hola! Everybody...
I’ve had an interesting couple of days...

* * *

-=[ Conflict Resolution ]=-

I went out on a dinner date this past Friday with this lovely lady. She doesn’t know it yet, but I have good intentions for her.

::grin::

Anyway, we’re having this dinner by candlelight with one of the most beautiful views of the Brooklyn Bridge as our vista and having a leisurely conversation. I’m making her smile and I’m saying all those witty things -- just having a good time. At some point, she asks me a question about politics and I refuse, saying I didn’t want to bore her with politics or stuff about my work and she says the wrong thing: she tells me that what most attracts me to her is how my mind works.

DANG!

So, I’m there showing off, pontificating on the racist roots of neoconservatism when, seemingly out of nowhere, this fool interjects into our private conversation and then proceeds to threaten me. You all know how much I have being threatened. I’m trying to keep my meticulously cultivated “Latino Cool,” but he’s really starting to piss me off. I ask him nicely to stop or I’ll have to resort to more stringent methods. By now, he’s bedside himself, and attracting the attention of other diners.

So I get up from my chair (he rises also!), walk past him, and go to the manager (who I happen to know). I inform him that an irate diner is threatening me with physical harm and if he doesn’t remove him from the premises, I’ll be forced to call the authorities. The manger visibly freaks, the last thing he wants is a scene, he asks me to identify the culprit, and I lead him to the person. I say in words clear, “If you don’t remove this person from the premises now, I will call the police. This man is threatening me and making a nuisance of himself.”

A couple at the table next to us agrees that the man has been belligerent and disruptive. So the manager asks the man to leave. The man resists, but the manager has called a security guard. He looks at me, calls me a “faggot,” takes his jacket and his date and is escorted away.

Everybody applauds.

I’m 54 years-old with a job I love that pays me well, why would I risk it all because I need to prove my manhood?

::blank stare::

I’m not trying to paint myself as some ultra-tolerant, pacifist, because I am hardly the role model. But violence should be the last resort and even then, violence should come from a place of compassion. A younger “Eddie” may have met his bullying with resistance. Or I would’ve first humiliated him with my wit before eventually escalating the violence...

In my life I have met men serving life sentences who have told me that a split second’s decision cost them 25 years.

Oh yeah! The date you ask? Man was she impressed with how I handled myself! I think she got moist... Kidding!

Love,

Eddie