Fairness and Life

Hola mi Gente,

It’s cold again today, but we really can’t complain, it’s been a mild winter here with very little, if any snow. Two-three months from now I’ll be whistling my way (hopefully) to my new job, watching the leaves make a comeback, my thoughts consumed with yet another promise of spring.

Now watch it set a record for snowstorms!  LOL

* * * 

Motifs in Indian temples often use interconnected shaped and knots symbolizing karma and the link between all lives. Above is an interconnected motif in a Jain temple.

Life Ain’t Always Fair

[Note: some of the details of the following have been changed in order to respect anonymity]

Just the other day, I received a telephone call from someone who I had the pleasure of working with. She always calls me at east two-three times a year to say hello and tell me about what she has done and her life. 

I first met her when I was a director for a reentry project several years ago and she had just been released after a ten-year prison sentence. Her crime? She beat her husband to within an inch of his life. Actually, as she put it, she thought he was dead and that’s the only reason she stopped beating on him. Her husband had systematically abused her for about fifteen years, almost from the time she had met him when she was a teenager. Throughout those years, she suffered broken bones, bruises, humiliation, and emotional and psychological abuse. In spite of the adversity, she managed to get a college degree and several good jobs in the financial sector (which she often had to leave because of her husband’s behavior).

Then one day she couldn’t take it anymore and she snapped. When she came to us, she was forty years of age, but she looked like she was twenty. She was very pretty, petite, soft-spoken, with intelligent eyes, and articulate. I often wondered how all that rage could have been contained in such a small form. She had been having a tough go at it, mostly because she could not find a job. This is the “collateral consequences” of incarceration: having to pay for your crime even after having served your sentence. Millions of people will never be able to vote, for example. That is also known as disenfranchisement.

She was crying one day in my office, trying to cope with the vicissitudes of life. She could not find suitable housing because she could not get a job. In a circular fashion, she could not find employment because she had a criminal record. Sometimes I simply sat with her and I often thought to myself that she was right. As far as I’m concerned, she should not have gone to prison in the first place.

People, mostly people ignorant of the term, like to use the word karma as if it means retribution. It does not. The historical Buddha called the workings of karma one of the “four unconjecturables.” We could drive ourselves crazy speculating on how it will play out, he said (Anguttara Nikaya 4.77). But I won’t get into karma today; I’ll leave that for some other day.

The fact remains that life is not always fair. Neither are people, ourselves included. Sometimes people take advantage of us. Sometimes we do all the right things and still wind up on the short end of the proverbial stick. Sometimes we are hurt though we may have acted cautiously. On the other hand, others may be generous to us and yet we take advantage of their kindness. Or we act with good intentions toward others and our efforts go unappreciated or misrepresented.

That life is unfair is perhaps a given. It is an aspect of life that challenges us to do the psychological work to grieve for the losses associated with unfairness. It also challenges us to do the spiritual work necessary so as not to become vindictive. Both of these together equal the unconditional acceptance to the unalterable fact that life, generally speaking, is not always fair: you win some, you lose some. And yes, I realize this all sounds mundane and banal… 

It’s easy to be “spiritual,” forgiving, and wise when things are going right or when we are dealing with easy-going, caring people. Anyone, even an asshole, can do that. The real challenge is to meet our losses with an open heart, with a commitment to act and think compassionately toward others, especially when they test our patience or willfully hurt us.

Some people, lacking a full appreciation of self-love, mistake what I am saying. Being open and cultivating compassion when faced with cruelty does not mean we allow ourselves to become victims of abuse. It simply means we  allow ourselves to be what we are when we are most loving -- vulnerable. 

Any relationship can have deeply painful moments in it. A mature person knows that closing off and building walls is dangerous to their sensitivity and that remaining too open is dangerous to their boundaries. A psycho-spiritual maturity allows us to walk the middle path where a willingness to be open is tempered by a healthy maintenance of boundaries. We can seek amends when others treat us unfairly, ask for redress, and if that doesn’t work, we let go and our hearts do not close. Ultimately, letting go has the effect of opening the heart.

It is also a given that human beings seem to live with the default setting of retaliation. It takes a conscious effort to override this seemingly hard-wired setting. We have to customize our factory settings. Our ego’s favorite sport is retaliation, but if I accept you as you are without protest or blame, I am then not driven to get back at you as your judge and executioner. 

My former client is one of the more powerful teachers of the reality of life’s unfairness. Though she has been abused by individuals, society, and its institutions, her heart remains open. At one point, working together we were able to take her out of a dangerous city shelter, and find a living arrangement with other women in a transitional home. And though she had no money, was unfairly stigmatized, and could not get a job, she would come to my office and accompany me to speaking engagements where she used her pain and suffering for the benefit of others and her life became infinitely richer because of it. Knowing what she had experienced, I don’t know if I would have had the spiritual dignity to act as she did, with an open heart.

I do know her example took away all my excuses and that was the power of the teaching she embodied. What about you? Have you built a fortress around your heart as a response to pain? Or do you remain open, knowing to live is to know pain? However, life can seem unfair and pain might be inevitable, but suffering is optional.

My Name is Eddie and I’m in recovery from civilization… 

Life and Fairness

¡Hola! Everybody,
I’m heading out hopefully to move the bulk of my stuff today. My driver flaked out on me at the last minute yesterday because he had to work, so I’m counting on someone I don’t know that well. Wish me luck…

It’s cold again today, but we really can’t complain, it’s been a mild winter here with very little, if any snow. Two-three weeks and I’ll be whistling my way to work, watching the leaves make a comeback, my dick getting hard at yet another promise of spring.

Now watch us get a record snowstorm two weeks from now! LOL

* * *

-=[ Life Ain’t Always Fair ]=-

I’m working with a young woman who just got out of a ten-year prison sentence. Her crime? She beat her husband to within an inch of his life. Actually, she thought he was dead and that’s the only reason she stopped beating on him. Her husband had systematically abused her for about fifteen years, almost from the time she had known him. Throughout those years, she suffered broken bones, bruises, humiliation, and emotional and psychological abuse. Through it all, she managed to get a college degree and several good jobs in the financial sector.

Then one day she couldn’t take it anymore and she snapped. She’s thirty years of age, but she looks like she’s fourteen. She’s very pretty, petite, soft-spoken, articulate. I wonder how all that rage could’ve been contained in such a small form. She’s been having a tough go at it, because she can’t find a job. We call it the “collateral consequences” of incarceration: having to pay for your crime even after having served your sentence. Millions of people will never be able to vote, for example. We call that disenfranchisement.

She was crying the other day in my office, telling me that life isn’t fair. She can’t get a job because she has a criminal record. Sometimes I sit with her and I think to myself that she’s right. As far as I’m concerned, she shouldn’t have gone to jail in the first place.

People, mostly people ignorant of the term, like to use the word karma as if it meant retribution. It doesn’t. The Buddha called the workings of karma one of the “four unconjecturables.” We could drive ourselves crazy speculating on how it will play out, he said (Anguttara Nikaya 4.77). But I won’t get into karma today; I’ll leave that for tomorrow.

The fact remains that life is not always fair. Neither are people, ourselves included. Sometimes we are taken advantage of. Sometimes we do all the right things and still wind up on the short end of the proverbial stick. Sometimes we’re hurt though we may have acted cautiously. Others may be generous to us and yet we take advantage of their kindness. Or we act with good intentions toward others and our efforts go unappreciated or misrepresented.

That life is unfair is a given. It’s a fact of life that challenges us to do the psychological work to grieve for the losses associated with unfairness. It also challenges us to do the spiritual work necessary so as not to become vindictive. Both of these together equal the unconditional acceptance to the unalterable fact that things aren’t always fair: you win some, you lose some.

It’s easy to be “spiritual” and forgiving, wise when things are going right or when you’re dealing with easy-going, caring people. Anyone, even an asshole, can do that. The real challenge is to meet our losses with an open heart, with a commitment to act and think compassionately toward others, especially when they test our patience or willfully hurt us. Some people, lacking self-love mistake what I’m saying. Being open and cultivating compassion when faced with cruelty does not mean we allow ourselves to become victims of abuse. It means we simply allow ourselves to be what we are when we are most loving – vulnerable. Any relationship can have deeply painful moments in it. A mature person knows that closing off and building false walls is dangerous to their sensitivity and that remaining too open is dangerous to their boundaries. A psycho-spiritual maturity allows us to walk the middle path where a willingness to be open is tempered by a healthy maintenance of boundaries. We can seek amends when others treat us unfairly, ask for redress, and if that doesn’t work, we let go and our hearts do not close. Letting go has the effect of opening the heart.

It is also a given that human beings live on the default setting of retaliation. It takes a conscious effort to override this default setting. We have to customize our factory settings. Our ego’s favorite sport is retaliation, but if I accept you as you are without protest or blame, I am then not driven to get back at you as your judge and executioner. My client is one of the more powerful teachers of this given of life’s unfairness. Though she has been abused by individuals and society, her heart remains open. Just recently, I have been able to take her out of a dangerous city shelter, living with other women in a transitional home. And though she has no money, is faced with stigma and can’t get a job, she comes to my office and accompanies me when I go to speaking engagements. She uses her pain and suffering for the benefit of others and her life is infinitely richer because of it. Knowing what she’s gone through, I don’t know if I would have the spiritual dignity to act as she does, with an open heart.

I do know her example takes away all my excuses and that’s the power of the teaching she embodies. What about you? What’s your excuse?

Love,

Eddie