The Friday Sex Blog [Erotophobia]

Hola Everybody...
Today’s blog photo comes courtesy of a friend who requested anonymity…

Let’s get down to the real nitty gritty. 

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What Sexual Revolution?

Love is the absence of anxiety.

-- Wilhelm Reich

We live in a culture that appears to be enthusiastic about sex. According to pollsters most people enjoy having sex and lovemaking and do it regularly. Countless women’s magazines blare the word “sex” on covers, barking out “sex quizzes” for everything under the sun. Novels, television shows, and movies purportedly explore the nuances of erotic life. The largest money-maker on the internet is -- you guessed it -- pornography. Otherwise bored housewives saturate the internet with revealing photos of themselves (whether real or fake is irrelevant). Explicit sex entertainment (especially in the Deep South) is a billion-dollar industry. It would appear to the lax observer, that sex-positive attitudes are prevalent in our society.

But appearances, as they often are, can be deceiving. The very rationale for my Friday sex blogs is my contention that most people in our culture are highly ignorant of, and ambivalent about, sex. In opposition to our inborn erotic nature exist irrational fears about our own sexuality. Social scientists have begun to note this irrational fear of sex, erotophobia, and I have touched on this subject in previous blogs. I see this as a largely unrecognized condition and its impact on our lives and culture goes largely unnoticed.

Take the time to examine any aspect of human sexuality in our culture and you will be confronted with sexual fear. Consider the widespread discomfort many people experience even talking about sex. Though the media assaults us daily on the sexual exploits of celebrities, most of us have enormous difficulty talking openly and frankly about the subject. It seems we suffer from what some researchers call a “sexual language barrier.” I would add that most people feel more comfortable swapping spit (and other bodily fluids) than sharing words about the event.

Children are the first casualty of erotophobia. They pick up quickly on the adult discomfort with sexual language. As one prominent sex researcher, John Money puts it: “… no child can grow up without becoming acquainted with the taboo on talking about sex. No matter how open the conversation may be at home, or among peers, every child discovers sooner or later that certain everyday sexual words are absolutely forbidden in school, at church, on television and elsewhere.”

Most parents feel uncomfortable giving their children even basic sex education. Many children come of age without knowing the correct names for human genital organs, for example. We’re so ambivalent about sex that, in a society that supposedly values intelligence and self-awareness, almost every female will reach adulthood without knowing the name of her erotic pleasure center, the clitoris. 

In a similar vein, most teenaged boys masturbate regularly yet hear not a word from their parents about this crucially important sexual behavior. Most parents I have known would rather commit hara kiri than openly discussing masturbatory pleasure with their children.

Our schools teach our children how to paint, make music, play sports, and learn about their bodies in countless non-erotic ways, but neglect erotic education. The focus of sex education in our culture, interestingly enough, is almost entirely predicated on avoiding disease and pregnancy. The issue of teaching creative ways to experience pleasure is off the table -- completely unknown. The consequence of all this is that most people reach adulthood profoundly ignorant about sex, especially its pleasure potential. Consider masturbation, a sexual act that risks no sexual disease or unwanted pregnancy. Tens of millions of people in our culture are uncomfortable with it. The most comprehensive survey of U.S. sexual behavior reports that half of the people who masturbate feel guilty about it. The researchers believe this percentage underestimates the actual number of people who feel negative about masturbation because those who are highly uncomfortable with it stop masturbating.

Our behavior with our sexual partners also reflects a sexual ambivalence. The average sexual encounter is quick and often routine. Sexual surveys indicate that though there are unlimited opportunities for sex, “… couples level off at about 1 hour a week, four hours a month, or the equivalent of about six 8-hour days a year.” This is certainly not a picture of much sexual action.

In fact, most of us have a narrow set of sexual practices -- the “lick-em, stick-em, and cum” school of sexual gratification -- a short sequence of erotic acts that varies little from day to day, partner to partner. We seem to fear any form of sexual experimentation or originality. Conversely, we seek out the new in movies, books, travel, fashion, and gadgets but our sexual expression remains bland and repetitive.

You might be thinking that all this doesn’t pertain to you, my reader. I hear it all the time, “Not me, Eddie.” 

Bullshit.

Though sexual fear is widespread, it’s hard to detect because it usually exists alongside positive attitudes towards sex. Only a very few erotophobic individuals see all sex in a negative way. Most of enjoy erotic pleasure in specific contexts. It’s similar to the way some racists deny that their racist attitudes because “some of my best friends are Latino/a.” Most of us cannot see our erotophobia because we are conscious of only our positive sexual feelings. That’s why I’m confronted with a lot of denial, statements such as, “I couldn’t be erotophobic; I’ve had so many lovers, I’ve lost count,” or, “Not me Eddie! How could you say I fear sex, I do it all the time?!!”

Secondly, erotophobia is often learned is through a highly unconscious process. We acquire this fear in much the same way we acquire accent in our speech. In the same way, we absorb erotophobia subliminally in our early years through countless social interactions that are so normal and widespread, we take them for granted. Sure, later adult experiences serve to undo some this irrational fear of sex, but reinforces others. Schools, religion, the media, and the legal system set policies that embed senseless sexual fears in millions of minds, yet we are almost completely ignorant of its effect.

Finally, the last reason why we are not conscious of our own negative attitudes towards sex is that irrational sexual ideas are so deeply entrenched in our culture that they are difficult to recognize as ridiculous. Furthermore, even a suggestion of a culturally sanctioned notion of sex will be attacked irrationally. One good example is the widespread irrational belief that the sight of adult recreational nudity harms children. Such an idea is regularly stated but has no basis in reality -- there’s no empirical basis for such a belief. It’s a delusion that is often expressed, but rarely challenged. In fact it’s immune from rational challenge. This is why few whites in colonial America could recognize that their (assumed) ideas about racial inferiority lacked any sense.

All of this is not accidental. Like the shameful and immoral institution of slavery (and racism), erotophobia happens for a reason. It exists and is passed on because powerful forces drive it and so so in order to socially control the masses.

Yeah, sex is good for you… what a concept.

My name is Eddie and I’m in recovery from civilization…

Sunday Sermon [In the Heart of the Heart of Winter ]

Hola Everybody...
We’re caught in the grip of winter, here in El Norte, The Land of the Snow... 

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Winter

In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer.

-- Albert Camus

If you pressed me, I would tell you outright that I absolutely despise winter. I detest the cold, the short days and long nights, the layers of clothing, and the claustrophobia of confined spaces. But if I look deeper, I also know that there’s much to appreciate about winter: I love the changing of the seasons and how they mark the passage of time; the coziness of a cold Christmas morning (a barbeque in Christmas?!?! No way!!!); the excuse of not going anywhere because -- “Dayum! -- it's cold outside!” I like the fact that winter allows you to get dressed to the nines when you do go out to socialize. There is a fresh, cutting newness to the air and the time spent inside can lead to much-needed physical and spiritual refueling.

I find that people who live in temperate zones -- where there is a winter, think faster, and enunciate more clearly than their southern peers. Heck, you have to think fast -- it’s a matter of life and death! Okay, okay, I’ll admit to a bit of northeastern snobbery, but I am just having fun and I think you get my drift. Yeah, there is much to appreciate in winter. 

Winter also allows one to become more introspective, to reserve energy, and look within. Sometimes the seasons mirror the emotions we grapple with: we suddenly see or sense conflicting emotions within ourselves. The cold of winter presses in on us and we may feel tested by its sharp bite.

Yet, when we think we cannot bear a moment longer, we find a force within, an inner reassurance that comes like a summer breeze and says we do what we must. Perhaps it comes in a moment of despair, and then the realization we have made it this far -- that we are strong. In our deepest sadness about the loss of a love, we may find a more meaningful relationship with something more powerful -- with ourselves, for example, or a “Higher Power.”

The winters of our lives may tempt us to curse the cold and darkness. Similarly, the conflicts in our lives may tempt us to struggle with them. One side may be very clear and obvious while the other is nebulous and hidden. When we are open, these extremes become equal teachers for us. As we think about the seasons and our feelings today, what opposites do we find? Whatever the answers (or, more importantly, the questions), perhaps today we can remember that we have an invincible summer at the deepest part of the winter in our lives.

My name is Eddie and I’m in recovery from civilization…

The Friday Sex Blog (Fantasies, pt. I)

Hola Everybody…

A few years ago I got the following in a text message from a psycho-ex "internet fiancé":

9,000 people are fucking right now, 2,000 are kissing, 1,000 are getting head, and one lonely fucker is reading text messages. You hang in there sunshine… ”

LMAO!

Well, yours truly is going to fix that shit this weekend...

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Fantasy

“Repression is not morality.”

The brain, my dear horny friends, is the largest sex organ, and intelligence equates to sexual prowess, then imma bad ma’fucca! I’m kidding!

While you may be aware of the brain’s vital role our sexual lives, it may never have occurred to you that it’s also an incredibly resourceful sex toy. Today, I’m going to write about fantasy, but it will have to be cut up in two parts. This topic is much too rich and profound to attempt to tackle in a one-page, single-line MS Word document. In fact, one could fill a library with books written on this topic. Therefore, I’m not going to do that, but I will offer a (very) brief overview because it’s so important for our sexual awareness/ liberation.

First: you people are some sick muthafuckas! I’ve been inside your heads and you all have some of the sickest, dirtiest, nastiest fantasies. 

Yeah you! LOL

But I’m not going to get into the content of sexual fantasies this go-round (that’s be for next part). Today, I’m going to attempt some clarification, however briefly, and then I’m headed to some sex play this weekend.

As I stated before, the brain is the most fascinating, most versatile sex toy you own. While it is a fact that without the brain responding to stimuli and sending messages to the rest of the body, you would have as much sexual feeling as a piece of wood, it is also within the brain’s capacity to gather a vast supply of erotic material. These are known as fantasies. It is your fantasies that make the brain such a powerful sex toy, since fantasies can be revisited an endless number of times for sexual pleasure. Here’s one of my faves: 

I’m a teacher and a remarkably sexy female student sits in the front row. She’s wearing a very short skirt and when she sits down, I notice she’s not wearing any underwear. We make eye contact and I realize, to my surprise, that’s she’s smiling at me.

At the end of class, she approaches me and tells me she’s having problems with some class material, could she set an appointment to see me. I invite her to stay after class and no sooner that all the students file out, she turns around and bends over to pick up a sheet of paper… ”

You get the rest of idea. Now, if you now me, you know Eddie’s gonna fuck her in the ass smoothly and lovingly!

Some may say this is corrupt. I would disagree. On the contrary, most mentally unbalanced individuals do not have a rich sexual fantasy life. Case histories of most sexually motivated serial killers, for example, show they are tortured by their fantasies. They spend an enormous amount of psychological energy repressing their fantasies. 

The fact is that most of our sexual fantasies are things we would never do. For example, I would never have sex with an under-age adolescent girl, but it is a fantasy and it doesn’t mean I would act out on that fantasy. In fact, there is evidence showing that fantasies help relieve our frustrations and anxieties, and in cognitive terms, if I take my fantasy about the aforementioned female student to its logical conclusion, it allows me to cognitively grasp its inappropriateness. In cognitive psychology, for example, one method of taking apart false beliefs is by helping the client take those often self-defeating and erroneous beliefs to their conclusions.

Simply put, sexual fantasies are illusions or daydreams people have about specific experiences. Part of the power of sexual fantasies may come from guilt (taboo) or fear (such as in the fear of getting caught sexing in public). Many fantasies have their root in childhood development and continue to be primary sources of pleasure throughout life. Other individuals change fantasies regularly. I would submit that there is a connection between actual sexual experimentation and the ability to create new fantasies.

Being over powered by a sex partner is one of the most popular sexual fantasies. In my limited experience, I have met many women who have a deep attraction to abduction or rape fantasies and like to be “taken.” Right up there with being over powered is the fantasy of having sex with a stranger. In fact, at least to research I have encountered on the subject, I would say sex with a stranger is probably tops. There is this powerful human attraction of sex with a stranger -- The Other. This is reflected in our culture when we fantasize about having sex with movie stars or performers. These are people we wouldn’t know from a hole in the wall (pun intended), and yet we entertain in some case elaborate sexual fantasies about these individuals (Halle Berry!).

As I stated before, certain fantasies evoke situations most people would not want to experience in real life. These fantasies are specifically designed to increase adrenaline and excitement levels to the point of being able to orgasm without the help of a partner. Believe me, in my mind, I have fucked that school tramp a million times. LOL! Just so you know, some of the fantasies of quite normal people can be quite sadistic and violent sadistic fantasies might serve the function of relieving stress and aggression more than sexual tension. If you feel guilty because you consider your fantasies sick or violent, you should read the case histories of otherwise tame and harmless individuals. In fact, you people are sick

But that’s for the next post…

My name is Eddie and I'm in recovery from civilization... 

PS: Sex is good for you.