Sunday Sermon [Stopping the War]

Hola mi gente,
First, I want to give a big shout and loud ¡WEPA! to fellow Puerto Rican and tennis slayer, MonicaPuig, for winning our beloved (and besieged) Island its first Olympic gold medal. If you’re wondering why Puerto Rico has its own team, consider that Puerto Rico is a colony (not “commonwealth” or “freely associated state”) of the United States. Basically, Puerto Rico has its own Olympic team because the International Olympic Committee has recognized the island's National Olympic Committee. The Olympic Charter explains that “the expression 'country' means an independent State recognized by the international community,” and the IOC recognized Puerto Rico as such an entity in 1948. And I’ll add that if you are ignorant of Puerto Rico and its history, there’s a (not so noble) reason for that.

On another, wholly unrelated, point, we unearth the following gem from our Only in New York files:

Most NYC subway riders are pretty nonchalant when panhandlers hit them up for cash between stations. Man, sometimes it’s like a show where contestant after contestant makes a plea for money. Some are weird, some are hilarious, many are bothersome, and some are tragic. Like the pregnant woman I saw the other day who pleaded, “I’m hungry and I have no place to go. Please, please, pleeeease help me!” And she was high.

So, when I was riding the train and I hear a panhandler announce he was collecting funds to build a time machine, I, along with some of my fellow riders, laughed. But then at the next stop a man who looked just like the first man, boarded the train and announced he was the inventor’s future self. He implored us not to give any money because “time travel will ruin everything.” Hilarious! Here’s a video:

And speaking of subways… 

Stopping the War

You can’t win a war anymore than you can win an earthquake.
 -- Jeanette Rankin

It’s been brutally hot here in the Center of the Known universe. The heat index outside yesterday felt like 115 degrees! The temperature in the bowels of New York -- the subway -- is probably more than 10 to 15 degrees hotter. So imagine that? Imagine then, that you board a train and its air conditioning is not working. Such was the situation for me this past Friday as I boarded the downtown no. 6 train. Needless to say, life in the Big City can be very challenging and stressful.

No sooner that I enter the subway when a man pushes up behind me and practically tramples me. Not only that, he’s yelling in my ear for those he’s with to “Come on! Here!” Then he pushes me again as three women, two with baby carriages, pile on into the car. To make matters worse, the women with the baby carriages decide to congregate by the doors and that adds to the increasing tension in my body. I see this as inconsiderate and unruly -- “ghetto.” Needless to say, I’m becoming pissed, so I turn around and this guy and I lock eyes. I see that he’s preparing himself for me to get confrontational, to say something, perhaps yell at him, “What the fuck is wrong with you,” or something like that. His eyes are wide in anticipation and he’s getting ready to respond with perhaps a “Fuck you, motherfucker,” or some such New Yorkism. 

And that’s exactly what I was going to do. I’ve had a really bad week. Yesterday I was informed that I would be suspended without pay from my job and will most likely be fired, I still need to find a place to stay as my welcome at my sister’s has (rightfully) worn out and it’s hot and… well, you get my drift -- the shit has gotten hectic. So yeah, I was ready to get into it, let him have a piece of my mind and I didn’t really give a fuck about the possible consequences. But something strange happens when I lock eyes with this man. I become conscious of the tension and contraction in my body and make an effort to relax and breathe, and instead of yelling at him, I say:

 - “Disculpame” (excuse me).

At that point, taken completely by surprise, the guy checks himself and after a pause he says:

 - “Naw man, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to push you.”

I say:

 - “It’s Okay brother, no problem.”

We look at each other and nod our heads.

This gives me the time to assess his situation. He’s with several women, two of which have strollers with kids wailing in the heat, and there at least three other children in tow. He looks exasperated, having to guide the whole contingent while trying to maintain his own sanity in this sweltering heat. I take all this in and I get a different picture of this fellow human being. He’s going through his own tribulations and perhaps he’s not just an asshole -- he’s having a difficult moment. Perhaps he’s at the end of tether. As I take in this insight, I feel gratitude for not escalating the situation. I probably will never see this man again, but for the short moment we made contact, we were able to create serenity instead of insanity. The reverberations of our interaction were skillful.

The next stop is mine and the guy looks at me and asks:

“Is this your stop?”

I nod my head yes and he starts barking comically at his contingent to get out of the way and make room for me. As I step off we nod at each other again, perhaps in recognition of what just happened. 

And just like that we create the world we want to live in. Sure, I was in the right. He was being inconsiderate (in my estimation) for stepping on me and pushing me. But what good is being right if I use that to create self-righteous indignation? What do I win? What good is right if it leads to so much wrong? Sometimes we have to let go. Sometimes we have to choose to stop the war -- this interminable argument with life.

My name is Eddie and I'm in recovery from civilization...

Relationship Thursdays [Relationship, Honesty, Trust]

¡Hola! Everybody…
You Will Know, by Stevie Wonder, is probably one his less-known compositions, but it has to be one of his best…

* * *

-=[ Honesty, Trust, and Relationships ]=-

You will know
Troubled heart you'll know
Problems have solutions
Trust and I will show.
-- Steveland Wonder

I post these “Relationship Thursdays” rants with not a little trepidation because it would seem that I’m attempting to project this aura of a “relationship guru” and I am far from that. I don’t even own a fuckin' cat. And, trust me, I will fuckin’ drive you crazy in a heartbeat. I am insecure and possess little impulse control. I’m 56 chronologically, but 16 in everything else. I say shit I have no business saying. Like, out of nowhere I’ll say, “Damn, I’m fuckin horny today,” and you’ll be, like, “By the way, Eddie, meet my grandmother.” LOL!

I am stubborn, moody, and, hard as it is to admit, sometimes I can be downright mean. In addition, I have little regard for rules, often cross boundaries, and suffer from what I call “Relationship Tourrettes”: that embarrassing tendency to do and say things that often bring regret.

Yup. I’m a prize, ladies, so line up!

I guess what motivates me most on going on about relationships is that I see so much wrong done in the name of love and relationships. Plus, I get more page hits when people see “relationships” tags. LOL

I would have to add in my defense, I do have a few worthwhile qualities. Not many, just a few. Life with me, for example, would be one of discovery and you will definitely experience a lot of intellectual and creative stimulation (or so I’ve been told). I like to think I’m a considerate, passionate, and experienced lover. I will make you laugh a lot, and sometimes you will feel as if you’re the only woman in the world when you’re around me amd there will never be a dull moment (that's a good and bad thing!). While all that might sound good, the only thing I can say with complete confidence is that I am honest. I’m not talking about the “Gee, honey, your ass is too big” honest. That really isn’t honesty, it’s sadism. A woman pointed out to me once that there’s a difference between being honest and honesty and I have to agree. The honesty I try to exemplify is about me being as transparent as possible. It’s not honesty about you or someone else -- externalized honesty. I don’t know if you have noticed but being “honest” about other people is a lot easier than being honest about yourself, isn’t it? No, I’m talking about honesty that engenders trust and for me trust is everything. In terms of relationships, nothing is more important than trust.

Nothing -- not love, nor “attraction,” nor any of that other bullshit. Trust is all.

That’s it. That’s my one card, that I am trustworthy -- I can be trusted and I develop that trust through my actions, my life’s direction, and the consistency between what I say and what I do. To me it’s interesting that quite a few women I meet would probably rather I be “normal” (i.e., not be clingy, immature, or psychotic *grin*) than trustworthy or honest. Sure, many blah blah blah about trust and honesty, but that’s just talk. Very few people even know what trust is. From my perspective, most people tend to see trust from a selfish perspective. They have no clue what a genuine trusting relationship entails.

I’m not making a judgment call here; I’m stating an observation.

For a few years not too long ago, I had the good fortune to share office space with a remarkable woman. She was married, but she and I developed a unique and close friendship. And what was really cool was that her husband actually supported our friendship. She was an avid mountain climber and I used to think that shit was crazy. One day, after months of cajoling, she finally convinced to accompany her on a climbing trip. I had no intention of climbing, but being a city boy, I thought it would be a nice change of pace to go into the country for a weekend.

Of course, she convinced me to scale this fuckin’ wall and it was an exhilarating experience. I think rock or mountain climbing is an appropriate metaphor for relationships. I had to trust in her knowledge and ability and she had to trust that I wouldn’t shit in my pants, panic, and cause us both to fall. In the same way, intimacy is an adventure in which two individuals work to bring together their needs, goals, and desires and to maintain the balance needed to keep the relationship intact.

I’ll abuse the metaphor even further and state that as the relationship deepens in involvement -- as the climbers go higher up -- the risk associated with depending on another increases. At first, the level of interdependence is more casual but becomes more intense the stakes higher. In addition, it becomes clear that the efforts of one partner alone cannot achieve the balance needed to maintain the relationship. A solo climber is often a foolish or dead climber, and if either partner loses their grip both will plunge to the depths beneath.

My analogy highlights the important elements in understanding the relationship between trust and risk. Trust is not for pussies. It's not some bullshit fairy tale, ladies. Every day we make decisions in our relationships: decisions to commit further or to withdraw, or what course of action to take (or not take) in the face of a conflict, or to make use of an opportunity or to let it pass by.

Oftentimes, these decisions are difficult and full of risk, in the process forcing us to confront our primal fears and hopes when it comes to depending on another for our needs to be met. In the same way that mutual trust enables climbers to conquer the mountain, it provides the crucial foundation from which relationship partners can confidently approach the task of making decisions. This provides the explicit contract of commitment to good intentions that makes everything else run more smoothly.

During one difficult moment, a woman once asked me, “What can I do to make this better for you?” That blew me away. (No, I didn’t say, “Gimme that ass!” Get your mind out the gutter! LOL) In that moment, all my anxieties about the situation (and the relationship) and the decisions I was contemplating disappeared. Her question communicated to me in a very honest and direct manner that she was there with me and that she was willing to move the relationship forward. Unfortunately, that relationship was stillborn -- it never worked out because I felt the values she expressed weren’t in line with her actions, but it was still a powerful thing to say -- a powerful lesson.

This brings me to matter of how to build trust in a relationship. I’ve already mentioned one: responsiveness. When that former lover expressed her willingness, she was also expressing a responsiveness, acknowledging and being respectful of my disposition. In other words, feelings of security are strengthened when a partner’s actions are geared toward a person’s particular needs. For example, when that woman asked me what she could do to make a situation better, it signaled to me a special consideration of my needs and preferences. Sometimes by choosing to put aside for a moment, his or her own preferences in order to satisfy those of the other, a partner demonstrates genuine care about the person and is fundamentally motivated in the relationship.

There are other factors in building trust in relationships, of course. There’s dependability, which is the most fundamental way of establishing trustworthiness. Dependability is like showing up (fully present) consistently. A trustworthy partner is one on whom you can depend, who can be relied upon time and time again, to act honestly and with consideration.

There’s also the all-important capacity to resolve conflict in a manner that doesn’t neglect a person’s needs or jeopardize the relationship. Most of all this entails allowing everything to be on the table -- the good parts and the bad and, not necessarily condoning, but accepting our "bad" aspects as well as our good. Too many people are addicted to being "positive" whatever the fuck that means, and that's a bullshit fairy tale. Life is more than the nice shit. And if you can't deal with the bad shit, then get yourself a fuckin cat! LOL If you can feel that it is safe to be you -- the good and the bad -- then there's trust, or at least the ground upon which trust can be built.

If there is a sense of confidence in the couple’s ability to resolve conflict, the trust grows. I think that the belief that it is safe to depend on the integrity and compassion on the other’s motives is essential to conflict resolution. If I’m not questioning your motives, if I have taken hold of the rope trusting that you’re there for me, trusting implicitly, then there’s that transparency that allows the light of shared love to shine through us with as that becomes our unshakable bond. If we have that, we can conquer the world, let alone our conflicts.

Finally, there is faith. Faith in this sense means a sense of closure with a lot of emotion in it: there is a sense of closure regarding the partner’s trustworthiness and the future of the relationship. Faith in this sense is connected to an individual’s view of the partner of that takes in the good with the bad. That is the extent to which a partner can come to terms with a partner’s faults.

I guess women need a lot of “faith” when it comes to yours truly. LOL!

My Name is Eddie and I’m in recovery from civilization…

Monday Madness [Penis Holding / Conflict Resolution]

¡Hola! Everybody…
I’m going out to a couple of museums today. It’s raining, so the beach is out as is Six Flags. But if the weather allows, I’ll be at Six Flags tomorrow. I’m on vacation, biatches! LOL

* * *

-=[ Penis/ Labia Holding and Conflict Resolution ]=-

OK! I know I should leave well enough alone, but I can’t! LOL!

In light of the Rippa/ Cosmic “reconciliation” I propose the following (taken from one of my blogs, which was taken from somewhere else, I forget):

Among the Walbiri and Aranda people, when different communities get together or when grievances need to be settled, the men participate in what is known as touch-penis, penis-holding, or penis-offering rite. Each man presents his semi erect penis to all the others, pressing it into each man’s palm and drawing it along the length of the upturned hand.

By offering and grasping each other’s penis -- said to represent “paying with one’s life” – the men make a vow of support and fellowship between them, or solidify whatever agreement they have reached during the settling of the dispute.

I dunno, but it would be pretty hard to fight someone after you’ve held their dick in your hands! LMAO! Can you imagine me, Stiffy, Rip, Mo, Neddy, and Cosmic standing in a circle holding each other’s pricks?!!

And what if you renege on the settlement?

What then?

Can just hear Rippa tell Cosmic, “Tony, after you held my prick in your hands, how could you do something like that?!!”

I propose that women should have a similar ritual. Perhaps all the women with beef (pun intended) on 360 and The 'Ply should all stand in a circle and grab on to each other’s labia! Of maybe they can stand in a circle, stick their fingers in the hole, and make a vow of cooperation and support!

In fact, I pronounce today “Conflict Resolution Day” and will willingly hold any woman's labia in my hand if she'll hold my penis!

LMPRAOOO!

Love,

Eddie

Relationship Thursdays [Honesty and Trust in Relationships]

¡Hola! Everybody,
My blast song (on 360), You Will Know, by Stevie Wonder, is probably one his less-known compositions, but it has to be one of his best…

* * *

-=[ Honesty, Trust, and Relationships ]=-

“You will know
Troubled heart you’ll know
Problems have solutions
Trust and I will show”
-- Steveland Wonder

I was considering dropping the “Relationship Thursdays” because in looking back, it would seem that I’m projecting this aura of a “relationship guru” and I am far from that. Trust me, I will fuckin’ drive you crazy in a heartbeat. I am insecure, possess little impulse control, stubborn, moody, and sometimes I can be downright mean. In addition, I break rules, often cross boundaries, and suffer from what I call “Relationship Tourrettes”: that embarrassing tendency to do and say things that I later regret.

Yup. I’m a prize, ladies, so line up! LOL!

I guess I post on relationships because I see so much wrong going on in the world in the name of love and relationships. Plus, my page hits get increase on Thursdays (and Fridays! LOL!).

I would have to add in my defense, I do have a few worthwhile qualities. Not many, just a few. Life with me would be one of discovery and you will definitely experience a lot of intellectual stimulation. I like to think I’m a considerate, passionate, and experienced lover. I will make you laugh a lot, and sometimes you will feel as if you’re the only woman in the world when you’re around me. While all that might sound good, the only thing I can say with complete confidence is that I am honest. I’m not talking about the “Gee, honey, your ass is too big” honest. That really isn’t honesty, it’s sadism. A woman pointed out to me once that there’s a difference between being honest and honesty and I have to agree. The honesty I try to live is about me being as transparent as possible. I’m talking about honesty that engenders trust and for me trust is everything. In terms of relationships, nothing is more important than trust.

Nothing – not love, nor “attraction,” nor any of that other bullshit. Trust is all.

That’s my one card, that I am trustworthy – I can be trusted and I develop that trust through my actions, my life’s direction, and the consistency between what I say and what I do. To me it’s interesting that many women would rather I be “normal” (i.e., not be clingy or psychotic *grin*) than trustworthy or honest. Sure, many women blah blah blah about trust and honesty, but that’s just talk. Very few people even know what trust is. For the most part, the women I have known see trust in a selfish light. They have no clue what a genuine trusting relationship entails.

I’m not making a judgment call here; I’m stating an observation.

A few years ago, I shared office space with this wonderful woman. She was married, but she and I developed a unique and close friendship. And what was really cool was that her husband actually supported our friendship. She was an avid mountain climber and I used to think that shit was crazy. One day, she convinced to accompany her on a trip. I had no intention of rock climbing, being a city boy, I thought it would be a nice change to go into the country for a weekend.

Of course, she convinced me scale this fuckin’ wall and it was an exhilarating experience! I think rock or mountain climbing is an apt metaphor for relationship. I had to trust in her knowledge and ability and she had to trust that I wouldn’t shit in my pants, panic, and cause us both to fall. In the same way, becoming intimately involved with another is an adventure in which two individuals work to bring together their needs, goals, and desires and to maintain the balance needed to keep the relationship intact.

I’ll stretch the analogy even further and state that as the relationship deepens in involvement – as the climbers go higher up – the risk associated with depending on another increases. At first, the level of interdependence becomes more intense and the stakes to be lost increase. In addition, it become clear that the efforts of neither partner alone can achieve the balance needed to maintain the relationship. A solo climber is a foolish or dead climber, and either partner loses their grip both will plunge to the floor beneath.

My analogy highlights the important elements in understanding the relationship between trust and risk. Everyday we make decisions in our relationships: decisions to commit further or withdraw, what course of action to take in the face of a conflict, to make use of an opportunity or to let it pass by.

Oftentimes, these decisions are difficult and full of risk, in the process forcing us to face our fears and hopes when it comes to depending on another for our needs to be met. In the same way that mutual trust enables climbers to conquer the mountain, it provides the crucial foundation from which relationship partners can confidently approach the task of making decisions. This provides the explicit contract of commitment to good intentions that makes everything else run smoothly.

A woman once asked me, “What can I do to make this better for you?” It blew me away. All my anxieties about the relationship and the decisions I was contemplating disappeared. Her question told me explicitly that she was there with me and that she was willing to move the relationship forward. Unfortunately, that relationship was stillborn – it never worked out because I felt the values she expressed weren’t in line with her actions, but it was still a powerful thing to say.

This brings me to matter of how to build trust in a relationship. I’ve mentioned one when I related the story of the woman’s question me: responsiveness. Responsiveness is acknowledging a partner’s disposition. In other words, feelings of security are strengthened when a partner’s actions are geared toward a person’s particular needs. For example, when that woman asked me what she could do to make it better, it signaled to me a special consideration of my needs and preferences. Sometimes by choosing to put aside his or her own preferences in order to satisfy those of the other, a partner demonstrates genuine care about the person and is fundamentally motivated in the relationship.

There are other factors in building trust in relationships, of course. There’s dependability, which is the most fundamental way in establishing trustworthiness. A trustworthy partner is one on whom you can depend, who can be relied upon time and time again, to act honestly and with consideration.

There’s also the all-important capacity to resolve conflict in a manner that doesn’t neglect a person’s needs or jeopardize the relationship. If there is a sense of confidence in the couple’s ability to resolve conflict, the trust grows. I think that the belief that it is safe to depend on the integrity and compassion on the other’s motives is essential to conflict resolution. If I have that, we can conquer the world, let alone our conflicts.

Finally, there is faith. Faith in this sense means a sense of closure with a lot of emotion in it: there is a sense of closure regarding the partner’s trustworthiness and the future of the relationship. Faith in this sense is connected to an individual’s view of the partner of that takes in the good with the bad. That is the extent to which a partner can come to terms with a partner’s faults.

I guess women need a lot of “faith” when it comes to yours truly. LOL!

Love,

Eddie