The Rapture

Hola Everybody,
Seems like the rapture is upon us proving that conservatives were right all along. Now, don’t you feel like an idiot for not purchasing this RaptureSurvival Backpack© ($149.95 plus shipping & handling)? Ha! 

Jesus is Gonna Kick yo Ass

Quick! Look busy -- Jesus is coming.

Every once in a while (in the U.S. that means every day) a religious nut predicts the end times are upon us. Google “rapture” if you want the details. If you’re too lazy, I’ll explain … 

Pretend you’re a big time Hollywood executive and I tried to pitch you the following story:

“Okay, let me start with some context. It’s the 21^st century, but millions of people still believe in this invisible Super Ghost who lives somewhere way, way up in the sky somewhere. You see, he created everything, sees everything, knows everything, and knows everything that had ever happened or will happen. Think: a huge security camera in the sky.

The people who believe in him think of him as a magic helper who protects, punishes, and watches over them. It’s a take on the Santa Claus thingee: He sees you when you’re sleeping, He knows when you’re awake (and engaged in revolutionary activities), and so on.

Yet even though this ghost has, like, all the superpowers of all the superheroes rolled into one, he’s in actuality very insecure. He demands that you follow and pay tribute to him or else you get an eternity burning in a non-stop, super-duper fire, boiling in lava-like shit and being constantly stabbed by devils with pitchforks. Oh yeah! I almost forgot, two thousand years ago he sent his only son (which he conceived by fucking a married virgin) to earth in order to redeem humanity from their wickedness by getting him nailed to a cross (that whole Gospel According to Mel Gibson treatment).

Now, bear with me because this is where the story gets interesting: after two thousand years of watching humanity slaughter itself, getting really fucked up, and having wild orgies, and basically just slacking off, The Son plans to return to earth from outer space. But before he does, he’s going to beam up to Heaven all those people who have continued to have faith in him. Yup, levitate them right out of their clothes, wherever they are -- on an airplane, asleep, having sex, on the toilet, and (get this!) from the freaking grave! That’s right, corpses and cadavers blasting out of the ground! Think: Saw meets Night of the Living Dead, with some touches of Superman and Terminator thrown in.

Meanwhile, the people left behind are freaking out. I mean, imagine you’re on an airplane to Puerto Rico and suddenly the pilot fuckin’ disappears! Flies right by your window!

Dang!

Then you look and you see hundreds of naked people whooshing by (of course, we’ll make them up to be gorgeous-size zero-big-breasted-no ass-having-blonde-white-babes and maybe throw in an old dude just for laughs). And then the plane just nose dives, crashes smack into the side of a mountain. Families are broken up and companies have to close because, like, the entire sales department just flew through the AC vents out the window!

Meanwhile, the people left behind are in a mass panic and MSNBC-CNN-FOX is blaming it on the Muslims and the liberals. The president is pissed because he thinks it’s some secret pentagon weapon he wasn’t informed about. Cut to a religious secretary as she tells him, ‘Mr. President, it’s the Rapture.’ Since he’s secretly a Nigerian postcolonial Socialist Islamofascist, he’s never heard of the Rapture. The secret service sweeps him away to an undisclosed location where they fill him in on the details.

And this is just the first seven minutes! In the rest of the movie, the people left behind are going to suffer a seven-year nightmare of wars, plagues, attacks from supernatural creatures, asteroid collisions, and rivers of blood… ”

Would you buy a pitch like that? Well, considering the really inferior crap that gets produced these days, maybe a studio would produce such a story. Wait… you mean they made that movie?! Damn! LOL

Seriously, if I insisted that I actually believed the story to be true, most of you would have probably called security and have me kicked to the curb or shot by the cops, right? Right? Right?

As many as a hundred million Americans admit that they believe in this story, which is known as the Rapture, a scene lifted out of the last book of the Bible. Yeah, that part, the crazy, hallucinogenic part. The part with the Apocalypse and its Four Horsemen, the Whore of Babylon, a seven-headed dragon, and crap that looks straight out of a badly crafted segment of Lord of the Rings.

It’s hey-Zeus (!) on steroids come back to kick some major Muslim (and Jewish, Atheist, and Wiccan, and… etc.) ass!

If you’re a Christian and never heard of the Rapture, then shame on you, you didn’t read the Bible all the way through to the end. In any case, this book isn’t for believers of the rapture. It’s for you, Heathen! Unbeliever! Doubter! Satanist! Secular Humanist Socialist liberal! If you're curious about what 100 million people find so compelling about the Rapture, then this book will do the trick. If, on the other hand, you’re the kind of person who values reason rather than myth, then this book will literally make you laugh your ass off.

Quick! Look Busy!

My name is Eddie and I’m in recovery from civilization…

Jesus is Gonna Kick Yo' Ass!

¡Hola! Everybody…
Seems like the rapture is upon us proving Glenn Beck was right all along. Now, don’t you feel like an idiot for not purchasing his Rapture Survival Backpack^© ($149.95 plus shipping and handling)? Ha!!(h/t Lionel)

* * *

-=[ The Rapture ]=-

Quick! Look busy -- Jesus is coming!

Apparently, a certain religious nut from California has predicted the end times begin tonight. I refuse to give him any more publicity than he has already garnered, so Google “rapture” if you want the details. If you’re too lazy, I’ll explain about the rapture…

Pretend you’re a big time Hollywood executive I tried to pitch you this story:

“Okay, let me start with some context. It’s the 21^st century, but millions of people still believe in this invisible Super Ghost who lives somewhere way, way up in the sky somewhere. You see, he created everything, sees everything, knows everything, and knows everything that had ever happened or will happen. Something like a huge security camera in the sky.

The people who believe in him think of him as a magic helper who protects, punishes, and watches over them. It’s a take on the Santa Claus thingee: He sees you when you’re sleeping, He knows when you’re awake (and engaged in socialist activities), and so on.

Yet even though this ghost has, like, all the superpowers of all the superheroes rolled into one, he’s in actuality very insecure. He demands that you follow him or else you get an eternity burning in a non-stop, super-duper fire, boiling in lava-like shit and being constantly stabbed by devils with pitchforks. Oh yeah! I almost forgot, two thousand years ago he sent his only son (which he conceived by fucking a married virgin) to earth in order to redeem humanity from their wickedness by getting him nailed to a cross and, you know, that whole Gospel According to Mel Gibson treatment.

Now, bear with me because this is where the story gets interesting: after two thousand years of watching humanity slaughter itself, getting really fucked up, and having wild orgies, and basically just slacking off, The Son plans to return to earth from outer space. But before he does, he’s going to beam up to Heaven all those people who have continued to have faith in him, yup, levitate them right out of their clothes, wherever they are -- on an airplane, asleep, having sex, on the toilet, and (get this!) in the freaking grave! Yup, corpses and cadavers blasting out of the ground! Think: Saw meets Night of the Living Dead, with some touches of Superman and Terminator thrown in.

Meanwhile, the people left behind are freaking out. I mean, imagine you’re on an airplane to Puerto Rico and suddenly the pilot fuckin’ disappears! Flies right by your window!

Dang!

Then you look and you see hundreds of naked people whooshing by (of course, we’ll make them up to be gorgeous, size zero, big-breasted, no ass-having blonde white babes and maybe throw in an old dude just for laughs). And then the plane just nose dives, crashes smack into the side of a mountain. Families are broken up and companies have to close because, like, the entire sales department just flew through the AC vents out the window!

Meanwhile, the people left behind are in a mass panic and MSBNCNNFOX is blaming it on the Muslims and the liberals. The president is pissed because he thinks it’s some secret pentagon weapon he wasn’t informed about. Cut to a religious secretary as she tells him, ‘Mr. President, it’s the Rapture.’ Since he’s secretly a Nigerian postcolonial Socialist Islamofascist, he’s never heard of the Rapture. The secret service sweeps him away to an undisclosed location where they fill him in on the details.

And this is just the first seven minutes! In the rest of the movie, the people left behind are going to suffer a seven-year nightmare of wars, plagues, attacks from supernatural creatures, asteroid collisions, and rivers of blood… ”

Would you buy a pitch like that? Well, considering the really inferior crap that gets produced these days, maybe a studio would produce such a story. But if I insisted that I actually believed the story to be true, most of you would have probably called security and have me kicked to the curb, right? Right? Right?I

As many as a hundred million Americans believe in this story, which is known as the Rapture, a scene lifted out of the last book of the Bible. Yeah, that part, the crazy, hallucinogenic part. The part with the Apocalypse and its Four Horsemen, the Whore of Babylon, a seven-headed dragon, and crap that looks straight out of a badly crafted segment of Lord of the Rings.

It’s hey-Zeus (!) on steroids come back to kick some major Muslim (and Jewish, and Pagan, and Wiccan, and… etc.) ass!

If you’re a Christian and never heard of the Rapture, then shame on you, you didn’t read the Bible all the way through to the end. In any case, this book isn’t for believers of the rapture. It’s for you, Heathen! Unbeliever! Doubter! Satanist! Secular Humanist Socialist liberal! If you're curious about what 100 million people find so compelling about the Rapture, then this book will do the trick. If, on the other hand, you’re the kind of person who values reason rather than myth, then this book will literally make you laugh your ass off.

Quick! Look Busy!

My name is Eddie and I’m in recovery from civilization…

Sunday Sermon [The Revelation Will Not be Televised}

¡Hola! Everybody…
In case you didn’t get the memo from the Beckerheads and Palinites, the apocalypse has returned (again) and the first people to get hit are the Japs for having the nerve of not blindly worshiping a high-in-the-sky, hyper-masculine, jealous God.

* * *

-=[ The Rapture ]=-

Quick! Look busy -- Jesus is coming!

Pretend you’re a big time Hollywood executive I tried to sell you this story:

“Okay, let me start with some context. It’s the 21^st century, but millions of people still believe in this invisible Super Ghost who lives somewhere way, way up in the sky somewhere. You see, he created everything, sees everything, knows everything, and knows everything that had ever happened or will happen. Something like a huge security camera in the sky.

The people who believe in him think of him as a magic helper who protects and watches over them. It’s a take on the Santa Claus thingee: He sees you when you’re sleeping, He knows when you’re awake (and engaged in socialist activities), and so on.

Yet even though this ghost has, like, all the superpowers of all the superheroes rolled into one, he’s in actuality very insecure. He demands that you follow him or else you get an eternity burning in a non-stop, super-duper fire, boiling in lava-like shit and being constantly stabbed by devils with pitchforks. Oh yeah! I almost forgot, two thousand years ago he sent his only son (which he conceived by fucking a married virgin) back to earth in order to redeem humanity from their wickedness by getting him nailed to a cross and, you know, that whole Gospel According to Mel Gibson treatment.

Now, bear with me because this is where the story gets interesting: after two thousand years of watching humanity slaughter itself, getting really fucked up, and having wild orgies, and basically just slacking off, the Son plans to return to earth from outer space. But before he does, he’s going to beam up to Heaven all those people who have continued to have faith in him, yup, levitate them right out of their clothes, wherever they are -- on an airplane, asleep, having sex, on the toilet, and (get this!) in the freaking grave! Yup, corpses and cadavers blasting out of the ground! Think: Saw meets Night of the Living Dead, with some touches of Superman thrown in.

Meanwhile, the people left behind are freaking out. I mean, imagine you’re on an airplane to Puerto Rico and suddenly the pilot fuckin’ disappears! Flies right by your window!

Dang!

Then you look and you see hundreds of naked people whooshing by (of course, we’ll make them up to be gorgeous, size zero, big-breasted, no ass-having blonde white babes and maybe throw in an old dude just for laughs). And then the plane just nose dives, crashes smack into the side of a mountain. Families are broken up and companies have to close because, like, the entire sales department just flew through the AC vents out the window!

Meanwhile, the people left behind are in a mass panic and MSBNCNNFOX is blaming it on the Muslims and the liberals. The president is pissed because he thinks it’s some secret pentagon weapon he wasn’t informed about. Cut to a religious secretary and she tells him, ‘Mr. President, it’s the Rapture.’ Since he’s secretly a Nigerian postcolonial Socialist Islamofascist, he’s never heard of the Rapture. The secret service sweeps him away to an undisclosed location where they fill him in on the details.

And this is just the first seven minutes! In the rest of the movie, the people left behind are going to suffer a seven-year nightmare of wars, plagues, attacks from supernatural creatures, asteroid collisions, and rivers of blood… ”

Would you buy a pitch like that? Well, considering the really inferior crap that gets produced these days, maybe a studio would produce such a story. But if I insisted that I actually believed the story to be true, most of you would have probably called security and have me kicked to the curb, right? Right?!!

As many as a hundred million Americans believe in this story, which is known as the Rapture, a scene lifted out of the last book of the Bible. Yeah, that part, the crazy, hallucinogenic part. The part with the Apocalypse and its Four Horsemen, the Whore of Babylon, a seven-headed dragon, and crap that looks straight out of a badly crafted segment of Lord of the Rings.

It’s Hey-Zeus (!) on steroids come back to kick some major Muslim (and Jewish, and Pagan, and Wiccan, and… etc.) ass!

If you’re a Christian and never heard of the Rapture, then shame on you, you didn’t read the Bible all the way through to the end. In any case, this book isn’t for believers of the rapture. It’s for you, Heathen! Unbeliever! Doubter! Satanist! Secular Humanist Socialist liberal! If you're curious about what 100 million people find so compelling about the Rapture, then this book will do the trick. If, on the other hand, you’re the kind of person who values reason rather than myth, then this book will literally make you laugh your ass off.

Quick! Look Busy!

My name is Eddie and I’m in recovery from civilization…

Monday Madness: The revelation Will Not be Televised

¡Hola! Everybody...
In view of the unprecedented number of religious whackos running for office this midterm (click here and here for just two examples), I thought re-posting the following apropos...

* * *

Sinner Ines Sainz' sinful backside: blame for grown men to lose minds

-=[ The Revelation Will not be Televised ]=-

Or: Quick! Look busy -- Jesus is coming!

Pretend you’re a big time Hollywood executive and I tried to sell you a story with the following pitch:

“Okay, let me start with some context. It’s the 21^st century, but millions of people believe in this invisible Super Ghost who lives somewhere way, way up in space. You see, he created everything, sees everything, knows everything -- everything that had ever happened or will happen. think: something like a huge security camera in the sky.

“The people who believe in him think of him as a magic helper who protects and watches over them. It’s a take on the Santa Claus thingee -- he sees you when you’re sleeping, he knows when you’re awake, and engaged in terrorist or masturbatory activities and so on.

“Yet even thought this ghost has, like, all the superpowers of all the superheroes rolled into one, he’s in actuality very insecure. He demands that you follow him or else you get an eternity burning in a non-stop, super-duper fire, boiling in lava-like shit and being constantly stabbed by devils with pitchforks. Oh yeah! I almost forgot, two thousand years ago he sent his only son back to earth in order to redeem humanity from their wickedness by getting hung on a cross and, you know, that whole gospel-according-to -Mel-Gibson-let’s-hate-Jews treatment.

“Now, bear with me because this is where the story gets interesting: after two thousand years of watching humanity slaughter itself, getting really fucked up on drugs, and having wild orgies, and basically just slacking off, the son plans to return to earth from outer space. But before he does, he’s going to beam up to Heaven all those people who believed in him, yup, levitate them right out of their clothes, wherever they are -- on an airplane, asleep, having sex, on the toilet, and -- get this! -- in the freaking grave! Yup, corpses and cadavers blasting out of the ground! Think: Saw meets Night of the Living Dead, with some touches of Superman.

“Meanwhile, the people left behind are freaking out. I mean imagine you’re on an airplane to Puerto Rico and suddenly the fuckin’ pilot disappears -- flies right by your window seat! Dang!

“While looking out the window you see hundreds of naked people whooshing by. Of course, we’ll make them up to be fine babes (think: an army of Ines Sainz look-a-likes and maybe throw in an old dude just for laughs). And then the plane just nose-dives, crashes smack into the side of a mountain. Families are broken up and companies have to close because, like, the entire sales department just flew out the window through the AC vents!

“Meanwhile, the people left behind are really freaking out and CNN is blaming it on the Muslims and Fox News is blaming Obama. The president is pissed because he thinks it’s some secret pentagon weapon and he wasn’t informed. Cut to Rahm and he tells him, ‘Muthafucka!, it’s the Rapture.’ The president doesn’t know what the rapture is, they didn’t teach the rapture at his childhood madrassa and the secret service sweeps him away to an undisclosed location where they fill him in on the Rapture.

“And this is just the first seven minutes! In the rest of the movie, the people left behind are going to suffer a seven-year nightmare of wars, plagues, attacks from supernatural creatures, asteroid collisions, and rivers of blood… ”

what would your reaction be? Would you buy a pitch like that? Well, considering the really inferior crap that gets produced (the Rocky and Die Hard franchises come to mind), maybe a studio would produce such a story. But mostly you would have probably called security and have me kicked to the curb, right? Right?!!

As many as a hundred million Americans believe in this story, which is known as the Rapture, a scene lifted out of the last book of the Bible. Yeah, the crazy, hallucinogenic part. The part with the Apocalypse and its Four Horsemen, the Whore of Babylon, a seven-headed dragon, and crap that looks straight out of a badly crafted segment of Lord of the Rings.

It’s Jay-sus (!) on steroids out here to kick some major fuckin ass!

If you’re a Christian and never heard of the Rapture, then shame on you (you didn’t read the Bible all the way to the end!). In any case, this book isn’t for believers of the rapture. It’s for you! Heathen! Unbeliever! Doubter! Satanist! Secular Humanist liberal democrat! If you’re curious about what 100 million people find so compelling about the Rapture, then this book will do the trick. If you’re the kind of person who values reason rather than superstitious thinking, then this book will make you smile smugly.

Quick! Look Busy!

Love,

Eddie

Right Wing-nuts vs. Science

¡Hola! Everybody...
Stupid is as...

LOL!

* * *

-=[ The Right Wing War Against Science ]=-

To be ignorant of one's ignorance is the malady of the ignorant.

-- Amos Bronson Alcott (1799–1888)

The e-mail archives stolen last month from the Climatic Research Unit at the University of East Anglia (UEA), UK, have been greeted by the climate-change-denialist-Tin-Foil-Hat-Brigade as a propaganda windfall. To these quacks, the scientists’ scathing remarks about certain controversial palaeoclimate reconstructions qualify as the proverbial “smoking gun”: proof that mainstream climate researchers have systematically conspired to suppress evidence contradicting their doctrine that humans are warming the globe.

I am blessed with a talented and intelligent son, my only child (as far as I can tell). He is now 25 years-old. I treasure many memories from his childhood. Early on, I sold him on the notion of training to become a “scholar/ warrior.” Basically, I wanted to give him the best education possible. That education included learning in many different disciplines, from art and music, martial arts, poetry, philosophy, the healing arts, and so on. Luckily, for me, he bought my sales pitch, completely.

Today, he is a talented as a musician, as well as having received a degree. He was also born with a natural aptitude for drawing and painting, something we tried to support as soon as we discovered his childhood doodles were actually accurate portraits.

When he was around 8-9 years-old, we all joined a martial arts (Wing Chun) school. There he learned the trick that gave him some expertise in the art of self-defense. Please note that I am deliberately choosing the word trick. Our sufi (instructor) used it often in our martial arts training when guiding him in the trick of mentally registering attacks before they became dangers, aiming his focus ahead, learning to anticipate. I also showed him the trick of avoiding unnecessary confrontation. He once told me that he was especially proud of learning that trick. It helped embolden him and gave him confidence.

I recently posted a link exposing of how quack Climate Crash deniers (Beck, Rush, Drudge, Faux news, etc.) have had some fun with stolen emails. Essentially, the piece showed how these Climate change deniers have taken lines from these emails out of context in an effort to refute decades of scientific research. If you go there, you will find one individual who calls himself “weinerfest” posting outright fabrications.

He stated, for example, that one scientist admitted purposely excluding data from previous warming periods. I then posted the full email showing the scientist never said anything of the sort. There were several more attempts to pass off disinformation and each time, I used either the emails themselves or citations from scientific bodies to show he was posting, at best, falsehoods. I would say he was intentionally lying, but that’s just conjecture (LOL)!) His stance, like the rest of the clowns on the right, is that these emails prove that decades of basic research in climate science has been one elaborate hoax. One such email, out of thousands hacked from a public research university in Norwich, England, has attracted a lot of attention. The line reads thus:

I’ve just completed Mike’s Nature trick of adding in the real temps to each series for the last 20 years (i.e. from 1981 onwards) and from 1961 for Keith’s to hide the decline.

Utilizing “neoconservative logic,” the word “trick” and the word “hide,” you see, prove that all this “research” and “data” about climate is phony and the GOP Clown Car headed by Beck & Co., know better than the scientists! Of course, the fact there is isn’t one scientifically recognized body in the world that disagrees with the scientific consensus that climate change is caused by human activity has no bearing in this “discussion.”

Almost every scientific organization from almost every scientific discipline has issued statements that agree with the scientific consensus. Not one internationally recognized scientific body has refuted the consensus. For those unfamiliar with the scientific method, this is indeed a rare occurrence.

There are some groups, consisting mostly of unpublished scientists, individuals, as well your local weatherman and bodega owner (and possibly Ms. Cleo), that have signed on to a public statement saying they disagree with the scientific consensus, but few have been able to submit a rigorously researched study that can pass academic muster.

In fact, empirical studies show that among scientists that have been published in peer-reviewed journals, the consensus is overwhelming.

Now, back to the word “trick.” Trick is used in the sense of “method” as in... “the trick to blocking a punch... ” “Hide” refers to a well-known (to scientists) anomaly in reconstructing climate after 1960. Tree ring density is reliable before then, but diverges later, due to human-caused environmental reasons unique to the last 50 years. Meaningful graphs omit or hide that part of tree ring based measurement in favor of more scientifically reliable and direct measurements.

Science is based on evidence and re-examination. That is why “cold fusion,” having initially created a excitement, fell so fast. Outright fraud is found very quickly. Ask DNA falsifier Hwang Woo-Suk, who caused a stir in cloning research and was quickly debunked. Scientists love to disprove flawed research. It makes them famous.

It comes from the Scientific Method.

Back to the Tin Foil Hat Brigade. To them, anthropogenic (human-caused) climate change is a hoax. Why? Because of a few emails, taken out of context, shows beyond a shadow of a doubt that there’s been a hoax!

Yeah right...

The impressive thing about this so-called “conspiracy” is that the scientists managed to convince the planet’s glaciers, sea ice, and hydrological cycles to play along.

Deniers from the right, like Weiner, who have waged war on science on many different fronts, should consider the methods of science sometime.

Love,

Eddie

Sunday Sermon [The Revelation Will Not be Televised

Hola Everybody!

I need to make something clear – or clearer. I become very uncomfortable when people call me “evolved” or “intelligent” or "actualized" anything like that. The fact is that I am most definitely not evolved/ actualized/ wise/ at all.

I am just a man – a human being.

In fact, there is strong evidence that I am definitely not evolved/ actualized or anything like that. I can say with conviction that I possess character defects.

Yup…

I have no investment in wanting to make people think I’m this wise/ actualized/ evolved person because that has nothing to do with who I am nor my path. I am not seeking enlightenment...

All I want to really do is open up my heart – a little at a time.

Secondly, my humor can be raunchy and outside the lines of decorum. I suggest you read me before you add me. And if I say/ write something on your page that you find displeasing/ offensive/ disrespectful let me know. I think words mean something and they can hurt. I don’t like hurting people. I have no problem apologizing for any transgressions. I have lots of practice with apologies. No buts…

For all the bullshitters who say 360 doesn’t matter? Bullshit! LOL If you act the fool here, it’s coming from someplace – you have it in you somewhere.

Period. No buts…

I don’t want to be like those who engage the nonsense and excuse it as “It’s just Yahoo.” It isn’t just Yahoo, it’s you.

Period. No buts...

***

The Revelation Will not be Televised

(Or: Please Leave my Ass Behind, Ma’fuccas!)

“Quick! Look busy -- Jesus is coming!”

Pretend you’re a big time Hollywood executive I tried to sell you this story:

"Okay, let me start with some context. It’s the 21^st century, but millions of people believe in this invisible Super Ghost who lives somewhere way, way up in space. You see, he created everything, sees everything, knows everything and knows everything that had ever happened or will happen. Something like a huge security camera in the sky.

The people who believe in him think of him as a magic helper who protects and watches over them. It’s a take on the Santa Claus thingee – he sees you when you’re sleeping, he knows when you’re awake and engaged in terrorist activities and so on.

Yet even thought this ghost has, like, all the superpowers of all the superheroes rolled into one, he’s really insecure. He demands that you follow him or else you get an eternity burning in a non-stop, super-duper fire, boiling in lava-like shit and being constantly stabbed by devils with pitchforks. Oh yeah! I almost forgot, two thousand years ago he sent his only son back to earth in order to redeem humanity from their wickedness by getting hung on a cross and, you, that whole Mel Gibson treatment.

Now, bear with me because this is where the story gets interesting: after two thousand years of watching humanity slaughter itself, getting really fucked up, and having wild orgies, and basically just slack off, the son plans to return to earth from outer space. But before he does, he’s going to beam up to Heaven all those people who believed in him, yup, levitate them right out of their clothes, wherever they are – on an airplane, asleep, having sex, on the toilet, and – get this! – in the freaking grave! Yup, corpses and cadavers blasting out of the ground! Think: Saw meets Night of the Living Dead, with some touches of Superman.

Meanwhile, the people left behind are freaking out. I mean imagine you’re on an airplane to Puerto Rico and suddenly the pilot fuccin’ disappears!

Dang!

Then you look out the window and you see hundreds of naked people whooshing by (of course, we’ll make them up to be foine babes and maybe throw in an old dude just for laughs). And then the plane just nose dives, crashes smack into the side of a mountain. Families are broken up and companies have to close because, like, the entire sales department just flew out the window through the AC vents!

Meanwhile, the people left behind are really freaking out and CNN is blaming it on the Muslims and Fox News is blaming the liberals. The president is pissed because he thinks it’s some secret pentagon weapon and he wasn’t informed. Cut to a religious secretary and she tells him, “Sir, it’s the Rapture.” The president doesn’t know what the rapture is, he flunked Bible school and the secret service sweeps him away to an undisclosed location where they fill him in on the Rapture.

And this is just the first seven minutes! In the rest of the movie, the people left behind are going to suffer a seven-year nightmare of wars, plagues, attacks from supernatural creatures, asteroid collisions, and rivers of blood… "

Would you buy a pitch like that? Well, considering the really inferior crap that gets produced, like the Die Hard franchise, maybe a studio would produce such a story. But mostly you would have probably called security and have me kicked to the curb, right? Right?!!

As many as a hundred million Americans believe in this story, which is known as the Rapture, a scene lifted out of the last book of the Bible. Yeah, the crazy, hallucinogenic part. The part with the Apocalypse and its Four Horsemen, the Whore of Babylon, a seven-headed dragon, and crap that looks straight out of a badly crafted segment of Lord of the Rings.

It’s Jay-sus (!) on steroids out here to kick some major arse!

If you’re a Christian and never heard of the Rapture, then shame on you, you didn’t read the Bible all the way to the end! In any case, this book isn’t for believers of the rapture. It’s for you! Heathen! Unbeliever! Doubter! Satanist! Secular Humanist liberal democrat! If you're curious about what 100 million people find so compelling about the Rapture, then this book will do the trick. If you’re the kind of person who values reason rather than myth, then this book will make you smile smugly.

Quick! Look Busy!

Love,

Eddie