Sunday Sermon [The Revelation Will Not be Televised

Hola Everybody!

I need to make something clear – or clearer. I become very uncomfortable when people call me “evolved” or “intelligent” or "actualized" anything like that. The fact is that I am most definitely not evolved/ actualized/ wise/ at all.

I am just a man – a human being.

In fact, there is strong evidence that I am definitely not evolved/ actualized or anything like that. I can say with conviction that I possess character defects.

Yup…

I have no investment in wanting to make people think I’m this wise/ actualized/ evolved person because that has nothing to do with who I am nor my path. I am not seeking enlightenment...

All I want to really do is open up my heart – a little at a time.

Secondly, my humor can be raunchy and outside the lines of decorum. I suggest you read me before you add me. And if I say/ write something on your page that you find displeasing/ offensive/ disrespectful let me know. I think words mean something and they can hurt. I don’t like hurting people. I have no problem apologizing for any transgressions. I have lots of practice with apologies. No buts…

For all the bullshitters who say 360 doesn’t matter? Bullshit! LOL If you act the fool here, it’s coming from someplace – you have it in you somewhere.

Period. No buts…

I don’t want to be like those who engage the nonsense and excuse it as “It’s just Yahoo.” It isn’t just Yahoo, it’s you.

Period. No buts...

***

The Revelation Will not be Televised

(Or: Please Leave my Ass Behind, Ma’fuccas!)

“Quick! Look busy -- Jesus is coming!”

Pretend you’re a big time Hollywood executive I tried to sell you this story:

"Okay, let me start with some context. It’s the 21^st century, but millions of people believe in this invisible Super Ghost who lives somewhere way, way up in space. You see, he created everything, sees everything, knows everything and knows everything that had ever happened or will happen. Something like a huge security camera in the sky.

The people who believe in him think of him as a magic helper who protects and watches over them. It’s a take on the Santa Claus thingee – he sees you when you’re sleeping, he knows when you’re awake and engaged in terrorist activities and so on.

Yet even thought this ghost has, like, all the superpowers of all the superheroes rolled into one, he’s really insecure. He demands that you follow him or else you get an eternity burning in a non-stop, super-duper fire, boiling in lava-like shit and being constantly stabbed by devils with pitchforks. Oh yeah! I almost forgot, two thousand years ago he sent his only son back to earth in order to redeem humanity from their wickedness by getting hung on a cross and, you, that whole Mel Gibson treatment.

Now, bear with me because this is where the story gets interesting: after two thousand years of watching humanity slaughter itself, getting really fucked up, and having wild orgies, and basically just slack off, the son plans to return to earth from outer space. But before he does, he’s going to beam up to Heaven all those people who believed in him, yup, levitate them right out of their clothes, wherever they are – on an airplane, asleep, having sex, on the toilet, and – get this! – in the freaking grave! Yup, corpses and cadavers blasting out of the ground! Think: Saw meets Night of the Living Dead, with some touches of Superman.

Meanwhile, the people left behind are freaking out. I mean imagine you’re on an airplane to Puerto Rico and suddenly the pilot fuccin’ disappears!

Dang!

Then you look out the window and you see hundreds of naked people whooshing by (of course, we’ll make them up to be foine babes and maybe throw in an old dude just for laughs). And then the plane just nose dives, crashes smack into the side of a mountain. Families are broken up and companies have to close because, like, the entire sales department just flew out the window through the AC vents!

Meanwhile, the people left behind are really freaking out and CNN is blaming it on the Muslims and Fox News is blaming the liberals. The president is pissed because he thinks it’s some secret pentagon weapon and he wasn’t informed. Cut to a religious secretary and she tells him, “Sir, it’s the Rapture.” The president doesn’t know what the rapture is, he flunked Bible school and the secret service sweeps him away to an undisclosed location where they fill him in on the Rapture.

And this is just the first seven minutes! In the rest of the movie, the people left behind are going to suffer a seven-year nightmare of wars, plagues, attacks from supernatural creatures, asteroid collisions, and rivers of blood… "

Would you buy a pitch like that? Well, considering the really inferior crap that gets produced, like the Die Hard franchise, maybe a studio would produce such a story. But mostly you would have probably called security and have me kicked to the curb, right? Right?!!

As many as a hundred million Americans believe in this story, which is known as the Rapture, a scene lifted out of the last book of the Bible. Yeah, the crazy, hallucinogenic part. The part with the Apocalypse and its Four Horsemen, the Whore of Babylon, a seven-headed dragon, and crap that looks straight out of a badly crafted segment of Lord of the Rings.

It’s Jay-sus (!) on steroids out here to kick some major arse!

If you’re a Christian and never heard of the Rapture, then shame on you, you didn’t read the Bible all the way to the end! In any case, this book isn’t for believers of the rapture. It’s for you! Heathen! Unbeliever! Doubter! Satanist! Secular Humanist liberal democrat! If you're curious about what 100 million people find so compelling about the Rapture, then this book will do the trick. If you’re the kind of person who values reason rather than myth, then this book will make you smile smugly.

Quick! Look Busy!

Love,

Eddie