Life 101: Freedom

¡Hola! Everybody...
Ever notice how your perception of the passage of time changes? There are times, for example, when “time flies,” usually when we’re busy doing something. We look up and eight hours flashed by! Other times, when we “feel bored” (feeling bored should be considered a cardinal sin, btw), time drags on forever. The minutes feel like hours. Then there are times, mostly when we’re involved in doing something creative, that time seems to “disappear.” You’re so involved in what you’re doing, so in tune with the moment and your creative energy, that time ceases to be and you’re caught in a flow state where you’re fully conscious, fully present, yet fully at one with everything. 

That state, that experience of flow, is the key. It’s your access to healing and everything else.

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Life 101: Applied Philosophy

What good is book learning? Or rather, what good or practical purpose is there in an academic discipline such as psychology or philosophy? It’s all bullshit, right?

Of course not.

The irony is that even those who claim not to like philosophy, psychology, or reading in general -- what some call “book learning -- make assumptions and form opinions and worldviews that guide their actions. The difference being is that those who fully explore knowledge live life in a conscious manner. Those who pursue knowledge are aware of the past and its application to the present. Those who deny knowledge live as pawns.

And my response to those who question the practicality of philosophy is that it is useless if it isn’t being applied. And it is here where philosophy can help us live in a meaningful manner.

So what good is philosophy?

Well, let’s take the philosophy of nonviolence. Many great men and women over the centuries have expounded on the importance of nonviolence. You wouldn’t believe it by the way they advocate war, but even fundamentalist Christians have to admit that at the very foundation of Jesus’ teaching is the notion of nonviolence.

How does this teaching look when applied? More importantly, can it be applied to contemporary life? Is being nonviolent in a violent world even possible? Can ordinary people practice nonviolence as a way of life? I submit that if a teaching isn’t relevant, if it can no longer be applied to life, then it is no longer worthy. If a philosophy has no practical value, then it is obsolete (bullshit) and should be discarded.

I was incarcerated for a while at the maximum security prison known as Sing Sing. My security clearance was deemed minimum, but because I scored high on intelligence tests, I was sent to Sing Sing because they needed someone smart with a minimum security clearance to work with the civilian personnel in administration.

Great.

I cannot think of a more humiliating, more internally and externally violent experience than prison. The prison environment is structured in a way that it exacerbates everything and foments violence. If you were fucked up to begin with, prison will make you worse. Physical and psychological violence was a reality and everyday possibility in Sing Sing. People often ask me, “How did you survive prison,” and I laugh because I know what they’re really asking is how I avoided being raped. After all, I'm not a physically imposing figure: I stand at 5'7" and at the time of my incarceration, I weighed maybe 130lbs.

The fact is I survived prison the way I survived anything else in my life: by using my intelligence. It was at Sing Sing where I learned to be a free man. I broke out of my inner mental prison at Sing Sing. That’s why I have hard time when people assume that I advocate and attempt to live nonviolently because I am naïve, that I don’t understand, that it was easy for me, but that their lives and problems are unique, somehow.

Bullshit. If I could do it (be free) in prison, you can do it out here.

My cell was my sanctuary and it is there where I first began a regular meditation practice. My first “meditation retreat” was in solitary confinement, where the oatmeal I was served had maggots in it. Sing Sing was also where I took the basic Buddhist precepts, one of which was non-harming. Yeah, if you know me you might be saying about now: Leave it to Eddie to take a vow of peace in one of the most violent places. What can I say? I’m dense.

One day, I got into an argument with a fellow inmate over a game of dominoes. It was a silly argument, but as I stated before, everything in prison is magnified, intensified. We were separated before it escalated, but his last words to me were that it wasn’t over and that we were going to fix this in the yard.

This was really hard because in prison, appearances are extremely important. I didn’t want to fight because I abhor violence, always have. I also wanted to live differently. I wanted to apply these new principles -- principles I felt were necessary for true freedom -- in my life. But I was faced with the reality that being prison meant that I did not have the luxury of giving the impression of “being soft” because then I would become prey to everyone else. The reality of being in prison meant that I had to man-up and fight this motherfucker because if I refused then I would become everybody's bitch. At least this was the common thought process when I was incarcerated.

As the day progressed, everything seemed to get quiet and no one would talk to me. There was a buzz in the air, everyone knew we were going to square off as soon as we were let out for recreation in the prison yard. The tension was palpable. One acquaintance came by my and slipped me a shank (a homemade knife), telling me to watch out for the other guy because he had one too. 

Geez!

Here I was, in a maximum security prison, about to go hand-to-hand with an individual who was serving a 25-life sentence for a murder. Great Eddie, you sure know how to fuck shit up, I thought to myself. People, don’t ever tell me that I don’t understand, that my life isn’t or wasn’t as hard or difficult as yours.

What to do? What would a Buddhist, or a Jesus, or anybody else do? On the one hand, I had to fight, there was no way of backing out and still manage to survive prison. On the other hand, if I hurt this man in a knife fight, I could be convicted of new crime and end up in prison for a long time. Or, he could cut my face and I would be scarred for life. I was actually more fearful of losing my looks than anything else, truth be told. I mean, I may not be the prettiest man, but I had grown accustomed to my face and I liked it the way it was. More importantly, I wanted to live life in a principled way. I wanted to stand for something. Engaging in violence meant betraying what I believed, or wanted desperately to believe.

Without knowing what else to do, I sat down in meditation -- practicing the age-old technique of vipassana or insight meditation. The technique of vipassana uses mindfulness to note our mental and physical experience from moment-to-moment, with an unbiased attitude. According to Buddhism, by practicing mindfulness meditation we can see and eventually remove the causes of suffering, which are within ourselves.

As I sat in this way, I noticed the shifting tides within me. I saw how anger morphed to fear and fear morphed self-righteous indignation and watched the whole thing cycle through again. I realized that the fear within me was irrational. I realized that the danger I was about to face was real, but if I faced it by allowing the fear to control me, I was not truly free. I would react from a fear-based perspective and I had been doing that all my life. Finally, the time came to leave for the yard. I looked at the shank and I decided right then to leave it. I made a commitment to live by the principle of nonviolence (even if it killed me). At that moment I didn’t know how I would do it, or if I would even survive. the only certainty I had was that I was going to do it. I remembered hearing somewhere that freedom is facing death and still committing to live.

I walked out in the yard and my former friend, who was now my “enemy” was across the yard, playing handball against the far wall. One of his friends tapped him on the shoulder and pointed my way and he put on his shirt and started walking along the wall toward me. He had a hand in his pocket.

Everyone was watching. 

I took a deep breath and walked along the wall toward him. My mind was racing and now I felt like a stupid jerk for leaving the shank because two things were obvious: 1) he definitely had a shank and, 2) I had no plan. I just kept walking. He was maybe 100 yards away from me and I could see the determination in his eyes. But I also saw something else. I saw another human being who was probably just as scared and conflicted as I was. We had been friends. We had broke bread together and kept each other company, playing dominoes and playing the dozens with one another. And yet here we were, ready to maim or even kill each other. Well, I wasn’t going to do it.

What happened was that when we finally came face-to-face, I refused to fight him. Just like that…

I’m saying, fuck it, I ain’t fighting you, this is stupid. Why are we doing this? And he’s looking around because everyone is looking, hoping for some recreation, and we’re standing there like two fools. He tells me to fight, that he will fight regardless. He says I made him lose face and now I had to pay for it. I tell him to fuck himself that I’ not going to fight. And I begin talking to him, asking him why we’re doing this. I ask him if it’s cool to be entertainment for these other motherfuckers who don’t have anything else to do. I offer my apology and I ask if he could find it within himself, as a man, for us to resolve this differently.

Truth be told, I really don’t remember everything I said that day, all I know is that we didn’t fight. I refused to fight. I know I told him if he really wanted to stab me to go ahead and for a moment, I thought he was.

But he didn’t.

He cursed and I told him to fuck himself, whatever was going to happen that moment, the one thing I knew was that I wasn’t fighting him. I think he was actually really taken by surprise by my refusal. I think he expected anything else but that from me. He just shook his head in disbelief and walked away. I stood there and looked around and checked out the reactions. Some laughed, others didn’t know what to make of of it. Shit, I didn’t know what to make of it.

Later, a group of mutual friends invited us both to the dominoes table and eventually we became good friends. I even taught him to meditate, but he said that shit was crazy. The day I left prison for the last time, that man was my friend. Many years later, I returned to Sing Sing to tell my story of life on the outside to the men I left behind, many of who will never see the light of a free day. 

When I stood up there in Sing Sing to tell my story as a free man, many of the men I did time with, hardened men -- men who had harmed and been harmed -- cried openly. My friend came up to me after and told me these words, “Today we live freedom through you, Eddie. We used to laugh at you because you liked to say you escaped from prison when you were here. But you have gone out there and shown us that freedom is something in here,” he said as he pointed to his heart. “You represent all of us here who may never be free and that’s your responsibility because you have been given another chance.”

Freedom is a state of mind.

Today, his words are just as powerful and they serve to remind me that freedom begins here in this very moment. Philosophy is not merely mental masturbation for college kids debating in class, it has practical value. It’s what separates us from being animals ruled by mere instincts.

My name is Eddie and I’m in recovery from civilization

What Really Matters [The Fake War on Christmas and Silent Night]

¡Happy Holidays mi Gente!

@6 innocent young lives were snuffed out earlier this month -- victims of violence created in large measure by a gun culture and a segment of the population that feels entitled to the point that their "right" to bear arms is more important than those lives. Blood is on our hands people, and I hope we do something because I can assure you: it will happen again... and again.

 Leave it to the Christian right and conservatives in general to fuck up a good thing… There are two parts to today’s post. One illustrates how conservatives use religion to foster fear, the other illustrates how spirituality can be a powerful force, even in the midst of unbelievable violence and insanity.

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The Manufactured War on Christmas

What we preserve in the larger human story determines what we believe is possible in the world.

I’m so sick of it. Every. Fuckin’. Year.

The outrage over a supposed liberal plot to destroy Christmas. As if pro-free market deregulators needed any help in destroying whatever vestige of meaning Christmas still has. Fox News, led by blowhard bully, Bill O’Reilly, are really great at manipulating low-information viewers with faked or exaggerated “news accounts of the War on Christmas. They’re almost all of them either outright lies or spin. I won’t recount them -- Media Matters collects and debunks the propaganda every year (here and here).

The [fake] War on Christmas is definitely real and perpetuated by Fox News and other conservative outlets in order to increase ratings, foment fear, and viewer rage. Last year, as I was scrolling through my Facebook page I came across the following (several times):

I'm inviting all my Facebook family and friends to join me in returning to the traditional greeting of "MERRY CHRISTMAS" instead of the politically correct "Happy Holidays"!! If you agree with me, please re-post this message.....

MERRY CHRISTMAS! We need Christ back into our lives

GOD IS WELCOME IN MY HOUSE。* 。

° 。 ° ˛˚˛ * Π_。˚

˚ ˛ •˛•˚ *____~＼。˚ ˚ ˛

˚ ˛ •˛• ˚ ｜ 田田 ｜門｜ •

If God is also welcome in your House, repost this!

            I fail to understand the animosity for “Happy Holidays.” I'm sure God or a Higher Power of some sort is in the home of my Jewish, Buddhist, Pagan, and Wiccan friends. I wouldn’t say “Merry Christmas” to them not because I want to be “politically correct” but because it would be rude. I value and respect other people’s beliefs. It’s tragic that the “us-vs-them” mentality has spread to the point that common decency is dismissed as “political correctness.”

            But let’s get this straight, the fake war on Christmas is not really about Christmas, but rather it’s conservative code for religious intolerance, anti-Semitism, and bigotry. It’s the dog whistle to rile up the rabble.

            The whole “political correctness” smear is bullshit anyway. People who bitch about political correctness remind me of a bunch of jerks whining because they can’t belittle and demean other people with impunity. Conservatives have been very successful at demonizing perfectly good words and concepts; in fact, it’s one of their most basic tactics. They have demonized the whole concept of politeness, of tolerance, of respect for other people. You’re either “us” or “them”; you’re either “with us” or “against us.”

            I am a practicing Buddhist, but I celebrate the spirit of Christmas. I was raised as a Christian and I join with family and friends to celebrate it, though I don’t believe in a God in the Christian/ Judeo sense. So what? I’m very much a spiritual slut and try to learn from wisdom traditions of all types. At the core of The Nazarene’s message is a powerful and sublime philosophy: that we love one another, and that we should treat one another with respect and tolerance. Of course, Christmas really isn’t about that at all. Shit, if there is a war on Christmas, it was won long ago by a consumer culture grounded in the mindset of mindlessly acquiring material possessions rather than self-actualization.

            And that’s the tragedy here because the message is lost. And if you doubt it’s power, then check out the following story…

On Christmas Eve in 1914, two lines of homesick soldiers, one British, one German, were dug into the trenches on the Western Front in the middle of World War I. Now, you have to understand that WWI was considered the “war to end all wars.” It was one of the vicious wars because in those days, you had to look your enemy in the eye as you stabbed or shot him. You were as likely to die from starvation, exposure, and disease as you were at the hands of the enemy. So, there are these two front lines and between them was a fire zone called no-man’s land. On this moonlit, snowy night in a God-forsaken landscape, the Germans lifted army issued Christmas trees sparkling with tiny candles over the edge of their trenches and set them in plain sight.

            The British shouted and cheered with delight. The Germans began to sing “Stille Nacht… ”and the British began to sing along with “Silent Night.” This encouraged the Germans and they set down their guns in the moonlight and heaved themselves from their trenches carrying candles, cake, and cigars toward their enemies. The British responded in kind, carrying steamed pudding and cigarettes.

            These men met in the middle of the forbidden zone, exchanged gifts, sang carols, and played soccer. This seemingly spontaneous truce eventually extended for hundreds of miles among thousands of soldiers. The really funny thing was, having seen each other’s humanity, they could no longer shoot each other…

            The war essentially stopped.

            Horrified, commanders on both sides had to transfer thousands of men to new positions until the enemy became faceless again, something killable, not a human being -- not a brother.

            Almost a hundred years later, scholars are still studying this event, reading soldier’s journals and letters that refer to it, seeking to understand “the breakdown of the military mindset,” or seeking to understand how a spontaneous peace movement could spread even in the cold heart of war.

            Today you will hear countless other stories. Stories of death and unspeakable cruelty. You will no doubt hear stories justifying, in the name of global economics or religion, the starvation and killing of innocent men, women, and children. You will see or read approximately 80,000 messages today bombarding you with the agenda to get you to buy something -- most of it will fly under the radar of your awareness. But if you remember anything, remember this story because it is true and it speaks to who we really are and the essence of what it means to be a human being.

            But most of all, remember the contrasts between the two part of this post today. The first part emphasizes difference and domination, the second part reinforces what is good in all of us, regardless of what or who we believe in.

            My name is Eddie and I’m in recovery from civilization…