[un]Common Sense Sex Blog (Sexual Awareness)

¡Hola! Everybody... Busy, busy, busy... Have a great weekend, people!

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-=[ Sexual Awareness ]=-

Why do a sex blog? Well, obviously because I feel it’s important. Today we have more information about human sexuality than any other culture in the world and yet there is no evidence that people are functioning better sexually or enjoying their sex lives more. Contrary to the popular myth, there was no sexual revolution -- very few people are sexually liberated and having great sex.

The fact is that we’ve moved from a foundation of sexual ignorance, repression, and inhibition to a sex saturated, performance-orientated, sexually confused culture.

In my Friday blogs, I attempt to provide up-to-date information as well as challenge people’s notions of sex and sexuality. I believe that the more information people have (especially young people!) the better they function as sexual beings. I also feel that challenging rigid and harmful thinking about sexuality can help people to become responsible for their own sexuality.

My core principles are quite simple. I believe sexuality is a good, healthy part of life, not bad or evil. Furthermore, I view sexuality as a viable spiritual path, a positive, integral part of each individual’s personality. Individuals are responsible for choosing how to express their sexuality. Sexuality should be used to enhance your life, not be a cause for guilt and anxiety. While an intimate relationship is probably the most secure manner to express sexuality, it’s not the only way. Finally, a healthy sexual relationship is based on respect, trust and intimacy, and the way consenting individuals define those terms.

Below, I’m going to briefly address some myths I’ve taken on before and will take on in the near future.

Sexual expression is not merely natural; it is both learned and natural. You are a sexual person from the day you are born until the day you die. In fact, sexuality finds expression even in utero. While the potential for the sexual response is always there, attitudes, behavior, and feelings about sex develop as part of a complex process of sexual conditioning and experiences. Sexual learning occurs throughout life; negative learning and experiences can be overcome.

Pleasuring and intercourse go hand in hand. The creation of artificial roles for men and women is probably the worst of all sexual conditioning. Foreplay should be pleasurable for both the man and woman. Rather than the man “doing” the woman so she can be ready for intercourse, sex should be a give and take experience involving pleasure.

A superior (as opposed to a mediocre) sexual relationship demands time and nurturing. Real sex means establishing communication, caring, and sharing. A couple needs to devote time and psychological energy to nurture and maintain a satisfying sexual relationship. For a couple, sex can become routine and stagnant -- especially when done only at night with little variation. We all can get caught up in the daily activities of working, raising children, and maintaining a household. But make no mistake: if you value sexuality, invest time, energy, and emotion into nurturing that aspect of your relationship.

Having said of all that, love and communication are not enough. It always gets me when I hear the myth that if you’re in love and communicate sex always works well. Bullshit! There are hordes of people in love who have terrible sex all the time! LOL! If the man is a premature ejaculator or the woman suffers from vaginismus (spasming of the vaginal opening), all the love and communication in the world will not solve the problem. Enhancing sexual comfort and learning sexual skills are necessary. Communicating is necessary, but not sufficient. In order to evolve sexually, you need to learn and practice sexual communication and sexual skills.

The ideal of the most satisfying sexual relations integrating intimacy and sexuality is mostly true. Sex and love, however, are not the same! This is also up there in terms of the harm it has caused. You can be sexually functional with people you don’t even like, believe it or not, and we can love someone but still experience sexual discomfort or problems. As some of you who read me already know, when I say love, I am not speaking of the romantic bullshit high we all mistake for love. True love involves an act of will that evolves into a mature intimacy where respect, trust, and care rule the day. Sexuality involves not just experiencing desire, arousal, and orgasm, but also an emotional satisfaction and a bonding component. Sex and love are different.

Although an intimate sexual relationship is the valued ideal -- the brass ring of sexual life -- it is normal to have experienced satisfying casual sexual relationships. There is no excitement like the illicitness of casual sex and it’s extremely difficult to replicate that in a marital relationship.

Unrealistic expectations place a heavy and unnecessary burden on sexual relationships. No matter how great the intimacy or creative the technique, not every sexual encounter will leave you trembling as if you were experiencing a Grand Mal seizure, ladies. Statistically speaking, couples identifying as having a healthy sexual relationship report that only in 40-50% of their sexual encounters do they experience desire, arousal, orgasm, and satisfaction. In 5-15% of sexual interactions, the sex is mediocre, unsatisfying, or unsuccessful. Perhaps the latter is the kind where one says, “I hope you’re enjoying this because it ain’t working for me,” and the partner responds, “Well, this one’s for me and I owe you one, baby.” LOL! Couples who can laugh and shrug it off and try again the next day when they may be more responsive or receptive will maintain a satisfying sexual relationship. We are not sexual machines who perform perfectly on demand.

When in committed, long-term relationships, there were times when the sex was purely for me -- lick-em-stick-em-and-cum affairs. Other times it was purely for her. If all sex were like a gourmet dinner with the finest wine, it would get pretty much stale. Variability and flexibility are the hallmarks of a healthy sexual relationship.

Sexual myths and bad habits are reinforced during the dating period. Of these, the most harmful is that it’s the man’s role to initiate sex and that there is something wrong with a woman who wants and initiates sex. Usually these types of women are stigmatized as “loose” or as “ho’s.” Sex is a shared pleasure and each person is entitled to initiate and to say no. Men, for the most part, have a huge problems learning to say no than women have making clear, direct sexual requests. Many men still adhere to the machismo notion that in order to be “a real man,” he should be able to have sex anytime, anywhere. The irony is that a man being comfortable saying no when he does not want intercourse actually frees the woman to be more comfortable in her initiations.

People? Not all touching needs to lead to intercourse. I think guys have a problem with this, but women fall prey to it too. Comfortable touching whether clothed or nude inside or outside the bedroom is a major form of loving communication. Pleasure and arousal are to be valued for their own qualities and not just as a mechanism for sexual intercourse. Touching is a way to connect for affection, to express sensuality, or to share eroticism.

Touching is an integral part of a sexual relationship and people who avoid touch unless they want intercourse are cheating themselves.

The saddest myth is that men and women are different sexually. In actuality, men and women are more alike sexually than different. The myth goes that men are interested in sex and that women are interested in relationships and merely submits to sex. Research, however, shows that the same physiological processes underlie male and female sexuality. In other words, there are many more similarities than differences. For example, women have the potential to be multi-orgasmic, so if we used orgasm as a standard you could make a compelling argument that women are more sexual. However, these arguments serve only to add fuel to the fire in the gender wars and add to the confusion. A more empowering POV is that both men and women value intimacy, pleasuring, and eroticism.

One enduring myth is found in the misconceptions surrounding female orgasm. Women now are experiencing the same performance anxieties that have plagued men for so long. I discovered this when I came across research on female premature ejaculators. Today pressure on women to keep up with men and also to prove she is liberated by having multiple orgasms or identifying her “G” spot and having the perfect orgasm every time is simply wrong-headed and self-defeating. Female orgasm (like male orgasm) is the natural consequence of sexual involvement, erotic stimulation, increasing arousal, and letting go.

Yes, women have different patterns and preferences for being orgasmic. No two people are alike sexually. The healthier alternative is to view sex as a shared pleasure, not as a performance. Sex is about pleasuring, not proving something to yourself or your partner.

Love,

Eddie