I am looking forward to a relaxing weekend…
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-=[ The Futility of Goal-Oriented Sex ]=-
Too often sex resembles a contest. If there ever was a metaphor we need to do away with it has to be the “war” of the sexes. In a zero-sum society, where the mentality of “winner takes all” rules, it's no wonder that sex resembles a race or competition: who can have the most intense orgasm, who can “do” who, who can suck dick better, who can last longer, etc.
It’s absolutely mind-boggling...
What happens, in my view, is that sex becomes something people do mindlessly, often in the darkened corridors of their shame.
What would happen to the simple of act of touching, for example, if we took the goal-oriented mindset away from it?
What if a man or woman simply touched you?
What would it feel like if your lover simply bathed you with no expectation of sex? Imagine being caressed for a long period of time, being bathed , towel-dried, massaged, pampered, touched, looked at, explored sensuously, lovingly, intimately -- without sex being the endgame.
What would that do to your comfortability with intimacy, touch, and nudity -- to have your lover drink in your body with his or her eyes like that? Just for the sake of looking?
The first casualty of long-term relationships is often the loss of sexual expression in the form of excitement, playfulness, spontaneity, and seductive touching. Perhaps we all need a re-orienting toward pleasurable sensual feelings. Without sensuality there is no real sex, and without sex, there's no genuine intimacy. Emphasizing a creative-type exploration, in a relaxed, non-goal oriented manner, the sensual pleasure you can derive from touching and being touched, is a sure-fire path to sexual healing or re-awakening.
Lovers develop assumptions (often based on misperceptions) and fall into ruts, creating awkwardness toward asking for a different type of touching.
Try the following exercise
Exercise: Non- Genital Exploration/ Pleasuring
For this exercise, one partner should be the giver and the other the recipient. Interestingly enough, many men feel less comfortable as a receiver.
It’s important before beginning to sit down and talk for a little while -- perhaps over coffee or a small meal. Some might prefer a drink, but keep in mind that alcohol is a sexual suppressant. Recall an experience when you felt close and intimate. Express this feeling.
Gradually, allow your partner to caress your hands. Notice the differences in size and texture. Hands can communicate a lot.
If you choose to shower, experiment with different types of sprays and temperature. If bathing, try a new bath oil or soap.
Soap your partner’s back, caressing it as you do so. Trace the contours of the muscles with your fingers, gently massaging. Do the same with the front of your partner’s body. Soap his or her neck; skip the breasts and genital area. Soap your own body. Take in your lover’s body as if you were looking at a new person.
Slowly, gently towel your partner and then move to the bedroom. The room should be comfortable and slightly dimmed. You should, however be able to see your lover’s body. Have some soft music playing on the CD player.
Have the receiver lay face down. The recipient has three tasks. The first is to be passive and receive pleasure. The second is to keep their eyes closed throughout the exercise so as to be able to concentrate on the physical feelings and sensations. The third is to be aware of what parts of your body and what types of touch are sensuous.
The giver’s tasks are to provide the recipient with a variety of experiences so s/he can increase awareness of sensual feelings. The giver can enjoy exploring various types of touching and experience their body in a new way. The emphasis here is on exploring rather than attempting to arouse the partner or prove anything sexual. It’s important to feel comfortable and enjoy the experience.
Beginning with your partner’s feet, caress and hold your partner’s body. Notice the length of the toes, of the legs, the texture of the skin. Place your palms on the many curves and arches of your partner’ body, use your fingertips to follow the contours of your partner’s body. Slowly move up the leg, take time to explore the soft area behind the knees. Examine and explore the thighs and gently massage. Move to the buttocks and massage both simultaneously. Many people feel negative about this area because of the association with defecation and social taboos. The buttocks and anal area can be one of the most sensuous parts of the body; they comprise an erogenous zone with a multitude of nerve endings. Remember to touch in a manner that is enjoyable and sensuous.
When you have finished providing non-demand sensuous exploration, switch roles and repeat the exercise. Remember, this isn’t a tit for tat game. The focus is on exploring, enjoying, touching, learning, comfort and safety, and sensuality. Throw away the “agenda” and just be yourself.
After, sit together and over a drink or coffee, discuss the experience and share your feelings. It’s best not to talk while doing the exercise, because talking tends to take you away from your body, from your felt sense. Encourage sharing with one another in an open and joyful way. I guarantee you that if you incorporate this type of intimacy in your relationship on a regular basis you will be rewarded in ways you’d never imagine.