Hola mi Gente,
If you can, please check my brother-from-another-mother Nathan Lee Nathan’s new sci-fi novel [click here for more info]. Let’s support independent authors.
Today is Friday and it’s all about sex here at the [un]Common Sense blog. A woman once sent me a question regarding doing the nasty with an ex…
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Sex with Your Ex
Love has reasons which reason cannot understand.
-- Blaise Pascal
Ahhhh… we’ve been there before: the last kiss, fling -- whatever the case may be -- and suddenly we find ourselves clinched and, more often than not, confused under the sheets with an ex-lover. I was famous for this since at one time emotional investment wasn’t one of my priorities. In some cases, it still isn’t. I’m just more honest about it. And yes, I can enjoy sex for sex’ sake. I’m no breeder.
Let me say right off the bat that the cliché that men fuck to fuck and women make love for intimacy is bullshit. People, if you have decided it’s not your preference or not within your morals to engage in sex outside a committed relationship, that’s a choice and not a biological imperative. And I’m not here to tell anybody what to do. If you want to lock it up till “The One” comes along? Hey, whatever creams your Twinkie. I personally find that I’m not compatible with such women because it’s my personal view that people who disengage from sex do so because there’s an anti-sex bias lurking underneath all that. And please don’t get your knickers all atwist: that’s my personal opinion gleaned from limited experience. I find breeder sex boring (though for a long time, I never turned it down).
Anyway, taking into consideration how we can oftentimes mistake “playing house” for real love, and feelings can get hurt -- especially if your values conflict -- perhaps having sex with your ex isn’t that good of an idea.
Besides, having a fling with an ex is different than with someone else, since there’s usually some measure of emotional baggage. After all, they are an ex for a reason, right?
Still, the fact remains that, whether through a chance encounter or an idea germinating in that committee inside that pretty little head of yours, sex with your ex can be an alluring possibility -- irresistible even. Even if he (o she) wasn’t the best lover, whatever spark you may have felt for your ex may seem compelling. This is especially if you’ve prematurely “retired” (or what is known as sexual anorexia) until “The One” arrives, or are on the rebound from another relationship. How many of us have actually considered sex with the psycho ex-boyfriend after a few cocktails, and in the heat of the moment?
Come on, now, don’t get all new on me, ladies (and gentlemen)…
And if he was the best lover you ever had, one you still fantasize about when you’re attending to your neglected needs? Then you really should forget about it. The hard truth is that having sex with your ex can be playing with fire on too many levels for it to be the right thing. Strong feelings will surface. You might find that you long for him in ways that will throw you for a loop. You might have to fight an overpowering lust, especially if you don’t have sex as often. (And people? Having sex every leap year doesn’t count as often).
Powerful, sex-triggered hormones in your body can fool you, if you’re not attentive, into thinking you’re falling in love again and you will suddenly develop amnesia about the reasons why you kicked the ma’fucca to the curb in the first place. The fantasy of “happily ever after” always lurks in the background. You will be thinking of only the good times, and of course, there’s that tendency for thinking about what could’ve, should’ve, would’ve been, and what might still be…
Stop that! Wake the fuck up!
There is a reason, possibly several, that this trifling ma’fucca is your ex, even if he broke up with you. And having sex with him will predispose you into forgetting about those reasons. Physical intimacy can have the effect of bringing back feelings you think you’ve buried, which can be confusing you and cause you to make decisions you will later regret. Even if you think you’re strong enough and enough time has passed to have some nice sex and leave it at that, the hurts, the longings -- all the baggage -- will replay in your mind long after the burst of passion has gone.
The important question is: will you be able to get on with your life if this little tussle in the sack turns out to be no more than a relationship’s final curtain? Can you truly close the door again after opening up the Pandora’s Box (pun intended)?
If you have the slightest notion that going back to bed with your ex is going to rekindle your relationship, heal all the wounds, right all the wrongs run (!), don’t walk. On the other hand, if you have genuinely resolved any issues, then there’s no downside, you’re enough of a warrior and intelligent enough to engage and keep it moving.
Still, I would encourage some focus, regardless of your gender. Sex with your ex, people, won’t bring that fantasy you had back. Unless he’s been doing some major work on himself and his issues, he’s likely the same trifflin’ ma’fucca he was when you guys broke up.
My name is Eddie and I’m in recovery from civilization…