The Friday Sex Blog [Open Relationships]

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[un]Common Sense Sex Blog (Swinging)

¡Hola! Everybody,
Man! The anger and bitterness expressed by people because I consciously chose to give a friend the benefit of the doubt! LOL

Now I’m a fool, less intelligent, less attractive – you name it!

People? Bitterness and lashing out as a response to a lie/ betrayal aren’t unique qualities. Almost everyone reacts that way. I will tell you this much: as long as you hold a resentment, whatever a person has done to you will be replayed in your little vindictive mind again and again.

I have forgiven and I'm ready to move on. And I never close the door, nor do I take a hard, bitter stance toward betrayal. some of you have been hurt bad. Get over it.

Relax the sphincter muscles people.

Sheesh!

I will be away at meetings for most of the day…

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Hollywood Swingin’

Last night I sat down to watch little of the new series Swingtown, but I quickly lost interest. Apparently, the series brings the practice of swinging to the American mainstream. In this piece, I used swinging, swapping, and group sex interchangeably. I know there are nuances, but I don’t want to get hung up on terminology.

Quite simply, swinging is “non-monogamous sexual activity, treated much like any other social activity, that can be experienced as a couple.” Swinging has been called wife swapping in the past, but this term has been criticized as androcentric (having a male bias) and fails to accurately describe the full range of sexual activities in which swingers may take part. I agree.

For me, swinging is about fun and excitement in an environment of deep love and implicit trust. First, let me do away with some stereotypes right off the bat. Swingers don’t wear signs telling of their sexual activities. In fact, you may not recognize someone who swings at all. Some couples have reported going to swingers clubs, only to run into their next-door neighbors!

It is estimated that today the number of active swingers in the United States to be about five million. And don’t get it twisted: I have read at least one research study that showed a majority of swingers are conservative republicans. LOL! I am not bullshitting!

Swingers come in all shapes and sizes and genders. They can be heterosexual, homosexual, or bisexual. There really aren’t any restrictions. The only limitations are confined to your level of creativity.

Statistically speaking, most swingers are anywhere from their late twenties to early fifties. Many are already married and looking to take our sexual experience to the next level. In fact, I would go so far as to say that swingers often have more stable relationships than monogamous couples do.

Contrary to what you may believe, most swingers are well-groomed, well-dressed, and just your everyday man or woman.

You might already be judgmental regarding why a decent, attractive couple or single is looking to try swinging. There doesn’t seem to be a clear reason if they already have a partner to share sexual relations with. Most of the swinging couples aren’t having troubles or are looking to change their relationship; they’re actually looking to increase their intimacy. Living out fantasies of being with another person in a safe and open environment can bring greater communication and appreciation of your partner.

Experienced swingers report that even after twenty years of swinging, they are better able to talk with their partner and sort out unrelated problems than they would have been without the swinging experience.

Admit it, you’ve thought about it! And you really would love to know is what exactly happens when you’re swinging.

For the beginner swinger (or someone curious), you’ll find that you can go to a club or out with another couple and just watch the ‘festivities’ without having to participate. That’s how I was first introduced to swinging. Someone (my sister, actually) took me to a swinger's club.

If upon observing, you find you would like to participate, then you can progress to interacting with another couple or single in a safe environment (think club or a mutually chosen location). This doesn’t mean that you have to have sex, but it can involve touching and exploring another person while your partner is in the same room. As you progress onto harder swinging, there are still rules, but the parameters change, expanding.

You can go ahead and have intercourse with another person, either with or without the presence of your partner. I could go into more details, but suffice it to say that the only limitation is the boundaries of your imagination.

Essentially, swinging is experiencing sex and intimacy with another couple or person because your current relationship is strong. You want to try something new and are curious about interacting with another person, gender, or sexual arena. And at the end of the night, you still go home with your partner—more open and more committed to each other.

Swinging demands a deep honesty and commitment to open communication, in the process opening up all kinds of possibilities for a couple.

Swinging or wife swapping as it was known, is nothing new having existed in ancient custom in several cultures. Eskimo men left their wives with a neighbor when they left on prolonged hunting trips and during this time, she performed wifely duties for the neighbor. This was an essential custom in an unforgiving environment where a woman and children might not survive weeks of harsh winter alone.

The Chinese (and not too long ago, I might add) had a custom of renting out their wives when the husband had to be away for several months. If she got pregnant and delivered a child while being rented, it belonged to the man who was renting her.

The Chuckchee of North Asia practiced wife a swapping arrangement where if one of the men in a group had to some reason for visiting, the husband would fix him a bed and offer him his wife. Of course, these favors were later reciprocated and single men were rarely afforded this form of hospitality. Other cultures engaging in formalized wife swapping included certain African tribes (!! LOL!), natives of Hawaii, and Tibet. In addition, many ancient cultures had religious holidays where wife swapping or promiscuity were one of the featured attractions for the devoted worshipers.

Just after the siege on Germany during WWII, American soldiers were reported to have played the game of musical beds with local women who exchanged food for sex. Each soldier would start with a woman and then, on cue, the women would change beds in the dark and after a while, the lights would be turned back on so the couple could see with whom they were having sex.

Contemporary swingers have several options to make the experience far more enjoyable. For example, swingers have sailboats and yachts that are chartered for private parties. Groups reserve blocs of rooms on regular cruise ships. Couples lacking their own friends with whom to swap are able to attend conventions such as Lifestyles that provide opportunities for networking and travel to resorts where they can meet like-minded people. People can experience a high level of sexual energy in an environment where they are immersed in the sexual experience – where you see hear, touch, and smell others engaged in copulation.

To be continued…

Love,

Eddie

The Friday Sex Blog [Polyamory/ Open Relationships]

¡Hola! Everybody,
I’ve been extremely busy all day. My boss decided it was a great idea to have a meeting at the end of day on the Friday before a long holiday weekend. Where is the wisdom in that, I ask?

Grrrrrr…

I haven’t been able to put the finishing touches on a sex blog I was working on, so I’m reposting the following, written about a year ago.

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-=[ Polyamory/ Open Relationships ]=-

Is Monogamy Obsolete?

Okay, a little self-disclosure that will probably take me out the “The One” Sweepstakes! You all know I like stories…

Late 1970s- early 80s and I’m living in Houston totally immersed in a relationship with a complete psycho trust fund baby. I never did heed my father’s warning not to sleep with anyone crazier than myself. So there I was on the SW Freeway embroiled in an intense argument with an irrationally insane jealous woman. It was one of those that had devolved into insightfully delightful give and takes such as:

Her: “Fuck you, Eddie.”

Me: “No, FUCK YOU, bitch!”

She used to take out her anger on her driving so I requested to be let off and she did. There I was on the SW Freeway, stranded. I had never done this before and I had just moved to Houston, but out of sheer necessity, I stuck out my thumb and hitchhiked. Within minutes, two women in a Volkswagen picked me up and we struck up a conversation. I noticed they were gorgeous, young, and very energetic. I’m a total flirt and we began this whole elaborate, sexually-charged conversation, when I noticed that they had skipped my exit. When I informed them, the young lady in the passenger seat turned around and with great mischief in her eyes, informed me, “We know, sweetie, we’re kidnapping you.”

I never pray, but I looked up to the heavens and mouthed the words, “Thank you God!” and she laughed. Little did I know then that these two women would leave an indelible mark in my life. Everything, from the way I view sex, relationships, and jealousy was transformed as a result of my relationship with these two women. To be short, Jodie and Demetria were lovers who eventually became my lovers.

In my twenties, in a relationship with two gorgeous, sexually uninhibited women? Heaven! I think at first the intention was to have this casual hook-up and let it go, but there was a connection that was almost immediate, and we stuck around. This was my first experience with what we called at the time, an “open relationship.”

Eventually, Demetria and I would develop deeper feelings and she became my primary relationship. Wait! I’m using terminology that may be foreign to breeders (the term I use for monogamous people, LOL). Contrary to what you may think, living within an open relationship is not a free-for-all sex fest. There are boundaries, considerations, and honesty that almost unique to an open relationship. I could get into all this but it would be ridiculously long and incomplete. I would suggest the book, The Ethical Slut, for anyone interested in the many forms of polyamory or open relationships. The chapter on jealousy alone is worth the price and that’s what I’m going to address here as briefly as possible.

Everything went fine at first. It was me and Jodie and Demetria and we were fuckin’ up a storm! I was also getting a crash course in cunnilingus, the G-Spot, and exploring the sexual frontiers available to us in ways that was totally liberating. There was communication and needs and wants were discussed early and I was clear on all of it, intellectually.

Yeah, I was cool with everything until the day Demetria met a man she wanted to have sex with. That got me twisted! LOL! We got into some power/ drama play, but she made it clear that the ground rules for the relationship were set from the beginning and if I couldn’t deal with it, then maybe I wasn’t ready to be in an open relationship.

And I really wasn’t. However, I had a lot of affection for Demetria and Jodie, so I tried to deal with my feelings of jealousy. At first, I thought it impossible and even left, promising myself I wouldn’t come back. Instead, I stayed home and for the first time in my life, I allowed myself to experience the jealousy without becoming overwhelmed. Eventually, I was able to see through the jealousy and see it really wasn’t about Demetria or betrayal, but my own deeply felt insecurity that served as a roadblock to loving deeply and openly.

Demetria was one the most loving, knowledgeable, supportive lovers I have ever had the pleasure of knowing. I grew because of my relationship with her and she too had her moments of jealousy and doubts. The thing that made it different was that everything was on the table for discussion. There was a complete and fearless honesty in that relationship that has been rare. We were able to discuss almost anything in a supportive and loving environment and that went a long way towards dissolving my own insecurities and allowing myself to be loved.

I would spend half of the 1980s involved in open relationships and as I grow older, I am again questioning the wisdom of monogamous relationships. The older I get, the more I question the assumption that one person has to be the be all and end all of a relationship. One thing is for sure, my life has been richer because of these experiences.

References/ External Links

Easton, D., & Liszt, C. A. (1997). The Ethical Slut: A Guide to Infinite Sexual Possibilities. San Francisco: Greenery Press.

Anapol, D. M. (1997). Polyamory: The New Love Without Limits: Secrets of Sustainable Intimate Relationships (Paperback). San Rafael, CA: Intinet Resource Center.

Polyamory page at Sexuality.org

Frequently-Asked Questions by the Ravenhearts

Electronic Journal of Human Sexuality: Polyamory

With Open Hands: A Guidebook to Open Relationships A short advice booklet for people new to polyamory by Paxus Calta.