Thursday, January 31, 2008


Hola Everybody,
I have a very busy day today, therefore I’ll be scarce. I’m leaving some “extra sweet” Kool-Aid for those interested. Play nice, try not to break anything, and – Please! No Spitting! LOL

* * *

Relationships and Beginnings

We love because it is the only true adventure.
-- Nikki Giovanni

I’m truly not very good at beginnings. Perhaps it’s because of my intense and passionate nature, or the fact that I'm a moody ma'fucca, whatever the reason, beginnings with me are difficult, to put it mildly. I used to think that I made beginnings difficult on purpose, as a way to avoid contact, but that’s too simplistic. Fact is I’m not “normal” in any sense of that word. Therefore, getting to know me is, like, “never a dull moment.” LOL My values, perspectives, worldview, etc., are quite outside the norm, so to “begin” with me is to enter uncharted territory. A no-man’s (woman’s?) land in the war of the sexes complete with hidden traps and land mines (oops! LOL!).

In addition, like most people (no, you’re not that unique), I have trust issues compounded by a subtle fear of abandonment. So sometimes I misread signs and say, “Fuck this, I’m outtie.” In other words, I can be very insecure in the beginning. Once I become comfortable with the trust factor, everything is cool, but in the beginning, I’m ever vigilant, weighing words with actions and seeing how closely those two are in alignment. Don’t get me wrong, when it comes to affairs of the heart, I love openly, caution thrown to the wind. As far as I’m concerned, it’s the only way to love. However, that doesn’t mean I’m stupid when it comes to my heart. After all, in love and war, discretion is the better part of valor.

But I do love openly, completely, without fear. I can go there to that place no one wants to go. In fact, that place is my playground. LOL You know the place I’m talking about: that place no one can go – that secret garden where your inner girl patiently despairs for her love.

Yeah, that place… 

I believe that if I were to hold you for a lonnnnng time, I could make everything all right. It’s a fantasy, for sure, but I like it. By the way, I will get hard if I hold you long enough, so tread carefully, lest I sully “kitty” with my “passion.” LMAO!

But I digress! I believe that’s the other reason why beginnings with yours truly are so difficult: I’m open. There’s no game here. Well, at least no trivial game. I put my cards on the table, attempt to communicate clearly, and just put it out there. Don’t get me wrong, I’m no bull in a china shop, I can be very subtle, but I am clear and it has been my experience that people in general don’t like clarity. On the contrary, most people seem to go for the muddy waters of ambiguity where it’s easier to disguise the unlikable parts of ourselves. It’s like fucking in the darkened corridors of our shame.

So yeah, beginnings for me are difficult. I’m good at middles and damn sure have enough experience with endings, but beginnings? I dunno… 



Wednesday, January 30, 2008

Language (repost)

Hola Again Everybody!
Repost! LOL



I have a friend. He’s pretty smart, having first graduated from Harvard and then finishing his graduate studies at Columbia. He loves his sons dearly and oftentimes comes to me to “talk” about child-rearing practices. He points out that sometimes I come off as a “Philosopher King,” which is the aspect of my personality he loves best. He doesn’t like it when I’m “dicking around,” as he calls the aspect of my personality which loves to goof off (I enjoy my dicking around, btw).

Which was why I was surprised when, in asking his son to do a task, he told him, “And make sure you don’t spill any of the water?”

He had asked his seven-year-old son to bring me a glass of water. It was filled very close to the top. What do you think happened? Yup, he spilled the water. Almost as soon as his father asked him not to spill the water.

I have a co-worker who has recently met a woman with which he’s considering marriage. He came to me with some concerns. I noticed, as the conversation progressed that he was talking in terms of how things could go wrong, rather than how they should work.

I’m not looking to make a value judgment; we all have different ways of processing things. I’m not here to judge anyone . I am going to simply point out how our mind works.

Language is a very powerful aspect of change. Almost every parent and in almost any conversation, you will hear people say things like, “Don’t do it,” “Don’t think about it, or the famous parental admonition, “Don’t you dare say/ do that!” This is why punishment, as a parental tool, fails miserably.

If I were to tell you right now, “Don’t think about Eddie sodomizing you,” what immediately happens in your mind? Well (your protestations notwithstanding), you find yourself thinking about Eddie sodomizing you. The same thing happens when you tell your child, “Don’t spill any of the water.” The way our brains work is that in order to erase a negative (i.e., “Don’t let Eddie fuck you in the ass… ”), we first have to think about it. Our brains don’t know how to put things into negative language. In order to know what not to think of, our brains first have to think of it.

We all have people in our lives who, with good intentions, tell us what not to do. What they are actually doing is putting our attention exactly in the direction they didn’t want us to go. A few examples include, “Don’t say ____ anymore,” “Don’t worry,” “Don’t panic,” “I don’t think you’re stupid.” Using negative language is also something we do to ourselves. We tell ourselves we won’t think about something and we do. Other examples include: “I won’t do that again (usually preceded by, “Dear God!” LOL), “Don’t piss me off,” and “Don’t smoke,” just to name a few. We tend to think of what we don’t’ want to do, and then do it anyway.

Part of changing our habits is changing the language that supports them. We can take our negative thoughts and state them in the positive. Instead of saying what we don’t want, we can instead say what we do want. Try it.

Think of a negative statement you’ve been making to yourself, and experiment by turning it into a positive one, right now… 

Yes… NOW! LOL!

Instead of saying to yourself, “don’t worry,” try asking yourself “How would I like to feel?” Instead of saying, “don’t smoke,” try saying, “I would like to be smoke-free.” This not only feels better, it actually begins creating the mental conditions (making the synaptic connections) that reorients your brain and prepares you to achieve more of what you want, by focusing on the positive things you want in your life.

We’re now at the end point of January and, statistically speaking, about 80% of the people who made New Year’s resolutions have stopped trying altogether. What I want to say here is that the vast majority of people who achieve change in their lives experience difficulty and fall off the wagon, sometimes many times, before they eventually get it. If you smoked a cigarette, try being smoke-free over again; see how long you can be smoke-free. Very few people get it the first time, people, so give yourself a break, and focus on the positive things you want in life.

Another reason people fail at making lasting change, is that they make too many resolutions! Sheeesh! Try to focus on one thing like eating healthy, or being smoke-free. Just one thing at a time, people. When you try to do too much at one time, all you do is create a stressful environment suited for failure, not success. So, maybe you can go back, look at your list, and form a more realistic strategy. It’s ok, really, be easy on yourself, you’re trying to do something noble – create change – be your own best friend and give yourself some credit.



In Praise of Women (repost)

Hola Everybody,
Don’t really have much time today in the AM, meetings and stuff. Ever had one of those dreams in which you find yourself running from some unknown danger and the more you run, the more you realize you haven’t gone anywhere?

That’s my life right now. LOL

I’m only half-kidding actually, it really appears that way sometimes. It is at such times I guess one needs to stop running, no? I wrote about emotional quicksand once and that’s where I find myself today, so I should take my own advice and roll with it.

Gird your loins, boys and girls! LMAO!

I got home last night, turned on my laptop and promptly fell asleep…

Today? repost…

* * *

-=[ In Praise of Women ]=-

As men, we are conditioned to respond to challenges as a way of growth. As boys, other boys challenge us into inspiration: “I bet you can’t run faster than Flaco.” In the armed forces, you are called a worthless piece of shit, and this insult is supposed to challenge you to be your best ::sigh:: Therefore, as men, we are probably conditioned to challenge others, including our women, in order to get them to grow and improve.

However, if you do this, you will only succeed in getting your woman’s masculine aspect to grow. The divine feminine thrives on support and praise. For example, telling her, “I hope you stop gaining weight,” is a lot less effective than telling her, “I love the shape of your ass.”

I often am accused of being a silver-tongued devil because I use praise a lot. But all my praise, especially when it comes to women, is genuine. Praise always magnifies the radiance of the woman you praise. “You’re so beautiful when you smile,” is much more effective than, “You’re ugly when you frown,” although both indicate a desire for a smile. It is my experience that when it comes to women, it is always better to call the glass half full than half empty. And this is not merely about superficial choices or manipulation. My praise is not intended as a strategy to get my needs fulfilled.

You might say that this should hold for anyone, not just women, but I beg to differ. While it is an effective tool for all, praise is what the feminine essence craves. She opens like a flower when you praise your woman. Praise is like sustenance for the feminine essence. If you truly want your woman to shine, to radiate health and happiness, love and beauty, praise those qualities. Praise her daily, many times.

I often joke that all my women develop more beautiful asses as a result of being with me, because that's all I do is praise their asses. Shit, I've been know to genuflect and pray to a woman's behind! LOL

This is not an easy task for most men to learn, but we must learn to praise the very qualities we feel are least worthy of praise in order for them to become worthy. In less convoluted language, praise the quality which you desire to see grow. If you want your woman to be healthier through exercise, don’t tell her that. It will feel like an insult to her – a rejection of the way she is now. Instead try telling her how sexy she looks when she sweats in her workout tights. Tell her how much it turns you to watch her move her body. Whatever parts of her body you really like, tell her, and tell her often.

Praising the things you enjoy when she exercises will magnify her exercising. On the flip side, telling her she should exercise indicates that she is unacceptable to you the way she is. Praise heals and nurtures. Challenge and subtle condemnation destroys your woman’s feminine essence.

Try it.

Praise specific things about your woman 5-10 times a day.

See what happens...



Monday, January 28, 2008

Monday Madness (Interpreting Dreams)

Hola Everybody,

Listen up: If someone is coming to your page and using my name as a way to gain entry to your blog world, please ignore them and let me know who’s doing it. I’ve had only one friend mention this to me, so I don’t think it’s happening on any kind of scale, but just in case, please know I don’t do referrals.

On another, lighter note, two of my friends posted “Skank Chronicles”: stories of wanton lust – sinful stories of gratifications, meaningless, if delightful, episodes of selfish pleasuring. I will post one or two Friday… LOL!

* * *

-=[ Remembering and Interpreting Dreams ]=-

“For my part I know nothing with any certainty, but the sight of the stars makes me dream.”
-- Vincent van Gogh

Okay, so picture the following. It’s a late weekend night and I’m giving my then wife a synopsis for a book I have in mind. The idea, the characters, everything, is totally blowing her away. I go to sleep and the next day, the ole wifey asks me when I’m going to write that book I was talking about the night before. I don’t remember a thing. All I remember are pieces of a dream about an idea for a book (it was a suspense novel with a clever hook) but I don’t remember talking about it to my wife or any other details about the book. She says it’s impossible. I was lucid and spoke to her for about an hour in a clear manner about all aspects of the book.

I as her if she took notes… LOL

Needless to say, that book is lost somewhere deep in the demented psyche of yours truly.

At the time, I was still in my undergrad studies (applied psych) at NYU, looking to attend Columbia for grad studies the following semester. All during my university days, I experimented with my dreams. In fact, I used to study in my dreams. Some of you may laugh but this is true, I’m not kidding. I was so immersed in my area of study, that the subject inhabited my dreams.

I hardly ever remember my dreams, but I’ve had life-changing dreams. I wrote about one such dream (click here). For me, dreaming is a direct line to where the impossible happens and nothing is without meaning. It’s a clear state of awareness (or can be). It’s been my experience that one can find direct guidance for healing in our dreams, the natural habitat of our intuition. Here time and space as we conceptualize ceases to exist and anything is possible. Our dream world is the canvass upon which our intuition can freely express itself. The only requirement is that we listen.

You are a partner to your dreams. Try to begin an ongoing conversation with them. Look at it as you would consulting a wise doctor or friend who knows you like no one else. You can ask your dreams anything. No question is too trivial if it holds meaning for you. Also, expect answers. Some will be direct, others will require interpretation.

Your dreams can reveal many truths about your life as well as provide extraordinary insights, and give you information that will help your health, love life, and career. You’d be surprised either at the straightforward advice your dreams will yield, spontaneously, or upon request.

Dreams provide answers, but first you must be able to accept them. People always ask me to interpret dreams for them because that’s what many people think of when they of psychology. I don’t do dreams. Dreams are too personal, too full of private and idiosyncratic symbolism for someone to interpret them for you. Besides, one’s theoretical orientation will decide what’s noticed and what’s ignored. A Freudian will see phallic symbols and a Jungian will see archetypes. I’m not discounting psychological theory, merely stating the obvious that no one can interpret your dreams for you, only you can.

I ran into the following suggestions the other day while reading a journal article. I think it has some good suggestions:

· Keep a journal and pen near your bed.

· Write a question on a piece of paper before you go to sleep. Make your request (if you have one) formal. Place it on a bedside table or under your pillow.

· In the morning try not to wake up too fast. Stay under the covers for a few minutes, at least, remembering your dream. Try to get comfortable in that peaceful feeling between sleep and waking, what scientists call the hypnagogic state. Those initial moments act as a gate.

· Upon opening your eyes, write down your dreams immediately. Other wise it will evaporate, believe me. ::grin:: Try to recall a face, an object, color, or scene, feel an emotion. It doesn’t matter if it makes perfect sense. Try to record everything you remember. Try to refocus on the question you asked the previous night when you’re finished

In addition to remembering your dreams, there’s a level of understanding dreams. Intuitive but reliable information stands out in very specific ways. Watch for the following clues:

· Statements that simply convey information

· Neutral parts of your dreams that evoke no emotion

· A detached feeling, as if you were a witness watching a scene

· A voice or person counseling you, as if you’re taking dictation from an outside source

· Conversations from people you’ve never met before

The most valuable intuitions appear as compassionate or have no emotion at all. Try to develop an ability to separate the content of your dreams from your reactions to it. This will help you separate the chafe from the wheat. Finally, be mindful that your dreams go by different rules than your waking life. Prepare yourself for a mindshift. Not even physical laws apply. Shoot, in your dreams you can even fly!



Sunday, January 27, 2008

Happy Birthday Princess

Hola Everybody,
Today is my Princess’ birthday!

Wow! Where do I begin? I have never met Princess in person, but my interactions with her led me to call her princess. One day, I went to leave her a QC on 360 and she was princess and princess she remains.

She’s hilarious, has a wicked sense of humor that’s totally incongruous with that angel’s face. But underneath the jokes and cutting up, there’s a sensitive woman who feels deeply, who has experienced life and yet hasn't allowed that to make her bitter. And then sometimes she’ll leave a comment that unveils an intelligence that broadsides me, takes me for a loop.

It’s no secret I’m sweet on Melissa, what man in his right mind wouldn’t be? Why wouldn't I want to get know this woman better? With eyes of amber that make the real thing pale in comparison, and being smart, funny, accessible, and beautiful would be enough for almost any woman I know. But noooo, she had to take it over the edge, she's also kind and that makes it sooo unfair.

Happy Birthday Princess, wish I were there to serve you breakfast in bed ::grin::

* * *

Nows [no. 13]

You are not more perfect than anyone.

But you have a
fine line of style,

a sharpened sense
of your outer edge...

the changing purposes
and possibilities for
your eyes and your ass.

A master of the passive assault,
you caress me
with your passing glances,
and lure me to adventure
with a smile...

I can never be sure I saw.

-- Edward-Yemil Rosario ©

Saturday, January 26, 2008

Film Noir

Hola Everybody,
As promised, I’ll be spending some major alone time this weekend. I’m taking some time off reading and nessabatin’ to write today’s entry.

Funny thing happened before I left the office last night. I got a call from a former colleague offering me the directorship for one of their projects. Before I could answer, he asked straight out, “How much will it take to bring you on board?” I quoted $20k more than I’m making now, and he offered 15. I paused, was about to tell him good-bye and he asked that I didn’t make a decision until we met.


On another note, it seems the formerly recalcitrant Amy Winehouse will be going to rehab after all. May she have a long and slow recovery.

* * *

-=[ Film Noir ]=-

What I like about you is you’re rock bottom. I wouldn’t expect you to understand this, but it’s a great comfort for a girl to know she could not possibly sink any lower.”
Jane Greer to Robert Mitchum: The Big Steal

A guy down on his luck, hitting the bottle and hiding out from his landlord. A mysterious and beautiful lady appears at his door with a wad of cash for seemingly simple errand to run…

The stereotypical beginning of a classic film noir.

I love film noir. Its use of clipped language and some of the most ingenious use of lighting ever, along with a not so black and white perspective on morality, alone make it a uniquely American art form. I consider film noir the single greatest American contribution to cinema. Many today would agree. However, it wasn’t always like that. Early on, what became known as film noir was mostly a stepchild of cinema. A motherless invention of necessity. During its heyday, which lasted from 1941to 1958, noir films were derided by critics. In fact, the top movie studios usually relegated noir films to B-unit productions and released on the bottom half of double bills.

There were, of course, some exceptions, such as The Maltese Falcon, Laura, and Double Indemnity – all Academy Award nominees; but even these films weren’t spared scathing reviews from the critical community.

You may scoff at my harping on films shot mostly in back and white, but believe me, you have watched many modern-day films directly influenced by film noir. Film Noir has influenced two generations of film makers, including but not limited to Roman Polanski (Chinatown, 1971), Francis Ford Coppola (The Conversation, 1974), Francois Truffant, Martin Scorsese (Taxi Driver, 1976), Spike Lee, Lawrence Kasdan (Body Heat, 1981), Quentin Tarrantino (reservoir Dogs, 1992), and Stephen Frears (The Grifters, 1990), to name a few. In fact, this film movement has carried on, now called “neo noir,” for thirty years.

"I killed him for money — and for a woman. I didn't get the money. And I didn't get the woman."
-- from Double Indemnity (1944)

So what is film noir? Some will say that film noir isn’t a genre like westerns and crime films. Film noir is more about setting and mood. Film noir ("dark film") is a term that French flim critics originally applied to the dark doom-laden, black and white Hollywood crime dramas of the 1940s, which were only seen in French cinemas for the first time shortly after World War II. The French had been deprived of American movies for almost five years; and when they began to watch them late in 1945, they noticed not just a darkening of mood but of subject matter. Long before the term was introduced into the English language, film noir became part of the of the lexicon of French film criticism, with the first full-length treatment of film noir published in French by Raymonde Borde and Etienne Chaumeton. They began to examine the works of noir directors like Nicholas Ray, Robert Aldrich, Fritz Lang, and Anthony Mann.

Americans didn’t catch up with the French appreciation of film noir until a new generation of film enthusiasts entered film schools in the 1960s. This new vanguard rebelled against the established norms of film history and found inspiration in the works of neglected noir classics such as Double Indemnity, Out of the Past (1947), T-MenDetour (1945), Criss Cross (1949), Gun Crazy (1950), Touch of Evil (1958), In a Lonely Place (1950), The Reckless Moment (1949), and Kiss me Deadly (1955). (1948),

Film noir’s roots are deep and diverse. On the literary side, noir borrowed heavily from the works of hard-boiled school of detective fiction written by the likes of Dashiell Hammett, Raymond Chandler, and Cornell Woolrich. Equally influential were the works of Emile Zola and Earnest Hemmingway’s clipped language and poetic prose style was particularly influential, serving as a role model for noir works. It is no coincidence that the works of these writers were the first to be adapted, beginning with Hammett’s Maltese Falcon in 1941, Woolrich’s Phantom Lady (1941), and Chandler’s Farewell, My Lovely (1944), and The Big Sleep (1946).

On the philosophical level, both existentialism and Freudian psychology, already familiar with the American upper middle class, which included the film community, promoted a world view that emphasized the absurdity of existence along with the importance that an individual’s past plays in determining his or her actions. This plays into the two most important themes of noir work: the “haunted past” and the “fatalistic nightmare.”

Noir protagonists are not creatures of the light. More often they are attempting to escape some past burden, sometimes a traumatic incident from their past (as in Detour or Touch of Evil) or sometimes a crime committed out of passion (as in Out of the Past, Criss Cross, or Double Indemnity). Sometimes they are simply attempting to escape their demons created by vague events buried in their past. Whatever their problems, these characters seek concealment in the dark alleys and dimly lit rooms of the noir world.

As much as I like sometimes fatally flawed characters of film noir, I love its artistic contributions. Noir directors were masters of lighting and angle shots. We wouldn’t have music videos if it weren’t for noir. At least not videos as we see them now. They used chiaroscuro lighting, low key lighting in the style of Rembrandt or Caravaggio. Shade and light play with each other not only in exteriors but also in interiors, shielded from sunlight by drapes and Venetian blinds. There’s use of hard, unfiltered side-light and rim light working to reveal only part of a face for dramatic tension.

In addition, noir utilized the camera in innovative ways. For example, odd angles never before used in cinema. Noir directors favored low angles for several reasons. First, this angle made characters rise from the ground in an expressionistic manner, giving them dramatic weight and height. In addition, low angles allowed the viewer to see the ceilings, giving the effect of claustrophobia and paranoia. High angles also cause a sense of imbalance – vertigo – peering down a steep stairwell over a flimsy railing or out a skyscraper building at a city street far below. They were also the first to utilize the moving camera effectively. A camera sliding across the room past a cluttered foreground, or tracking a character through a crowded cafĂ© created a relentless quality and oozed fate.

I could go on and on. I haven’t even touched on noir archetypes (such as the femme fatale, for example), or noir’s depiction of the urban landscape, or its influence on language.

While the thematic treatments, low lighting, off center camera angles, and shadowy, almost claustrophobic atmosphere are not everyone’s cup of tea, film noir is a great body of work that continues to influence film today. For me, there are few pleasures comparable to a rainy weekend holed up somewhere with a lover and a stack of classic film noir works. I encourage anyone to explore what I like to call the “ugly beauty” of film noir.




They Shot Dark Films, Didn’t They?

50 Key Noir Filmmakers

Classic Noir Online comprehensive survey of over 700 noir titles, with links to actors and directors

Friday, January 25, 2008

The Friday Sex Blog [Psycho Magnets]

Hola! Everybody...
Is it wrong for me to want to superman a lady? I’m sayin’! LOL! First, let me wish two of my lovely friends a very happy birthday. Both Emotionalblonde and Lo Mi Ro celebrate their respective birthdays today. May you both know true happiness!

Today’s blog photo is courtesy from a lady wishing to remain anonymous. I feel honored that several women here have entrusted me to respect their confidentiality. This particular woman is an amazing person who strives to be the best person she can be on a daily basis. Plus she has the sweetest looking boobs! Thanks for sharing this part of you beauty, sweetums!

* * *

-=[ The Psycho Magnet Chronicles ]=-

“Never fuck anyone crazier than you, my son.”
-- My Father

When my father gave me the above advice, I was initially overjoyed. After all, there aren’t too many people crazier than yours truly, I thought.

I was wrong.

Really, I was dead wrong.

I’m only half joking when I kid around that I’m a certified psycho magnet. I seem to attract the crazies in a way that makes me doubt my own tenuous grasp of sanity. I have even written poem for the psychos of my past, it starts like so…

A case of Bacardi for the crazy ladies
in the corner of my past,
the hectic, horny days
of yesterday!

They beckon me back
to my forgotten madnesses,
those chest-pounding blackouts
that have grown into story time delights.

Well, that’s a very “poetic” take on those “forgotten madnesses.” I’ve had a really great collection of psychos in my life. There was the spoiled rich girl who wanted me to cut her during sex and who was genuinely proud of the fact that she managed to total three cars in the six-month period we were together.

I had another who actually paid someone to kill me. Or at least hurt me really bad. The problem with her plan was that her hired “killer” was no killer. And everyone thought I was connected with what was a Columbian cartel. I caught him peering into my bedroom window and managed to sneak up behind him! We got high with the money she paid him. LOL!

I believe a large part of this phenomenon had to do with the fact that at one time I wasn’t very selective about who I went to bed with. I mean, who cares? If she’s gotta a nice ass and the “chemistry” is there, we’ll cross that insanity issue when we get to it, right? LMAO! Another part of it is that I’m very accepting of people. I tend to see past the “quirks” (such as cutting behavior, suicidal tendencies, and boundary issues, for example) and see the natural radiance of people. Finally, I think people who have “issues” gravitate to my ability to listen at a deep level. I can’t help it, it’s what I do and empathy is for zanies what blood is for vampires – it’s irresistible. :;grin::

My last psycho “episode” happened with a lovely lady who was my tailor. When I was married, my wife would laugh at me anytime we went to her because, this woman had the most glorious obscenely beautiful ass. She was Russian and a natural blonde. Her face was a bit too blunt, but she had great cheekbones.

My wife would tell me that she liked me, but I never paid her any mind, thinking it was jealousy on my wife’s part. Once I was divorced, my tailor noticed the wifey was no longer in tow and, short story short, we began seeing each other. At first, it was fantastic. She was like a tigress in bed, eager and quick to satisfy all my desires. When she finally propped that delicious-looking ass up in the air and begged me to ream her I was in heaven! I was soooo happy!

Well, you know the deal. At first, she became very clingy, especially after our first anal session. Clingy is a particularly unattractive character trait. I mean, it can be cute up to a point, but normally, clingy tends to repel people. I know, I can be a little clingy myself, but I keep it in check. The clingier she became, the more I distanced myself. The more I distanced myself, the more her clinginess turned to anger. The angrier she became, the uglier the situation became. She transformed from this beautiful sex kitten into a shrew, calling me all kinds of names and questioning my manhood and sexual prowess and then calling me on the phone asking to forgive her.

Eventually the anger turned into full-blown psychosis. I was getting calls at my job, at home and she was turning up in person unannounced at all the wrong times. When I wouldn’t answer her calls, she would leave really ugly messages, like, “Who you’re fuckin in the ass now, you fucking faggot.” LOL! Shit like that. A friend told me I should watch my back.

Finally, I was coming home one day at 5am with a close female friend of mine. Now mind you, this friend is married to a friend and our relationship is purely platonic. I know her for about sixteen years and she’s one of my closest friends. Anyway, she had driven me home after a night of nightclubbing and she wanted to use my bathroom before she headed home, a good hour’s drive from my palace.

Well, you know who was waiting in the lobby of my building, right? At fuckin 5am in the morning! She starting a huge stink, insulting my friend and getting totally out of hand, until my friend offered to fuck her up for me. Of course, none of that happened and I ended up calling the police. My friend still teases me about that night.

She left me alone after that, except for the occasional phone call and I went on with my life. Then one day without thinking, I answered my cellphone and it was her. There’s this psycho edge to the tone of her voice as she tells me how she has found a real man and not faggot like me, and I’m mouthing the words, “Thank You!!!” I fear saying anything lest I encourage her to rethink her romance and then she hanged up.


Any other stories for the “Psycho Magnet Chronicles”? LMAOOO!



PS: Sex is good for you!

Thursday, January 24, 2008


Hola Everybody,
I want to take a moment to recognize someone who I a power of example for me. Whenever I get to feeling sorry for myself, or start thinking my load has become to hard to bear, I go to her page and I’m reminded how petty and trivial I can get sometimes. Believe me, this woman demonstrates a
tremendous spirit everyday, sometimes every second. When even a glass of water sends you into prolonged agony, well… let me just leave it at that.

While I don’t usually tell her this, I have a lot of admiration for her. She lives much of what I merely write about. Lately, Nan’s hit some hard bumps, go by her page and leave her some love (click here).

I had a really deep, totally earth-shattering, insightful ::grin:: blog on states and stages of consciousness prepared, but I ran into an little journal article yesterday that sidetracked me.

* * *

-=[ Heartprints ]=-
“Our purpose is to consciously, deliberately evolve toward a wiser, more liberated and luminous state of being, to return to Eden, make friends with the snake and set up our computers among the wild apple trees.”
-- Tom Robbins, Wild Ducks Flying Backwards

Deep down we all probably know that our true calling is some kind of spiritual evolution. An integration into the Universal Principle, The Godhead, into Love – wtf you want to call it. And yet we spend an enormous amount of energy suppressing that awareness because to make it conscious is to recognize that most of our manipulations, religious dogmas, personal ambitions, and financial plays are not merely counterproductive, but probably trivial. Our mission, whether we recognize it or not, is to do away with the trivial pursuits and take on the responsibility of the infinite, hard-won joy that comes from our psycho-spiritual integration. Or at least get to taste the perfect slice of pizza before we move on. ::grin::

We are now living at a point in time in which the choices we make will either lead us to certain self-destruction on one side and a miraculous evolutionary leap on the other. Sometimes my posts on personal liberation – what I call conscious evolution – make me feel self-indulgent. It’s winter in America and in this prolonged season of violence and war on every level, perhaps concentrating on self-improvement seems a wee bit trivial. But just maybe, taking a step back and looking at the world we have created with a light heart can help us see it more clearly. Perhaps with fresh eyes we can learn to respond more wisely to the crucial choices we have before us.

Do we continue in our trivial pursuits, or do choose to take on the primal and all-important task of sowing the seeds of joy and peace in our hearts, to use the uniquely human gift of reason to come up with meaningful solutions to the challenges that face us, act with wisdom to change the global climate of love. And in case you haven’t noticed, our previous choices have placed us on the ever-increasing endangered species list.

Sure, I know many of you are saying that you would love to have all these things. You want peace, a safer world, and you want to prevent our world from turning into ash. You might be saying that sure, you want world peace, but so does every political candidate and beauty contestant. You might tell me that the problems we face are too large and that nothing you do will make a difference. And my answer to you is damn skippy! I know how that feels. I know the despair that sometimes comes from trying to make a difference. But I’m dense, I will fight to the last, even if I knew my struggle was doomed and it wouldn’t make a difference, I refuse to bend over and take it up the ass without a fight.

Anywaaaaay… (LOL!) I came across these insights and perhaps they can be helpful to you, maybe not…

The first thing we have to grapple with is the possibility that our ideas about money, power, and dogma have outgrown their usefulness. In fact, all this competitiveness, self-righteous warring, in combination with technological advances used in the service to strengthen our status and satisfying our material desires, just might be making matters worse. Interestingly, the Dalai Lama has observed that in spite of tremendous poverty and disease, the people in the Third World seem happier , more peaceful, less stressed out, and less anxiety-ridden than those “more fortunate” citizens of the developed countries.


Perhaps this is a sign that we should be looking for another way of being and doing.

I think the crucial question is, “How am I personally contributing to co-creating the world we live in.” As a mental health practitioner, I know too well true healing comes from a sense of personal accountability. The key to personal transformation comes from self-responsibility.

We can take our cue from the environmentalists. In response to the climate crisis, environmentalists are asking us to re-assess our “carbon footprints,” by living differently and working toward making that footprint eventually disappear.

And this is where the concept of a “heartprint” can help us find answers to out questions. What is a heartprint? According to Karen Truheart, a heartprint is the impression made by every feeling, thought, word, and deed.

At every moment, we are generating heartprints. Anger, fear, ignorance, and hatred make heartprints. They literally leave their mark within us and are picked up by mirror neurons in others and oftentimes acted out unconsciously. They create a ripple effect expanding in ever widening circles. If we don’t feel these destructive emotions deeply, thinking clearly, and using their energy wisely, these heartprints cause much of the world’s pain and suffering, creating the emotional climate we live in. On the other hand, heartprints generated by love, compassion, and kindness, love, understanding affect our inner and outer climate, and we create those too.

According to Trueheart, what we need is an emotional climate change, a shift in the emotional atmosphere. By feeling deeply, thinking clearly, and acting wisely, we can create heartprints for humanity and all life on earth. I realize this sounds like too much for all you reality-TV-watching, too-cool-to-care ma’fuccas. I realize for those who have learned helplessness at a deep level, this may even sound impossible.

Maybe not.

But the dogma and all the trivial shit down for one moment, STFU, and listen… for once.

One of my friends likes to reference butterflies as a defense to the drama he creates. I would like to borrow those butterflies for a moment for use in a different context. Perhaps you have heard of the Butterfly Effect. Actually, she’s another friend. LOL! In scientific Chaos theory, a butterfly flapping its wings in Brazil eventually affects the weather in New York City. Chaos theory recognizes the profound interconnectedness inherent in all existence. A real connectedness on a global scale. In addition, current scientific findings on the neurological basis of social intelligence, there is an emotional equivalent that is called The Heartprint Effect.

Climatologists have used the Butterfly Effect to help us understand our participation in global warming and have shown us how to understand our behavior. By understanding the Butterfly Effect, we can see how small actions like planting a tree, changing a light bulb, or dialing back our thermostats even a little really do make a difference.

Conversely, by understanding the Heartprint Effect, we can begin to internalize our importance to a movement that creates a more peaceful and sustainable world. We can generate our inner light to change our internal climate. And this in turn can create environments that can help others do the same. In other words, drop the Jesus talk and be like Jesus. Be the change you want to see in the world, Gandhi said. Understanding The Heartprint Effect could take something that seems impossible and help make it easier, or at least “doable.”

Think of it, with every movement of our hearts and minds, we contribute to the emotional and mental climate of the world. If you can take this premise as true, then you can make a difference for the better. If our mission is to do away with the trivial in favor of psycho-spiritual integration, then the Heartprint Effect let’s us know that even a simple act of kindness contributes to global change.

Sorry for the long post, today, it’s a challenge sometimes to put all this in one Word document page. For those looking to act, I have listed some resources below. I’ll leave you with the following:

In the Buddhist tradition, compassion is systematically developed through metta mediation. Metta meditation begins with the repetition of the following mantra: May I be kind. May I be peaceful. May I be free from suffering. The point being that you progress through stages so that you’re doing metta for all sentient beings. In traditional practice, a student is not allowed to offer metta for others until the teacher is sure the student can make this offering, not out of need, but from a full and open heart.

Notice what brings you true joy and fills you with peace. Then notice how when you feel this way, your way of relating to the world changes.




Collaborative for Academic, Social, and Emotional Learning – to learn more about social and emotional learning in schools

Dalai Lama Center for Peace and Education – promoting human values and a sense of oneness within humanity

Common Peace – center for the advancement of nonviolence

M. K. Gandhi Institute - inspiring and supporting individual and group efforts to end violence

Alliance for a New Humanity – to join with like-hearted individuals and groups

Mind and Life Institute – to learn more about the science behind The Heartprint Effect

The Network of Spiritual Progressives – an activist group

Humankind - Voices of Hope and Humanity – a public radio project

We the World - forming international networks of collaboration and action

The Heartprint website

Wednesday, January 23, 2008

But for Grace...

Hola Everybody,

I usually stay away from the mindless, mass media-fueled morbid curiosity of our celebrities, but as everyone knows by now, actor Heath Ledger died yesterday. While a conclusive autopsy has yet to be performed, it appears his death was brought on by an overdose of drugs.

I personally think there’s way too much attention being paid to this incident. The sad fact remains that literally thousands of people, old and young, rich and poor, famous and anonymous, died similar deaths yesterday. Many of my readers know of my own struggles with drugs and if you knew half my story, you would swear I’m a walking miracle. Even an atheist would shake her head in disbelief. Trust me...

I believe Mr. Ledger’s death isn’t in vain. His story, tragic as it is, leaves us all message. I realize many people will wonder aloud how such a beautiful young man -- talented, rich, and famous -- could seemingly throw away his life just like that. I think this is a mistake. People assume that happiness can be bought. That if only you hit the lottery or Oprah shills your book, or if you had more money, more talent, lived somewhere else, maybe had more looks, you would then be happy. If only is like state of mind that guarantees dissatisfaction.

And that is the lie.

Nothing outside of yourself can make you truly happy.

If you’re not happy right now, this very moment, then what the fuck makes you think you’ll be happy under other circumstances. In fact, I’m willing to bet my left nut that most of us would become even more unhappy if we were to receive a fraction of the things we prayed for.

No, Mr. Ledger’s death, as tragic as it was, wasn’t in vain. It teaches us all that happiness is not the domain of achievements, glory, adulation, and riches. Those are castles in the air -- fool’s gold. Some of us may look down on Mr. Ledger’s death and judge him. We might observe that he was a fool, an ingrate who didn’t appreciate his gifts. I say that but for Grace there go I. I know what it feels to be empty, or to lack meaning in life. I know what it feels to feel hopeless to the point that death seems like a welcome alternative. I know deeply what it’s like to live a life of quiet desperation, a smile on my face and my heart broken to pieces.

I know what it’s like to howl in pain alone at night and feel no one’s heed.

That kind of pain, dear readers, isn’t assuaged by money, fame, or success. And you all know this. You all have known pain at some time in your life. Perhaps – perhaps you might say you didn’t feel it to the extreme I did, but pain is pain, man. Who’s to say whose pain is more valid? We all lead lives of quiet desperation at some point, at some level we yearn to be understood, to be loved, to be embraced, and accepted. We feel that overwhelming and often unheeded need.

I can’t say with certainty what Mr. Ledger was feeling or what was going through his mind. Perhaps he just wanted to get high and escape the absurdity of a celebrity life gone awry. Maybe he had his own demons. None of us can say for sure. I will say, however, that his was a casualty of a war – the longest war. The war we wage within ourselves as we seek refuge in all the wrong places for all the wrong reasons.

I’m not going to join the bash the Heath Ledger bandwagon, or peek at his dead body and conjecture ruthlessly. I’ll tread softly because I know that I was one of the lucky ones. I did shit that would make Mr. Ledger’s actions pale in comparison, but I remain here – alive – and he passes on. Because of that, I consider him part of my fellowship, part of my humanity, so I will suspend my judgment. Instead, I take a moment to bow my head for Mr. Ledger and all the sick and suffering souls who died and those that still live not knowing that hope, freedom, and happiness exists right here, right now. Let their cries for help be a reminder of the preciousness of life no matter where you are or where you find yourself.



Tuesday, January 22, 2008

Voodoo Economics

Hola Everybody,
I’m just going to point out something I think is obvious, but seems to escape a large majority of the people I talk to these days. It should be self-evident that you cannot disagree with, or have an opinion on something you’ve failed to understand.

You cannot dislike a movie or a book, if you haven’t finished viewing or reading it, for example. How can you dislike or disagree with something you have not taken the time and effort to understand?! You can say that you didn’t like the parts that you absorbed, but you cannot say you don’t like something if you haven’t seen or read it all. Am I the only one who sees the logic in this, or am I missing something? It makes no sense to say otherwise. If you saw only half a photograph or painting, how can you say that you don’t like the work? The only sane thing you can say is that you don’t like the part that you have experienced. Anything else is insanity.


No wonder people still think there are WMDs in Iraq and that we receive a better quality of health care in comparison to other developed nations!! People aren’t using their critical faculties!

With all the recent talk of an “economic stimulus” plan, I thought I would weigh in…

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True Believers and the “Free” Market, pt. I
(Or: The Free Market Ain’t Free, Ma’fuccas!)

“Mass movements are usually accused of doping their followers with hope of the future while cheating them of the enjoyment of the present. Yet to the frustrated the present is irremediably spoiled. Comforts and pleasures cannot make it whole. No real content or comfort can ever arise in their minds but from hope.”

-- Eric Hoffer, The True Believer

People allow themselves to be swept up in larger causes in order to be freed of the responsibility for their lives, and to escape the meaninglessness or misery of the present.

Con men and politicians know this very well and use it to rob you of your hard-earned money. Let me introduce you to the greatest con game ever. It’s so good you have probably voted for this con – and happily. The con, like all great cons, is simple. These con men, all true believers, want to make you true believers in laissez faire capitalism. They would have you believe that if only government would go away, everything would be just fine. Employers would suddenly sprout streaks of benevolence, employees would be enthusiastic, and bureaucracy and its inherent inefficiency would vanish like magic.

Poof! Gone!

Of course, these true believers aren’t troubled by the growing consolidation of multinational corporations or the loss competition that happens when markets aren’t regulated. These modern-day snake oil salesmen would have you believe that society will run best when run by a very small group of elites that always comes out on top. What they sell is what some people call a corporatocracy – the view that an economic elite benefits the working class because wealth will “trickle down” from above to below. I call it fascism, straight and simple.

Ronald Reagan was a true believer. He didn’t understand economics. Actually, some say he didn’t understand much, especially when his Alzheimer’s began affecting him mid way into his second term. Because he had no understanding of economics, the simplistic notions of self-sufficiency and a pioneering spirit appealed to his simple mind. In essence, he asked, “Why should someone want to regulate a business? Wouldn’t it eventually always do what was best without regulation?”

What Reagan and his band of true believers failed to understand was that business will not always do what’s best for society. In fact, the fundamental goal of business – to maximize profits while externalizing costs and liabilities – is often destructive to the public good. This becomes crucially evident when business owners do not live in the same society and culture as their customers. For example, a small business owner can’t run sewage out his door or pay his workers starvation wages because he has to face his next-door neighbor, who’s kid may want to work in his shop.

The same is not true for multinational corporations. Executives of large corporations don’t live in the same society as the people who work for them. As a result, the consequence of unregulated big business and the concentration of wealth in the hands of the few is pollution, worker exploitation, cuts to worker (and consumer) safety, and the giving away of profits to the company’s elite while cutting the wages and benefits to the company’s rank and file.

But these con men would be merely wrong and not dangerous if they didn’t hide their profits-before-people agenda. No one seriously agrees that a government ruled by a small and privileged group is the most stable form of government or that stability and predictability is more important than democracy. So they sell their snake oil in the guise of “smaller government. the snake oil charmers suggest that when workers pool their risk with a private, for-profit corporation to protect personal property, it is a good thing; but when citizens pool their risk with the government to guarantee health care, retirement, and a social safety net, that is (ooooh) “socialism” and should be “privatized.” Simply translated, this con game means one thing and one thing only: you and I get screwed.

I submit that it’s impossible to govern with a government that hates itself. What is at stake today is what kind of society will we choose. Will we choose a society of and by the people, or a society ruled by the fascism of the corporate elite? Will we support a middle class that is the heart of any democracy, or will we let the middle class continue to get screwed?

For more than two-hundred years – until Ronnie, that is – economics wasn’t that hard to understand. Everyone could figure out that when working people have money, they spend it. When extremely wealthy people have money, they save most of it. It’s the spending of money by working people that creates consumer demand. Consumer demand in turn creates business opportunities, and that creates jobs.

In 1981, Ronnie introduced America to the snake oil of trickle-down economics. Also called Voodoo economics by none other than Bush the Elder (until later when he had to please his snake oil con base). In a nutshell, Ronnie’s concept was a reorganization of society so that the wealth of the rich grew suddenly and quickly. The rich, in turn, would use that money to build factories and hire more people, thereby allowing their wealth to “trickle down” to the workers.

This idea of Ronnie’s was new for a democratic society. It had never happened in the history of the world. Of course, history is full of examples of a chosen few hoarding wealth at the expense of the many, but no one had ever said they were doing it because economics justified it. Throughout history, the powerful simply claimed their right and it was off with your head if you disagreed with them. Simple.

Even though voodoo economics had never been tried, Ronnie was able to convince average Americans that it would work, and got it pushed through Congress. In order to implement his voodoo economics, Ronnie slashed top marginal income tax rates on the wealthy (billionaires and millionaires) from 70% to 50% in 1981 and all the way down to 28% by 1988.

The result was disastrous. Rather than create income, the Reagan tax cuts dropped the United States into the greatest debt in the history of the world. Reagan then turned to his friend, Alan Greenspan, who suggested that Ronnie could hide part of the debt by borrowing a few hundred billion dollars a year from the Social Security trust Fund. Reagan followed Greenspan’s advice, which resulted in an increase in the income tax which hit regular guys and gals like you and me harder than the fat cats.

Of course, the rich got richer during the Reagan years. From 1980 to 1990, the income of the wealthiest 5% rose by 25%, while the income of the bottom 40% stayed absolutely flat. This is partly why the wealthy didn’t build factories – there was no significant increase in demand, so why manufacture things that people can’t afford? What happened instead was that the nation’s rich loaned some of their money to the U.S. government (us) so it could pay the bills Ronnie was running up, getting it back over the ensuing twenty years with a healthy dose of interest, paid for by me and you.

I will say, however, that voodoo economics did produce millions of jobs. The problem was that almost all were outside the United States, while at the same time, good U.S. manufacturing jobs vanished. The only accomplishment of trickle-down economics was that it produced a nation of economic losers.

So when you’re listening to all the talk about “economic stimulus” pay attention with the above details in mind. See who’s selling the snake oil and whether you’re really willing to buy the Kool-Aid.




[un]Common Sense