Monday, March 31, 2008

Monday Madness (Mulatto Theme)

¡Hola! Everybody, I spoke to the garden apartment person and we will be signing a contract this week. That’s the good news. The bad news is that I will have to wait until at least June and possibly even more (the current tenants have until September).

I will be in a strategic planning meeting all day.

* * *

In the interest of clarity, there is no biological foundation for race. Racial typing has its roots in, yes, racism and has no scientific grounding. Race is a myth, it is a social construct, meaning that the concept of race
exists mostly because the dominant culture makes it so and because there’s an economic investment in whiteness. I will be posting more on race and culture from a Latino (Afro-Caribbean) perspective soon enough and I will guarantee that I will manage to insult everyone and make a lot you ma’fuccas uncomfortable


In the meantime, read the following. I came across it while reading Claudine Chiawei O’Hearn’s book on biculturalism Half and half: Writers growing up biracial and bicultural. I strongly recommend the book for anyone interested bicultural/ biracial issues.

Yeah, that’s right, imma “Post-latto.”

Variations on a Theme of a Mulatto
[Note: to be read aloud with tongue firmly in cheek]

Standard Mulatto: White mother, black father. Half nappy hair, skin that is described as “pasty yellow” in the winter, but turns a caramel tan in the summer. Germanic-Afro features. Often raised in isolation from others of its kind. Does not discover his or her “Black Identity” until college. At this point, there is usually some physical change in hair or clothing, and often speech, so much so that the parents don’t recognize their child when he or she arrives home for Christmas vacation. (E.g., “Honey, there’s a black kid at the door.”)

African-American: The most common form of mulatto in North America, this breed is not often described as mixed, but is nevertheless a combination of African, European, and Native American. May come in any skin tone, and of any cultural background. Often believe themselves to be “pure” due to historical distance from the original mixture, which was most often achieved through rape.

Jewlatto: The second most prevalent form of mulatto in the North American continent, this breed is made in the commingling of Jews and Blacks who met while registering votes down South during Freedom Summer or at a CORE meeting. Jewlattos will often, though not necessarily always, have a white father and a black mother (as opposed to the more common case, a black father and a white mother). Will also be more likely to be raised in a diverse setting, around others of his or her own kind, such as New York City (Greenwich Village) or Northern California (Berkley). Have strong pride in their mixed background. Will often feel that their dual cultures are not so dual at all, considering the shared history of oppression. Jewlattos are most easily spotted amid the flora and fauna of Brown University. Famous Jewlattos: Lenny Kravitz and Lisa Bonet (and we can’t forget Zo, their love child).

Mestizo: A more complicated mixture, where either the black or white parent claims a third race in their background (e.g., Native American or Latino) and therefore confuses the child more. The mestizo is likely to be mistaken for some other, totally distinct ethnicity (Italian, Arab, Mexican, Jewish, East Indian, Native American, Puerto Rican) and in fact will be touted by strangers as a perfect representative of that totally new race. (“Your face brings me back to Calcutta.”) The mestizo mulatto is more prevalent than commonly believed, since they often “disappear” into the fabric of American society, wittingly or unwittingly passing as that third “pure,” totally distinct race. It takes an expert to spot one in a crowd.

Gelatto: A mixture of Italian-American and African-American, this breed often lives either in a strictly Italian neighborhood if the father is white (e.g., Bensonhurst) or in a black neighborhood if the father is black (e.g., Flatbush). Usually identifies strongly with one side of the family over the other, but sometimes with marked discomfort becomes aware of the similarities between the two sides of his cultures, and at this point, often “flies the coop” and begins to practice Asian religions.

Cultural Mulatto: Any American born post-1967 See Wiggers.

Blulatto: A highly rare breed of “blue-blood” mulatto who can trace their lineage back to the Mayflower [note: you will find many of these among the island-born Puerto Ricans – Eddie]. If female, is legally entitled to membership in the Daughters of the American Revolution. Blulattos have been spotted in Cambridge, Massachusetts, and Berkeley, California, but should not be confused with the Jewlatto. The Blulatto’s mother is almost always the white one, and is either a poet or a painter who disdains her Wasp heritage. The father of the Blulatto is almost always the black one, is highly educated, and disdains his black heritage. Unlike the Jewlattos, the parents of the Blulatto are most likely divorced or separated, although the black father almost always remarries another blue-blood woman much like the first. Beware: The Blulatto may seem calm and even civilized, but can be dangerous when angry. Show caution when approaching.

Negratto: May be any of the above mixtures, but is raised to identify as black. Negrattos often have a white mother who assimilated into black culture before they were born, and raised them to understand “the trouble with whitey.” They will tend to be removed from the white side of the family and to suppress the cultural aspects of themselves that are considered white. Will tend to be more militant than their darker brothers and sisters and to talk in a slang most resembling Ebonics circa 1974. Has great disgust for the “so-called mulatto movement” and grows acutely uncomfortable in the presence of other mulattos. Despite all of this posturing, there is a good chance they have a white lover hidden somewhere in their past, present, or future.

Cablinasian: A rare exotic breed found mostly in California. This is the mother of all mixtures, and when caught may be displayed for large sums of money. The Cablinasain is a mixture of Asian, American Indian, Black, and Caucasian (hence the strange name). A show mulatto, with great performance skills, the Cablinasasian will be whoever the crowd wants him to be, and can switch at the drop of a dime. Does not, however, answer to the name, Black. A cousin to other rare exotic mixes found only in California (Filipino and Black, Samoan and Irish; Mexican and Korean). Note: If you spot a Cablinasian, please contact the Benetton Promotions Bureau.

Tomatto: A mixed or black person who behaves in an “Uncle-Tom-ish” fashion. The Tomatto may be found in positions of power, being touted as a symbol of diversity in otherwise all-white settings. Even if the Tomatto has two black parents, his skin is light and his features are mixed. If we are ever to see a first black president, he will be a Tomatto [Note: this was written in the mid-90s!!!].

Fuaxlatto: A person impersonating a mulatto. Can be of white, black, or other heritage, but for inexplicable reasons claims to be of mixed heritage. See Jamiroqui.

Ho-latto: A female of mixed racial heritage who exploits and is exploited sexually. See any of Prince’s Girlfriends.

The categories go on and on, and perhaps, indeed, they will. And where do I fit into them? That’s the strange thing. I fit into none and all of the above. I have been each of the above, or at least mistaken for each of them, at different moments in my life. But somehow, none of them feel right. Maybe that makes me a Post-latto.




Senna, D. (1998). The mulatto millennium. In C. C. O'Hearn (Ed.), Half and half: Writers growing up biracial and bicultural (pp. 12-27). New York: Random House.

Sunday, March 30, 2008

Sunday Sermon (Decisions)

¡Hola! Everybody,
Today is my friend Jools’ birthday. Always ready with a kind word, forever considerate, kind, and thoughtful, Jools is sometimes like the beautiful presence of nature that, if we’re not careful and conscious, we might take for granted. I never do, though I may not be as quick to respond, I truly appreciate her constant message of kindness. Stop by and wish her a happy (click here). I know she would appreciate it. May you always know true
happiness, dear Jools


Once I finish writing/ posting this, I think I’ll go have some French toast made Challah bread!

* * *

-=[ Decisions, Decisions ]=-

“A man had an itch on his ass.
He scratched his head.
The itch never went away. ”

-- Ajahn Chah

How much time do waste in our lives worrying about problems that really are beyond our control. But have you ever stopped to think a problem implies a solution. If there is no solution, then it isn’t a problem, it’s something else. Perhaps we can call such a predicament life? LOL For surely there sure is no “solution” to life. The way I see it life is a predicament meant to be lived not solved.

Still, there are problems with solutions and a problem with a solution needs a decision. The issue then is how do we go about making the important decisions in our life?

One way I see a lot is that we try to get someone else to make the decision for us. That way, if something hits the fan, we can blame someone else. One hot summer day, I was outside my friend’s apartment waiting for over 45 minutes for him to come down. Every Friday, a large group of us gets together after work and goes en masse to dinner and sometimes to party. There I was hot and sweaty, waiting yet again for my friend. He does this all the time, I thought to myself as I called and he assured me he was on his way down. I was starting to get pissed off and then it hit me! Why was I waiting? He wasn’t forcing me to wait; I was making that decision to wait. I walked away and I never waited for my friend again. Well, not really, sometimes I would wait for him, but more often than not, if he wasn’t on time, I went my merry way (with my friend usually running behind me).

Sometimes decisions aren’t so clear cut as with the situation with my friend. Sometimes when we come to a crossroad, we are unsure which direction to take. It is in those moments that the best strategy to adopt is to stop for a moment, take a break, and wait. Usually, when we are least expecting it, a sign will appear. Sometimes the sign is like a huge bus with big bold lettering indicating its direction. Other times, the signs are much more subtle. Whatever the case, there is always some form of guidance if we sit down long enough to listen for it. And some buses are for you to take, but if the destination doesn’t suit you, you wait for another one to come.

What I am saying is that when we have to make a decision and we are unsure, we need to take a break and wait. Sure, we are often faced with predicaments that scream for immediate action, but even then, if you can cultivate an inner quality of stillness, we will hear it when a solution comes.

That’s how I try to make my decisions. I try my best to gather all the information and when a good solution comes along, I grab it. And a good one always comes along, if I’m quiet enough. Patience is definitely one of my better qualities, but after having spent virtually all my adult life suffering the consequences of impulsive decisions, I think I have earned the right to slow down a wee bit. For a long time I suffered from a particularly virulent form of the “fuckits” and I have the scars to prove it.

Stopping, taking the time to breathe, applying skillful reflection, will often result in a good solution. Oftentimes, when you’re not thinking about it.



Saturday, March 29, 2008

"They spoke to me... "

¡Hola! Everybody,
I’m working this weekend.

I was offered another apartment yesterday. This one is rent stabilized and I can move into it immediately. However, it’s a crazy commute and it’s not as nice as the garden apartment (which is walking distance to work). The expense will come out the same (garden apartment is utilities included), but I have to wait until June for the garden apartment. Decisions, decisions…

The following was written many years ago, but I still find it relevant and I wonder how a young man could’ve written such words…

* * *

Yesterdays [no. 2]

They spoke to me in words always clear,
offering those timeless personal messages.

Clichés back to back,
a thousand punch lines strung together
like beads of wisdom, requiring no reply

never needing answers.

Why was it that I could never thank them
in their own tongue?

A dialogue with an answering machine
is all they ever offered me.

They came barging into my head
whenever it pleased them
but I could return their visits
only by an invitation
that never arrived.

Edward-Yemil Rosario ©

Friday, March 28, 2008

The Friday Sex Blog [Sexual Anorexia]

¡Hola! Everybody,
The weather is slowly changing and the days are getting longer. Soon (May/ June), I’ll be situated in my garden apartment and all will be well with the world once again.

Have a great weekend, people!

* * *

-=[ Sexual Anorexia ]=-

The other day, while researching for the sex blog (yes, I do shit like that), I came across the term, sexual anorexia. I was intrigued by it that I decided to post on this little-known phenomenon. Reading through several case studies, I kept getting “Aha!” moments. I believe I have observed this behavior in more than a few women, by the way, though I have come across a few men who seem to suffer from it. Most people hide behind the term “celibacy” but I think there’s more to it than that.

Sexual anorexia is an obsessive state of mind in which the task of avoiding sex dominates one’s life. Similar to self-starvation with food or compulsive dieting or hoarding with money, sexual deprivation can make an individual feel powerful and protected against emotional pain.

As with any other obsessive/ compulsive state of mind, such as those brought on by substance abuse, eating disorders, or any other addiction process, the fixation on the avoidance of sex can seem to wipe out life’s problems. The obsession can then become a way to cope with all stress and all life difficulties. Yet, as with other addictions and compulsions, the costs are great. In this case, sex becomes a stalker, something to be continually kept at bay, even at the price of destroying a part of oneself. The irony is that sexual abstinence is a form of sexual addiction.

In one case study, a woman described her 20-year relationship with her husband as “dead.” She felt they had a marriage in name only: they did all the right things and went through the motions of having a relationship, but there really was no intimacy and no relationship. She and her husband never talked and most importantly, they almost never expressed or demonstrated their feelings. She had often thought of leaving the marriage but according to her, she stayed because she felt “stuck” in a meaningless marriage.

This individual was also a recovering co-dependent and defined herself almost exclusively through her family and work. She saw herself as a Christian woman and that not to take care of others was selfish and un-Christian. One of the ways that she took care of her husband was to “service” him sexually -- to have sex when he wanted to even when she found it repulsive to and difficult to do so.

She rarely, if ever, enjoyed sex, yet she felt that this was due to her own inadequacy and she hid it from her husband because she didn’t want to make him feel inadequate. She faked orgasms to add to his own pleasure. In addition, being a co-dependent, she was never honest about her feelings and tended to control herself and others, especially in the area of sex.

The couple never communicated about their sexual relationship or non-relationship, so both suffered under the delusion that it was normal, if unsatisfactory.

As she worked on her recovery from co-dependence, she realized her need for approval from others left her without a sense of self and she began to change things. As she began to define herself on her terms, her focus shifted from control to working on herself. In the process, she began to reclaim herself and saw that that much of her focusing outside of herself to try to change others was part of her disease. She was able to become assertive enough that she was able to say no when she didn’t feel like having sex.

Eventually she discovered that she was obsessed with sex. She thought about sex constantly. She found it disgusting, filthy, dirty, and repulsive. Most of her time was focused on how to avoid sex with her husband. She even hinted at becoming a workaholic in order to avoid sex.

She wanted to appear sexual and attractive to men, but she did not want to be sexual. She might even be considered a sexual tease. Whenever men would approach her, she immediately sexualized the interaction, certain that they wanted only one thing. In effect, she was afraid of men, afraid of sex, and deeply terrified of her own sexuality.

Sexual anorexia has been used as a term to describe a lack of desire for sex. However, the term is better defined as a fear of intimacy to the point that the person has severe anxiety regarding sex. A good example are people that seem to have a sexual addiction because they frequent strip clubs, prostitutes, cyberporn sites, etc., but actually fit the definition of sexual anorexic because they are terrified of having any kind of relationship beyond a paid-for or anonymous experience.

In actuality, the individual does not have an aversion to sex but to intimacy. A sex addict is more likely to be capable of being in a more intimate relationship and is often married or in a committed relationship when deciding to get treatment for their addiction. A sexual anorexic may have a social phobia or be so fragile emotionally that the risk of rejection or criticism is far more terrifying than being isolated.

While this form of sexual addiction may not be as dramatic as sexual acting out, there is no question that the pain and suffering are just as real. A sexual anorectic affects all of his or her relationships. Their obsession with and phobia of sex that they cannot intimately relate with men or women.



PS: Sex is good for you!

Thursday, March 27, 2008

Relationship Thursdays [Honesty and Trust in Relationships]

¡Hola! Everybody,
My blast song (on 360), You Will Know, by Stevie Wonder, is probably one his less-known compositions, but it has to be one of his best…

* * *

-=[ Honesty, Trust, and Relationships ]=-

“You will know
Troubled heart you’ll know
Problems have solutions
Trust and I will show”

-- Steveland Wonder

I was considering dropping the “Relationship Thursdays” because in looking back, it would seem that I’m projecting this aura of a “relationship guru” and I am far from that. Trust me, I will fuckin’ drive you crazy in a heartbeat. I am insecure, possess little impulse control, stubborn, moody, and sometimes I can be downright mean. In addition, I break rules, often cross boundaries, and suffer from what I call “Relationship Tourrettes”: that embarrassing tendency to do and say things that I later regret.

Yup. I’m a prize, ladies, so line up! LOL!

I guess I post on relationships because I see so much wrong going on in the world in the name of love and relationships. Plus, my page hits get increase on Thursdays (and Fridays! LOL!).

I would have to add in my defense, I do have a few worthwhile qualities. Not many, just a few. Life with me would be one of discovery and you will definitely experience a lot of intellectual stimulation. I like to think I’m a considerate, passionate, and experienced lover. I will make you laugh a lot, and sometimes you will feel as if you’re the only woman in the world when you’re around me. While all that might sound good, the only thing I can say with complete confidence is that I am honest. I’m not talking about the “Gee, honey, your ass is too big” honest. That really isn’t honesty, it’s sadism. A woman pointed out to me once that there’s a difference between being honest and honesty and I have to agree. The honesty I try to live is about me being as transparent as possible. I’m talking about honesty that engenders trust and for me trust is everything. In terms of relationships, nothing is more important than trust.

Nothing – not love, nor “attraction,” nor any of that other bullshit. Trust is all.

That’s my one card, that I am trustworthy – I can be trusted and I develop that trust through my actions, my life’s direction, and the consistency between what I say and what I do. To me it’s interesting that many women would rather I be “normal” (i.e., not be clingy or psychotic *grin*) than trustworthy or honest. Sure, many women blah blah blah about trust and honesty, but that’s just talk. Very few people even know what trust is. For the most part, the women I have known see trust in a selfish light. They have no clue what a genuine trusting relationship entails.

I’m not making a judgment call here; I’m stating an observation.

A few years ago, I shared office space with this wonderful woman. She was married, but she and I developed a unique and close friendship. And what was really cool was that her husband actually supported our friendship. She was an avid mountain climber and I used to think that shit was crazy. One day, she convinced to accompany her on a trip. I had no intention of rock climbing, being a city boy, I thought it would be a nice change to go into the country for a weekend.

Of course, she convinced me scale this fuckin’ wall and it was an exhilarating experience! I think rock or mountain climbing is an apt metaphor for relationship. I had to trust in her knowledge and ability and she had to trust that I wouldn’t shit in my pants, panic, and cause us both to fall. In the same way, becoming intimately involved with another is an adventure in which two individuals work to bring together their needs, goals, and desires and to maintain the balance needed to keep the relationship intact.

I’ll stretch the analogy even further and state that as the relationship deepens in involvement – as the climbers go higher up – the risk associated with depending on another increases. At first, the level of interdependence becomes more intense and the stakes to be lost increase. In addition, it become clear that the efforts of neither partner alone can achieve the balance needed to maintain the relationship. A solo climber is a foolish or dead climber, and either partner loses their grip both will plunge to the floor beneath.

My analogy highlights the important elements in understanding the relationship between trust and risk. Everyday we make decisions in our relationships: decisions to commit further or withdraw, what course of action to take in the face of a conflict, to make use of an opportunity or to let it pass by.

Oftentimes, these decisions are difficult and full of risk, in the process forcing us to face our fears and hopes when it comes to depending on another for our needs to be met. In the same way that mutual trust enables climbers to conquer the mountain, it provides the crucial foundation from which relationship partners can confidently approach the task of making decisions. This provides the explicit contract of commitment to good intentions that makes everything else run smoothly.

A woman once asked me, “What can I do to make this better for you?” It blew me away. All my anxieties about the relationship and the decisions I was contemplating disappeared. Her question told me explicitly that she was there with me and that she was willing to move the relationship forward. Unfortunately, that relationship was stillborn – it never worked out because I felt the values she expressed weren’t in line with her actions, but it was still a powerful thing to say.

This brings me to matter of how to build trust in a relationship. I’ve mentioned one when I related the story of the woman’s question me: responsiveness. Responsiveness is acknowledging a partner’s disposition. In other words, feelings of security are strengthened when a partner’s actions are geared toward a person’s particular needs. For example, when that woman asked me what she could do to make it better, it signaled to me a special consideration of my needs and preferences. Sometimes by choosing to put aside his or her own preferences in order to satisfy those of the other, a partner demonstrates genuine care about the person and is fundamentally motivated in the relationship.

There are other factors in building trust in relationships, of course. There’s dependability, which is the most fundamental way in establishing trustworthiness. A trustworthy partner is one on whom you can depend, who can be relied upon time and time again, to act honestly and with consideration.

There’s also the all-important capacity to resolve conflict in a manner that doesn’t neglect a person’s needs or jeopardize the relationship. If there is a sense of confidence in the couple’s ability to resolve conflict, the trust grows. I think that the belief that it is safe to depend on the integrity and compassion on the other’s motives is essential to conflict resolution. If I have that, we can conquer the world, let alone our conflicts.

Finally, there is faith. Faith in this sense means a sense of closure with a lot of emotion in it: there is a sense of closure regarding the partner’s trustworthiness and the future of the relationship. Faith in this sense is connected to an individual’s view of the partner of that takes in the good with the bad. That is the extent to which a partner can come to terms with a partner’s faults.

I guess women need a lot of “faith” when it comes to yours truly. LOL!



Wednesday, March 26, 2008

The Odd Case of the Squeaking Vajayjays

¡Hola! Everybody, I can’t help it, the internet doesn't seem the same without my patented ::smooches:: littered all around. I go to post a comment or QC and my fingers, muscles trained to perform the intricate series of keystrokes, twitch. I have to face it, I'm addicted to my own ::smooches:: and I’m in denial.



the following post is somewhat of a tradition here at the [un]Common Sense Blog. A long with spring comes the startling discovery...

* * *

-=[ The Odd Case of the Squeaking Vajayjays ]=-

“The most perverse form of sexual deviancy is abstinence.”

Ahhhh... the promise of Spring!

True, I become less focused, more prone to indulgence, and all other forms of ho’ing, but this time of year, with its connection to rebirth and beginnings, holds so much attraction for me. With the exception of Yvette, the third on the list of Rosarios, we were all born in the Spring. In fact, my mother actually gave birth to three Gemini men, and Darlene, the second oldest (I’m the oldest), barely missed it, her birthday coming May 17th. In our youth, our combined birthdays became an excuse for constant partying, since our birthdays fall on consecutive weeks, culminating with mine on June 6th (hint: please don’t buy gifts, but anonymous, edgy sex is always welcome! – females need only apply, thank you!).

Which brings me to my topic today, namely sexual abstinence and its consequences. But before I get there, please excuse a minor digression here. As much as I love to complain about winter, there is something to be said about living in a temperate zone and the changing of the seasons. You see, as hedonistic as I’m prone to be in warm and hot weather, I probably would not last long in a tropical zone, where I would most likely try to literally fuck my brains out. Shit, all there has to be here is a hint of warm weather and the women come out in full force, showcasing their “assets” after a long hard winter.

Sheeesh! Youse guys are mean!

Whatever… things have gotten so hectic and the clothing so scarce these days, that I swear I can almost smell the shaving cream as scantily clad wenches pass me by, the hint of a grin on their smug and pretty faces. Yeah, you know how to hurt a guy! And yes I’m single, but you know how that goes: I could be starving to death and not one maiden would pay me any mind – more than likely she would step over, or around, my body on their way to work without giving more than a cursory look. Of course, let me get a girlfriend and they’ll be all over me like the proverbial white on rice. Shoot, I should revert to wearing a wedding ring, that always works. ::snicker::

Which finally brings me to my topic today: the consequence of the sexual deviance known as abstinence. First, I have to give props to some of the ladies here in that they have developed the resolve not to give in to the erotic impulse (at great cost, of course). Well, at least that’s what women like to say, you never know the real deal, but I’ve observed women I know taking a more assertive stance on the sex issue and I applaud you all for that (yeah, right: blah blah blah!).

I think we’ve all heard by now of the seven-year government study that actually showed that teens who pledge abstinence (or who take abstinence-only sex courses) not only get the same amount of STDs as other teens, but are six times more likely to engage in oral sex, and the boys are four times more likely to get anal action.


I guess, depending from what perspective one looks at it, this is either a great argument for or against abstinence-only sex education. I mean, I wish the Christian nut jobs campaigning for such programs would’ve been more effective when I was in school! I wasn’t getting any anal action from the girls while in high school.

Great idea, by the way: tell teens not to fuck! LMAO! I will tell you this, while I was in my 20s I dated a young lady who claimed to be a virgin and she was really ok with oral sex and eventually anal sex with me. She wanted to keep her hymen intact for her wedding night, she would proudly beam. I stayed with her for a lonnnnng time…

On another note, there is an unintended consequence for adult women practicing sexual abstinence: a huge spike in a little known disease that affects only adult women, vaginal atrophy. Yes, you read that correctly: vaginal atrophy. This is a degenerative affliction in which womens’ genitalia atrophy from consistent lack of proper use.

Dr. Hughes Jourdaedy, lead investigator for a top government research arm says, “It’s unfortunate, but one of the consequences of prolonged sexual abstinence for adult women is that they lose vital functioning in their vagina which has led to what could be a very embarrassing symptom: vaginal squeaking.”

Another leading authority in the field, Dr. Yah Tah-Oosa, a researcher from Taiwan, explains, “It’s the age-old truism: if you don’t use it, you lose it.” She explains further, “The reason why vaginal squeaking has become more prevalent today, is that women mistake the use erotic toys as an adequate substitute for penile penetration when in fact, our research shows that masturbation actually exacerbates the squeaking” (emphasis added).

Fuck?!! Squeaking vaginas?!! come to think of it, I’ve actually heard vaginas squeak, but I thought I was experiencing auditory hallucinations. The other day, a woman was hurrying by me and she was squeaking like a rusty bike and when I stared at her, she tried to affect an indignant look, trying to place the blame on my shoes, but my shoes don’t squeak, ma'am, thank you very much.

A good friend called me the other day despondent over her squeaking. She was a little embarrassed at first, but since she knows I keep up to date on cutting edge medical journals, she confided: “It’s gotten to the point where it’s becoming unmanageable,” she told me between sobs. “Just the other day, a group of high school kids followed me half way down the block yelling ‘Squeaky’”

Another friend related her tragedy: her new boyfriend left her because he was totally turned off by the sound her legs made when he attempted to spread-eagle her, “He said I sounded like a rusty gate!” she cried. I just didn’t have any words of consolation for her.

Well, boys and girls, I guess the moral of the story, if there’s any moral to be had here at all, is that perhaps God is getting even with us for denying and repressing something that is part of our divine essence, part of our human legacy: being sexual creatures.

Have a great weekend and please (!!) do something about that squeaking!



Tuesday, March 25, 2008

Victims of Love

¡Hola! Everybody...

Today, I’m reposting something I wrote a while back on codependency. It’s largely adapted from the work of Robin Norwood, who wrote Women who Love too Much. I cannot recommend this book enough.

* * *

-=[ Codependency: Victims of Love ]=-
Make your own recovery the first priority in your life.
-- Robin Norwood

I have to admit some uncomfortability in writing today’s post. The uncomfortability comes from writing on a topic that affects mostly women and, as a man, I feel an awkwardness. However, codependency does not affect women only – there are many men addicted to relationships. In addition, cultural shifts in recent decades have seen a corresponding shift in the way men and women fall into dysfunctional relationship patterns.

If I were to attempt to reduce gender roles to two specific questions (always a dangerous thing). I would say that the essential questions for men are “Do I fuck it, or do I eat it (or does it eat me),” while the essential question for women is “How do I relate to it.” It is this essential approach to life that somehow contributes to women’s susceptibility toward co-dependence, in my opinion.

Avoidance of pain and codependency go hand in hand because codependence is an addictive behavior that attempts to do just that: avoid pain. In the process of avoiding pain, what generally happens is that a lot of suffering is generated. I believe that there are forms of attachment that we confuse for love. The psychotherapist, Robin Norwood calls it “loving too much,” but I can’t call this form of attachment love, because it’s not about love, but mostly about fear and clinging.

If being in love for you means being in pain, then you are not in love, you’re codependent. When most of our conversations with friends are about our significant others, his/her problems, thoughts, and feelings… and nearly all our sentences begin with “S/he… ,” we are not in love, we’re codependent.

When we find excuses for his/her moodiness, bad temper, cruel sarcasm, and attempt to become his/ her therapist, we are not in love. If we read a self-help book and highlight all the passages we feel would help him/ her, we are not in love, we’re codependent.

If we find ourselves not liking his/ her basic characteristics, values, and behaviors, but we put up with it thinking that if we make ourselves more attractive and loving enough s/he’ll change for us, we’re not in love, we’re co-dependent.

When we allow our relationship to jeopardize our physical and emotional health, and perhaps even our safety, we are definitely not in love.

In spite of all the pain and dissatisfaction, codependency is such a common experience for many people that we begin to believe that it is the way that intimate relationships should be. Most of us have excused codependency at least once and for many, it has been a recurrent theme in our lives.

Addiction is frightening word that brings up images like the heroin addict sticking a needle in his arm, leading a path to certain self-destruction. Most of us don’t like the word and will resist any attempt at applying the word to the way we relate to our significant others. But so many of us have been “man/ women junkies” and before we can free ourselves, like in addiction, the first step is to admit the problem before we can begin to recover from it.

If you ever have found yourself obsessed with a man/ woman, you may know intuitively that the foundation for that obsession is not love but fear. We who love obsessively are full of fear – the fear of being alone, the fear of being unworthy or unlovable, the fear of being ignored, abandoned, or destroyed. We give our love because it is a desperate hope that the man/ woman with whom we’re obsessed with will take care of our fears. What happens instead is that our fears – and our obsessions – become even stronger until giving love to get love back becomes the driving force in our lives. And because this strategy will never work, we try – we love – even harder.

The cycle continues…

The concept of co-dependency has its roots in the treatment of addicts and is understood as a set of thoughts, feelings, and behaviors. An interesting finding on preliminary research conducted in this area is that while not all patients grew up in troubled families, their partners nearly always came from severely troubled families in which they had experienced greater than normal trauma/ stress and pain. By struggling to cope with their addictive mates, these partners were unconsciously recreating and reliving aspects of their childhood.

I think it’s worthwhile repeating my initial statement here: I don’t mean to imply that codependency is a “female” phenomenon, but due to the interplay of social conditioning and biological factors, men generally try to find external ways to avoid their pain. We try to protect ourselves through external ways: work, sports, drugs, hobbies, etc. While for women, because of cultural forces working on them, tend to become obsessed with relationships – often with a damaged and distant man. These cultural forces have shifted somewhat, so you will find more men relationally addicted and more women seeking external means of avoidance.

Below I have listed characteristics of a person who is in the process of recovering from codependency (adapted from Robin Norwood):

  1. S/he accepts herself fully, even while wanting to change parts of him/ herself. There is a basic self-love and self-regard, which s/he carefully nurtures and purposely expands.
  2. S/he accepts others as they are without trying to change them to meet her needs.
  3. S/he is in touch with her feelings and attitudes about every aspect of her life, including her sexuality.
  4. S/he cherishes s every aspect of herself: her personality, her appearance, her beliefs and values, her body, her interests and accomplishments. S/he validates him/ herself, rather than searching for a relationship to give him/ her a sense of self-worth.
  5. Her/ his self-esteem is great enough that s/he can enjoy being with others, especially members of the opposite sex, who are fine just as they are. S/he does not need to be needed in order to feel worthy.
  6. S/he allows herself to be open and trusting with appropriate people. S/he is not afraid to be known at a deeply personal level, but s/he also does not expose herself to the exploitation of those who are not interested in his/ her well-being.
  7. S/he questions, “Is this relationship good for me? Does it enable me to grow into all I am capable of being?”
  8. When a relationship is destructive, s/he is able to let go of it without experiencing disabling depression. S/he has a circle of supportive (not “enabling”) friends and healthy interests to see him/ her through crises.
  9. S/he values her own serenity above all else. All the struggles, drama, chaos of the past have lost their appeal. S/he is protective of him/ herself, his/ her health, and well-being.
  10. S/he knows that a relationship, in order to work, must be between partners who share similar values, interests, and goals, and who each have a capacity for intimacy. S/he also knows that s/he is worthy of the best that life has to offer.

I write the above as a person in recovery, who knows exactly how we fall into these relationship patterns because it has been part of my own history. So I write this from a foundation of my own experience and my research. I put it out here for you, the reader, to use or not use – it’s up to you.



Monday, March 24, 2008

Monday Madness [Friendship]

¡Hola! Everybody,
Yeah, it's Monday, but I was born on a Monday, so it can't be ALL bad!

I had this mind-blowing post in the works today, but I had something personal and very important to me come up and I wanted very much to address it.

I’ve been running around like a lunatic for the past week or so and it happens that I’m lashing out at those closest to me, which doesn’t really work well for my relationships and puts me in a bad light. The bad part is picking up the mess after.

Never a dull moment!

Anyway, you’re stuck with the following, written a couple of years ago...

* * *

"Friendship and community are, first of all, inner qualities."
-- Henri J. M. Nouwen

Real friendship begins as an inner quality or attitude before it can be expressed outwardly. As a young man, I wasn’t careful about who I chose as companions because I always thought I was too fiercely independent to be affected by others. Not true... Oh yeah, I was independent enough, but the power of the group should never be underestimated, my friends.

My father used to tell me “If you hang around the barbershop long enough, you will eventually get a haircut.” I didn’t fully understand what he meant at the time, but he was expressing an old truth about “birds of a feather... ” For Puerto Ricans it’s “Dirme con quien anda, y te dire quien tu eres... ”

As a young teen at 14, I sought friendship and popularity as a way of validating myself because I felt small inside. My response was to create a persona I thought people would like: humorous, crazy, charismatic, outrageous, fashionable. It worked! During high school and after, I was one of the “popular” kids, becoming part of the “in crowd” setting trends, and defining an experience. To this day, I still get people I don’t recognize coming up to me as if I know them.

But this all came at the price of losing my true self. Moreover, staying popular was work -- there are rules, you know. Eventually, I would break all those rules, but by then I was too popular to escape the popularity. Breaking the rules became part of my mystique -- the basis for even more popularity!

LOL!!! Ahhhh... to be young...

Today I realize how fortunate I am because I can count many, many true friends. People who have been there for me through the years in good times and bad, who tell me what I need to hear rather than what I want to hear, and who accept me as I am -- a deeply flawed but loving man. These are people who help me be me, and not just the “celebrity” Eddie who is fun to be with, and who does and says outrageous things, but also the introspective -- dare I say even shy(?!?!) -- Eddie who cares deeply about the world.

Truth be told, I like to say I’m a “people person” but I’m really not. I’ll never forget the day my mother turned to me while we were watching the Jack Nicholson movie, As Good as it Gets, and said, “That’s you!!!” -- referring to the Jack Nicholson character. Not the obsessive/ compulsive part about the germs, but the character’s penchant for saying and doing things everyone else is only thinking. LMAO! I could be mean at times. Today, I like myself a lot better than I used to, but there is a dark side lurking in here somewhere.

But to get back to my point: it is through relationships and community that we create and recreate ourselves. If we can create a space, both psychological and “real,” in which we can accept ourselves in a community or web of relationships that will accept us also, anything is possible. Ever notice how sticking to an exercise program is easier if you have a partner? Imagine building a community like that -- where the participants involved encourage you to be the “best person you can be” on a daily basis and accept you when you fall short (and you will). Some people are quicker to latch on to the negative and create a Jerry Springer-like atmosphere. These very same people are the first to point out the pathetic quality of such an atmosphere, but the true irony is they are the perpetrators. They define themselves in terms of negativity. It’s all they know.

I am fortunate, I belong to a group of men and women who love me for me and who encourage me to realize who I am. The thing is that we can all do that, every moment of the day. Whether you are stuck in a traffic jam or walking down the street, this kind of life exists only as a possibility until you grab the opportunity by the throat and decide to be part of this insane world.

True friendship should exist as a mutual feeling of admiration, unconditional love, and a desire for fellowship. It should exist without demand. Sure, there are times some of my friends “fail” me in my expectations of them, but they’re human too -- they are bound to disappointment me! LOL Shit, I sure ain’t no walk in the park.

The important thing is whether we can love each other unconditionally and without malice. Maybe one more aspect about friendship is to accept another’s friendship without trying to change him or her. that’s always an obstacle because sometimes our feelings make us believe we want one thing over another...



Sunday, March 23, 2008

Sunday Sermon (The Resurrection)

¡Hola! Everybody...
I would like to thank all the people who were kind enough to inquire about my sister. I’m happy to say she’s doing well and recuperating from her operation, which turned out well and it seems her growth was benign. Thanks again for everybody who expressed concern and offered support. You really don’t know how much that meant to me.

Today's blog art is by the great Salvador Dali. I can't find an image of it, but Dalí made a gift to the men’s prison in lieu of a personal appearance there. He was supposed to give an art class to the inmates in 1965 but canceled due to illness. He donated the then new gouache-ink-and-pencil sketch, specifically “For the dining room of the Prisoners Rikers Island”, as he inscribed it. And he sent some encouraging words for the boys: “You are artists. Don’t think of your life as finished for you. With art, you have always to feel free.”

It was stolen by correction guards in 2004 and is believed to have been destroyed.

* * *

“Woman, why are you weeping?”

-- Jesus to Mary Magdalene (John 20:15)

Earlier in my life, I refused to go to funerals. I simply wouldn’t go. On one level, I didn’t want to see my loved ones garishly made up lying in some casket. I have seen many, many people leave this existence. Most of the people I was raised with are dead or dying. I grew up in a violent world and some were taken in the prime of their lives. On another level, I didn’t want to come face-to-face with death. Especially death warmed over as I used to call funerals in mainstream US culture.

I didn’t like funerals. Didn’t like death…

So I never went.

Then one day, I was shopping with a lover and she picked out a dress she loved so much she said, “This is the dress I want to be buried in!” We laughed about it. She was young and beautiful, full of life. She was the Bonnie to my Clyde, committing crimes of life in that devil-may-care way only the foolish and young can justify. We didn’t last long together, less than two months, but we created so much drama in one another lives that we would become forever attached. Years later, after all had been done between us, she died in my arms.

People have a habit of dying around me.

When it came time to make preparations, her sister confided in me that she knew what dress to bury her in and when I saw it, it cut me deep because it was that very same dress we picked out that day so many years before. When I told her sister, she smiled because my former lover was serious about being buried in that dress and had told her sister. I wasn’t planning on attending her funeral, but her sister insisted.

I am not a practicing Christian. I don’t accept Jesus, or anyone else, as my savior, nor do I believe in a literal translation of the Bible, Old or New. However, I do think that some of the teachings attributed to Jesus of Nazareth are beautiful and sublime. My personal belief, borne of experiences and investigation, is that the core teachings of Jesus were corrupted for personal and political gain. Thomas Jefferson held similar views and he wrote a version of the Gospels, now known as the “Jeffersonian Bible.” In it, he extracted the parts he felt were contradictory to the core message of hope and love of the Nazarene. And believe me, there’s lots of contradiction in the Gospels.

When Jesus finds Mary Magdalene crying at the door of the tomb, he says to her, “Woman, why are you weeping?” As I see it, Jesus wasn’t asking a rhetorical question. He wanted to know why we worry and sob and fret when hope is underneath everything, if we could just tap into it.

For me, Easter is about liberation, and it’s especially meaningful for a person like me who sometimes feels chained to moodiness and negativity too much of the time. The celebration of the resurrection is a chance for us to acknowledge Jesus’ message of hope and in so doing, grab the hope that is already there.

Anyone else notice that of all the people he showed himself to, it was the women first? In fact, of all the women, it wasn’t his mother, but Mary Magdalene to whom Jesus appeared first. I don’t take Jesus’ resurrection literally, but there is a message there that resonates with my own life. Jesus’ life, like mine, was a redemption song. And like Jesus, it was the women in my life who tended to me – tended to me through my own passage to a new life. Maybe this is saying something about the Feminine Principle and how far we have moved away from that healing force. For me, this was no accident of the Gospels. Jesus appeared to Mary Magdalene because she, more than nay other disciple, believed in him. All those other bums, betrayed and denied him, didn’t they? ::grin::

When I cried at my ex-lover’s funeral, it seems as if I cried for all the loved ones I had never said good-bye to – the one’s whose funerals I didn’t attend. It was as if all that loss I was holding on to came out like a river. It was one the most liberating experiences in my life. I read somewhere the other day that the opposite of loss is finding. It’s a deceptively profound statement.

Grief is what we add on to loss. It is a learned behavior, specific only to some cultures. It is neither unavoidable nor universal. In some Buddhist cultures, for example, you will never see someone cry at a cremation. Their cultural perspective on death is one of acceptance in a way foreign to Western theories of grief and loss.

Similarly, when Jesus appeared to the disciples he asked, “Why are you troubled?” Jesus says to the disciples in Luke’s gospel when he appears to them after his “resurrection.”

My Buddhist practice has slowly transformed my view of grief – has actually opened the door for me to see that there’s an alternative to grief. It’s not that grief is wrong, only that there’s another possibility. Loss of a loved one can be viewed in a second way, a way that avoids the long days of aching, sometimes crippling grief.

Over the years since my ex-lover’s death, I have attended many funerals and have had two others die in my arms. I rarely cry at funerals now, because I understand death differently today. A monk once explained it to me in simple terms. “Have you ever been to a concert and experience the shouts of ‘more!’ coming from the audience when it came time to end?” he asked. “Usually, the musicians will play one or two encores, but eventually they have to pack up their gear and leave. I’ve experienced this many times and when I’m going home, I usually reflect on how great the music was and how lucky I was to have been there. I never felt grief at the end of a concert.”

And that is exactly how I experience death today. I see it as if a magnificent concert had come to an end. I revel in the wonderful performance. I was there shouting loudly, “More!” when it came to end the performance. My loved ones struggled to stay alive a little longer, but eventually they had to let go – they had to pack up their instruments and “go home.” Today, I choose to see instead what magnificent lives my friends and loved ones led. What powerful inspirations they were in my life. What shining powers of example. I reflect mostly how fortunate I was to have been in their lives to witness their glorious and beautiful power. Today, I walk away from funerals feeling a lot like I do after watching a great performance – exhilaration -- I wouldn’t miss it for the world.

Grief is seeing only what has been taken away from you. The celebration of a life is recognizing all that we were blessed with, an expressing that gratitude. When I die, and we all will die sooner or later, I hope this is what people will feel for my own performance and that people will celebrate life and not just mourn death.

Whatever your belief, this has to be part of the message of the resurrection, whether you understand it as literal or not. That the concerts of our lives continuing reverberating and in that way create more life. That our lives are never ended, but live in our deeds and actions.



Saturday, March 22, 2008

The Third Body...

¡Hola! Everybody,
It should come as no surprise that it is when things become most challenging that we are compelled to apply the work – walk that walk. A couple of people have pointed out that I am not myself these days, and they are telling a truth. I guess now is the time to apply the principles I live by even more intensely. There really is no other option, is there?

I love the following poem because it speaks so eloquently of the core of relationships. When you share feelings and intimacy with another, it’s like giving birth to a child – a third body sort of speaking. And that third body is the manifestation of the relationship…

Today's Bog artwork, Intimacy III, is by the Malaysian artist Eng Tay

* * *

A Man and a Woman Sit Near Each Other

A man and a woman sit near each other,
and they do not long
at the moment to be older, or younger,
nor born in any other nation, or time, or place.
They are content to be where they are,
talking or not talking.
Their breaths together feed someone whom
we do not know.
The man sees the way his fingers move;
he sees her hands close around a book she hands to him.
They obey a third body that they share in common.
They have made a promise to love that body.
Age may come, parting may come,
death will come.
A man and a woman sit near each other;
as they breathe they feed someone we do not know,
someone we know of, whom we have never seen.

-- Robert Bly

Friday, March 21, 2008

The Friday Sex Blog (Dick Kung Fu)

¡Hola! Everybody,
I would like to take a moment and wish the very beautiful, intelligent, and classy Diana (aka “I’m probably the one ya want”) a very happy birthday.
Diana is one those women that just makes me grateful I was born a man! DANG! She’s one of those that got away... LOL Stop by and wish her a happy (click here)

Much Love and Happiness, Lady Di!

Today’s blog photo comes courtesy of Anna (aka Naughty She Devil), one the sexiest women on 360. Period! Anna is a prime example of a naturally sensuous woman in her sexual prime comfortable in her sexuality. Plainly speaking, Anna makes me horny every time I look at her photos. Whew!

* * *

-=[ Dick Kung Fu ]=-

Popular mainstream depictions of intercourse are almost always of the mattress spring-squeaking, in-and-out variety that leads to fast ejaculation and little satisfaction for either partner. One has to realize that proper thrusting is essential for a truly pleasurable lovemaking experience, ejaculatory control, and overall sexual healing and health. First off, one should wait until the woman is highly aroused before intercourse. In the colorful language of the Taoists, a couple needs to wait until the woman’s pot is boiling before the man puts his carrot and peas in. Otherwise, they will have soggy sex and his carrot will quickly go limp. LOL

When most people think of intercourse, they think in terms of being “in” or “out.” for Taoists and Tantric practitioners, who mapped out the pleasure and reflexology points of the penis and the vagina, there are many different depths and directions for the man to thrust and pleasure himself and, even more important, his partner. These crucial points correspond with the organs and glands of the body, which are energized and healed by rubbing.

You should experiment with various depths and directions. In the interest of making today’s post simpler, think in terms of three basic thrusts: shallow thrusts, long deep thrusts, and short deep thrusts.

Taoists recommended that men (or women, when they are on top) vary the type of thrusts they use. When used synergistically, the deep thrusts push the air out of the woman’s vagina and create a vacuum that can be intensified by using shallow thrusts. As long as the penis does not come out completely, the vacuum effect is maintained.

The recommended thrust combination was nine shallow thrusts and one long deep thrust as a basic rhythm or nine short deep thrusts and one long deep thrust. The long deep thrusts are highly pleasurable, but also make it hard for a man to control his ejaculation. The short deep thrusts are deeply satisfying to the woman while not being overly stimulating to the man. As a man learns to control his ejaculation, he becomes multi-orgasmic and the thrusting ratio can be lessened to six or even three shallow or short deep and then one long deep. The most important thing is to find a regular rhythm that you enjoy and the experiment with depth, direction, and speed.

The Thrusts

· Shallow Thrusts: These serve to stimulate the highly sensitive first two inches of the woman’s vagina, and depending on her position, her G-spot.

· Long Deep Thrusts: These are deep thrusts in which the man pulls back almost to the entrance of the woman’s vagina between thrusts. These are the thrusts usually depicted in the media and pornography. They are highly stimulating for both partners, as the man pushes and pulls the head of his cock along the whole length of his partner’s vagina.

· Short Deep Thrusts: There are thrusts in which the man stays deep in the woman and stokes back and forth. This stimulates her clitoris (with the pressure from his pubic bone) and the back of her vagina while not stimulating the head of the penis as much.

If the man is experiencing maintaining an erection, of course the long deep thrusts are good for resolving this problem. And the fact remains that at some time or another every man experiencing difficulty having an erection when he wants one. This is what sexual therapists call “situational impotence.” In these situations, it is essential for men to be knowledgeable with the Soft Entry technique (which I won’t get into at this point). In ordinary (often-mediocre) sex, men enter hard and exit soft. In Tantric and Taoist practices, a man can enter hard or soft and exit hard.

I have found the short deep thrusts extremely useful in ejaculatory control and very effective when a woman is reaching orgasm and wants my cock deep inside of her. Using this thrust, I can pleasure my lover without risking losing my ejaculatory control.

Depth, Direction, Speed

It’s important to vary the direction and speed of the thrust in addition to varying depth. While the following is addressed to the man, it can also be adapted by the woman when she is on top. Please remember that the most important part of lovemaking is to be in your body, not inside you head. Don’t get lost with over concern about thrust and lose the pleasure of the thrust itself.

It’s interesting that in English we describe intercourse as screwing, but in actuality many couples don’t actually “screw” each other. In other words, they don’t rotate their bodies in circles. While most people consider the term vulgar, when it is actually done it can be sublime in its pleasure. Instead of simply thrusting forward and pulling back, you can instead “screw” your hips or, even better, your sacrum in half circles, first on side and then on the other.

Experienced lovers the world over have discovered the importance of using one’s pelvis during lovemaking. The hips are good, but according to the Taoists, it is the sacrum that really controls the penis for the man. To find your sacrum, place the palm of your hand at the base of your spine with the tip of your longest finger in the valley of your buttocks. Underneath your palm is your sacrum (now: please wash your hands! LOL). This form of screwing has the potential to keep you connected in pleasure for an extended period of time. To use the language of the Tao, a nail (going in straight) comes out easily, but a screw (circling) stays for a long time.

Okay, that’s enough for today. I’m giving away too many secrets!



PS: sex is good for you!


[un]Common Sense