The Friday Sex Blog [Happiness Sex]

Hola! Everybody...

OK! Normally, I ignore most of what evolutionary psychology has to say because they are utter pan-adaptationists. Some have even used this proclivity to “rationalize” rape and other seriously fucked up behaviors. However, I couldn’t let this one go... 

Seminal Antidepressant

 Or: Why Swallowers are Happier

Most of my female readers are probably familiar with the McClintock effect, also known as the “dormitory effect.” It’s the discovery of the phenomenon wherein the menstrual cycles of women living in close quarters tend to synchronize. This phenomenon has been observed in women living together. It has been found in roommates, close friends, and most strongly between mothers and daughters. It has also been noted in mice, hamsters, and rats. It  has been suggested that ovulation (the process of releasing an egg from the ovary) is socially regulated and this leads to what is called menstrual synchronicity. In other words, women who live together will have their periods at the same time (there's even a FB page dedicated to this effect).

A couple of researchers developed an interest in the psychological properties of semen as a result in their exploration of menstrual synchrony. Gordon Gallup and Rebecca Burch, evolutionary psychologists from the State University of New York, had stumbled onto data showing that, unlike heterosexually active women residing together, sexually involved lesbians failed to show evidence of the “McClintock effect.” Since olfactory signals (called pheromones) are known to mediate menstrual synchrony, the authors found this peculiar.

They wanted to know what it was about heterosexual females that promoted menstrual synchrony, or conversely what is it about lesbians that prevented menstrual synchrony. It occurred to them that one feature that distinguishes heterosexual women from lesbians is the presence or absence of semen in the female reproductive tract. Lesbians have semen-free sex.

Gallup and Burch hypothesized that chemicals in human semen affect female biology in such a way that women who have condomless sex literally start to smell different from those women who do not -- or at least, their bodies emit the pheromones that neurologically imprint menstrual cycles among cohabitating women. Gallup and Burch quickly discovered that although much was known about basic semen chemistry, virtually nothing was known about how these chemicals might influence female biology, behavior, and psychology.

It has been known for a very long time that the vagina is an ideal route for drug delivery. An impressive vascular network surrounds the vagina: arteries, blood vessels, and lymphatic vessels abound, and -- unlike some other routes of drug administration -- chemicals that are absorbed through the vaginal walls have an almost direct line to the body’s circulatory system. Taking this into consideration, Gallup and Burch surmised that, as with any artificially derived chemical substance, semen might also have certain chemical properties that affect female biology.

Bear in mind that although they are often erroneously mistaken in everyday language, “semen” is not the same thing as “sperm.” In fact, only about 1 to 5 percent of the average human ejaculate consists of sperm cells. The rest of the ejaculate is referred to as “seminal plasma.” So in discussing the chemical composition of semen, it is the plasma itself, not the spermatozoa, that is at issue. 

It turns out that, in fact, that semen has a very complicated chemical profile, containing over 50 different compounds (including hormones, neurotransmitters, endorphins, and immunosupressants) each with a special function and occurring in different concentrations within the seminal plasma. The most conspicuous of these compounds is the bundle of mood-enhancing chemicals in semen. There is much good in my jism, it seems. These include, but are by no means limited to, cortisol (known to increase affection), estrone (which elevates mood), prolactin (a natural antidepressant), oxytocin (also known as the “love chemical” which elevates mood), thyrotropin-releasing hormone (another antidepressant), melatonin (a sleep-inducing agent) and even serotonin (perhaps the most well-known antidepressant neurotransmitter).

Given the composition of semen, and this is just a small sample of the mind-altering drugs found in human semen, Gallup and Burch, along with psychologist Steven Platek, hypothesized that women having unprotected sex should be less depressed than suitable control participants. To investigate whether semen has antidepressant effects, the authors rounded up 293 college females from the SUNY-Albany campus, who agreed to fill out an anonymous, written questionnaire about various aspects of their sexual behavior. Recent sexual activity without condoms was used as an indirect measure of seminal plasma circulating in the woman’s body. Each participant also completed the Beck Depression Inventory, a commonly used clinical measure of depressive symptoms.

Now, I think you know where I’m going with this, right? LOL 

The most significant findings from this 2002 study was that sexually active (non-condom-using) women also showed fewer depressive symptoms than did those who abstained from sex altogether. By contrast, sexually active women, even really promiscuous ones, who used condoms were just as depressed as those practicing total abstinence. In other words, it’s not just that women who are having sex are simply happier, but instead happiness appears to be a function of the ambient seminal fluid pulsing through one’s veins.

My ding dong, dear ladies, is a happiness drug dispenser! LOL I’m kidding! Let me add that similar studies looking into oral and anal sex (heterosexual and homosexual) resulted in similar findings. This lends credence to my assertion that “spitters are quitters.” Sorry, I just can’t help myself, the jokes write themselves here. LOL

So! What do we get from all this (aside from the realization that you can call me for some serotonin uptake)? Well, that in addition to suffering some muscle atrophy you might also experience some depressive episodes if you’re not getting your fair measure of semen. Don’t you just love it?!! Actually, the study is plagued by a number of methodological issues, but I had to grab onto it. LOL I also am not suggesting depression isn't a serious issue, I'm just having a little fun. One highly respected surgeon, however, lost his job for making similar jokes.

Well, that’s it for today, boys and girls! Remember: sex is good for you!

My name is Eddie and I’m in recovery from civilization… 

References

Bering, J. (2010 September 22). An ode to the many evolved virtues of human semen. Scientific American, 31, 289-293. (here)

Gallup, G. G., Jr., Burch, R. L., & Platek, S. M. (2002). Does Semen Have Antidepressant Properties? Archives of Sexual Behavior, 31(3), 289-293. (here)

What Really Matters [Laughter]

Hola mi gente,

There is no greater reward than sharing. No gadget, no toy, nothing glittery will save you from yourself. I believe life’s greatest challenge is being able see the suffering in the world and still commit to living with compassion, humor, joy, and a lot of laughter. For this is what really matters.

Laughter

It is impossible for a truly grateful person to be sad for an extended period of time.

Because a large portion of my work involves the brain/ mind, I consume a lot of research, especially new research from the field of neuroscience. I love it when this research confirms my experiences. For example, I came across these few important facts about laughter…

Research shows that when you laugh from the belly, you breathe in six times more oxygen than normal. Some experts estimate that twenty seconds of laughter is equal to twenty minutes of cardiovascular exercise. Usually something is funny as well, which is its own reward. In fact, laughter stimulates the euphoria centers in the brain, the same ones that light up over sex (or chocolate).

Scientific studies have been done on the “vocalization” and “burst rates” of laughter, discovering that, cross culturally, the most constant consonant of laughter is “h.” Most of us go, “ha ha,” or “hee hee,” “ho ho,” or “heh heh.” the researchers also found that no one laughs with mixed consonants, as in “ha, fa, la, ca, kee, po… ”

Anthropologists now believe that the human laughter, “ha ha,” evolved from the rhythmic sound made by other primate species when tickling and chasing each other in play. The make a sound like “hooh hooh.”

Primates like to tickle each other, and one scientist has determined that the first joke ever made was the fake tickle, when the gesture to tickle is made but withdrawn before contact, as in “Ha ha. Fooled you.”

Here’s hoping that you have much to laugh over and that you commit to sharing that bounty and laughter with people not just inside your insular bubble, but to an ever-expanding network of relationships.

My name is Eddie and I’m in recovery from civilization… 

Your Horrible-Scope

Hola mi Gente,

For anyone interested, I will be part of a panel, Electoral Politics and Legislative Reform: What’s Possible, at the Beyond the Bars conference at 4:00 PM, this coming Saturday. The conference itself is always an amazing event. You should check it out (click here).

Today’s post is in recognition of all you ADHD ma’fuccas with challenged attention spans. LOL

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Your Horrible-scope

Create a new bedtime story for someone you love and imagine you have a guardian angel that looks like me. Teach your pet to dance. Recreate your life-story using hand or sock puppets and some five-year-old as your director. Make believe you’re an ancient Thunder King or Woman-Warrior Queen. Go to the mall and sing New York, New York at the top of your lungs while scratching your genitals. Be sure to watch Reality TV with your third eye. Drink holy water blessed by a really smart teen-aged girl. Always remember that you are The Chosen One (and so is everyone else).

My name is Eddie and I’m in recovery from civilization… 

What Really Matters [Laughter]

Felicidades…

I’m hearing people talk about the gifts they’ve received and I can’t shake the knowledge that one-third of all children in the US are homeless.

One third.

And you’re posting FB/ Twitter updates about all your gifts? I dunno, man, something isn’t correct…

There is no greater reward than sharing. No gadget, no toy, nothing glittery will save you from yourself. I believe life’s greatest challenge is being able see the suffering in the world and still commit to living with compassion, humor, joy, and a lot of laughter. For this is what really matters.

* * *

It is impossible for a truly grateful person to be sad for an extended period of time.

Because a large portion of my work involves the mind, I consume a lot of research, especially new research around neuroscience. I love it when this research confirms my experiences. For example, I came across these few important facts about laughter…

Research shows that when you laugh from the belly, you breathe in sex times more oxygen than normal. Some experts estimate that twenty seconds of laughter is equal to twenty minutes of cardiovascular exercise. Usually something is funny as well, which is its own reward. In fact, laughter stimulates the euphoria centers in the brain, the same ones that light up over sex (or chocolate).

Scientific studies have been done on the “vocalization” and “burst rates” of laughter, discovering that, cross culturally, the most constant consonant of laughter is “h.” Most of us go, “ha ha,” or “hee hee,” “ho ho,” or “heh heh.” the researchers also found that no one laughs with mixed consonants, as in “ha, fa, la, ca, kee, po… ”

Anthropologists now believe that the human laughter, “ha ha,” evolved from the rhythmic sound made by other primate species when tickling and chasing each other in play. The make a sound like “hooh hooh.”

Primates like to tickle each other, and one scientist has determined that the first joke ever made was the fake tickle, when the gesture to tickle is made but withdrawn before contact, as in “Ha ha. Fooled you.”

Here’s hoping that you have much to laugh over and that you commit to sharing that bounty and laughter with people not just inside your insular bubble, but to an ever-expanding network of relationships.

Cheers,

Eddie

How the Birthers See Obama's Birth Certificate

Yup...

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B-I-N-G-O!

(click to enlarge)

The Friday Sex Blog [Vaginal Atrophia]

¡Hola! Everybody…
Looks like Spring has sprung! The following is sort of a tradition here at the [un]Common Sense Blog…

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-=[ The Odd Case of the Squeaking Vagina ]=-

The most perverse form of sexual deviancy is abstinence.

Ahhhh... the promise of Spring!

True, I become less focused, more prone to indulgence, and all other forms of ho’ing, but this time of year, with its connection to rebirth and beginnings, holds so much attraction for me. With the exception of Yvette, the third on the list of Rosarios, we were all born in the Spring. In fact, my mother actually gave birth to three Gemini sons, and Darlene, the second oldest (I’m the oldest), barely missed it, her birthday falling on May 17^th. In our youth, our combined birthdays became an excuse for constant partying, since our birthdays fall on consecutive weeks, culminating with mine on June 6^th (hint: please don’t buy gifts, but anonymous, edgy sex is always welcome! -- females need only apply, thank you.).

Today the temperature threatens to hover near the 70s and as the temperature rises, the clothing covering the skin of the beautiful women of New York decreases. I swear: I can almost smell the shaving cream as scantily clad wenches pass me by, the hint of a grin on their smug and pretty faces. Yeah, you know how to hurt a guy! And yes I’m single, but you know how that goes: I could be starving to death and not one maiden would pay me any mind -- more than likely she would step over, or around, my body on their way to work without giving more than a cursory look. Of course, let me find a girlfriend and they’ll be all over me like the proverbial white on rice. Perhaps I should revert to wearing a wedding ring, that always works. ::snicker::

Okay! My topic today? The consequence of the sexual deviance known as abstinence. First, I have to give props to the ladies who have developed the resolve not to give in to the erotic impulse (at great personal sacrifice, of course). Well, at least that’s what women like to say, you never know the real deal, but I’ve observed women I know taking a more assertive stance on the sex issue and I applaud you for that (yeah, right: blah blah blah).

I think we’ve all heard by now of the seven-year government study that actually showed that teens who pledge abstinence (or who are exposed to abstinence-only sex courses) not only get the same amount of STDs as other teens, but are six times more likely to engage in oral sex, and the boys are four times more likely to get anal action.

Dang!

I guess, depending from what perspective one looks at it, this is either a great argument for or against abstinence-only sex education. I mean, I wish the Christian fanatics campaigning for such programs would’ve been more effective when I was in high school! I wasn’t getting any anal action from the girls back then.

Great idea, by the way: tell teens not to fuck and keep them ignorant about sex. I will tell you this, while I was in my 20s I dated a young lady who claimed to be a virgin but she was really OK with oral sex and eventually anal sex with me. She wanted to keep her hymen intact for her wedding night, she would proudly beam. I stayed with her for a lonnnnng time…

On another note, there is an unintended consequence for adult women practicing sexual abstinence: a huge spike in a little known disease that affects only adult women, vaginal atrophia. Yes, you read that correctly: vaginal atrophia. This is a degenerative affliction in which women’s’ genitalia atrophy from consistent lack of proper use.

Dr. Hughes Yurdaedy, lead investigator for a top government research agency says, “It’s unfortunate, but one of the consequences of prolonged sexual abstinence for adult women is that they lose vital functioning in their vagina which has led to what could be a very embarrassing symptom: vaginal squeaking.”

Another leading authority in the field, Dr. Yah Tah-Oosa, a researcher from Taiwan, explains, “It’s the age-old truism: if you don’t use it, you lose it.” She explains further, “The reason vaginal squeaking has become more prevalent today, is that women mistake the use erotic toys as an adequate substitute for penile penetration when in fact, our research shows that masturbation actually exacerbates the squeaking” (emphasis added).

Fuck?!! Squeaking vagina?!! At first I was somewhat skeptical but upon further reflection, I’ve actually heard vaginas squeak, but I thought I was mistaken or experiencing auditory hallucinations. The other day, a woman was hurrying by me, squeaking like a rusty bike and when I stared at her, she affected an indignant look, staring pointedly at my shoes (as if they were to blame), but my shoes don’t squeak, ma'am, thank you very much.

A good friend called me the other day despondent over her squeaking. She was a little embarrassed at first, but since she knows I keep up to date on cutting-edge medical journals, she confided: “It’s gotten to the point where it’s becoming unmanageable,” she told me between sobs. “Just the other day, a group of high school kids followed me half way down the block chanting, “Squeaky! Squeaky! Squeaky!”

Another friend related her tragedy: her new boyfriend left her because he was turned off by the sound her legs made when he attempted to spread-eagle her, “He said I sounded like a rusty gate!” she cried. I just didn’t have any words of consolation for her.

Well, boys and girls, I guess the moral of the story, if there’s any moral to be had here at all, is that perhaps white Jesus is getting even with us for denying and repressing something that is part of our divine essence, part of our human legacy: being sexual creatures.

Have a great weekend and please (!!) do something about that squeaking!

Love,

Eddie

Thinking Allowed

¡Hola! Everybody...
A little bit of humor…

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-=[ Thinking Allowed ]=-
Or: Thinking Aloud

Quick! Stash away your brain. Yes, you know that gelatinous matter between your ears? I know you don’t use most of it (the unused 90% is higher for teabaggers). However, the editors here at the [un]Common Sense Blog have discovered that your brain is illegal. The U.S. government has criminalized the chemical compounds of peyote, even though one of them, dopamine, is a primary neural transmitter in the human brain. Our brains also produce anandamide, a substance that’s nearly identical to THC, the active ingredient in marijuana.

::watches disdainfully as some fools set their brains on fire::

So much for the “they hate us and our freedoms” view of Islam. According to my computations (not really) more than 1.2 billion Muslims live under democratically elected governments, and there is a steady movement towards democratization, civil rights, and political freedom in many other Islamic nations (click here for source).

And this here from our “Good News/ Bad News” department: The U.S. Air force has complied with the Environmental Protection Agency’s ban on ozone-destroying chlorofluorocarbons (CFCs). It has removed CFCs from the cooling systems of ballistic missiles that carry nuclear warheads. “If they are ever fired,” Access to Energy reported, “there will be an environmentally friendly nuclear holocaust.”

At last! A man I can admire. A blind German clairvoyant named Ulf Buck claims he can foretell people’s future by feeling their naked buttocks. I’ve been trying to tell women this all my adult life! Believe me, if I can feel your naked buttocks, sweetie, I will definitely be able to tell your immediate future (“I see you experiencing a refreshing soreness and deeply felt sense of surrender in the near future.”)

From our historical department comes the following gem: The first humans to arrive in Hawaii were led by “wayfinders.” These miracle workers navigated uncharted seas by reading star positions, discerning weather patterns, and interpreting the ocean’s colors and movements. Shoot, I know some families can’t make it to Disney world with a map without killing each other along the way! More than seven centuries before a few European men dared to sail beyond the safe boundaries of their known world, entire Polynesian families crossed the vast expanses of the Pacific Ocean in, yup, catamarans.

I’ve been reading again, folks. Yup. In his book The Naked Woman, best-selling author/ biologist Desmond Morris (The Naked Ape), takes us beyond the G-spot. He says that in addition to the G-spot, women have three other highly sensitive erotic zones in the vagina. He calls them the A-Spot, C-Spot, and U-Spot (more to come at a later sex blog).

From our “subversive acts” files: a few years ago, members of the Barbie Liberation Organization sneaked into toy stores and swapped the voice boxes of 300 GI Joe and Barbie Dolls. Boys who later purchased the plastic soldiers were shocked to hear the toys make comments such as, “I like to go shopping with you,” while the girls who came to own the mutated Barbies heard commands like, “to the front lines, men!” (click here to view video)

Finally, our crack research team (really a Dominicana with a great ass!) came up with the following morsel: In her book, A Natural History of the Senses, Diane Ackerman observes that in many cultures the word for kiss means smell. “A kiss is really a prolonged smelling of one’s beloved, relative, or friend,” she writes. “Members of a tribe in New Guinea said good-bye by putting a hand in each other’s armpit, withdrawing it, and stroking it over themselves, thus becoming coated with the friend’s scent. Other cultures sniff each other or rub noses.” Now, before you get all culturally myopic on me, please note that my preferred manner is to put my hand in the crack of your ass while I’m kissing you and then smelling my hand.

I lurrrrve the baby powder!

Love,

Eddie