Why I'm Single

Hola Everybody,
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People sometimes ask me, Why are you single? LOL There isn’t a simple answer to that, though complications never stopped me from attempting anything. So! Here goes...

The Single Life

(Or: The Man Your Mother Warned You About)

Let me clarify right off the bat that I’m not attempting to justify or defend my “singledom.” I am single mostly because it is how I choose to live -- it’s a conscious lifestyle choice. Contrary to conventional wisdom, there are many, many advantages to being single.

A little history... I’ve been single for most of my adult life primarily because I never viewed being in a committed relationship as a priority. I didn’t grow up idealizing the conventional wife-2.5-kids-house-picket-fence thingee. And yes, I liked to have fun and during my earlier years attempted to have as many sexual and casual relational experiences as possible. I am only making an observation when I state that I have experienced a lot. More than the norm. One friend accused me of reading to many Penthouse letters.

So strike off at least 20 years to simply being a slut -- mostly. Not a “player.” I was never a player. I am too introspective or conscientious for that. I am not cruel in the sense that I would intentionally hurt others in my quest for gratification. More accurately, I was a hedonist with philosophical tendencies. LOL!

(I’m having fun here, but I suspect there will be a price to pay.)

So! That’s how or why I was single for most of my adult life. But why am I single now, you ask?

Well, the reasons are many. I am currently unemployed, so I couldn’t blame you of you observed that being broke is not an attractive look. But I was single when employed and earning a decent wage. So that's not even a minor reason.

In any case, one reason might be that there’s a large segment of women who will have nothing to do with me because of my past. I have a past and “bohemian” doesn’t even begin to describe it. I’ve been many things at different times in my life, many of them not attractive to the more conventional types (or any normal person, for that matter). As a consequence, my past serves to marginalize me. I’ve been everything from an active addict to (make-believe) pimp, to criminal, to scam artist to... well, you get the idea. In a way, I am the man your mother warned you about. And no, whatever rumors you may have heard, I have never thought it was cool to fuck my girlfriend in the ass and then leave her. I’m kidding!

 

I’ve met many women who have balked because of my past. And that’s OK, really. I am open and honest about who and what I was and if you can’t accept that, it really doesn’t pain me. Good luck and before you close the door (gently please), take as your parting gift that ultimate prize -- the last word. Summed up, there are women who won’t have much to do with me because I’m the Gangster of Love or some bullshit like that.

I am probably old enough to be your father but my outlook is young in nature. I love to laugh, to flirt, to have fun. I have seen more ugliness than even my tired eyes could ever tell you, but I’m still utterly fascinated and awed by life. I am curious to the point of distraction and I enjoy exploring new ideas and questioning beliefs (yours and mine). I mention all this because I think these attributes are both an attraction and a turn-off. For some, my attitude spell, “Danger” or at the very least immaturity. I’m still the one who will point out the Emperor (or hostess) has no clothes when everybody else knows discretion is the better part of valor. I sometimes get that side-eye look from women. You know that look that says, “You’re trifling... ” or something like that. Women lacking an evolved sense of humor won’t get me. So! There’s also  that.

But here’s the primary reason why I’m single. I am single because when I commit, I commit completely and fully, I don’t play around. When I open my heart, there are no conditions.

No ifs, ands, or buts.

I take relationships seriously when I do commit that means getting out of my comfort zone. And I guess if you’re with me the one promise I can make it that there’ll never be a dull moment. And, believe me, that’s not always a good thing.

I’ve met too many women who claim to want intimacy, but whose idea of intimacy is really me doing what they want me to do. Or their idea of intimacy is an intimacy that’s only about holding hands and doing the touchy-feeling thing. To me, that’s not intimacy, it’s a caricature of intimacy. Intimacy, for me at least, is about opening up and becoming fuckin' vulnerable in a way that’s oftentimes very scary. Intimacy demands complete, utter surrender. No holding back, giving it all even when you’re too afraid. It’s really about taking a huge chance in the face of the overwhelming evidence of past hurt and betrayals. And let me tell you: there aren’t too many willing to be like that and I’m too fuckin' old to play house.

So there, that’s my story and I am sticking to it!

My name is Eddie and I’m in recovery from civilization…

The Friday Sex Blog [Escape from Intimacy]

Hola Everybody,
I think we need more stuff like this:

The Clap-Off Bra from Randy Sarafan on Vimeo.

LOL!

You know the drill: if it’s Friday, it’s all about sex… 

Intimacy & Relationships

Ahhhhh… Intimacy, the brass ring of coupling.

I’m going to be confrontational today and say right off the bat that most people wouldn’t know true intimacy even if it bit them on the ass. In fact, most people don’t want genuine intimacy, they want their needs met; that’s a horse of a different color, folks.

And I say this fully aware that I am a man writing about intimacy in a sexual context and that many women would perceive that as an impossible situation. LOL! In addition, I don’t even own a cat and probably have no business pontificating about relationships in the first place.

However, I have found that what people term intimacy is in actuality a distorted (perverted?) notion of genuine intimacy. Contrary to the stereotype, men have no monopoly on the fear of intimacy. Women also fear intimacy, though perhaps in different ways than men. The same goes for emotions. Contrary to popular belief, women aren’t more emotionally aware than men, they just [mis]handle them differently. Emotional indulgence, just as its opposite -- emotional aversion -- does not equal emotional intelligence.

I have been mostly single by choice for about 15-16 years. This is a conscious choice, not an accident. I am not “between relationships.” This is part of who I am -- I am single. Many people don’t get this. They see it as “You’re-single-until-the-next-relationship… ” kinda/ sorta thingee. After all, it isn’t normal to not be in a relationship. The whole reason for existence is to hook up, no?

I’ll tell you why I am single, or at least part of the reason why I’m single. I am single because I have yet to meet someone who’s willing to be truly intimate. Women tell me all the time they want intimacy but what they really mean is that they have needs and I have to fulfill those needs somehow and when I do fulfill those needs that means we’re “intimate.” Of course, they don’t phrase in that way, but that’s what they mean. Seriously.

Most people don’t even have a relationship with themselves to begin with. The search for the elusive “The One” is scary in this context. Do people even realize the amount of pressure we put on romantic relationships these days? It’s as if I have to fulfill this vast range of roles and make you happy to boot! Lover, husband, father, mentor, mentee, soul mate, financial advisor, therapist, and counselor -- the list goes on and on.

Is it no small surprise that many relationships crash and burn? I think the first thing we need to look at is realistic expectations -- what we call in psychology reality testing. I do not want to, nor can I, make you happy. If you’re not happy to begin with, I damn sure cannot take you there. Nor do I want that responsibility even if I could pull off that miracle. I don’t want to be your all or your everything, that shit is fucking crazy and scary. Just thinking about that takes away any motivation I have to commit to a relationship. Please, go find Daddy somewhere else. I ain’t it. Unless, of course, if I’m pulling your hair and smacking your ass while you’re screaming my name, then I’m your daddy. Oooops… 

I'm kidding! 

Which brings me back to intimacy in relationships. People are always crying about the loss of spontaneity and intimacy in relationships. I know I’m going to burst some bubbles here but I’m going to say flat out that Santa Claus doesn’t exist, Snow White was a fairy tale, and intimacy takes work.

I’m being honest here ladies, when I say that I don’t care how physically attractive you are, after 2-3 years of steady being in a relationship, you will occasionally be considered a chore and not a pleasure. I will be sitting with a friend somewhere and he’ll ask me if I can go to the game with him and I’ll turn to him with a look of resignation on my face and tell him, “I can’t man, I gotta go home and fuck the wife.” Any man who tells you different is a fucking liar.

Spontaneity and intimacy -- true intimacy -- takes work and risking all there is in that pretty heart of yours. It takes practice, lots of practice. If you think that I will find having sex with you an attractive prospect after watching you scream insanely at the children, or nagging me to fix the fucking fence, then you done lost your mind. Don’t’ get me wrong I’m sure you’re struggling just as hard with any attraction for me when my idea of funny is farting and putting you in a headlock.

So, intimacy is work. It’s about risking it all and being vulnerable in profoundly scary ways. By the way, intimate sex is not the only form of sex and can get very boring very quickly. Sometimes -- in fact, a lot of the time -- you have to fuck. In any case, healthy sexuality begins with understanding and accepting yourself, your body, and sensual and sexual aspects of yourself. There are two powerful negative teachings about sex we all internalize to some degree. The first is that sex is bad; exciting, but bad. Sex is good only in the context of marriage or an “intimate” relationship. The second is that sex is exclusively about intercourse.

We here in the [un]Common Sense blog believe that sex is one of the good or even great things in life and sexuality is an integral -- even spiritual -- part of being a person. Sexuality, at least for me, includes everything from the flirtatious glance to a gentle caress, from passionate, even violent, intercourse, to loving and tender after play. 

The real psychologically healthy question then is how to express sexuality so that it enhances your self-esteem, deepens your ability to be genuinely intimate, and increases satisfaction in your intimate relationship.

My name is Eddie and I’m in recovery from civilization…

Poetry [The Third Body]

Hola mi Gente, It's a beautiful day today here at the Center of the Known Universe. Unfortunately, I have to spend the day looking for a place to live. Hope you're having a good time.

I love the following poem because it speaks so eloquently of the core of relationships. When you share feelings and intimacy with another, it’s like giving birth to a child -- a third body sort of speaking. And that third body is the manifestation of the relationship.

A Man and a Woman Sit Near Each Other

 

 

A man and a woman sit near each other,
and they do not long
at the moment to be older, or younger,
nor born in any other nation, or time, or place.
They are content to be where they are,
talking or not talking.
Their breaths together feed someone whom
we do not know.
The man sees the way his fingers move;
he sees her hands close around a book she hands to him.
They obey a third body that they share in common.
They have made a promise to love that body.
Age may come, parting may come,
death will come.
A man and a woman sit near each other;
as they breathe they feed someone we do not know,
someone we know of, whom we have never seen.

-- Robert Bly

* * *

My name is Eddie and I’m in Recovery from civilization… 

The Friday Sex Blog [Sex Lies]

Hola mi Gente,

I’m looking to rent a room or studio apartment. If anyone has any leads please send them my way.

Have a great weekend!

* * *

Sex Lies

Men aren’t looking for true intimacy and liberation; they’re just looking to get laid.

-- Popular sex myth

The myth that men aren’t looking for intimacy and just want to get laid is one of my pet peeves. I hear it all the time and it’s up there with the lie that women don’t like to fuck. Yean I said fuck, not “make love.” Shoot me, but you know we all like to get fucked every once in a while.

::blank stare::

The fact of the matter is not many people of either sex are actually looking for sexual liberation or self-actualization, at least not until a very long and weary trail of life-long disappointments. And many people declaring a need for intimacy have a funny definition for the word because intimacy requires surrender and trust and how many people have you met that are truly willing to surrender and be vulnerable and not merely pay lip service to what amounts to a vague notion of intimacy?

Liberation and intimacy is not something that’s really at the top of people’s list of things to do, at least not up there with finding that job, or the ever elusive -- “The One.” Perhaps this is an indication of warped priorities or the lack of concern for substance, but genuine personal growth is not a top priority and that’s certainly not an attitude limited to men.

Of course, men are expected to be horny all the time. God forbid if a man would tell his mate he has a headache. LOL! We’re supposed to be at the ready, magic wand in hand, at a moment’s notice. We’re perceived as animalistic and natural for lusting for sex, but that desire is also viewed as weak because the “little head” will eventually lead the “big head” astray, as if our fantasies were our vulnerable spot -- our inherent weakness. Cultural ambiguity is such that society grants men sexual feeling as if it were inevitable, but then ridicule us for what it believes is our unavoidable undoing.

But what is this desire after all? I’ll tell you what it is: it’s the wish to feel sexual ecstasy with another person, to feel as one completely inside another person’s body; to feel your own body open and wanting. As far as I’m concerned, that’s an intense experience to yearn for and it deserves respect.

But Eddie, you might say, it’s not always like that! Some men are totally removed and distant when they’re having sex; it’s all about ego, a notch on the belt.

And?!

Sure, there are some cold-assed ma’fuccas out there, whipping in and out and walking away. The true irony is that even their stunted efforts are a search for connection -- for that fleeting moment when ego defenses disappear and we become something bigger and more complete than our petty idiosyncrasies.

Shit! If we men can’t express, openly and without fear of being stigmatized, that longing to our lovers it’s not because there’s something twisted about sexual desire that serves to get in the way; it’s societal tendency toward shaming and sexual censorship that shuts all of us down. And yes, every time we get laid, that’s another opportunity for opening up, for a chance to discover true intimacy.

Face it: a man who wants to get laid, is a man who wants to stay in the human race. Instead of ridiculing or marginalizing that, why can’t we treat it as a positive sign and look more carefully at the nature of his sexual motivations?

It often seems like a miracle when you first cross that erotic bridge and discover that someone wants you. This discovery is especially salient if you’re convinced that you will be forever alone and unloved in this cold and cruel world.

And you get laid – again and again – and the confidence acquired leads to you to new questions and new answers about the value of sex, about a lover’s needs, and companionship in our lives, about this sense of adventure and mystery in our bodies.

And you know what? At any point, we’re experiencing some measure of sexual liberation, whether we’re giving it a name or not. Some men will begin to question normative male sexual roles and will no doubt find many things oppressive and unnecessary. Most men don’t want to sacrifice their emotions and sexual expression to outdated and harmful notions of masculinity. This is the first stage of the sexual revolution: many of us are not buying into the outmoded models of manhood and masculinity. Refusing to buy into the bullshit is a revolution in itself.

You should be happy to meet such a man: he still harbors a hope that there’s something better out there. And you know what? He might be right.

My name is Eddie and I’m in recovery from civilization…