Monday, September 20, 2010

Monday Madness: The revelation Will Not be Televised

¡Hola! Everybody...
In view of the unprecedented number of religious whackos running for office this midterm (click here and here for just two examples), I thought re-posting the following apropos...

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Sinner Ines Sainz' sinful backside: blame for grown men to lose minds

-=[ The Revelation Will not be Televised ]=-

Or: Quick! Look busy -- Jesus is coming!

Pretend you’re a big time Hollywood executive and I tried to sell you a story with the following pitch:

“Okay, let me start with some context. It’s the 21st century, but millions of people believe in this invisible Super Ghost who lives somewhere way, way up in space. You see, he created everything, sees everything, knows everything -- everything that had ever happened or will happen. think: something like a huge security camera in the sky.

“The people who believe in him think of him as a magic helper who protects and watches over them. It’s a take on the Santa Claus thingee -- he sees you when you’re sleeping, he knows when you’re awake, and engaged in terrorist or masturbatory activities and so on.

“Yet even thought this ghost has, like, all the superpowers of all the superheroes rolled into one, he’s in actuality very insecure. He demands that you follow him or else you get an eternity burning in a non-stop, super-duper fire, boiling in lava-like shit and being constantly stabbed by devils with pitchforks. Oh yeah! I almost forgot, two thousand years ago he sent his only son back to earth in order to redeem humanity from their wickedness by getting hung on a cross and, you know, that whole gospel-according-to -Mel-Gibson-let’s-hate-Jews treatment.

“Now, bear with me because this is where the story gets interesting: after two thousand years of watching humanity slaughter itself, getting really fucked up on drugs, and having wild orgies, and basically just slacking off, the son plans to return to earth from outer space. But before he does, he’s going to beam up to Heaven all those people who believed in him, yup, levitate them right out of their clothes, wherever they are -- on an airplane, asleep, having sex, on the toilet, and -- get this! -- in the freaking grave! Yup, corpses and cadavers blasting out of the ground! Think: Saw meets Night of the Living Dead, with some touches of Superman.

“Meanwhile, the people left behind are freaking out. I mean imagine you’re on an airplane to Puerto Rico and suddenly the fuckin’ pilot disappears -- flies right by your window seat! Dang!

“While looking out the window you see hundreds of naked people whooshing by. Of course, we’ll make them up to be fine babes (think: an army of Ines Sainz look-a-likes and maybe throw in an old dude just for laughs). And then the plane just nose-dives, crashes smack into the side of a mountain. Families are broken up and companies have to close because, like, the entire sales department just flew out the window through the AC vents!

“Meanwhile, the people left behind are really freaking out and CNN is blaming it on the Muslims and Fox News is blaming Obama. The president is pissed because he thinks it’s some secret pentagon weapon and he wasn’t informed. Cut to Rahm and he tells him, ‘Muthafucka!, it’s the Rapture.’ The president doesn’t know what the rapture is, they didn’t teach the rapture at his childhood madrassa and the secret service sweeps him away to an undisclosed location where they fill him in on the Rapture.

“And this is just the first seven minutes! In the rest of the movie, the people left behind are going to suffer a seven-year nightmare of wars, plagues, attacks from supernatural creatures, asteroid collisions, and rivers of blood… ”

what would your reaction be? Would you buy a pitch like that? Well, considering the really inferior crap that gets produced (the Rocky and Die Hard franchises come to mind), maybe a studio would produce such a story. But mostly you would have probably called security and have me kicked to the curb, right? Right?!!

As many as a hundred million Americans believe in this story, which is known as the Rapture, a scene lifted out of the last book of the Bible. Yeah, the crazy, hallucinogenic part. The part with the Apocalypse and its Four Horsemen, the Whore of Babylon, a seven-headed dragon, and crap that looks straight out of a badly crafted segment of Lord of the Rings.

It’s Jay-sus (!) on steroids out here to kick some major fuckin ass!

If you’re a Christian and never heard of the Rapture, then shame on you (you didn’t read the Bible all the way to the end!). In any case, this book isn’t for believers of the rapture. It’s for you! Heathen! Unbeliever! Doubter! Satanist! Secular Humanist liberal democrat! If you’re curious about what 100 million people find so compelling about the Rapture, then this book will do the trick. If you’re the kind of person who values reason rather than superstitious thinking, then this book will make you smile smugly.

Quick! Look Busy!




  1. This is the most awesome way I've ever heard religion described! you have a new fan Eddie

  2. Thanks Saria! Looking forward to seeing more of you.


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