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Hola Everybody…
I wrote this a while ago and a recent message from
someone in my past (why must we
replay the tapes, ya’ll? ::blank stare:: ) reminded me of the insidiously internal
aggressiveness of self-righteousness.
* * *
The Unbearable Feeling of
Separateness
Self righteousness is a loud din raised to drown the
voice of guilt within us.
-- Eric Hoffer
In the philosophical
novel, The Unbearable Lightness of Being,
author Milan Kundera challenges Nietzsche’s concept
of eternal recurrence -- the idea that the universe and its events have already
occurred and will recur infinitely. The novel’s themes put forward the
alternative; that each person has only one life to live, and that which occurs
in life occurs only once and never again (hence the “lightness” of being). On
the contrary, the concept of eternal recurrence forces a “heaviness” on our
lives and on the decisions we make (and gives them “weight.”) Nietzsche
believed this heaviness could be either a tremendous burden or great benefit
depending on the individual’s perspective.
Following Kundera’s
logic, life is insignificant, and decisions do not matter and therefore
rendered light. “If we have only one life to live,” goes the saying, “we might
as well not have lived at all.” The awareness of life occurring once and never
again means our lives in themselves are insignificant. The insignificance of
decisions -- our being -- causes us great suffering, perceived as the
unbearable lightness of being. This insignificance is existentially
unbearable when it is considered that people want their lives to have meaning.
I don’t agree with Kundera’s position, but I have to admit that the
likelihood of our lives amounting to nothing but a grand Cosmic Joke( to which
we all know the punchline) is an anxiety that lurks just underneath everyone’s
consciousness (by the way, the book is an excellent read).
In my experience our
actions and thoughts and words send out karmic ripples that affect us, those we
love, and humankind in general. In fact, these ripples become so intertwined
with past ripples and the ripples of others that we could never fully know the full
implications of our actions. That’s why intention is so important. But here
again, I have to concede the well-worn cliche that enough of the roads of hell
are paved with good intentions…
I am not an upstanding
citizen. I break rules, I swear, I am oftentimes vulgar, and I am no “giant”
among humans. I never invented anything worthwhile, or have I liberated throngs
of men and women. There have been many times I have acted immorally, cowardly
even. I was not a good role model for my younger siblings and quite possibly
influenced them in bad ways. I have manipulated, stole, cheated, lied, used
women (and been used). At various times in my life I have been hopelessly addicted,
a criminal, a failed pimp, institutionalized, and seen and done things most
people never live to retell. When I die, a significant portion of those who
will bother to remember me will remember me as an asshole, or even worse. And
they will have good reason to. In short, I am no gentleman. Nor do I want to be
one.
I am no longer the same
man I was 22 years ago, and I do try an ethically and morally grounded life. I
no longer pillage and plunder, but what I follow (to the best of my ability) are precepts, not commandments, and life is a
work of art, not a set of sums. I find that I am much happier when I make an
effort to remember my transgressions. It makes me less prone to self-righteousness.
I made a promise to myself many years ago I would never become one of those
self-righteous reformed motherfuckers, who after pillaging and plundering all
their lives, now go around evangelizing their worldview. Most of us have met,
at one time or another, a "former sinner" who today spends his or her
time telling everyone else how to live, which God to believe in, and the
so-called motherfuckin "Truth." Self-righteousness -- that
essentially selfish human weakness of seeing yourself as separate -- is most
evident in the hypocrite. If you do
not believe me, take a closer look around you, read the signs.
Eric Hoffer proposed that self-righteousness
(and fanaticism) are rooted in self-hatred and insecurity. He believed that a
passionate obsession with the private lives of other people is merely a
cowardly attempt to compensate for a lack of character in one’s own life. A
core principle of Hoffer's was his insight that mass movements are
interchangeable; he notes fanatical Nazis later becoming fanatical Communists,
fanatical Communists later becoming fanatical anti-Communists, and Saul,
persecutor of Christians, becoming Paul, a fanatical Christian. You can see
this dynamic at work with the teabaggers which is a continuation of the right
wing’s racist Southern
Strategy. For the “true believer” the substance of the mass
movement isn’t so important as that they are part of that movement.
I think as a society we
exemplify the grabbing and holding for attention that comes from a lack of
self-esteem. How else can you explain the right wing (or “reality” TV shows)?
We do this even in our quest for a “relationship,” or love. Love is spoken
about as if it could be possessed.
We watch people with
boundary issues humiliate themselves on national TV and say to ourselves,
smugly:
We are seduced by that
inner voice that tells us,“I would never do that!”
We hear of the downfall
of an acquaintance or friend we note:
“I’m better than him/
her!”
Most people, when they
think of selfishness, think of the drive to acquire material goods, but there
are many other forms of selfishness. Self-righteousness is about holding all
the attention we can get, or denying others the possibility of sharing with us
in any community. For the fact remains, dear reader, that if your most
humiliating or shameful action were written on your forehead, you would pull
your cap low. All of us would.
And to give you a real
world example of what I am talking about, someone took exception to my sense of
humor recently. anyone who knows me even just a little biut, knows that my
sense of humor is warped and
definitely “inappropriate.” Shit, I’ve my life’s mission to be inappropriate.
Now check this out: the person who took exception? I later found out that the
current person she’s living with was the consequence of her taking away from
the man’s legal wife. Appropriate my fuckin balls!
We like to represent
ourselves as being noble or “right.” I don’t give a fuck about “right,” I am
interested in exploring the many levels of truth.
And if I were being truthful with myself, I would note I could never condescend
to tell someone else what’s appropriate or inappropriate. I was a fuckin
criminal at one time, how hypocritical would that be? We like to present to the
world this carefully manufactured, oh-so-socially-acceptable image, but God
forbid if this pretentious exercise actually included taking yourself out of
your comfort zone. Listen champ: what if the status quo you're so desperately
trying to mimic needs to be changed in order for a just social order to exist.
The car: Big shit, so
you're destroying our ecology in style. The diamonds? Mined by children in
Africa who don't live past adulthood. That iPad? Most likely put together by a
pregnant woman who has considered committing suicide rather than continue to be
subjected to work conditions that no “appropriate” society shoud accept.
Appropriate? Who the fuck really gives a fuckin good goddam what you
deem appropriate?!! Look in the mirror, motherfuckers.
This form of behavior
illustrates my point on the drawbacks of hypocrisy and self-righteousness.
Simply put, some people see themselves as separate from the rest and they
compensate for their perceived lack by labeling others as different or “less
than.” Some define themselves almost exclusively by how much different (and
better) they are than others. Is this a reality?
I will state right here
that I’m not concerned with “convincing” anyone of my worldview. I don't give a
fuck about what you consider appropriate. My concern is to explore and attempt
to present the truth as well as I can. Most of the idiots who condemn without
reason or rhyme will never be convinced of anything except of the forthrightness
of their own foolishness. Their labors are a lot like swirling your finger
around your anus and proclaiming the resulting stink perfume.
The essential point
here, my “larger” heart tells me, is that all of life is fragile and
interconnected. We have a more generous spirit when we are in touch with the
fact that it is only when we look at the world purely through our ego-driven
neuroses, that the world becomes fearful (or “inappropriate”). When we look at
things from the mindset confined by self-righteous indignation we see only a
void and the compulsive need to claim to be something better.
My heart also tells me
that if there is inequality, then the status quo needs to change. What if
social acceptability isn't so goddamned acceptable? My conforming within the
confines of social acceptability doesn’t equal growth. Just because I act as a
gentleman, doesn’t mean I am evolving as a man, as a human being, as part of
the evolutionary process. And don’t tell me I can come to your table only on
your terms. That’s bullshit -- total hypocritical bullshit.
My name is Eddie and
I’m in recovery from civilization…
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