On Language

Hola mi gente,
I would rather have a straight up racist like Trump and his gang in the White House, than a racist like Hillary Clinton. Hopefully people are waking up.

On another note, I will be on WBAI’s “On the Count” this Saturday, November 19^th at 11AM. Check us out on the radio or the internet. Click here for more information.

Language

The Tower of Babel

The limits of my language means the limits of my world.
 -- Ludwig Wittgenstein

I have a friend. He is pretty smart, having first graduated from Harvard and then finishing his graduate studies at Columbia. He loves his sons dearly and oftentimes comes to me to discuss child-rearing practices. He points out that sometimes I come off as a “Philosopher King,” which is the aspect of my personality he loves best. He doesn’t like it when I’m “dicking around,” as he calls the aspect of my personality which loves to goof off (I happen to enjoy my dicking around, by the way).

Which was why I was surprised when, in asking his son to do a task, he told him, “And make sure you don’t spill any of the water?”

He had asked his seven-year-old son to bring me a glass of water. It was filled very close to the top. What do you think happened? Yup, he spilled the water almost as soon as his father asked him not to spill the water.

I have a co-worker who has recently met a woman with which he’s considering marriage. He came to me with some concerns. I noticed, as the conversation progressed that he was talking in terms of how things could go wrong, rather than how they should work.

Now, let me clarify that the aim of this post is not to make value judgments; we all have different ways of processing information. My intention here is not to judge. Rather, I am going to simply point out how our mind works how a familiarity with its mechanisms can assist in creating lasting change.

Language is a very powerful characteristic of change. It shapes the world we live in. Whenever I am involved in a social change project, I am often reminded of Einstein’s thought experiments. For the sake of brevity, I will not go into detail about them, but simply note that they entailed Einstein placing himself in an imaginary scenario in order to better understand a particular problem. 

In one of his most famous thought experiments, Einstein asked himself what would happen if you chased a beam of light as it moved through space and caught up to it. Following the line of this thought experiment, Einstein eventually laid the groundwork for his special theory of relativity.

What is important here is that Einstein’s thought experiment compelled him to imagine a world that did not exist. In doing so, in immersing himself in that world, he had to act and behave as if that world existed. Furthermore, in order to properly envision such a world, he had to develop a language (theory) for it. In the process, he changed the world. What is needed to create lasting change is the capacity and will to envision a world that we want and the language necessary to create and sustain it. Unfortunately, that is what is missing from our collective political consciousness today. This is why we in the United States have Trump as president-elect.

At the micro level, observe almost every parent and you will hear people say things such as, “Don’t do it,” “Don’t think about it, or the famous parental admonition, “Don’t you dare say/ do that!” This is why punishment, as a parental tool, fails miserably. At the macro level, this is why punishment as a solution to crime, lack of access to education, and poverty has failed miserably, in the process making the United States an apartheid state. In both instances, the failure has been the failure of creating a language that sustains a vision.

If I were to tell you right now, “Don’t think about Eddie sodomizing you,” what immediately happens in your mind? Well (your protestations notwithstanding), you find yourself thinking about Eddie sodomizing you. The same thing happens when you tell your child, “Don’t spill the water.” The way our brains work is that in order to erase a negative (i.e., “Don’t let Eddie fuck you in the ass… ”), we first have to think about it. Our brains don’t know how to put things into negative language. In order to know what not to think of, our brains first have to think of it.

We all have people in our lives who, with good intentions, tell us what not to do. What they are actually doing is putting our attention exactly in the direction they feel in wrong. A few examples include, “Don’t say ____ anymore,” “Don’t worry,” “Don’t panic,” “I don’t think you’re stupid.” Using negative language is also something we do to ourselves. We tell ourselves we won’t think about something and we do. This is repression and we often mistake it for morality. For example, I am sure Weiner has struggled with posting dick pics on social media. Other examples include: “I won’t do that again (usually followed by, “Dear God!” LOL), “Don’t piss me off,” and “Don’t smoke,” just to name a few. We tend to think of what we don’t’ want to do, and then do it anyway.

Part of changing our society and even our personal idiosyncrasies is changing the language that supports them. One way is to understand that we can take our negative thoughts and state them in the positive. Instead of saying what we don’t want, we can instead envision and state what we do want. Try it.

Think of a negative statement you’ve been making to yourself, and experiment by turning it into a positive one, right now… 

Yes… now.

Instead of saying to yourself, “don’t worry,” try asking yourself “How would I like to feel?” Instead of saying, “Don’t smoke,” try saying, “I would like to be smoke-free.” This not only feels better, it actually begins creating the mental conditions (actually making the synaptic connections) that reorients your brain and prepares you to achieve more of what you want, by focusing on the positive things you want in your life.

At the societal level, this was evident in the Clinton campaign. When running against Bernie Sanders, who was spearheading a wildly popular political movement and what he (and others) envisioned, the Clinton campaign settled in what we could not do. The language of the Sanders campaign was composed of declarations of what we could do. The Clinton campaign settled smugly into a faux “pragmatic progressive” that failed and failed miserably. The same happened with the general election where, say what you will about Trump, he was able to offer a vision and language of making “America great again.” The Clinton campaign was basically bereft of vision and language that did not counter the bleak status quo.

From a statistical perspective, about 80% of the people who make New Year’s resolutions stopped trying altogether by the end of a month. What I want to say here is that the vast majority of people who achieve change in their lives experience difficulty and fall off the wagon, sometimes many times, before they eventually get it. If you smoked a cigarette, try being smoke-free over again; see how long you can be smoke-free. Very few people get it the first time, people, so give yourself a break, and focus on the positive things you want in life. But in order to do that, you have to have a language that resonates with the kind of person you want to be or the world you want to live in.

In the end, whether we want to make personal changes or change the society we live in, we first have to create a language that helps manifest such a world. As this election shows, we are not even close and some of us believe -- use language -- that is self-defeating. 

My name is Eddie and I’m in recovery from civilization…

Sunday Sermon [The Three Questions]

Hola Everybody,
Story time!

The Three Questions

Anthony Quinn in Zorba the Greek

The following is adapted from a collection of short stories written by Leo (War and Peace) Tolstoy.

Back in the day, there lived an emperor who searched for a philosophy of life. He realized he needed wisdom to guide him and how he ruled. None of the religions and philosophies of the time satisfied him, so he searched for a philosophy that was rooted in the experience of life.

After much reflection he came to the realization that he required answers to only three basic questions. With the answers to those three questions, he concluded, he would have all the guidance he needed. The three questions were as follows:

• When is the most important time?
• Who is the most important person?
• What is the most important thing to do?

His quest led to a long search which takes up most of the original story, but eventually he finds the three answers when he encounters a hermit. What do you think the answers are? Look at the questions again, and pause before you read on… 

We all know the answer to the first question, but it’s so obvious that oftentimes we forget it. The most important time is now, of course. It’s the only time we have. Even in love, the only time we have is now. Love in the past is but a memory and love in the future is a mere fantasy. We can only love in the now. Why is this important, or what relevance does this have? Well, for one, if you want to tell a loved one how much you really love them, you should do it now. Not tomorrow. Not in five minutes. Now. Five minutes may be too late. If you need to make amends, don’t start thinking about all the reasons why you shouldn’t, or dwell on self-righteousness, or concoct reasons why you shouldn’t. Just do it now. The opportunity may not come again and you’ll be whining about how you didn’t seize the moment when you had the chance.

The answer to the second question is a little harder and profound. Very few people get this one right. When I first read the answer, it blew me away. The answer rips through the question in a way I never before understood or imagined. The answer is that the most important person is the one you’re with.

My work involves listening to people deeply. It entails me being present in a way that’s sometimes exhausting because I’m listening on levels hardly ever utilized. In order for me to be able to listen in this manner, I have to have complete unconditional regard for the person. Listening, believe it or not, is a powerful healing mechanism. Have you ever been with someone who gave you their total attention? Do you remember how that feels?

Communication and love can only be shared with the person you are with, no matter who they are. The person you are with is the most important person in the world. People can feel that kind of attention. They respond.

A common complaint among married couples is that they feel their partner doesn’t really listen to them. In a way, what that means is that they feel that their partner doesn’t make them feel valued anymore. If people actually were more present with their loved ones, divorce lawyers would become a dying breed. I should add that, for a substantial part of your life, you are by yourself. Then, the most important person, the one you are with, is you!

The answer to the emperor’s last question, “What is the most important thing to do?” is care. To care means bringing together being careful and caring. What does it mean to care?

Well, for me to care means compassion. If compassion can be represented by a dove (as it often is), then the wings of the dove are wisdom. Without wisdom compassion cannot soar. I always find it funny that in the Buddhist tradition, they differentiate between compassion and stupid compassion. To illustrate, I’ll share another story I heard at a retreat once. A woman had spent three months a loving-kindness retreat. Metta, a form of loving-kindness mediation intended to opening the heart, is very intense and liberating. Well shortly after leaving the retreat, this woman was attacked by a man in a dark alleyway. Luckily, her screams were heard by passerby who came to her rescue.

The incident really shook her and she wondered about all that loving-kindness practice. She went to her teacher and related the incident to her, hoping to get some guidance. Her teacher asked her, “Weren’t you carrying an umbrella?” (the incident occurred during the monsoon season). The woman responded that yes she was carrying an umbrella. Her teacher smiled and told her, “Then you should’ve taken your umbrella, and with all the compassion in your heart, hit your assailant over the head repeatedly.”

That’s wise compassion and maybe that’s what’s meant by saying that the most import thing to do, right now, this very moment, is to care.

So, to sum up today’s sermon…

• When is the most important moment? Now
• Who is the most important person? The person you are with.
• What is the most important thing to do? To care.

My name is Eddie and I’m in recovery from civilization…

Masks

Hola mi gente…

Today I start going back into the belly of the beast… This time it will be Rikers. On another note, I want to wish my brother, Edgar, a very happy birthday.

This Masquerade

We all wear masks, and the time comes when we cannot remove them without removing some of our own skin.

-- Andre Berthiaume

We’re lost in this masquerade…

-- George Benson, This Masquerade

Einstein once said that if you can't explain it to your grandmother, then you really don’t understand it -- or something like that. And I get that, I really do. When I was attending university, I would spend a lot of time with my then eight-year-old son going over complicated psychological concepts. As with most children at that age, he possessed an insatiable curiosity and when we would do our homework together, he would always ask about my studies (applied psych). Try explaining attachment theory, or object relations to a kid. LOL The thing is he would usually ask the most fundamental questions, often cutting to the core of an issue or area of study. It was cool until one day he turned to me while we were watching TV and asked if the lead character was showing signs of being bi-polar. LMAO

Anyway, I say all this because most of what you will find in here is often like an introduction, in the simplest manner possible, to concepts and practices that often took me years to absorb. Lot’s and lots of jerking off, reading, and application. Sometimes, what happens however is that in translating all this I have to omit important nuances otherwise I would be sitting here writing forever. I encourage any here to further pursue anything they might find of interest herein. I often leave links and references for people so disposed.

 

I remember once going to the movies and while watching the previews, I came across a hilarious commercial. In the commercial, a young woman is on her way home and glamorous beautiful faces from glossy magazine covers become animated and talk to her. One says, “You’re fat!” On the bus another face from a magazine a fellow passenger is reading blurts out, “With your figure you should walk!” And on and on it goes until she passes a newsstand and she’s beset by a cacophony of relentless criticism: “You’re no good in bed!” “You’re hopeless,” etc. Eventually the poor woman buys a magazine that, the voiceover explains, is more interested in who she is rather than who she should be. Very clever… 

This commercial speaks to a deep truth in our modern society: the relentless pressure to “manage” our image. The word personality comes from the Latin root meaning mask and that’s an interesting point. We all have a huge stake in managing our individual identities, or how others perceive us. There’s a whole economy based on this primal need and it’s called “self-help.” The masks we wear are varied and the reasons we wear them are really quite simple: we wear masks to hide our true faces from others and sometimes even from ourselves.

You know the masks: the seductive mask of the “sexy siren” or the “innocence” mask, for example. For men, we like wearing the “hero” or tough guy masks. Some of us wear the “black sheep” or “lone wolf” masks. Many of us wear the “I’ve been saved and now I’m spiritual” masks. Others wear the “I’m the Deep Philosopher/ King” mask -- that’s a good one.

The point is we become so enamored of our masks that sometimes we lose sight that who we really are transcends all of that. We are creatures born with a tremendous amount of potential here on this small blue marble out here in the backwaters of space. And we’re confronted with the opportunity to rise above it all and reclaim what is truly ours. The Big Secret is this: you’re just fine the way you are and most of what we like to call growth, or change, is really throwing out all the garbage that obscures who we really are and what we can be.

The cost of wearing a mask is the loss of the chance to develop our real potential. What masks are we attached to? Are you willing to give up your commitment to them in the interest of real growth?

When we attempt to go within to who we really are meant to be, we are confronted with many obstacles and there is a societal interest in keeping you numb and/ or anxious. We live in a consumer-based society that has a huge monetary interest in selling you newer, prettier masks. If we all stopped chasing that mirage and actually woke up to some realities, some very powerful interests would be very much threatened. We buy wholly into this and if you’re even thinking of putting on the “I’m different from all that” mask at this point -- please stop! You’re not that different, sit down and relax.

The point is that we, yes all of us, we all wear masks at a very high cost. Undoing the masquerade takes time, practice, guidance and support.

My name is Eddie and I’m in recovery from civilization…