Love in an Imperfect World

Hola Everybody,
I was at a second interview today and I keep getting asked the same question: “Why are you applying for this job.” My experience and resume sometimes works against me and it’s really frustrating.

Perfect Love/ Imperfect World

Neurosis is the avoidance of legitimate suffering.
Carl Jung, Psychology and Religion

We are all manifestations of perfect love living in an imperfect world. And as I rant constantly, love is openness. When you are open -- when you allow yourself to be open -- the love flows and you can communicate with your lover and anyone else. Whether you are sexing or having an important discussion, you can open and come together as one love expressing itself through two bodies.

I know what you are thinking. You are thinking that opening up in that way sounds good, but in the real world, it is not practical. You have tried being open and it hurt and you are not going to be burnt again – ever. Too many hurts and you close in order to feel less vulnerable. So you walk around encased in your shining armor, walking awkwardly through this terrifying terrain. Sometimes the armor rusts and you can hear the squeaks.

Yet you still desire love. Underneath all that armor, behind all those walls, your yearning backs up into frustration and anger. So you punish the world by closing your heart off. You are safe now, but so alone, so very alone. You open, you get hurt, and you close. You lash out, the world lashes back, and you close.

I know that what I am about to say will make you roll your eyes, but the only way out of this cycle is by learning to practice love. I have a client who once came to me and before I could say anything, promptly informed me that she wasn’t opening anymore because it wasn’t working. I had to smile at that and I loved her honesty. The fact remains that there is an issue here and the issue is you. Or rather your ego -- your mini me.

You can practice remaining open even when the reflexive, knee-jerk reaction to close your heart appears. You hear about this knee-jerk reaction all the time. People often describe it as “keeping the negativity out” as if one could spit out a cocoon and choose what life brings about. I find this entirely unrealistic. Do you honestly think you can keep negativity from your life? I don’t know, maybe I’m living in a parallel universe, but there’s at least about as much negativity as there are positives around here, so you want to shut out half of your reality, huh? Look around, if you keep doing this you are going to end up on an island somewhere all alone. Even then, some fuckin coconut will bonk you on the head, or you will step on a seashell, and those goddamned negative mosquitoes will bite and you will bitch about that too. 

There is no escaping you, dearie.

There is an easier way out of all this. You can choose to feel the hurt and practice staying open. The choice is quite simple. You can chose to close when you are hurt, but that is like cutting off your nose to spite your face. I was hurt world, so now I’m closing this ma’fucca down. Eventually, that leads to more problems. It makes you numb and chokes off vital energy. The other choice is instead of closing in anger, you can allow yourself to feel the deep sorrow, the raw yearning, the wounding slashes. 

In response to the hurt, you can practice love, or you can practice hate. Instead of tensing your body, you can relax into it, breathing deeply and fully, and feeling the deep hurt. Believe me, this will save you from a lot of unnecessary pain because when you confront your lover’s closing with openness, you will begin to see more clearly. And if what you see clearly that you have to move on, you will do so with an open heart. Your heart is your strongest ally and it only becomes stronger when you open it. Your heart is not a liability, it is an asset. It is an asset that you have consciously chosen to put in a cage.

Life is a lesson of love. Your life feels full in every moment you stay open as love. Too many people do not know what love is and wait to feel alive only when they experience a chemical reaction they attribute to another individual. That is not love, that’s ego looking for attention. Love is a state of being, not a feeling. The irony of all ironies is that you are, and always have been, love.

When you close, even for a moment, then you are creating suffering for yourself and pain in the hearts of those who would open in love with you. Your body is literally a neurological feedback loop and too many of us are starving for connection. To be fully aware and embracing of all that is within us and consciously seeking develop our full potential is our quest as human beings.

If you desire to live a full life and feel the profundity of love’s power, practice opening at all times, including times of hurt. Feel and breathe your heart’s deep hurt, and the hurt of others, without closing. Offer this openness to yourself and others, even those who are hurting you. The only alternative is to close and live an unfulfilled life. While I understand that a broken heart hurts, even worse is a heart that has no life. In the end, neurosis becomes a poor substitute for the noble suffering it takes to become a person of real character

My name is Eddie and I’m in recovery from civilization…

The 12 Steps for Everyone [Step Four]

Hola mi Gente,

Last night, after many polls had him losing (one poll by 18 points just ten days ago), the Sanders campaign/ movement pulled out a victory. Just think for a moment that Sanders launched his campaign less than a year ago and was widely ridiculed by both neoliberals (who call themselves “liberals”) and neoconservatives.

On another, somewhat related note, there's been an almost a total media blackout on the financial crisis happening in Puerto Rico (click here for more info). My heart goes out in solidarity to the intrepid Puerto Rican students waging the good fight against the forces of austerity who are, with the exception of Bernie Sanders' campaign, the very same vulture capitalists financing the US elections.

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Step Four: Uncovering the Patterns

We made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.

-- The Fourth Step, Narcotics Anonymous

[Note: Every month, I dedicate this blog to one of the steps of Narcotics Anonymous. These posts are by no means intended as extensive exploration of recovery. They are merely brief expression of my strengths, hopes, and experiences culled from my spiritual journey.]

So far, we have explored what I call the “Recovery Cha Cha Cha” -- the first three steps that serve as the foundation to recovery and freedom from active addiction. Step One brought me face-to-face with the major contradiction in my life: my denial of my problem and how I managed to feel powerful when, in fact, I was powerless and needed help. Step Two challenged my grandiosity. I have heard it said that addicts are egomaniacs with low self-esteem and I couldn’t put it any better than that. My low self-esteem pushed me to inflate my ego, but all I ever felt inside was emptiness and feelings of unworthiness. Finally, Step Three helped me see that my efforts at control were in actuality ways in which to sabotage myself. Ultimately, I can only take responsibility for myself and I must leave the rest to a Higher Power of my understanding.

Yesiree, the “Great I Am” is a hard bitch to ride! LOL

Step 4 was daunting mostly because I didn’t want to do it. I was afraid. I mean I did a lot of fucked up shit in my life -- especially towards the end of my active addiction. I took a lot. I became the kind of person that would steal something from you and then helped you look for it. My thinking was so fucked up that I could rationalize stealing toys from underneath a Christmas tree. I used and was used by women. I kid around that I was a former pimp and technically, I was. But I was no pimp, believe me. I used to like to say that I was a “broker for sexual services.” As much as the word is used today, it’s nothing to be proud of. What I was -- I was an addict. Period.

Who the fuck wants to look at that shit?

I stole, but I stole more than property. I stole affection and trust and used it to feed my addiction. Perhaps my story is extreme, but let me ask: how many of us have stolen affection? How many of us have manipulated and controlled in order to feel better about ourselves?

Luckily, I had some great people around me in my early recovery. Quite a few of them are no longer with us, and my post today is dedicated to them. They helped me recover in spite of myself, because I was (still am? LOL!), one dense ma’fucca. To me the idea of a moral inventory was both scary but also riddled with conflicting emotions. However, after having taken those first three steps and applying them to the best of my ability, I also knew I was still feeling a lot of shame and guilt about my past. My actions had clearly not been moral by any measure. It came to me that I needed to look into the shadows and to uncover those deep dark secrets or risk losing my recovery. By the time I had one year, I knew I wanted to leave clean more than anything. 

I took the advice of my sponsor and decided to write out my inventory. I used several different 4^th Step guides and my inventory was extensive (me being the perfectionist I am). What I saw when I did my 4^th Step were behavior patterns. All around. For the first time I saw that I fell repeatedly into the same patterns and this was largely liberating.

The 4^th Step gave me the gift of self-knowledge. By reviewing in detail my fears, desires, thoughts, motives, and actions and discovering how they created wreckage, I was better able to uncover the secrets that compelled my behavior. Some of you may have tried this with a therapist. I had also. However, what made this moral inventory different was the previous work of the first three steps because those steps became the foundation upon which I was able to vanquish fear. What I saw underlying all my character defects was fear. Without the foundation of the first three steps, my moral inventory would’ve been weak and my shadow side would’ve eventually usurped my efforts. 

Because I was embodying the principle of the Third Step, I was able to turn over my fear and tendency to judge. I realized I was powerless to change my past, but that I was able to take accountability for now. Eventually, my Fourth Step gave me courage along with insight. And to a lesser degree, having faced myself with as much honesty as possible, I was able to lessen the fear and the shame. There were no more secrets, and more was being revealed.

On the other hand, the 4^th Step was a draining experience for me. Sometimes, when things seem their darkest, it’s difficult to see the positive. Initially, I discovered, it was difficult for me to take credit for the positive in me. I lived as a phony, showing only the parts of my self that I thought were good. I lived between the secrets, the shame, exploitation, and abuse of my addiction and the good parts of my public persona. I felt like a phony about my public self because people did not know the real me. When I finally faced the inner addict, my addiction became my teacher about my basic goodness. I had to come to the realization that I was strong, enduring, clever, and willing to risk even in my addiction. All these were qualities the addict in me stole in order to become powerful.

The addict in me was that same psychic entity that stole from me and then pretended he was helping me look for these qualities. I learned that all those qualities were mine and that they were available for me in my recovery.

My name is Eddie and I’m in recovery from civilization… 

Sunday Sermon [Self Righteousness]

Hola Everybody…

I wrote this a while ago and a recent message from someone in my past (why must we replay the tapes, ya’ll? ::blank stare:: ) reminded me of the insidiously internal aggressiveness of self-righteousness.

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The Unbearable Feeling of Separateness

Self righteousness is a loud din raised to drown the voice of guilt within us.

-- Eric Hoffer

            In the philosophical novel, The Unbearable Lightness of Being, author Milan Kundera challenges Nietzsche’s concept of eternal recurrence -- the idea that the universe and its events have already occurred and will recur infinitely. The novel’s themes put forward the alternative; that each person has only one life to live, and that which occurs in life occurs only once and never again (hence the “lightness” of being). On the contrary, the concept of eternal recurrence forces a “heaviness” on our lives and on the decisions we make (and gives them “weight.”) Nietzsche believed this heaviness could be either a tremendous burden or great benefit depending on the individual’s perspective.

            Following Kundera’s logic, life is insignificant, and decisions do not matter and therefore rendered light. “If we have only one life to live,” goes the saying, “we might as well not have lived at all.” The awareness of life occurring once and never again means our lives in themselves are insignificant. The insignificance of decisions -- our being -- causes us great suffering, perceived as the unbearable lightness of being. This insignificance is existentially unbearable when it is considered that people want their lives to have meaning.

I don’t agree with Kundera’s position, but I have to admit that the likelihood of our lives amounting to nothing but a grand Cosmic Joke( to which we all know the punchline) is an anxiety that lurks just underneath everyone’s consciousness (by the way, the book is an excellent read).

            In my experience our actions and thoughts and words send out karmic ripples that affect us, those we love, and humankind in general. In fact, these ripples become so intertwined with past ripples and the ripples of others that we could never fully know the full implications of our actions. That’s why intention is so important. But here again, I have to concede the well-worn cliche that enough of the roads of hell are paved with good intentions…

            I am not an upstanding citizen. I break rules, I swear, I am oftentimes vulgar, and I am no “giant” among humans. I never invented anything worthwhile, or have I liberated throngs of men and women. There have been many times I have acted immorally, cowardly even. I was not a good role model for my younger siblings and quite possibly influenced them in bad ways. I have manipulated, stole, cheated, lied, used women (and been used). At various times in my life I have been hopelessly addicted, a criminal, a failed pimp, institutionalized, and seen and done things most people never live to retell. When I die, a significant portion of those who will bother to remember me will remember me as an asshole, or even worse. And they will have good reason to. In short, I am no gentleman. Nor do I want to be one.

            I am no longer the same man I was 22 years ago, and I do try an ethically and morally grounded life. I no longer pillage and plunder, but what I follow (to the best of my ability)  are precepts, not commandments, and life is a work of art, not a set of sums. I find that I am much happier when I make an effort to remember my transgressions. It makes me less prone to self-righteousness. I made a promise to myself many years ago I would never become one of those self-righteous reformed motherfuckers, who after pillaging and plundering all their lives, now go around evangelizing their worldview. Most of us have met, at one time or another, a "former sinner" who today spends his or her time telling everyone else how to live, which God to believe in, and the so-called motherfuckin "Truth." Self-righteousness -- that essentially selfish human weakness of seeing yourself as separate -- is most evident in the hypocrite. If you do not believe me, take a closer look around you, read the signs.

            Eric Hoffer proposed that self-righteousness (and fanaticism) are rooted in self-hatred and insecurity. He believed that a passionate obsession with the private lives of other people is merely a cowardly attempt to compensate for a lack of character in one’s own life. A core principle of Hoffer's was his insight that mass movements are interchangeable; he notes fanatical Nazis later becoming fanatical Communists, fanatical Communists later becoming fanatical anti-Communists, and Saul, persecutor of Christians, becoming Paul, a fanatical Christian. You can see this dynamic at work with the teabaggers which is a continuation of the right wing’s racist Southern Strategy. For the “true believer” the substance of the mass movement isn’t so important as that they are part of that movement.

            I think as a society we exemplify the grabbing and holding for attention that comes from a lack of self-esteem. How else can you explain the right wing (or “reality” TV shows)? We do this even in our quest for a “relationship,” or love. Love is spoken about as if it could be possessed.

            We watch people with boundary issues humiliate themselves on national TV and say to ourselves, smugly:

            We are seduced by that inner voice that tells us,“I would never do that!”

            We hear of the downfall of an acquaintance or friend we note:

            “I’m better than him/ her!”

            Most people, when they think of selfishness, think of the drive to acquire material goods, but there are many other forms of selfishness. Self-righteousness is about holding all the attention we can get, or denying others the possibility of sharing with us in any community. For the fact remains, dear reader, that if your most humiliating or shameful action were written on your forehead, you would pull your cap low. All of us would.

            And to give you a real world example of what I am talking about, someone took exception to my sense of humor recently. anyone who knows me even just a little biut, knows that my sense of humor is warped and definitely “inappropriate.” Shit, I’ve my life’s mission to be inappropriate. Now check this out: the person who took exception? I later found out that the current person she’s living with was the consequence of her taking away from the man’s legal wife. Appropriate my fuckin balls!

            We like to represent ourselves as being noble or “right.” I don’t give a fuck about “right,” I am interested in exploring the many levels of truth. And if I were being truthful with myself, I would note I could never condescend to tell someone else what’s appropriate or inappropriate. I was a fuckin criminal at one time, how hypocritical would that be? We like to present to the world this carefully manufactured, oh-so-socially-acceptable image, but God forbid if this pretentious exercise actually included taking yourself out of your comfort zone. Listen champ: what if the status quo you're so desperately trying to mimic needs to be changed in order for a just social order to exist.

            The car: Big shit, so you're destroying our ecology in style. The diamonds? Mined by children in Africa who don't live past adulthood. That iPad? Most likely put together by a pregnant woman who has considered committing suicide rather than continue to be subjected to work conditions that no “appropriate” society shoud accept. Appropriate? Who the fuck really gives a fuckin good goddam what you deem appropriate?!! Look in the mirror, motherfuckers.

            This form of behavior illustrates my point on the drawbacks of hypocrisy and self-righteousness. Simply put, some people see themselves as separate from the rest and they compensate for their perceived lack by labeling others as different or “less than.” Some define themselves almost exclusively by how much different (and better) they are than others. Is this a reality?

            I will state right here that I’m not concerned with “convincing” anyone of my worldview. I don't give a fuck about what you consider appropriate. My concern is to explore and attempt to present the truth as well as I can. Most of the idiots who condemn without reason or rhyme will never be convinced of anything except of the forthrightness of their own foolishness. Their labors are a lot like swirling your finger around your anus and proclaiming the resulting stink perfume.

            The essential point here, my “larger” heart tells me, is that all of life is fragile and interconnected. We have a more generous spirit when we are in touch with the fact that it is only when we look at the world purely through our ego-driven neuroses, that the world becomes fearful (or “inappropriate”). When we look at things from the mindset confined by self-righteous indignation we see only a void and the compulsive need to claim to be something better.

            My heart also tells me that if there is inequality, then the status quo needs to change. What if social acceptability isn't so goddamned acceptable? My conforming within the confines of social acceptability doesn’t equal growth. Just because I act as a gentleman, doesn’t mean I am evolving as a man, as a human being, as part of the evolutionary process. And don’t tell me I can come to your table only on your terms. That’s bullshit -- total hypocritical bullshit.

            My name is Eddie and I’m in recovery from civilization…