Hola mi gente,
I work at (not for) one of the largest penal colonies in the world, Rikers Island. It is a highly dysfunctional, violent world. I facilitate workshops at one of its most violent facilities. I will be writing more about those experiences very soon.
Today, this blog is about sex. Enjoy the holiday weekend to my readers in the USA.
Desire (or: Strange Sex)
It's so much better to desire than to have… The moment of desire, when you know something is going to happen -- that's the most exalting.
-- Anouk Aimee (1932–) French movie actress
I once dated a staggeringly beautiful woman. She was beautiful beyond anything I could approximate through mere words. Exotic, tall, with an arresting presence, and a curvy figure, she was every man’s dream made manifest. She said she loved my intelligence and confidence and the fact that her beauty didn’t intimidate me (it made me hard). As is true with most women like my friend, her love life was a mess: extremes between being lonely on the one hand and meeting jerks on the other.
I loved the heck out of her except there was one problem: she didn’t enjoy sex!
Contrary to what some people here think, I’m not a sex fiend. However, I do enjoy sex. And it wasn’t that she wasn’t “good in bed” (whatever the hell that means). Technically, she knew what she was doing. The problem was that she didn’t really like sex and was aversive to true intimacy (but that’s most people -- including women). Sex with my friend often felt as if she were performing a duty -- something necessary to keep me around. It was a real turn off. Of course, being with me means you’re going to open at least a little.
We didn’t last too long because it was frustrating for me to be around someone who saw sex as a duty and not an art to be practiced. We remained friends, however, and would keep in touch. One day, she called me. She had gotten engaged and was having the same problem. I suggested she participate in some tantric workshops, open up some of those energy centers.
This is not an uncommon problem. First, we all like what a childhood friend and I used to call “strange sex” -- sex with strangers, or new lovers. Moreover, women desire this also -- don’t give me that crap, you know you want to even if you don’.
Studies show that one of the most powerful fantasies, for both men and women, is sex with a stranger. But why is it that we seek the novelty? Why does sex often becomes stale, especially in long-term relationships? I think part of the reason is that we don’t work at sex. Too many of us are like my former lover -- sex is something you have to do to keep your man (or woman) from getting it from someone else (strange sex syndrome). It’s also because we often don’t screen our partners for their level of sexual desire -- especially over the long term. You know how it is: in the beginning you can’t seem to get enough of each other. New lovers will often accommodate one another and are happier than bugs in a rug. The problems don’t tend to emerge until much later.
Let me put it this way: if two committed people want to make love only once every six months, that’s perfectly fine -- there is no problem. It only becomes a problem when there’s difference in sexual desire.
Sure, one way to manage the problem is masturbation. Don’t look at me that way, married men and women masturbate -- it’s normal. But I didn’t want to be jerking off all the time having that lovely body next to me. That was too frustrating. I’ll do it once or twice, but I wanted her ready, willing, and able --reasonably speaking.
The other day a married friend of mine and I were having a conversation. He’s always asking me about my personal life. He has a beautiful wife that I always flirt with. It’s cool -- it’s an inside joke. I have nothing but the utmost respect for my friend and his wife. One day, he was reluctant to go home and when I asked him why, he said he had to go home because he and his wife had scheduled a sexual tryst. They have two young boys and I could identify: I remember when I was married and the sex had become more a duty than something to savor. In addition, busy lives means that sex has to be penciled in between soccer matches, birthday parties and PTA meetings. I laughed at him and told him to go home and perform!
There are many factors involved in low sexual desire, but for me the most important one is lack of creativity. We fall into our ruts -- the lick em, stick em, and cum school of sex. It gets stale ladies and gentlemen. There’s no role-playing, or if there is, there’s no energy behind it. Contrary to what you may have been told, sex isn’t a natural act, it must be practiced. In order for sex to remain viable, it must be an integral part of mutual growth. It must be almost like a religion. A religion in which both partners are transformed, becoming more evolved in the process.
If you can cultivate sexual energy in that way, then the sex never gets old, it’s always crisp, fresh, and new.
My name is Eddie and I’m in recovery from civilization…