The Friday Sex Blog [Goal-Oriented Sex]

Hola mi Gente,

When I was at the peak of blog writing several years ago, the Friday Sex blog was one of my favorite activities. There was a lot of interaction between myself and my readers and it was fun getting private questions from people curious about a wide range of sexual subjects. There were even some professional (and nonprofessional) models that would send me photos (as in the one below) to post on my blog. It seemed to me that those sex blogs epitomized the community-building and interaction that blogging is all about.

So here goes, the return of the Friday Sex Blog. If you have any questions or subjects you would for me to explore, please feel free to let me know. I promise to respect your anonymity if you so desire…

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The Futility of Goal-Oriented Sex

Too often sex resembles a contest. If there ever was a metaphor we need to do away with, it has to be the “war of the sexes.” In a patriarchal, zero-sum society, where the mentality of “winner takes all” prevails, it is no wonder that sex resembles a race. What should be something pleasurable and intimate instead becomes who can have the most intense orgasm, who can “do” who, who can suck better, or last longer, etc. It is absolutely startling...

One of the consequences of this mindset is that sex becomes something people do mindlessly, a transactional release often committed in the darkened corridors of their shame. What would happen to the simple of act of touching, for example, if we took the goal-oriented mindset away from it?

What if a man or woman touched you simply for the sake of touching?

What would it feel like if your lover bathed you with no expectation? Imagine being caressed for a long period of time, being bathed, towel-dried, massaged, pampered, touched, looked at, explored sensuously, lovingly, intimately -- without sex being the endgame.

What would that do to your comfort with intimacy, touch, and nudity -- to have your lover drink in your body with his or her eyes like that? Just for the sake of looking?

The first casualty of long-term relationships is often the loss of sexual expression in the form of excitement, playfulness, spontaneity, and seductive touching. Perhaps we all need a re-orienting toward pleasurable sensual feelings. Without sensuality there is no real sex, and without sex, there's no genuine intimacy. Emphasizing a creative-type exploration, in a relaxed, psychologically safe, non-goal oriented manner, sensual pleasure becomes a path to sexual healing or re-awakening.

Lovers develop assumptions (often based on misperceptions) and fall into ruts, creating awkwardness or an obstacle toward asking for a different type of touching.

Try the following exercise (if you don't have someone to do this with, I will gladly volunteer. Kidding!).

Exercise: Non- Genital Exploration/ Pleasuring

For this exercise, one partner should be the giver and the other the recipient. Interestingly enough, many men feel less comfortable as a receiver.

It is important before beginning to sit down and talk for a little while -- perhaps over coffee or a small meal. Some might prefer a drink, but keep in mind that alcohol is a sexual suppressant. Recall an experience when you both felt close and intimate. Express this feeling.

Gradually, allow your partner to caress your hands. Notice the differences in size and texture. Hands can communicate a lot.

If you choose to shower, experiment with different types of sprays and temperature. If bathing, try a new bath oil or soap.

Soap your partner's back, caressing it as you do. Trace the contours of the muscles with your fingers, gently massaging. Do the same with the front of your partner's body. Soap his or her neck. Skip the breasts and genital area for now. Soap your own body. Take in your lover's body as if you were looking for the first time.

Slowly, gently towel your partner and then move to the bedroom. The room should be comfortable and slightly dimmed. You should, however be able to see your lover's body. Have some soft music playing in the background.

Have the recipient lay face down. The recipient has three tasks: The first is to be passive and receive pleasure. The second is to keep the eyes closed throughout the exercise so as to be able to concentrate on the physical feelings and sensations. The third is to be aware of what parts of the body and what types of touch are sensuous.

The giver's tasks are is to provide the recipient with a variety of experiences that help increase awareness of sensual feelings. The giver can enjoy trying various types of touching and experience the body in new ways. The emphasis here is on exploring rather than arousing in order to get somewhere or prove something. The point is to feel comfortable, to enjoy the experience. Feel free to allow your creative energy to flow, embrace playfulness, be innovative. These are guidelines, not hard and fast rules.

Begin at your partner’s feet can caress them. Pay attention to the details, as if you were a tourist and your venue your lover’s body. Take notice of the texture of the skin, outline the counters your lover’s body with your fingers. Caress the nooks and crannies, the curves, and valleys. Gently massage, moving from the feet up to the legs, stopping to pay attention to all the details. For example, pay attention to rubbing the soft spot behind the knee. Examine and explore the thigh. Look for the little places you have never touched before. Massage the buttocks, some people carry baggage in this area because of its association with defecation, but the buttocks is one of the most sensitive and sensual areas of the body; they comprise an erogenous zone of a multitude of nerve endings.

In this manner, explore the whole of your lover’s body and when you have finished, switch roles. This is not a tit for tat game. The focus is on enjoying, exploring, touching, learning, comfort, developing trust, and sensuality. Because talking takes you away from bodily experiences, it is best to do this silently.

After, sit together over a cup of tea or coffee, and share your feelings and experiences. First share positive feelings and then express what might have felt problematic. Try to maintain a positive ratio and see the negative not as blame, but as a bridge to a closer intimacy.

My name is Eddie and I’m in recovery from civilization…

Labels: sex, sexual awareness, sexuality, touch

The Friday Sex Blog (The Caress)

Hola mi Gente,

I miss bloggin’ on a regular, but for some time now, I’ve lost the passion for it. What I can say? Maybe I'll dust off the once regular postings on human sexuality. LOL Here’s hoping you will be able to “un-bloat” from yesterday’s indulgences…

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The Caress

The following was inspired by a real person...

She felt like everything good and wholesome. Like the first warm breeze of spring and the refreshing taste of lemonade on a summer’s eve, the crisp autumn air promising change and the first snowball fight when you’re a kid. Her body was soft and full of promise and her grip strong and her heart beat rapidly against my chest. I could smell her shampoo as I breathed in her essence -- felt her downy hair... 

My name is Eddie and I'm in recovery from civilization

The Friday Sex Blog [The Caress]

¡Hola mi Gente!

I miss bloggin’ on a regular, but things have been hectic. What I can say, however, is that life is good. I love my job, enjoy interacting with the people there, and the spirit of the organization… all good.

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-=[ The Caress ]=-

The following was inspired by a real person...

            She felt like everything good and wholesome. Like the first warm breeze of spring and the refreshing taste of lemonade on a summer’s eve, the crisp autumn air promising change and the first snowball fight when you’re a kid. Her body was soft and full of promise and her grip strong and her heart beat rapidly against my chest. I could smell her shampoo as I breathed in her essence -- felt her downy hair…

The Friday Sex Blog [Goal-Oriented Sex]

¡Hola! Everybody...
I am looking forward to a relaxing weekend…

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-=[ The Futility of Goal-Oriented Sex ]=-

Too often sex resembles a contest. If there ever was a metaphor we need to do away with it has to be the “war” of the sexes. In a zero-sum society, where the mentality of “winner takes all” rules, it's no wonder that sex resembles a race or competition: who can have the most intense orgasm, who can “do” who, who can suck dick better, who can last longer, etc.

It’s absolutely mind-boggling...

What happens, in my view, is that sex becomes something people do mindlessly, often in the darkened corridors of their shame.

What would happen to the simple of act of touching, for example, if we took the goal-oriented mindset away from it?

What if a man or woman simply touched you?

What would it feel like if your lover simply bathed you with no expectation of sex? Imagine being caressed for a long period of time, being bathed , towel-dried, massaged, pampered, touched, looked at, explored sensuously, lovingly, intimately -- without sex being the endgame.

What would that do to your comfortability with intimacy, touch, and nudity -- to have your lover drink in your body with his or her eyes like that? Just for the sake of looking?

The first casualty of long-term relationships is often the loss of sexual expression in the form of excitement, playfulness, spontaneity, and seductive touching. Perhaps we all need a re-orienting toward pleasurable sensual feelings. Without sensuality there is no real sex, and without sex, there's no genuine intimacy. Emphasizing a creative-type exploration, in a relaxed, non-goal oriented manner, the sensual pleasure you can derive from touching and being touched, is a sure-fire path to sexual healing or re-awakening.

Lovers develop assumptions (often based on misperceptions) and fall into ruts, creating awkwardness toward asking for a different type of touching.

Try the following exercise

Exercise: Non- Genital Exploration/ Pleasuring

For this exercise, one partner should be the giver and the other the recipient. Interestingly enough, many men feel less comfortable as a receiver.

It’s important before beginning to sit down and talk for a little while -- perhaps over coffee or a small meal. Some might prefer a drink, but keep in mind that alcohol is a sexual suppressant. Recall an experience when you felt close and intimate. Express this feeling.

Gradually, allow your partner to caress your hands. Notice the differences in size and texture. Hands can communicate a lot.

If you choose to shower, experiment with different types of sprays and temperature. If bathing, try a new bath oil or soap.

Soap your partner’s back, caressing it as you do so. Trace the contours of the muscles with your fingers, gently massaging. Do the same with the front of your partner’s body. Soap his or her neck; skip the breasts and genital area. Soap your own body. Take in your lover’s body as if you were looking at a new person.

Slowly, gently towel your partner and then move to the bedroom. The room should be comfortable and slightly dimmed. You should, however be able to see your lover’s body. Have some soft music playing on the CD player.

Have the receiver lay face down. The recipient has three tasks. The first is to be passive and receive pleasure. The second is to keep their eyes closed throughout the exercise so as to be able to concentrate on the physical feelings and sensations. The third is to be aware of what parts of your body and what types of touch are sensuous.

The giver’s tasks are to provide the recipient with a variety of experiences so s/he can increase awareness of sensual feelings. The giver can enjoy exploring various types of touching and experience their body in a new way. The emphasis here is on exploring rather than attempting to arouse the partner or prove anything sexual. It’s important to feel comfortable and enjoy the experience.

Beginning with your partner’s feet, caress and hold your partner’s body. Notice the length of the toes, of the legs, the texture of the skin. Place your palms on the many curves and arches of your partner’ body, use your fingertips to follow the contours of your partner’s body. Slowly move up the leg, take time to explore the soft area behind the knees. Examine and explore the thighs and gently massage. Move to the buttocks and massage both simultaneously. Many people feel negative about this area because of the association with defecation and social taboos. The buttocks and anal area can be one of the most sensuous parts of the body; they comprise an erogenous zone with a multitude of nerve endings. Remember to touch in a manner that is enjoyable and sensuous.

When you have finished providing non-demand sensuous exploration, switch roles and repeat the exercise. Remember, this isn’t a tit for tat game. The focus is on exploring, enjoying, touching, learning, comfort and safety, and sensuality. Throw away the “agenda” and just be yourself.

After, sit together and over a drink or coffee, discuss the experience and share your feelings. It’s best not to talk while doing the exercise, because talking tends to take you away from your body, from your felt sense. Encourage sharing with one another in an open and joyful way. I guarantee you that if you incorporate this type of intimacy in your relationship on a regular basis you will be rewarded in ways you’d never imagine.

Love,

Eddie

The TGIF Sex Blog [Touch Me]

¡Hola! Everybody...
The cliché of March’s early roar has reared its head, leaving us with quite a bit of snow. Schools are closed, as are my offices, but I’m working anyway (I live within walking distance). Still, I console myself in the knowledge that it's great snuggling weather and that spring is just around the corner...

It’s Friday and that means it’s all about... S-E-X!

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-=[ Sensual Touch ]=-

Affectionate, sensual, and playful touching is a crucial part of body awareness and brain development. Everyone starts out in close, affectionate contact with their mothers and siblings. We are animals that nurse, that lick, and nuzzle one another as a way to reinforce intimate ties and that engage in controlled rough-and-tumble play as a way to hone our body maps, preparing us to deal with whatever life throws at us.

Frequent and early exposure to sensual touch is essential to normal, healthy brain development in humans. In fact, societies with anti-sex, anti-sensual attitudes are the most violent. The same was certainly true of our ancestors millions of years ago, when we were first beginning to develop our close-knit style of survival.

Sensual touch goes way back in our line and that’s why it remains part of our older sensory tract, no the newer one. Sensual touch flows into the brain through the more ancient spinal tract along with pain, itch, tickle, and temperature.

Infants that do not receive frequent sensual touch from their mothers grow up to be more anxious and neurotic than those that do, creating a reinforcing cycle. When emotionally deprived children grow up to be parents they tend to affectionately touch their children less than normal, passing down the emotional baggage down through the generations.

Sensual touch is especially critical for human development. It’s not merely that children deprived of physical affection often suffer from emotional problems later in life -0- though that is indeed extremely important. It goes even deeper, to the level of physical growth, health, and homeostasis. Our neurology evolved as a feedback loop, which is why touch is so important to our health and development. Consider that an infant deprived of physical touch will literally whither (and very likely get sick or even perish). I remember the sad stories of infants born with AIDS during the early history of that pandemic. Due to ignorance, many nurses refused to touch these infants, who would die early and horribly. One woman, horrified, opened a hospice for such infants and the main form of therapy was affectionate, gentle touching. Also consider, for example, the studies of what touch does for premature infants: Frequent, gentle massage causes them to gain weight up to 50 percent faster than if they receive minimal handling. It also makes their breathing and heartbeats healthier, and makes them more alert, less fussy, and better art sleeping. These benefits continue to follow them all through infancy and toddlerhood.

Though you may poke fun at the notion, affectionate touch is as important as nutrition. Ultimately, we are creatures of connection, and we seek touch and affection as we do nurturance, for that is what it is.

Love,

Eddie