Unreasonable Happiness

Hola mi Gente,
My default facial expression is a smile. I think it’s always been like that. Even photographs of me as an infant, you see that smile -- constantly. In fact, laughter -- often in the face of hardship -- is something I learned long ago. Even that day when a court was offering me 15 years to life as an opening bid, after freaking out, I went back to Rikers and laughed my ass off.

Island Life

The basic difference between an ordinary man and a warrior is that a warrior takes everything as a challenge, while an ordinary man takes everything as a blessing or a curse.
 -- Carlos Castaneda

Imagine spending the better part of a year living on an island paradise living off low hanging fruit. For company, you have the most beautiful woman (or man). You go barefoot for so long, your shoes no longer fit. Sounds great, right? A dream, a fantasy come true. And it was!

Except for one thing...Wherever I went, there I was.

Let me start over. I have to say that I honestly have no regrets. In fact, if I had to do it all over again, I would make all the same mistakes again -- only sooner. I know this sounds like a cliché (and it is), but it is true. This comes from gratitude. Gratitude is a kind of spiritual dignity. Everything I ever did, everything I have experienced, has conspired to create the man you see before you today. And for some time now, I have been truly genuinely grateful for who I am. It’s not ego. I meet plenty of people who say they love themselves, but what if what you’re “loving” is fucked up? LOL That’s ego, not love.

Every pain, every hardship, every mistake -- all of it -- I would do it all over again, and I have no regrets. Pain is a great teacher. I think it was the poet, Gibran, who said, “Pain is the breaking of the shell of your understanding.” Today, I try to welcome the negative, the ugly, the positive, and beautiful equally. Our feelings are our children and why would we abandoned the angels with dirty faces and keep only the well-mannered, socially acceptable feelings?

Back to the beach. There you are in one of the most beautiful places on the planet. You’re on an island untainted by pollution and modern technology. White sands, aquamarine water, pale blue skies smeared with occasional tufts of white cotton candy clouds. There is nothing but the moment and the attentions of a lover or friend. Paradise, right? But what if your state of mind doesn’t see it that way? What if you're more concerned with ruminating on the past (memories) and chasing the future (fantasy) than you are in enjoying that island paradise?

What I’m trying to say is that people (the lover/ friend), places (the island), or things (possessions) are not the prerequisites for happiness. If you’re feeling fucked up right now, it wouldn’t matter where you were, no sooner that you become habituated and the novelty wears off, you will be back to feeling fucked up. The sand will be too hot, the humidity unbearable, for example. Happiness and joy is a state of being, not a place. Sure, it’s easier to think that you could do the happy dance faster if your ideal man or woman was feeding you grapes on some isolated island paradise, but that’s bullshit.

I know... 

If you want to be happy (and let’s face it, some of us don’t), then all you have to do is create it. I am a sun worshiper, for example, and my idea of retirement would be to run a used bookstore on some tropical island (mate optional). Still, I have lived on that island all these years and you can too. Let’s try a quick exercise. Try to envision your concept of what you think will make you happy. What is your fantasy of happiness? For example, if my island fantasy is to your liking, imagine yourself there. How would you act? How would you look, talk, and walk? What would your frame of mind be like? How would you feel inside?

Got it? Hold it in your mind. Get all the details down, from your smile to your manner of dress, attitude, etc. 

Now here’s my last question for you: what’s stopping you from living like that right now?

My name is Eddie and I’m in recovery from civilization... 

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Sunday Sermon [Sh!t Happens]

Hola Everybody,
I had the pleasure attending the 10th Annual Citizens Against Recidivism Awards dinner and being around some very powerful people . It is an important function because it is about those who have been incarcerated recognizing the accomplishments of formerly incarcerated visionaries, bridge-builders, researchers, and advocates.

Too often, we only hear about formerly incarcerated people when we do something wrong. We never hear about those who have returned to their communities to create organizations, organized for social justice, address violence, and have given of their time to make the world a better place.

Personally, I feel honored to have been a recipient of the advocacy award. Further, I am honored to be part of a group of people who have emerged from the ugliness and dehumanization whole and full of light that they share freely.

When Shit Happens

When I was a much younger man, I worked with a group that loved to play pranks. Of course, I was a leader of that pack. While visiting one of my friends, I got in into my head to order a truckload of sand and have it sent to my other friend’s home across the street. My friend’s father had a lawn that he loved more than his own son, and that upped the wow factor up a few notches. My accomplice/ friend upped the ante even more when he suggested we change the order from sand to fertilizer. Pure genius!

We made the call, put in the order for a truckload of fertilizer, and gave our friend’s address across the street. We sat by the window and waited... 

A while passed and we saw the truck pull up to our co-worker’s residence and then something happened we didn’t plan for: the driver dumped the fertilizer right there on the lawn!

This took the prank to a whole other level. We were beside ourselves with laughter. The sight of our co-worker’s mother running out and then his father and the ensuing argument was priceless. Then our friend came out, looked around and it hit him that he was being pranked. We could see the look on his face!

I know, I know, it’s fucked up, immature, and yeah, it was wrong, but we were young, and dumb. Shit happens all the time. The Buddhists have a pretty cool teaching story/ metaphor for this truism.

Imagine you’re having a beautiful day at home with your spouse. All of sudden, out of the blue, you realize someone has dumped a truckload of shit on your front lawn. There are four realities to this situation:

1. You did not order it. It’s not your fault.
2. You’re stuck with it. No one saw who dumped it, so you can’t call anyone to tow it away.
3. It’s filthy and offensive, the aroma fills your whole house. It’s almost impossible to endure.
4. No, I didn’t order it.

In this metaphor, the truckload of shit on your front lawn symbolizes the traumatic experiences that are dumped on us in this life. As with the truckload of shit, there are four things to know about the tragedies in our lives:

1. We did not order it. It’s not our fault.
2. We’re stuck with it. No one, not even those who love us most, can take it away (though they try).
3. It is awful, it destroys our happiness, and its pain fills our life. In fact, at times it feels as if it almost impossible to endure
4. No, I didn’t cause it.

Taking into consideration the above realities, there are several ways we can respond when shit happens. The first way (and this seems the most popular) is to carry the shit around with us. Some of us put the shit we’re handed in our pockets, and in our baggage. We even put some down in our pants. What happens is that some of us quickly realize carrying shit around leads to the loss of many friends. Even your best friends don’t like the smell of shit.

“Carrying around shit” is a metaphor for falling for the seduction of depression, anger, or negativity. This isn’t unusual. In fact, it’s a natural and understandable response to adversity. But our loved ones disappear because it equally natural and understandable that our friends don’t like being around us when we’re so depressed. The smell of shit often gets worse, not better.

But there is another response we can choose. When we find that we’ve been handed a truckload of shit, we can acknowledge the tribulation, sigh, and then get to working. We can bring out the tools and shovel the shit into our wheelbarrow, wheel it and dig it into our garden. This hard, exhausting, and often very difficult work, but deep down we know there’s no better option.

Some days, we can barely fill our barrow. But the fact that we’re doing something about the problem helps lift us out of our depression. Every day, we dig into that shit, and the pile begins to get smaller. Sometimes it takes years, but the time comes that the shit on your front lawn is all gone. In addition, something else has happened. The flowers in our garden are bursting out in a riot of color all over the place. The sweet perfume wafts down so that your neighbors and even people passing through smile in delight.

Your fruits and vegetables are nearly bursting with ripe fullness. In addition, the fruit is so sweet, you can’t possibly buy anything like it at the local supermarket. We share those gifts freely, even with strangers, without planning to, or expecting anything in return.

“Digging into the shit” is a metaphor for welcoming the tragedies of life. It is work that we often have to do alone -- though for deep shit, we might need some assistance. Some trauma needs to be addressed skillfully and we don’t always have the right tools. But toiling in the garden of our solitude, day by day, lessens our pain. 

When we have lived through tragic pain, learned its lesson for us, and toiled, then we can put our arms around another experiencing deep loss and say softly say to them, “I know.” And they will realize that you understand. It is here that compassion begins. We can show them the gardening tools and offer them encouragement. But if we haven’t grown our own garden, this is a hidden gift we cannot offer.

My name is Eddie and I’m in recovery from civilization…

When Things Fall Apart

Hola everybody,
Here’s a reminder that popped into my head last night as I was sending out resumes, cover letters, ad composing writing samples: I can control the efforts, but not the outcomes. That’s a difficult house rule to accept, but it is true.

I continue to look for employment and it’s been challenging. I keep hearing the dreaded phrase (implied or otherwise) that I’m over-qualified. 

I am trying to start an initiative geared to upgrading my social media presence (especially blog) with the purpose of amplifying the voices of the people we never hear. If you would like to support my writing and activist efforts, you can donate here [LINK]. If you are unable to donate, please consider sharing with your contacts. Thanks.

When Things Fall Apart

When we protect ourselves so we won’t feel pain, that protection becomes like armor, like armor that imprisons the softness of the heart.
 -- Pema Chödrön

I want to say that from the get that it’s OK to feel bad. I mean, I'm going through a very dark period right now and it feels as if my life is falling apart. It seems that I’m losing not just my livelihood, but my identity. I am questioning myself and I am wondering if activism is something I should continue as my life’s passion. I mean, I try to maintain my sense of humor and I put in the effort every-fuckin-day, but there’s a sadness inside me right now and I need to honor that. I need to embrace that.

I think we live in a society that pressures us to feel “positive.” I call it the Happiness Syndrome -- a marketization of modern life that tells us that if you are not happy (as with being poor) there is something wrong with you. But what does happiness or “being positive mean”? Sometimes we break down, man. Life is hard. And we need to embrace those feelings too. 

Pema Chödrön, abestselling author and famous Buddhist nun, was a regular woman who grew up in NJ, taught elementary school, and had two children. Her life fell apart, she says when she discovered that her husband of eight years was having an affair and left her while her children were very young. She wrote a book that has saved what little sanity I can claim, WhenThings Fall Apart. I have also been fortunate enough to have attended one of her workshops in the past. 

All of us have at one time or another had our lives fall apart. A loved one is diagnosed with a terminal illness, we lose our job and in the process, our identities, a relationship ends, we are battling an addiction or someone we love dies. Whatever the event, we did nothing to deserve it. Bad things happen to good people all the time.

The trick is to reframe what is happening to us. To get out of the seduction of the story and get into the gifts and opportunities presenting themselves. I am not saying this is easy. Believe me, this is hard. But it is possible if we can surrender to what is happening.

Here, let use my current predicament as a starting point:

Version One

It seems I cannot get a job commensurate with my experience and education to save my life. I am about to get my phone cut off, I am living in my sister’s house, so technically I’m homeless. I was just fired from a job after less than three months. I have been turned down for other positions for being overqualified and when I apply for a higher position, my lack of a graduate degree is an obstacle (I never finished my graduate studies). No one seems interested in helping fund my initiative, and to add insult to injury, I was turned down for a job as a stock clerk. In addition, I am about to get my phone cut off and lose my property in storage.

That shit right there is deep enough to make one run for the serotonin intake line, right?

Well, here is another story, this story is true:

In his story, the experience being unemployed is a great lesson and a testament to my character. I am incredibly fortunate that I have the presence of mind and convictions to refuse to do work that is demeaning to me and the people I am supposed to be serving. In this story I am not some lightweight, but someone who has been recognized by his peers as an exemplary activist/ advocate. In this story, the universe has manifested an amazing opportunity to prove to myself and everyone around me how strong I am and that I could handle myself with dignity and grace in the face formidable challenges. Is that not a gift?

Admittedly, this version of the story is a hard one to swallow and certainly a hard one to tell. The “woe is I” version is easier and I do not have to stretch myself by having actual compassion for my situation and the people who have not hired me. LOL

But there is a part of me that says, “Wow. What an amazing lesson from the universe to teach you forgiveness and compassion,” when I am tempted to indulge a fit of pity and anger. There’s a part of me that says, “Look at all the amazing things you are doing with your life now. You wouldn’t be doing any of these things if this hadn’t happened to you.”

So in my writing and my actions, rather than pouring out all the self-righteous anger and sadness I am experiencing, I spend more time noting all the lessons. All the things I am learning about myself. All of the old behavioral patterns I am breaking. All of the amazing friends and family I have in my life who are there showing up for me and being there in ways you can’t even imagine. All of the friendships that have been strengthened because I was learning how to ask for help-- something I almost never allow myself.

All of us are going through something right now. What I have learned is, as awful as these things are when they happen, they are always temporary. They pass in time and happiness and joy find their way to us again. So, just for today I have chosen to not be a passive observer of my “story.” Today I’m choosing to be an example of all the wonderful things that can happen when things fall apart.

As my life falls apart, I am broken open and I am coming together like never before. And as all these things happen, I see that I have a responsibility to be an example of how to reframe the tragedies in our life and create something magnificent out of it. Or I could choose to stay in the resentment.

I only wish that what follows falling apart -- coming together -- happened a little quicker. LOL

My name is Eddie and I’m in recovery from civilization…

Visualizing Happiness

Hola mi gente,
If you can pleas contribute to my fundraising campaign. I want to create an independent initiative that will make it possible to amplify the voices that are often missing from the process of creating social policy. My goal is to get a significant portion of the funding from people rather than corporations or the government they own. Even 100 people contributing $25 will bring me that much closer to my goal.

I’m thinking small right now, but to paraphrase, never underestimate the power of a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens to change the world. You can find out more and donate here.

Sometimes I write stuff I think might inspire others. Today I am posting this in order to remind myself as well… Maybe I need to visualize the gig that heart’s passion desires. LOL

The Happiness Cross-Training Machine

Genuine happiness is a possibility for everyone. But before I could realize that possibility I had to drop the misconception that I was that unique. Once I did that, I found out that I could be happy too! Now, ain't that some shit?!

Furthermore, I discovered that genuine happiness was not as hard as I thought it was. In fact, all it takes is 10-20 minutes a day of some simple exercises and poof! All that misery is out. This is true, for less than the time it takes you to watch some bullshit reality show, you can be happy. It is that simple. Oh yeah, I also discovered that there was a hidden part of me that would have rather died than be happy because what the fuck would I do if I were truly happy, right?! I mean, I had invested a lot of time and energy into being a miserable motherfucker, that shit ain’t easy to do, you know.

Of course, I’m exaggerating (somewhat), but believe me, there's a way, it's not hard, and it's possible. We can create (actually, we already do) the world you want. It's just a matter of understanding how the mind works and changing the current software (mind) you are using and your fears turn into self-confidence, self-loathing becomes self-appreciation, and so on.

People do this all the time, what makes you think we’re that different? Actually, those of us stuck in the shit want desperately to cling to this notion of what I have heard called “terminal uniqueness.” It's terminal because it kills. It kills as surely cancer kills. I'm serious as a heart attack (LOL! See what I did there?).

There is another world right before our eyes many of us are not even aware of and all we have to do is wake up to that possibility. I'll leave you with the following story… 

I took a yoga class once as part of an elective in my undergraduate work. The instructor was this zany New Age, energy freak type -- at least that was my impression of her. Anyway, we connected somehow and one day while looking directly at me (or at least I thought), she offered to do a mental exercise with the class. She started with stating the fact that she owned a beautiful home on the beach. She added that before she bought the home she envisioned the home in every detail.

She told us that we too can have what we want if we can envision it and proceeded to take us on a guided image meditation. First she asked us to imagine something that we wanted and to visualize in exacting detail. If it was a moment in time in the future, what kind of day is it? Is it sunny, rainy? If it's something material like a home, what color is it, where is it? What does it look like inside, the furniture, the paint on the walls? etc.

She went on like this for about 15 minutes. Most of the students were giggling, thinking the exercise stupid. Truth be told, I also thought it was dumb, but I followed her instructions to the letter. The really important part, according to the teacher, was that at the end of the visualization you had to imagine a “big, cosmic mailbox” and you were to place the vision you created during the exercise in a “big cosmic envelope” and clearly see yourself putting this envelope in that big cosmic mailbox. By now, people were laughing openly. I thought this part was really stupid, but I did it anyway.

She told us that we had to do this daily in order for it to work and she assured us that this was how she got her beautiful seaside home. She also stated that she used the gift of her home to promote the gifts that she herself received as a yoga teacher/ practitioner. After class, she stopped me and asked me if I really did the exercise and I nodded in the affirmative. She told me, “Good, do it every day because I see an energy surrounding you... ” I was taken back a little, but I felt her warmth and I nodded my head and just smiled at her.

I followed her instructions to a tee and did this visualization for some time and I 'm here to tell you that my vision came true. My vision, you ask? My vision was what my life as like 5 years later: the work that I do, my personal life -- everything. My vision, even how I dressed and smiled, and the sun shining through the window in my office, how I feel -- all of it came true.

Those that know me, know that I think that book/ video The Secret is a bunch of bullshit. It is! It's what some call a form of spiritualmaterialism. I don't really think envisioning material wealth is a very spiritual thing. After all, what happens when the beautiful home burns down? But I won't get into that today. What I want to make clear here is that I'm not saying that visualization itself is enough to create a world. Still, it's a beginning. You can achieve what you cannot envision.

For me, genuine happiness comes from not attaching it to any person, place, or thing. That was what I wanted most -- to be relieved of having my happiness depend on you. Well, not the you you, I’m using the word figuratively. I’ll use an example from my own life. Yesterday, I was turned down for two jobs. Right now I don’t have my own place to stay, I owe a ton of money, and I am under a lot of stress to get it together. All this could easily drive me to depression, or at least a major depressive episode. I am aware that all this matters -- I mean -- I can’t even pay the rent. But because my happiness is not centered on all that, I have some strength to draw from. I mean, at the very least, I’m probably the best-dressed technically homeless man in NYC (Hey! is there a contest for that?!). 

Today, I understand a little better how this works and it's all about reprogramming the mental software folks. And I’m here to remind myself and to tell you that we can create the world and life we desire. Part of my motivation is that I would like to create at least part of that world with you. We can have human justice. We can have a voice. We just have to entertain that possibility. And for less than the time it takes you to watch a reality show, you can create a whole universe. 

Now, let me go envision what I want my campaign to look like… LOL

My name is Eddie and I’m in recovery from civilization…