Friday, May 30, 2008

[un]Common Sex Blog [Opening in Sex]

¡Hola! Everybody,
Unfortunately, I got some bad personal news last night as I was returning home. Today, I will be busy attending to that issue. I do hope you all have a great weekend. I’m looking forward to continuing my decorating projects and making this space my home. Last week, I was reading in my space in the backyard and what a pleasure that was. There are wild roses springing up everywhere!

Sex and the City opens here this weekend and I’m sure all my girl friends will be flocking to see it. I hated the series. Lemme see: professional, supposedly “independent,” successful, and highly educated women who nonetheless still measure their lives by the men they have/ don’t have? BLAH! I believe the film will be wildly successful because 1) A film (written and directed by a man) on relationships is catnip for women, 2) You can’t beat NYC as a supporting character, and 3) shoes.

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-=[ Opening in Sex ]=-

[Note: Yeah, yeah, yeah – I know some of you are sick and tired of me writing about “opening your heart.” Yet, the fact remains that so many of you constantly complain about your man/ woman not opening, or your inability to find someone to “open up.” What I find is that what many women call “opening up” is not really about opening up, but rather me conforming to what they perceive as opening up.

Two different things.

The latter is about control, not opening up in a mutually honest and respectful manner. My other observation is that even if I were to conform to a woman’s idea of opening up, she will eventually lose respect for me, because her concept of opening up is fundamentally flawed.]

Below is one way to practice opening up and living your life as a gift of opening and giving…

I fucked up and said something stupid that hurt her emotionally. I apologized and tried talking to her, but it made no difference. So there we were in bed, together and at the same time miles apart, emotionally. She was hiding behind an icy wall of protection, her body, tense, unmoving. Her face is a frozen reflection of tension, anger, and hurt.

I love her. So I tenderly touch her with my hand. No response. I take her hand in mine and I softly caress her cheek, run my hand over her shoulder and lightly caress and massage her. I try to give her as much love as I can. And she relaxes just a little. I touch her, caress her, I try to feel her emotions and responses. After a while, she turns and faces me, and with a sad smile, she pulls me closer.

I roll on top of her, pinning her beneath me. I am relaxed, my belly soft against hers, my breath full and deep. All the while, I am looking into her eyes, trying to give her love through my eyes, my stomach, my body, my breath.

She closes down again, my actions perhaps violating her momentary battle lines/ boundaries. I am not forcing myself, I’m persisting as love. I’m slowly, softly pressing my love into her, my warmth penetrating her skin reaching her heart.

She begins to respond, opening more. I can feel her belly softening as I sin more deeply into her. As her tension releases, tears well in her eyes and roll down her cheeks. I kiss her tears and she holds me tightly against her. From the depths of my heart I feel her, as if my heart could find her in the depths of the ocean of her very being.

Her opening is so inviting, so pure and so attractive. I sink more deeply into her and it is then I feel the tension around my own heart. It is the tension of being in charge, of still trying to serve her instead of being in loving communion with her. So I relax the subtle tension in my heart and stop trying to “fix” her or myself and with that, I begin to do away with the obstruction to our pure loving. Her guard is down, her hear open and mine follows. There is no me to help, no her to save and I find we are completely surrendered to an open, unguarded unfolding of love.

We can learn to have sex (yes, I said have sex, not make love) with a completely vulnerable and open heart. Actually, it’s probably one of the most powerful ways to open. Of course, many women will say that they can’t do that with just anyone and that’s mostly because they can’t open up.


And it’s not just women, it’s men too, but I mention women specifically because there’s this whole stereotype of the innate receptiveness of women. Women are just as, if not more, closed than men.

If you’re worried about being hurt, you’re closed. No one can hurt you if you don’t allow them to, it’s that simple.

Whatever… I digress.

We can learn to have completely open sex, but the heart may be closed. So it follows that you can use sexual practice as a way for opening the heart and dismantling its defenses.

There are two types of heart closure. One is long-term closure. If you have lived for years with a closed and protected heart, it will takes months of practice to untie the knots of fear and tension that have become stored in your body. (squeak! LOL)

The other form of closure is short term and acute – intense. Something happens – your partner says something to hurt you as in the example above – and you close down. You’ve been hurt and you don’t want to hurt anymore. And you’re certainly in no mood to fuck (“give love”). So you guard your heart to protect yourself and withhold love to hurt back.

Both of these closures can be dissolved through sexual practice. You can actually use sex to melt away the frozen tundra of your heart. You can use the heat of sex to melt away the rigid (and false) protection of fear. You can use the love of sex to become receptive to your partner, inviting him or her to abandon their battle lines. You can use the humor of sex to bring laughter into every wounded inch.

All kinds of emotions may rise to the top through this process. In unguarding your heart, the stress that was being used to maintain the barricade is released and emotional expressions of rage, laughter, tears, striking out, and unadulterated hate come out. And that’s how it should be. You’re releasing toxins from your mind/ body so take precautions in order to ensure a safe environment, but expect long-repressed emotions to boil off as the walls of your heart melt away.

And trauma and hurt is not excuse: no matter how hurt to the core, you must eventually learn to practice loving with an unguarded heart if you’re to throw away the emotional crutches.

The other option is to continue guarding your heart by closing down and separating from the one you love (or could love). Sometimes we’re not ready and it’s necessary to guard. You may feel you will lose yourself if you open into your partner. And this is fuckin’ true! With practice, you will lose yourself – into love.

Into shredded, pure, unadulterated love.



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