Secrecy, Shame, Taboo

¡Hola! Everybody...
Remember the old caution about throwing stones? How many of you could withstand even the slightest scrutiny? From what I see, those who squawk the loudest -- the ones running around like a bunch of silly biddies -- they’re the ones with the most to hide. Like caged zoo primates, they fling the excrements of their insecurities to all who venture to pass by, and they lose ground in the process.

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-=[ Secrecy, Shame, Taboo ]=-

“There is hardly anyone whose sexual fantasy life, if it were broadcast, would not fill the world with surprise and horror.”

“We cannot change anything unless we accept it. Condemnation does not liberate, it oppresses.”

-- Carl Jung

[I challenge anyone to look at today's blog photos and tell me, with a straight face, that people in this society don't entertain erotic fantasies about children.]

A popular and influential evangelical leader known for his fierce anti-homosexual agenda is caught having a homosexual affair.

A televangelist, noted for his “family values” stance is caught soliciting prostitutes with money taken from his flock.

A senator noted for repeatedly voting for policies detrimental to gays is caught acting out in a public men’s room.

A church allows decades of sexual abuse to go unpunished and resists attempts to uncover the widespread practice.

Pornography sales in the Bible Belt outstrip all other demographics.

I could go on, but what all of the above share in common is complex neurotic behaviors involving repression. As that repression develops and/or continues to develop, internalized feelings of anxiety leads to behavior that is illogical, anti-social, and often self-destructive.

Repression is never a good substitute for morality and people often mistake one for the other. I wrote recently that fantasies, many of which most of us would find disturbing, are quite normal. Others responded by hurling accusations and all the nonsense that plagues social networking sites (see my comment about the feces-flinging monkeys above).

I have written a lot about sex and sexuality mostly because we live in a society that treats sex as something dirty. We keep sex tucked away in the darkness where its most horrible manifestations emerge to create the most damage. Let’s be clear: the most horrific sexual abuses occur in homes shrouded with secrecy, shame, and taboo. Sex lurks in our collective shadow selves and those most fearful want it kept that way. And in that way we continue to recreate the crimes.

An intelligent look into sexual fantasies reveals that virtually everyone fantasizes about someone other than his or her steady partner on a regular basis. One will readily note, looking at the subject empirically, that many people suffer shame and guilt (always good breeding ground for sexual abuse) about the “perverse” nature of their fantasies. One need not be a survivor of sexual abuse to fantasize about being abused -- but if you have been a victim, you are more likely to repeat the abuse in fantasy form. Finally, bondage, sadomasochism, incest, and voyeurism are common fantasies of “normal” people.

Yes, you can have a sexual fantasy of your child and not be a demented sexual predator. In fact, many people do and never act out on them. I will take it a step further and say that if you can’t properly process your fantasies, you’re more likely to act out on them. One reason for that is that fantasies are a safe way to explore otherwise dangerous, destructive, or illegal acts. The message of my Friday post was that it’s important to remember that just because you fantasize about something doesn’t mean you’d actually do it, even if you could. Fantasizing about a homosexual encounter, bondage, or incest may be a way to discharge your fears, or perhaps your curiosity, about such practices. For example, it is fairly well-known that some women fantasize about being raped -- but that doesn’t mean they are actually desiring to be forced to have sex.

As a man, I can tell without reservation that an overwhelming majority of men entertain erotic fantasies about minor-aged females. The vast majority of these men, do not act out on those fantasies.

Studies at the Masters and Johnson Institute have shown that women who have “unusual” fantasies (of being raped, having sex with animals, or incestuous relationships) have absolutely no interest in actually doing these things. I would be concerned if a person admitted to not having sexual fantasies.

Fantasies get out of control when they become a paraphilia -- obsessive thought constellations that then become compulsions. But that’s a lot different than having a fantasy. A sexual fantasy takes place in the largest human erogenous zone -- our minds. Those who are unable to properly process their fantasies often act them out mindlessly. These individuals, as far as I’m concerned, suffer from lack of impulse control. In other words, it’s not the fantasy that’s the issue but the individual. Contrary to what these country muthafuckas are saying, having a fantasy is not the same, nor is it a first step, in acting them out.

If you’re unaware of something, how can you address it? This is why you see all the dysfunction going on these social networking sites, these are people afraid of a new (or any) thought that veers from their comfort zone. And, it seems to me, their comfort zone is littered with shit.

Love,

Eddie