Relationship Thursdays [Beginnings]

Hola mi Gente,

One of the pleasures of living in a temperate is the change of seasons. It is getting warm and he days are getting longer. People are coming out of the doldrums of winter. Life is good… 

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Child with egg

Relationships and Beginnings

We love because it is the only true adventure.
-- Nikki Giovanni

I’m truly not very good at beginnings. Perhaps it’s because of my intense and passionate nature, or the fact that I'm a moody ma'fucca, whatever the reason, beginnings with me are difficult, to put it mildly. I used to like to think that I made beginnings difficult on purpose, as a way to avoid contact, but honestly speaking, that is too simplistic. Fact is I’m not “normal” in any sense of the word. Therefore, getting to know me is, like, “never a dull moment.” LOL My values, perspectives, worldview, etc., are quite outside the norm, so to “begin” with me is to enter uncharted territory. A no-man’s (woman’s?) land in the war of the sexes complete with hidden traps and land mines.

In addition, like most people (I’m not that unique), I have trust issues compounded by a subtle fear of abandonment. So sometimes I misread signs and say, “Fuck this, I’m outtie.” In other words, I can be very insecure in the beginning. Once I become comfortable with the trust factor, everything is cool, but in the beginning, I’m ever vigilant, weighing words with actions and seeing how closely those two are in alignment. Paradoxically, when it comes to affairs of the heart, I give freely, caution thrown to the wind. As far as I’m concerned, it is the only way to love. However, that doesn’t mean I’m stupid when it comes to my heart. After all, in love and war, discretion is the better part of valor.

But I do love openly, completely, without fear. I can go there to that place no one wants to go. In fact, that place is my playground. You know the place I’m talking about: that place no one can go -- that secret garden where your inner girl patiently waits for her love.

Yeah, that place… 

I like to believe that if I were to hold you for a very long time, I could make everything all right. It’s a fantasy, for sure, but I like it. There is a caution here, however, Long hugs might lead to other “issues.” LMAO! I’m kidding!

But I digress! I believe that is the other reason why beginnings so difficult for me: I’m open. There’s no game here. Well, at least no trivial game. I put my cards on the table, attempt to communicate clearly, and just put it out there. Don’t get me wrong, I’m no bull in a china shop, I can be very subtle, but I am clear and it has been my experience that people in general don’t like clarity. On the contrary, most people seem to go for the muddy waters of ambiguity where it’s easier to disguise the unlikable parts of ourselves. It’s like fucking in the darkened corridors of our shame.

So yeah, beginnings for me are difficult. I’m good at middles and damn sure have enough experience with endings, but beginnings? I dunno… 

My name is Eddie and I’m in recovery from civilization…