Sunday Sermon [F.E.A.R.]

Hola Everybody,
This election cycle is, among many other things, a reminder how fear-based living creates suffering. It also embraces authoritarianism and I’m not talking about the Orange One.

Feeding the Demon

Fear: Fuck Everything And Run

The following is based on a true event, but it reminds of a story I read about a long time ago... 

I took the train one night and, as is often the case on weekends, the NYC mass transit system (MTA) is a complicated mess. Most of the construction and structural upgrades occur during the weekends, so trains are re-routed, stations by-passed and it’s almost impossible to keep track. As a result, there are usually mobs of clueless tourists moving about aimlessly in our transit system. As a result, part of being a New Yorker is often adopting the duty of a de facto tour guide.

And so it was that night, when a tourist (don’t ask, you can tell) approached me for assistance. I assured her the oncoming train would take her to her destination (she and I were getting off on the same stop) and, as she struck up small talk, the train began to roll into the station.

As we entered, I immediately sensed something weird in the car. Everyone seemed tense and, sure enough, there was a person talking very loud, using profanity, and it had everyone ill-at-ease. As a New Yorker you learn to ignore such outbursts. Paying too much attention, or being obvious about one’s attention, often serves to encourage unwanted behavior. So being able to ignore unusual behavior becomes second nature to most New Yorkers. 

Unfortunately, Tourist Lady wasn’t a New Yorker and she committed infraction no.1: she made eye contact with the individual, who seemed especially belligerent. I took her by the elbow, guiding her to a transit map with the outward intention of showing her where she should get off. My real intention was to try to deflect the unwanted attention she was unwittingly inviting. I hoped that this would help sever the connection between Belligerent Subway Dude and Tourist Lady. 

No dice... 

Belligerent Dude, who was apparently drunk, sidles up to us and asks Tourist Lady if she needs some assistance with directions. Tourist Lady (who’s not drunk, merely naïve), answers, in what could have been construed as a snobby dismissal, that no, she didn’t need help (and I believe she even threw in a little eye-roll to boot).

This, of course, sets Belligerent Dude off who starts in on her, making comments about her that weren’t too nice. Naïve Tourist Lady, instinctively edges closer to me and realizes, too late, that she probably shouldn’t have paid any mind to Belligerent Dude because he’ drunk. Belligerent Dude thinks she is a snobby bitch and expresses that sentiment for all to hear.

Belligerent Dude begins talking about Tourist Lady's breasts, her legs, I mean, he’s just going off on her, and I know she’s embarrassed. Out of the blue, from the other end of the car, a man yells out, “Shut the fuck up, already!” and Belligerent Dude, as if on cue, goes off on that individual. In fact, he threatens the individual, who I shall call Fake Brave Guy, with a severe “beat down.” Once Fake Brave Guy realizes that he will have to exert more than bravado in order to handle Belligerent Dude, he backs off a little, but Belligerent Dude, who’s also a big dude, gets right in Fake Brave Guy’s face and challenges him -- actually calls him a “fuckin pussy,” adding that he will “kick his motherfuckin ass” for good measure.

Fake Brave Guy suddenly remembers the next stop is his and quickly makes his exit. Of course, I’m sitting there hoping Belligerent Dude finds something else to do, but fuckin Tourist Lady is still staring at him. So, Belligerent sits right across from us and continues his running commentary on Tourist Lady’s physical attributes. And I’m sitting there thinking that reading my ebook is all I want to do. And now, he’s starting to get on my nerves.

Finally, I tell Belligerent Dude, “Listen man, why you gotta disrespect me like that? Can’t you see she’s with me? I mean, how would you like it if someone talked about your woman like that right in front of you? That shit ain’t right... ” I added a few choice words of my own and stared right into his eyes, hoping that my once vaunted psycho-I-don't-give-a-fuck-look hadn’t softened from lack of use, but it wasn’t working. Tourist Lady also chose this point in time to move away from me a little, apparently undecided whether I was the pan or the fire. In other words, my psycho look worked on her rather than on Belligerent Dude.

Belligerent Dude responded by informing me that he was, in fact, on his way to meet his woman, and if anybody spoke to his woman in the manner that he was speaking to Tourist Lady (now my woman), he would kick that motherfucker’s ass. It was an obvious challenge, but one I was determined to ignore.

I looked at him as if I was tired and before I could say anything more, an older man sat next to Belligerent Dude and, in a soothing voice, began talking to him. At first Belligerent Dude was hostile to the old man, but because the old man was non-threatening and seemed genuinely interested in him -- asking him about his girlfriend and how she was -- Belligerent Dude directed his focus from me and started talking to the old man. 

In a loud voice, Belligerent Dude began talking about his woman, in the process enumerating all her great qualities, and how he couldn’t wait to see her. The old man continued in this vein, asking more questions, and generally managing to communicate the feeling that he was interested in Belligerent Dude’s story -- in him as an individual. Eventually, as Belligerent Dude continued to vent and he disclosed more and more, he revealed that he hadn’t seen his woman in a long time, and that he wasn’t sure that she would see him, and with the old man’s prompting, Belligerent Dude’s tough facade cracked a little as he continued to talk.

He had just come out of jail, he told the old man, and he didn’t really have anyone. All he had, he said, was that he was headed to the last known address of the woman he loved, but he was afraid that she wouldn’t be there, or if she was, if she would even accept him.

As the train arrived at my stop and I got off (with Tourist Lady close behind), the last thing I saw was the old man comforting Belligerent Dude, who had completely broken down sobbing like a child... 

My name is Eddie and I’m in recovery from civilization… 

The Beyond Help Series [Pain and Suffering]

Hola! Everybody,
I’ve been keeping away from posting on the current state of politics because a part of me doesn’t want to give terribly flawed POTUS candidates any attention. I am disgusted by the corporate media’s reality show treatment of this critical moment in our history. I guess that’s it: I’m disgusted.

However, I’m sure I’ll be back at it tomorrow.

Acceptance, Pain & Suffering

Pain is the breaking of the shell of your understanding.
-- Kahlil Gibran

Early on when I first began picking up the pieces of my life, I came upon the phrase suffering is optional. Like most new things, I didn’t understand it at first, but a friend instructed me just to keep at it with an open mind and I would eventually understand.

Today, I make a distinction between pain and suffering. Because of the way we use language, whenever we come face to face with a problem, our first impulse is to fix them. We try to get out of the quicksand. As an evolutionary adaptation and in our external world, this problem-solving approach is effective most of the time. Being able to figure out how to get out of undesirable events, such as being preyed upon, getting eaten, or natural catastrophes, is essential in securing our place as a species.

However, it is also unfortunate that we try to use the same “fix it” mentality when it comes to understanding or coming to terms with our inner world. When we encounter painful psychic content within ourselves, we often resort to what we always do: fix it up and sort it out so we can get rid of it. The truth of the matter is that our inner lives are not like our external world. For one thing, humans live in the context of a history, and time moves only in one direction, not two. Psychological pain has a history and, at least in some respects, the heart of the matter doesn’t entail getting rid of something. It is more a matter of how we deal with it and evolve.

Acceptance as I use it here is based on the perspective that, as a rule, trying to get rid of your pain only makes it worse, entangles you further in it, and eventually makes it more traumatic. This is best illustrated by what I call emotional quicksand: how meeting the suction force of quicksand with tension only makes you more. Our psychological lives are a lot like that. When you’re engaged in fighting for your life, living your life -- thriving -- is often pushed aside. 

The alternative -- a little dangerous to say because at this point it can be misunderstood -- is to accept pain. Acceptance, in the context that I use it here, is not the same as self-defeat; neither is it tolerating and putting up with your pain. It is very different from that. In fact, that type of negative acceptance is a far cry from the vibrant form of acceptance of the moment that can be liberating.

For now, try to think of throwing away the impulse to meet power with power, tension with more tension. Pain is an inescapable fact of life. It happens. You get up early in the morning, and you bang your toe on something. Pain! However, I define suffering differently. I see suffering as pain mixed with tension. Pain can be accepted and even used to transform our suffering. However, if we’re adding tension to pain, then we’re suffering. We have what’s there (pain) and then we have what we bring to the table. Add tension to pain and you have deep suffering. Here it is as a formula:

pain +tension = suffering

Most of us haven’t had much training in the active form of acceptance that I attempting to illustrate here. I want to ask you to keep an open mind and thank your mind for whatever it says this term means, but don’t try to pigeonhole it right now. This form of acceptance is difficult to describe, and learning to be willing to have and live your own experience is something I will focus on a little in future posts. In the meantime, be patient and open -- as well as a little skeptical -- about what your mind might be guessing what I mean right now.

My name is Eddie and I’m in recovery from civilization…

Butterflies

Hola Everybody,
I have to run! Please consider donating to my campaign so that I can continue to write and do the work that I do. If anything I’ve ever written struck a nerve, or was useful, or made you smile, or even pissed you off, then please give. You can so give HERE or via PayPal, HERE.

The Butterfly Effect

Feelings aren’t facts...

Think about it: how much time do we spend agonizing over things that, in the long run, are inconsequential? I submit that about 99.999999% of the shit we sweat in our lives is totally unnecessary. But sweat we do -- all the time.

Reminds me of a story. I love stories, so bear with me. A great teacher famous for teaching that life was an illusion was discovered sobbing uncontrollably by one of his followers. He was grieving the death of his son. Shocked, the follower asked his teacher, “Don’t you preach that all life is an illusion?” The teacher turned to his disciple and said, “Yes it is true that all of life is an illusion, but this is one fuckin' big illusion.” LOL

And so it is with life: feelings aren’t facts, but it’s a fact that we feel. Some issues are graver than others and we can get stuck, and that’s fine. However, the real heart of the matter is how long we stay stuck. If we spend our lives feeling betrayed, angry, resentful, or insulted, then where is the time for living? You will blink your eyes one day and years will have passed and realize they you have used all your energies fighting off the equivalent of a swarm of butterflies.

This is not to say that we should be inconsiderate -- to ourselves and others, or that our relationships are meaningless, or that our feelings don’t matter I know I have made some genuine connections here on the ‘Net over the years and I am grateful for them. I happen to consider some as friends, but I have seen others show their real side. There are many people who engage in cruel behavior on here and in “real” life and rationalize it by saying some bullshit like, “It’s just the internet.” I submit that if you’re capable of cruelty in one context, then that potential exists somewhere in you.

Of course we shouldn’t proceed as if nothing mattered because that’s the other extreme, nihilism. What it does mean is that we choose our attitudes and reactions all the time.

There are plenty examples to go around. How many times have you caught feelings over a miscommunication and as a result exchanged insults. Guilty as charged. Some of us resemble out and out psychopaths, resorting to all kinds of stupidity. This happens for several reasons, but the main reason is that there is anger in our hearts. The tragedy (and comedy) in the grand scheme of things is, if we’re honest, much of what we dramatize really isn’t that significant. However, it matters that people feel insulted and disrespected, misunderstood and ridiculed.

Now, before anyone here begins commenting, let’s all be honest and just say we have all experienced similar events in our life, okay? I see it and hear it all the time. Most of the time, it’s not even worth it. That means you and me.

Shit happens: we lose jobs, grow out of relationships, get hurt, and betrayed. Shoot, I live in a city where pushing and jostling is considered the norm. I run up against sweet old ladies who act like All Pro NFL linebackers when getting on and off the subway! The thing is that life is like that. There’s shit happening all the time. If you’re waiting for the perfect moment, with the perfect love (“The One”), at the perfect job, or location -- if you’re waiting for all that in order to smile, or smell a flower, or walk barefoot at the beach, then you will have wasted your life waiting, because, I hate to be the one to break it to you, but there’s no Santa Claus, no Tooth Fairy and life is hard. 

Life is hard and fuckin stressful. Believe me, I know and I’m sure you do as well. I mean, I’m about to get my phone cut off in a day or two, I don’t have my own place, I am unemployed, and I’m literally down to my last shekels. But you can be sure I will make it my business to see something beautiful or to find the sublime in the mundane. I will laugh today, even while I’m crying because I have to walk several miles to make a job interview.

Yes, life is hard and often unfair, but it’s also beautiful and amazing. Life is the most precious gift, and the one true choice we have -- the one card we can play -- is whether we will face it all with a smile or a frown. This is it, people. I mean, the internets are full of memes with great quotes, and we can all adopt this highly evolved, super guru facade, but the best definition of spirituality I have ever heard is that it’s what you do when no one is looking. Can you find the serenity within the chaos? Can you put meditation in action? Can you walk the walk? Can you sit in the midst of life and face it with joy and love -- all of it, not just the good shit?

My name is Eddie and I’m in recovery from civilization…

Sunday Sermon [Despair]

Hola mi Gente,

So I have two interviews set for this week. I’ll be a little less stressed when I can announce I got a J.O.B. In any case, when life becomes difficult, that is when I most have to apply the principles I claim to honor.

* * *

Hour of Despair by Christophe Dessaigne

Despair

It is a truth that in life there is suffering... 

Your children can become injured or get sick, or die. You can suffer financially or go bankrupt. Right now as I type these words innocent women and children are dying in Iraq -- limbs and lives torn apart forever. And this is funded by our tax dollars. 

There's very little we can be sure of in this life. While reading these words, sharing a cup of coffee, or playing a sport, your heart may simply stop pumping for genetically predetermined reasons.

Just like that -- poof.

While it is true that we experience moments of great joy and peace, as we grow older we develop aches and pain, we lose our friends and loved ones, and our despair can easily grow until we feel we can no longer withstand its pull.

Let me invite you to feel your despair right now, however small or big it may seem. More than likely, you can find a place in you that is despairing because of a loss, some feeling of loneliness, or hopelessness. While feeling this despair, notice something. Notice that everything continues happening.

Your heart still beats, if you are alive. Colors and shapes of light continue to radiate; your immediate surroundings continue to appear. Your thoughts continue as you read these words. Things are happening, inwardly and outwardly. Despair may be happening too.

Along with all this, you are happening. You -- that mix of feelings, sensations, and perceptions you call “you” -- your inner sense of self -- is happening.

If you feel despair, feel it happening. It is an energy that moves and feels a certain way and you call it “despair.” Feel this as energy completely. Instead of pulling away from it, relax into the energy of despair, willing to feel its pain. Carefully, tenderly explore despair as if you examining the most sensitive parts of a recently injured lover.

Notice if you feel resistance to feeling despair. Are you avoiding the hurt, the suffering, and lonely sorrow that lie just beneath the surface of your everyday life? 

Try something new. Relax that resistance so you can feel despair fully. Feel it in your genitals, in your belly, in your heart and throat, feel right now how your whole body has been torn by despair.

Where is the experience of your heart-wounded body? Where are you happening?

While feeling the pain of despair, feel also its buoyant energy -- its living vibration -- throbbing in the space of feeling. 

Feeling-space.

Despair -- if you feel it fully, without resistance -- is like a throbbing wound in space. In the same way, everything that happens is experienced in this felt-space.

Sadness, betrayal, and joy happen in emotional space. Tickles, warmth, sharpness happen in touch-space. Music, birds singing, honking horns, and the laughter of your child happen in aural-space. Your thoughts move in mind-space. Everything is happening in an open feeling-space with no boundaries -- no edge.

All space is awareness, or capable of feeling, full of energy and life: sounds, thoughts, color, and emotions.

Despair can be the object of your growing awareness because awareness is the living space of feeling this openness. Another name for this feeling-openness is Love. Who you are, what everything vibrates as, is Love, including despair.

Openness is the love that is living you right now -- even though you may hurt deeply. Gratitude is the attitude of acknowledging that love's feeling-space is living you. Be grateful, and you are suddenly free.

Despair and gratitude occupy the same space of feeling, regardless of how long your current self and world last.

Risk loving everything, including despair, by experiencing it fully, with gratitude. Hold despair in the same way you would hold a lover. Find out how open this very moment is and you will be free to act with courage fueled by the love that is ever present. The infinite openness of every happening, including despair.

My name is Eddie and I’m in recovery from civilization…