Butterflies

Hola Everybody,
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The Butterfly Effect

Feelings aren’t facts...

Think about it: how much time do we spend agonizing over things that, in the long run, are inconsequential? I submit that about 99.999999% of the shit we sweat in our lives is totally unnecessary. But sweat we do -- all the time.

Reminds me of a story. I love stories, so bear with me. A great teacher famous for teaching that life was an illusion was discovered sobbing uncontrollably by one of his followers. He was grieving the death of his son. Shocked, the follower asked his teacher, “Don’t you preach that all life is an illusion?” The teacher turned to his disciple and said, “Yes it is true that all of life is an illusion, but this is one fuckin' big illusion.” LOL

And so it is with life: feelings aren’t facts, but it’s a fact that we feel. Some issues are graver than others and we can get stuck, and that’s fine. However, the real heart of the matter is how long we stay stuck. If we spend our lives feeling betrayed, angry, resentful, or insulted, then where is the time for living? You will blink your eyes one day and years will have passed and realize they you have used all your energies fighting off the equivalent of a swarm of butterflies.

This is not to say that we should be inconsiderate -- to ourselves and others, or that our relationships are meaningless, or that our feelings don’t matter I know I have made some genuine connections here on the ‘Net over the years and I am grateful for them. I happen to consider some as friends, but I have seen others show their real side. There are many people who engage in cruel behavior on here and in “real” life and rationalize it by saying some bullshit like, “It’s just the internet.” I submit that if you’re capable of cruelty in one context, then that potential exists somewhere in you.

Of course we shouldn’t proceed as if nothing mattered because that’s the other extreme, nihilism. What it does mean is that we choose our attitudes and reactions all the time.

There are plenty examples to go around. How many times have you caught feelings over a miscommunication and as a result exchanged insults. Guilty as charged. Some of us resemble out and out psychopaths, resorting to all kinds of stupidity. This happens for several reasons, but the main reason is that there is anger in our hearts. The tragedy (and comedy) in the grand scheme of things is, if we’re honest, much of what we dramatize really isn’t that significant. However, it matters that people feel insulted and disrespected, misunderstood and ridiculed.

Now, before anyone here begins commenting, let’s all be honest and just say we have all experienced similar events in our life, okay? I see it and hear it all the time. Most of the time, it’s not even worth it. That means you and me.

Shit happens: we lose jobs, grow out of relationships, get hurt, and betrayed. Shoot, I live in a city where pushing and jostling is considered the norm. I run up against sweet old ladies who act like All Pro NFL linebackers when getting on and off the subway! The thing is that life is like that. There’s shit happening all the time. If you’re waiting for the perfect moment, with the perfect love (“The One”), at the perfect job, or location -- if you’re waiting for all that in order to smile, or smell a flower, or walk barefoot at the beach, then you will have wasted your life waiting, because, I hate to be the one to break it to you, but there’s no Santa Claus, no Tooth Fairy and life is hard. 

Life is hard and fuckin stressful. Believe me, I know and I’m sure you do as well. I mean, I’m about to get my phone cut off in a day or two, I don’t have my own place, I am unemployed, and I’m literally down to my last shekels. But you can be sure I will make it my business to see something beautiful or to find the sublime in the mundane. I will laugh today, even while I’m crying because I have to walk several miles to make a job interview.

Yes, life is hard and often unfair, but it’s also beautiful and amazing. Life is the most precious gift, and the one true choice we have -- the one card we can play -- is whether we will face it all with a smile or a frown. This is it, people. I mean, the internets are full of memes with great quotes, and we can all adopt this highly evolved, super guru facade, but the best definition of spirituality I have ever heard is that it’s what you do when no one is looking. Can you find the serenity within the chaos? Can you put meditation in action? Can you walk the walk? Can you sit in the midst of life and face it with joy and love -- all of it, not just the good shit?

My name is Eddie and I’m in recovery from civilization…

Sunday Sermon [The Full Catastrophe]

Hola mi Gente,

My first day at my new gig is tomorrow. I’m still looking to rent a room or studio, if anyone knows… 

* * *

The Full Catastrophe

Am I not a man? And is not a man stupid? I’m a man. So I married. Wife, children, house, everything. The full catastrophe.

 -- from Zorba the Greek

Those of you familiar with the author, Nikos Kazantzakis, are probably familiar with the above quote. Jon Kabat-Zinn, the founder of the Mindfulness Based Stress Reduction (MSBR) Clinic named his book on the subject of using mindfulness meditation as a way to address pain management, Full Catastrophe Living.

It’s an interesting proposition: using all of life -- the good, the bad, and the ugly -- as grist for the mill. I hear too many people talking about how they want to remove “negativity” from their lives. I question the notion to ignore/ remove at least 50% of your life. Actually, I’ve tried this and I’m here to tell you that living in a sensory deprivation environment (otherwise known as solitary confinement -- true story), is not all it’s geared to be.

I mean, I’m not saying we should go out of our way to create or engage “negativity,” but why turn away from it? Why not use it? I don’t know jack about gardening, but what I’ve learned from gardeners is that refusing to engage negativity is a lot like refusing to use manure, or compost to cultivate your garden. And what is negativity but some kind of shit anyway? Sadly, negativity is oftentimes some shit or some one you don’t like. And no matter how much you try to turn away from negativity, everywhere you go, there you are -- with all your own negative baggage. If you perceive it as merely negative, whatever it happens to be, then no amount of turning away will erase negativity because you are creating the perception of negativity in the first place.

Check this out: every situation, accurately perceived, becomes an opportunity to heal. That means negative situations too. No, it doesn’t mean life will be all pleasant and the sun will be shining all the fuckin time. What? Didn’t you get the memo?! If you want fair, go back to kindergarten. Sorry to break it down in such a cold manner. LOL Honestly, I see a lot of unrealistic expectations from the adults of the world. It seems many of us actually believe spending our lives running from unpleasant feelings and clinging pleasant ones is a viable life strategy.

It isn’t... 

People will disappoint you, the fates will conspire to fuck up your plans, your kids will sometimes never appreciate your sacrifices, and not all women will find me sexually attractive. Shit, Rosario Dawson doesn’t even know I exist.

I’m not saying I should deny my feelings. I am actually saying we all should do the opposite: feel your feelings completely. Feel the full catastrophe of your life. What happens to anger, sadness, fear, hate, and envy, lust when you stop trying to categorize / analyze them and just feel them? What happens when you invite the negative as well as the positive and embrace both as a mother would embrace both a “good” and “bad” child? I’ll tell you what happens: you become free as you are healed and made whole.

All healing is essentially letting go of fear. Playing the run-around game based on your likes and dislikes is in reality fear-based living. Try it one day: stay with the hurt without giving in the compulsion to attach a story to it. What we often do is we substitute neurosis for suffering and that just makes it all a lot more painful. Add stress to pain and you have suffering. Let me break that down:

pain + stress = suffering.

I think that’s also a good formula for neurosis.

Coming to wholeness is actually a release from the past. Now here’s where it gets a little tricky. People will rightfully point out that there is a process that leads to letting go, that leads to grief. The thing is this: how many times must you do the process before you start getting it without having to go through all the stages?

Suffering, my friends, is optional.

My name is Eddie and I’m in recovery from civilization…

Hillary Derangment Syndrome and The Mini Me

Hola mi Gente,

I’ve been accused of suffering from “Hillary Derangement.” I assume that to mean that I suffer from an unreasonable and unhinged hatred of Hillary Clinton. I got this because I cited (with documentation) some key policy areas in which Trump is to the left of Hillary. What’s that? You shouldn’t be surprised. Hillary has a long history of corporate-friendly and right wing policy stances. If you doubt me, think of her long and recent history advocating for mass incarceration and her ties to the private prison industry. But don’t take my word for it, you can find out more here and here.

I will submit that Hillary derangement Syndrome exists. Hillary Derangement Syndrome is the unreasonable belief that voting for Hillary will result in different outcomes than the neoliberal/ neoconservative outcomes she has produced throughout her career. Hillary Derangement Syndrome is the belief that committing the same actions (i.e., voting conservative) will produce different results.

I’m reposting the following because it reminds me a lot of the Clintons and Trump.

* * *

The Mini Me

and the Creation of the Personal Novela

Human beings are driven by a core wound, this kind of madness that something’s missing. The more conscious they get, the more desperate that becomes...

 -- Saniel Bonder

In Shakespeare's play, Othello, the protagonist and his young Venetian wife are deeply in love. Othello is a noble and simple-hearted soldier who trusts those around him. Desdemona, his devoted wife, loves him deeply and hangs on his every word. It is Iago, Othello's advisor and apparent friend, who plays one character against another, creating an atmosphere of separation and distrust. He whispers doubts into Othello's ear, inciting in him a violent jealousy that ultimately leads to a senseless tragedy.

We are all Othello's at heart -- open, trusting wanting to see the best in each other -- and we are seduced and driven to insane action by our own invisible Iagos. Our Iago is a state of mind; he cannot be seen, he lives in the shadows. Yet his work can be seen everywhere. Iago whispers to us both from within and through other people: it is the voice of a collective conditioning.

Our Iagos are like the “mini me” from the Austin Powers movies -- a smaller, angrier, and spiteful version of ourselves. A tragically funny alter-ego. Most of us live with a painful sense of separation from others, a sense of something missing, and a deep experience of limitation, fear, and desire -- we experience ourselves as small. As a result, we engage in a flurry of activity to avoid the objects of our fear and obtain the objects of our craving.

This is best exemplified in the current electoral cycle. This is the dance of fear-based living and, although widely perceived as normal, it fuels an endless drama of struggle. It's the main character in our personal novela -- like the over-the-top Spanish-language soap operas my mother watches. And no matter how hard we try, the poison seeps through the cracks in our armor, manifesting as disease, conflict, and failure.

On a personal level, it can manifest as a general anxiety, or a body image problem. On a community level, it can sabotage something as seemingly simple as a blog (if you want proof of the mini me, just take note of the widespread pettiness on social media). Globally, as manifested in the likes of Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump, it is expressed as war, as economic and environmental madness. This force has been given many names. I have heard it called “The Gremlin,” or (for the fundamentalists here) “Satan.” I call it ego-based living, or the “Mini Me.”

Unlike the movie, we cannot see or measure the mini me directly; we only know it by its effects. It is like a thief in the night: you actually do not see him, but you know he has been there because your valuables have been taken. This mini me is state of mind -- a social conditioning of sorts and it possesses certain qualities:

Sense of Lack This is the essence of the mini me. Enough is never enough; we are never spiritual enough, skinny enough, smart enough, or hip enough. We perceive everything through this sense of lack. We can’t do the big things and must settle for less.

Sense of Separation Constantly reaching "out there" to fill up our sensed emptiness keeps us focused on a “me-oriented” reality, reinforcing our separateness.

Addiction Gripped in the throes of craving and lack, as soon as we sense that something external will “do it” for us, we latch on to it and become addicted. In this way, the mini me can lead us into unhealthy attachments to wring-headed and pernicious social policies, work, sex, food, drugs, the internet, or even romantic relationships.

Fear Once desire and addition take over, we are overcome by a sense of non-specific fear. If we believe the right politician will alleviate our sense of emptiness, immediately loneliness becomes a terrifying fate.

Suspicion fear makes us suspicious, we trust no one completely.

Strategic Living We always plan for the worst -- something bad can happen any moment (politicians are notorious for using this aspect of the mini me).

Anxiety There is the notion that something is wrong, that we should be doing something more to be “complete.”

Hostile Competition this is especially true in the realm of politics (and dating). If there is this notion that there is not enough, we must fight others who are trying to get it too! This is hostile competition as opposed to co-creation.

From a political standpoint, how do we get back to a vision of a society where ego-driven madness doesn’t rule? How do we (or do we want to?) get back to our collective original self -- connected to something more powerful than mere desire, aversion, and grasping? I do know this much: we don’t get it back by participating and electing the same candidates and expecting different results.

My name is Eddie and I’m in recovery from civilization… 

The Mini Me

Hola Mi Gente...

Happy Three Kings Day! I’m reposting the following because I seem to always refer back to it.

Three hundred thousand new businesses were formed in the United States in 2003. Eighty percent of these start-ups fail within the first two years. I doubt very much that the founders of these businesses assumed they would be part of the unfortunate eighty percent. More than half of all US marriages end up in divorce within five years of being formed, with thirty percent of those remaining in marriage reporting being extremely dissatisfied. Again, we can imagine that very few lovers assumed that they would be part of the despondent 80 percent.

Why does our vision, which knows only happy endings and simple solutions, rarely lead to what we had imagined? When we dare give flight to our dreams, why is it so often destined for a crash landing?

Actually, I started this entry back-ass-wards: I should have begun with an entry on what I call “natural vision” a child-like (as opposed to childish) quality that persists in seeing the world with fresh eyes. However, in light of the consistent tragi-comedic patterns of life, I will begin with the dark side.

Natural vision is invariably sabotaged by an unforeseen element in our lives, which affects us internally and externally. It is so powerful that it influences the way we parent, the way we treat our loved ones and each other, the way we do work each day. Furthermore, it influences how others treat us. We never expect or invite it, yet almost every aspect of our lives exists in its shadow. And though we constantly confronted with evidence of its effects, this force is basically invisible and therefore never anticipated and rarely understood. Oh yes, we do our best to put a good face on it in order to keep it hidden from others, thinking our dark secrets are ours alone, but it really doesn't work. You can see the effects of this force everywhere.

What is this mysterious element in human nature that stalks and sabotages us?

STORY TIME!!! ::grin::

* * *

The “Mini Me”

and the Creation of the Personal Novela

Human beings are driven by a core wound, this kind of madness that something’s missing. The more conscious they get, the more desperate that becomes...

-- Saniel Bonder

In Shakespeare's play, Othello, the protagonist and his young Venetian wife are deeply in love. Othello is a noble and simple-hearted soldier who trusts those around him. Desdemona, his devoted wife, loves him deeply and hangs on his every word. It is Iago, Othello's advisor and apparent friend, who plays one character against another, creating an atmosphere of separation and distrust. He whispers doubts into Othello's ear, inciting in him a violent jealousy that ultimately leads to a senseless tragedy.

We are all Othellos at heart -- open, trusting wanting to see the best in each other -- and we are seduced and driven to insane action by our own invisible Iagos. Our Iago is a state of mind: he cannot be seen, he lives in the shadows. Yet his work is evident everywhere. Iago whispers to us both from within and through other people. His is the voice of a collective conditioning.

Our Iagos are like the “Mini Me” from the Austin Powers movies -- a smaller, angrier, and spiteful version of ourselves. A tragically funny alter-ego. Most of us live with a painful sense of separation from others, a sense of something missing, and a deep experience of limitation, fear, and desire -- we experience ourselves as small. As a result, we engage in a flurry of activity to avoid the objects of our fear and obtain the objects of our craving.

This is the dance of problem-based living and, although widely perceived as normal, it fuels an endless drama of struggle. It’s the main character of what I see as our personal novela -- those over-the-top Spanish-language soap operas. And no matter how hard we try, the poison seeps through the cracks in our armor, manifesting as disease, conflict, and failure.

On a personal level, it can manifest as a general anxiety, or a body image problem. On a community level, it can sabotage something as seemingly simple as a blog or Facebook page (if you want proof of the Mini Me, just take note of the widespread pettiness on Facebook). Globally, it is expressed as war, as economic and environmental degradation, and mutally assured destruction. This force has been given many names. I have heard it called “The Gremlin,” or (for the fundamentalists here) “Satan.” I call it ego-based living, or the “Mini Me.”

Unlike the movie, we cannot see or measure the Mini Me directly; we only know it by its effects. It is like a thief in the night. You actually do not see it, but you know it has been there because your valuables have been taken. This Mini Me is state of mind -- a social conditioning of sorts and it possesses certain qualities:

Sense of Lack This is the essence of the Mini Me. Enough is never enough; we are never spiritual enough, skinny enough, smart enough, or hip enough. We perceive everything through this sense of lack.

Sense of Separation Constantly reaching “out there” to fill up our sensed emptiness keeps us focused on a me-oriented alternate reality, reinforcing our separateness.

Addiction Gripped in the throes of craving and lack, as soon as we sense that something external will “do it” for us, we latch on to it and become addicted. In this way, the Mini Me can lead us into unhealthy attachments to work, sex, food, drugs, the internet (Facebook? Twitter? LOL!), or even romantic relationships.

Fear Once desire and addiction take over, we are overcome by a sense of non-specific fear. If we are convinced the right relationship will alleviate our sense of emptiness, immediately loneliness becomes a terrifying fate.

Suspicion fear makes us suspicious, we trust no one completely.

Strategic Living We always plan for the worst -- something bad can happen any moment (politicians are notorious for using this aspect of the Mini Me).

Anxiety There is notion that something is wrong, that we should be doing something more to be “complete.” We sometimes live in the throes of a subtle and generalized anxiety.

Hostile Competition this is especially true in the realm of dating. If there is this notion that there is not enough, we must fight others who are trying to get it too. This is hostile competition as opposed to co-creation or collaboration.

How do we get back our “larger” selves, where ego-driven madness doesn’t rule? How do we (or do we want to?) get back to our original self-connected to something more powerful than mere desire, aversion, and grasping?

My name is Eddie and I’m in recovery from civilization…