The TGIF Sex Blog [Angry Sex]

¡Hola! Everybody...
News is a business and it often resembles the business of pornography when it comes to national tragedies. Yesterday’s shooting is a prime example of the obscenity of news beholden to the almighty dollar. By now, they have trotted out every so-called “expert” from a wide range of fields and the real bottom line is that it is too early in this tragic story to say with certainty. How many times did we have to see those Towers fall? How many hours must we be subjected to yesterday’s senseless murders? Why? The answer is simple: It’s the mad rush to sell commercials, not report on the news. If it bleeds, it leads...

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-=[ Loving Anger ]=-

... we took each other
rudely,
like animals of
the jungle.
-- Edward-Yemíl Rosario, Irakere

I recently saw where film stars Natalie Portman & Mila Kunis are set to do an “Ecstasy-Induced, Hungry, Aggressive, Angry Sex” scene in an upcoming art film, “Black Swan.” Of course, that got me to thinking (always a dangerous thing... )

Most people still believe in the age-old fairy tale that to love means to be sweet and peaceful. But anyone who has had angry sex knows differently. And I don’t mean “make-up” sex; I mean exactly what I wrote: angry sex.

Have you ever channeled your anger into an act of love? Have you ever taken your lover by the hair and thrust into her with everything you have -- out of anger? Have you ever scratched and bit your lover while shouting all forms of profanity at him, expressing your anger and using your hands, legs, teeth and hips as you met his angry thrusts with your own? Have you ever walked away for a fucking session, scratched and bleeding, your body tingling all over?

If you haven’t, or if you aren’t, perhaps you need to look at that...

I’m just sayin’.

Imagine that you witness or become aware of a terrible injustice. Better yet, imagine your child is about to unknowingly drink bleach or drain cleaner. What would your reaction be? Most likely, without thinking, you might shout, “No, no, no!” and you would grab the poison away from your child. You might even shout, “No! Don’t play with this, it’s dangerous!” You might even shake her a little. Then you would hold your child tightly to you because you love her so much.

If your anger truly comes from love, your body will soften, your child will stop crying, because they feel you care. They feel your love, but they also feel the anger of your demand: Danger! Your anger works to cut through the casualness of the moment. This is a serious moment and a quiet and gentle voice will not convey your love with the urgency that’s called for.

Being love is to grow in your capacity to stay open under many different circumstances. As you develop this capacity, your emotions become stronger not weaker. If your lover is wasting away his or her life, watching too much “reality” TV, for example, or becoming distracted, your heart might shout in love, Don’t waste your talent, I want to feel all your gifts!” The urgency of your demand for her fullest potential is unmistakable. However, this post isn’t really about communication in relationships, I’m attempting to use examples of how anger, when rooted in love, can be a positive force for change and genuine intimacy.

When you’re open to love -- when love flows through you with little or no distortion -- you’re expressing uninhibited love. Some of us are not ready for this type of love. This is especially true if your lover has been abused or similarly traumatized in the past. They may first need a firm grounding in boundaries in order to grow into the capacity to accept boundless love. Boundaries provide a certain amount of safety, which some people need in order to practice staying open and avoiding paralyzing fear.

Everybody closes up shop every occasionally. Everybody has his or her moments of laziness and mediocrity. Therefore, it follows that patience and kindness is the framework of a healthy intimate relationship. Still, there times that require the full thrust of passion’s intervention. As in the example of the child about to drink a poison, your love won’t allow your intimate relationship to wither away and die. If your lover is being less than open, then your loving heart may need to roar.

The fairy tales we are told as young children stunt us emotionally. Yes, love can be gentle and nurturing, but love can also be angry, if you are open. Angry love evaporates almost as soon as its message is expressed. If your anger comes from love, it serves to deepen love’s expression, and then dissolves almost instantly. In loving, spontaneous anger there is no lingering trace of guilt, resentment, or stress.

What I have found is that many of us have suppressed our anger to the point that when unleashed, it becomes damaging. Please know that I’m not talking about venting. Venting isn’t about love, it’s actually what I like to refer as practicing to hate. Venting might give you the illusion of release, but it’s very damaging. It also serves to condition your emotional responses. In other words, venting reinforces unskillful responses to situations. The only way you can turn anger into an ally is when it is rooted in love and compassion. Suppressed anger and anger mindlessly expressed through venting are the two sides of the same coin of toxic anger. They are often harmful and hurtful. But anger borne of love and care and alive with love can act as a passionate thunderbolt of heart awakening, shocking lovers into opening to the core essence of their hearts.

Practice

You can practice opening as anger with your lover. At first, without touching, sit or stand in front of each other gazing into each other’s eyes (I like doing this naked, but that’s just me). Allow your breath to feel your lover’s breath. You don’t have to breathe in the same way, just feel your lover’s rhythm and quality of breath. Don’t let your eyes wander, but continue gazing deeply into your lover’s eyes. Feel into your lover’s heart, work through any tension or contraction. Do this until you can actually feel a palpable connection -- heart to heart -- of openness and love.

Then take turns practicing anger as love. Begin yelling at your lover. Even if it’s only pretend anger, yell loud and with forceful feeling. While you are shouting, continuing gazing into your lover’s yes, feeling your lover’s heart, and maintaining that deep connection of feeling/trust. In other words, stay open and feel each other feeling the other, in the moment, even while the rage of anger’s storm flows.

If your lover shuts down, or closes her eyes, or turns away, stop for a moment until you both can come back to that deep connection, and then begin yelling again. Take turns doing this...

Eventually, you will be able to do this under all circumstances. Or, even better, eventually you might even be able to have a good, old-fashioned, angry fuck.

Love,

Eddie