The Friday Sex Blog [Blue Balls and Violet Vulvas]

Hola mi Gente,

I couldn’t keep up with Hillary Clinton’s lies at last night’s debate. I had to turn it off. Oh yeah, and CNN sucks dead dog farts.

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Blue Balls and Violet Vulvas

“Blue balls,” the cause of the painful and universal cry of frustrated adolescent would be lovers the world over. Blue balls is slang for that excruciating painful feeling in a guy’s scrotum. While it is said that not all guys get it, I have yet to meet a man who hasn’t experienced it. However, did you know that women can get it too? Blue balls and violet vulvas (my term) are very real, and we should all learn about it.

The physiological mechanism behind the technical term for blue balls, epididymal hypertension, that we understand as a result of not satisfying a sexual need is basically the same Regardless of your gender: blood swells up and gets trapped in your genitals, where the longer it stays without circulating to the heart and lungs, the more oxygen is lost and makes the skin appear blue (I never knew this otherwise, I would’ve used it as evidence for the primacy of the situation: I’m going to lose my balls!). After a prolonged period of time, it causes feelings of heaviness, pressure, pain, and general malaise.

There is, of course, a “cure” for blue balls or vulvas -- doing the deed or relieving the pressure through masturbation. I’m serious. Alternatively, if you’re like Ted Cruz and don’t believe in genital stimulation, you can choose to wait it out in discomfort or apply hot or cold compresses to help ease the pain. The key point here, contrary to what men will tell you, blue balls and vulvas are not life-threatening, so there’s absolutely no reason to pressure an unwilling partner to do anything they’re not comfortable with.

For the more visually oriented, check out the following video:

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My name is Eddie and I’m in recovery from civilization…