Monday, June 16, 2008

Monday Madness [Bleached Bums]

¡Hola! Everybody,
Okay, due to an expectation, I put some things on hold recently. Actually, it’s funny would term them “things,” when in actuality they’re really called relationships. LOL! Well, I recently put a couple of relationship “thingees” on pause recently, and you know relationship pauses are iffy in the best of circumstances. I call the one who lives near me and I get -- silence! Not the bewildered, stunned, or adoring type of silence, but the “You Belong in the Frozen Tundra of What’s Left of My Heart” silence. I’m not in the mood, so I mumble an awkward hello/ good-bye and hang up. Just then, the Ex from Boston, who’s been calling me steadily for over a month (with no response
from yours truly), calls. She has the weirdest timing. About a month ago, when she started calling again, I was talking about her to another romantic interest and she called at that exact moment!


Ladies and gentlemen: I am now an officially certified psycho magnet...

Anyway, my rule of thumb is that Ex Sex is not a healthy thing. It brings up old wounds and resentments and someone usually gets hurt. Part of the reason the Ex-wife and I are on such good terms is that we've never violated that important boundary. Sex with the Ex-wife would be a huge mistake. Of course, sex with the Ex from Boston is the exception to the rule. Somehow, she’s managed to keep me in her radar for over seven years -- since my divorce.

Our relationship caused an uproar among my female friends because when I first met her, she was nineteen.

I am more than twice her age and she chased me (literally) for more than two years.

I will give her this much: she’s a very determined woman! LOL. We had a messy, short-lived, very intense, and extremely dysfunctional relationship, but she always keeps in touch. I might not hear from her for a year and she’ll call unexpectedly. Whenever she calls, it means one thing and one thing only (though she’ll make me play the game): sex. She claims that her first true orgasm was with yours truly, but I’ve been around the block too many times to fall for that one. I will cop only to the fact that I may have played part in the process of her sexual awakening, but I don’t know about all that “No one makes me come like you do, Papi” bullshit.

Anyway, since our break-up we still maintain contact. I think part of the attraction is that she feels she can trust me (after all, I was gentle, as I said I would be, when she sacrificed her virginal anus). Another part is that we both love to fuck each other. Yup, sex with this ex is sublime. It’s not that she’s sexually proficient, it’s that I take whatever I want, however I want and she loves to be ravished in that way.

We’re sexual jigsaw pieces that fit.

I haven’t had sex since last September (or was the end of August?). Look at that shit! I don’t remember when was the last time I had sex. I’m waaaaaay over due. The internet thingee (a sure thing in the past) hasn’t been working out lately (I don’t even know what’s real here anymore!). She calls one more time and imma get mines, as some of my clients put it. Slap some skin, make her smoke my cock, get busy, hide the salami, pork it, -- whatever you want to call it? She’s gonna get it! LOL

I’ll be sure to take notes and post pics (not!)

The other day, someone mentioned the following to me and I almost cracked a rib laughing about it. Then I find out that one of my fave “sexperts,” Tristan Taormino, wrote an entry on it (click here). I had to investigate...

* * *

Bleacher Bums

As those of you who read my blog yesterday already know, I went and had streaks put in and cut my hair this past weekend. The stylist, a raging Queen with whom I shamelessly flirted (much to the delight of my ex-wife and the stylist), mentioned that apparently people all over the country are now flocking to salons to get their assholes bleached.

Me being the curious ma’fucca I am, I had to look into (no pun intended) this. It’s the equivalent of “BriteSmile for bungholes,” as Taormino cleverly puts it (she may have had her bum bleached, I didn’t, FYI).

Now, being a man with an admitted fetish for the female derrière (I liken it to an altar), I had to wonder if this is something that I would find appealing as I slowly and meticulously slip the head of my cock past the slightly resistant sphincter muscle of, say, the Ex from Boston. I don’t think it would look too good because her skin color is best described as trigueña -- as if her skin were lightly dusted with cinnamon. Pink asshole?!! Not on her!

So I guess there aren’t too many people of color getting their asses bleached, huh? On the other hand, maybe they bleach it so that skin tone is more uniform? I dunno.

According to Taormino, Pink Cheeks, a Sherman Oaks, CA salon specializing in all types of body waxing, perfected the ass whitening procedure. I’m simply overwhelmed by the fact that the salon offers seven different pussy-waxing options! From Brazilian bikini wax to the Playboy (bikini line, labia, and butt crack waxed with a thick or thin V of hair left on top -- something to graze while eating that poosie!). Whew!

Ass whitening begins with an ass wax first, followed by an application of anal bleaching cream. Pink Cheeks developed a product in which the active ingredient is a substance (hydroquinone) used to lighten dark skin. This substance is commonly found in products used by African Americans to even out skin tone. Apparently, people at Pink Cheeks tried it on a butthole and realized it worked. LMAOOO!

Now, how does one get to the level of thinking in the first place? Hey! Let me put some of this bleach on your ass and see what happens, ma'fucca!

Never mind...

The procedure can cost upwards of $75 and more (BTW, you can order the product over the phone: 818-906-8225 ).

I would like to go on record saying that I really don’t approve of bleached assholes. I fervently worship woman’s anus. I have been known to spontaneously drop down to my knees and pray to a woman’s asshole. I have been known to kiss and lick women’s assholes.

I love women’s assholes!

The asshole already has gotten a bum rap as it is. It’s taboo, it’s even against the law in some states for me to impale your anus with my penis! Now we’re gonna bleach the ma-fuccas?!!

Ladies! Please! Don’t bleach your asshole!

However, if you do bleach your asshole (c’mon, you know quite a few of you -- even some men! -- already dialed the number I provided above), please submit before/ after photos for my Friday Sex blog.



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