Friday, May 1, 2009

The TGIF Sex Blog (Psycho Lovers)

¡Hola! Everybody...
What is it with Joe Biden and feet?!! It seems every time he opens his mouth a foot gets stuck in it! LOL! Joe: one person died in the US. A miniscule fraction of the Mexican population died. It’s not a pandemic! LOL!

BTW, now that we know the beauty queen from Cali criticized women with fake boobs, but yet has fake boobs, should we all reconsider her sincerity regarding her beliefs? Well, get ready to hear more from her because her vapid response to Perez Hilton will be coming to a local TV machine near you. She's now the poster twat for KKKristians with a vengeance (or some shit like that). Neocons are often undercover sexual perverts; I used to sodomize one like her all the time. She’d read passages from the bible during these challenging, but infinitely enjoyable sessions ("Oh GAWD!" "Oh SWEET JAY-SUS!" "The lard, Eddie! Get the lard!").

I know, I know, I just managed to offend several different demographics. And you know what? Today I’m going to take a train, travel, and quite possibly sneeze. I’m just a regular insurgent! LOL I’ll be gone all day, I have to meet with some politicians in Albany, all part of whoring for cash.

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-=[ The Psycho Magnet Chronicles ]=-

“Never fuck anyone crazier than you... ”


When my father offered the above advice, I was initially overjoyed. After all, there aren’t too many people crazier than yours truly, I thought.

I was wrong.

Really, I was dead wrong.

I’m only half joking when I kid around that I’m a certified psycho magnet. I seem to attract the crazies in a way that makes me doubt my own tenuous grasp of sanity. I have even written a poem for the psychos of my past, it starts like so…

A case of Bacardi for the crazy ladies
in the corner of my past,
the hectic horny days of yesterday.


They beckon me back

to my forgotten madnesses

The chest pounding blackouts,

that have grown into storytime delights...

Well, it’s a poetic attempt on those “forgotten madnesses.” I’ve had a really great collection of psychos in my life. There was the spoiled rich girl who wanted me to cut her during sex and who was genuinely proud of the fact that she managed to total three cars in the six-month period we were together.

I had another who actually paid someone to kill me. Or at least hurt me really bad. The problem with her plan was that her hired “killer” was no killer. And everyone thought I was connected with what was a Columbian cartel. I caught him peering into my bedroom window and managed to sneak up behind him. We got high with the money she paid him. LOL!

I believe a large part of this phenomenon had to do with the fact that at one time I wasn’t very selective about who I went to bed with. I mean, who cares? If she’s gotta nice ass and the “chemistry” is there, we’ll cross that insanity issue when we get to it, right? LMAO! Another part of it is that I’m very accepting of people. I tend to see past the “quirks” (such as cutting behavior, suicidal tendencies, and boundary issues, for example) and see the natural radiance of people. Finally, I think people who have “issues” gravitate to my ability to listen at a deeper level. I can’t help it, it’s what I do and empathy is for zanies what blood is for vampires – it’s irresistible. :;grin::

My last psycho “episode” happened with a lovely lady who was my tailor. When I was married, my wife would laugh at me anytime we went to her because, this woman had the most glorious obscenely beautiful ass. She was Russian and a natural blonde. Her face was a bit too blunt, but she had great cheekbones.

My ex-wife would tell me that she liked me, but I never paid her any mind, thinking it was playful jealousy her part. Once I was divorced, my tailor noticed the wifey was no longer in tow and, short story short, we began seeing each other. At first, it was fantastic. She was like a tigress in bed, eager and quick to satisfy all my desires. When she finally propped that delicious-looking ass up in the air and begged me to ream her I was in heaven! I was soooo happy!

Well, you know the deal. At first, she became very clingy, especially after our first anal session. Clingy is a particularly unattractive character trait. I mean, it can be cute up to a point, but normally, clingy tends to repel people. I know, I can be a little clingy myself, but I keep it in check. The clingier she became, the more I distanced myself. The more I distanced myself, the more her clinginess turned to anger. The angrier she became, the uglier the situation became. She transformed from this beautiful sex kitten into a shrew, calling me all kinds of names and questioning my manhood and sexual prowess and then calling me on the phone asking to forgive her.

Eventually the anger turned into full-blown psychosis. I was getting calls at my job, at home and she was turning up in person unannounced at all the wrong times. When I wouldn’t answer her calls, she would leave really ugly messages, like, “Who you’re fuckin in the ass now, you fucking faggot.” LOL! Shit like that. A friend told me I should watch my back.

Finally, I was coming home one day at 5am with a close female friend of mine. Now mind you, this friend is married to a friend and our relationship is purely platonic. I know her for about sixteen years and she’s one of my closest friends. Anyway, she had driven me home after a night of clubbing and she wanted to use my bathroom before she headed home, a good hour’s drive from my palace.

Well, you know who was waiting in the lobby of my building, right? At fuckin 5am in the morning! She started a huge stink, insulting my friend and getting totally out of hand, until my friend offered to fuck her up for me. Of course, none of that happened and I ended up calling the police. My friend still teases me about that night.

She left me alone after that, except for the occasional phone call and I went on with my life. Then one day without thinking, I answered my cellphone and it was her. There was this psycho edge to the tone of her voice as she informed me how she had found a real man and not faggot like me, all the while I’m mouthing the words, “Thank You!!!” I refrained from saying anything lest I encouraged her to rethink her romance and then she hanged up.

Whew!

Any other stories for the “Psycho Magnet Chronicles”? LMAOOO!

Love,

Eddie

PS: Sex is good for you.

9 comments:

  1. Perhaps you were supposed to "counsel" them instead of fuck them in the ass Eddie. ( I'm just saying...) LOL! As always you amuse me and make me think. I too have several stories I can tell about crazy lovers and some of them, I really believe were not in my life for sex, yet for me to possibly share with them the things that I had learned, in an effort to help them to realize they NEED HELP! LOL! TGIF Eddie. *muah*

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  2. CONGRATS EDDIE.... YOU DID IT!!! SO NOW BOTH YOU AND RIPPA HAVE YOUR OWN INDIVIDUAL BLOGSPOTS. BASED ON THE ARCHIVE THIS OBVIOUSLY DOESN'T LOOK NEW. I HAD NO IDEA THAT YOU HAD YOUR OWN PAGE, BUT I'M NOT SURPRISED SINCE YOU DO A 'DIAMOND MIND' WHILE ALSO BEING AN EXCELLENT WRITER.

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  3. We truly must get together and share notes or crazies! lol.

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  4. Crazy fuckers...MAN! The stories I could tell you from my life and others. I could write SOO many best sellers.

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  5. I wasn’t very selective about who I went to bed with ... doesn't that come with the territory ;)

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  6. @Wizzy: I'm sure you could! LOL

    @Nina: loca!

    @Martina: DAng Martina where were you last night?!! Kidding! ::smooches::

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  7. What IS it with you and the russians?? lol

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  8. @Coco: LOL Yes, I DO have a thing for Russians. They're like the lighter version of Puerto Ricans -- crazy muthafuckas! LOL

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