Sunday, June 21, 2009

Fathers, Sons & Daughters

¡Hola! Everybody...
My fathers were good, if flawed, human beings, but they gave much.

Happy Fathers Day, everybody...

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-=[ Fathers, Sons & Daughters ]=-

What have you done with the garden that was entrusted to you?
-- Antonio Machado

I had two fathers and possibly more. I had uncles, older cousins as well as elders from the community who were to me as fathers in some respects. But the two that were most influential was my biological father, Edwin, and my stepfather, Vincent. Both were polar opposites of one another.

My father was almost all yang: penetrating intelligence, extroverted, creative, charismatic -- he was everything a little boy wanted as a father. I adored him -- worshipped the very ground he walked and I wanted to be just like him. My father passed on to me the gift of the thirst for knowledge and I could never repay him for that. My father’s example taught me that there was a higher purpose in life and he taught me love for knowledge, beauty, and truth.

My stepfather, Vincent, was almost all yin -- he was easy-going, definitely not cerebral, loved doing things with his hands, and loved music. As a child, he would take me to his various jobs and brag to his friends and co-workers that I was a genius. Then he would say something like, “Go ahead, ask him anything,” and his co-workers would and I would almost always get the answer right. He used to get a big kick out of that. Vincent, instead of resenting my intelligence, supported it. Any other man would’ve felt insecure, but not Vincent, because he was easy going almost to a fault. Not that he was a pushover, he wasn’t, he had the hands of a carpenter, large and rough, and I ad seen him knockout a man much bigger than him with one punch. He was just less confrontational than my father. Vincent’s example taught me dependability, consistency, “showing up” as he used to put it.

These days it’s popular for talking heads and politicians of all stripes to go on at length about fathers and fatherhood. On one side, there’s the myopic notion that almost all social ills can be placed firmly on the shoulders of fathers -- or “absent” fathers. Of course, this is just a form of scapegoating. Sure, fathers are important in the development of young minds, but a father being more “present” doesn’t automatically translate to a better, more just society.

I once created a leadership development workshop that utilized relationship-building skills. Leadership is about being able to connect to people, not forcefully leading them by the nose. Whenever I would ask the participants to list what they perceived as leadership qualities, nurturance -- the core skill for relationship -- was almost never mentioned. When our culture emphasizes breadwinning and individual success for men at the expense of caregiving, the welfare of children is at risk. A father’s absence influences the son and daughter’s development of social skills, self-esteem, and attitudes towards achievement. But more importantly, our culturally warped understanding of masculinity contributes to various forms of maladjustment, such as lack of impulse control, incompetence, dependence, and irresponsibility. The son of a psychologically absent father experiences a weakened identification with what it means to be a man, and the daughter experiences a weakened relationship to the masculine principle.

Yet, in the name of family financial and psychological welfare, our legal system emphasizes the importance of the father’s job, and therefore his absence, and award child custody to the mother nine times out of ten. When societal attitudes are unsupportive of the father’s active involvement in the family, then we see the fragmentation of family relationships so common today.

Don’t misunderstand my point: I am not advocating for some vague notion of “men’s rights.” I am saying that we -- all of us -- need to redefine what it means to be a man.

In the end, we are all flawed creatures. We all make mistakes. As for myself, I would say that if you were to ask my son, he would give at best a mixed review. More likely, I don’t think he would characterize me as a “good” father. And he has good reasons for his view. I guess I too am human. I guess what is important is not to get too stuck in who’s “wrong” and who’s “right,” but to do the right thing at the right time because it is the right thing to do at that moment.

And yet my own experience leaves with the feeling that a good father requires more than getting the task done right. Perhaps fatherhood is more about being who you are and revealing that vulnerability to those you love. When I reflect on the relationships between fathers, sons, and daughters, I am reminded of the words of the poet Rumi: “Out beyond rightdoing and wrongdoing, there is a field. I’ll meet you there.” My son will one day be a father and if he can take even a little of what my own teachers gave me, then he will be a man, for ultimately, it’s only men that can initiate boys into manhood.

Love,

Eddie

6 comments:

  1. Good post. I enjoyed it. One thing that stood out for me is "We all make mistakes."

    Our society and culture places too much emphasis on absolute perfection. A child grows up and goes a little off track, then comes the examination of that child's childhood and your parenting. The question then becomes, "Where did you go wrong?".

    I don't want to understate the importance of good parenting, but I would just like to make the observation that fathers sometimes make mistakes, probably moreso than they'd like to admit. This parenting thing is a hard job and there is no right formula. Sometimes you just have to play it by ear and hope for the best. But in the end, the goal is to have many more good days and good decisions than bad, and just hope and pray for the best.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Thanks for taking the time to read it and responding. You said:

    "I don't want to understate the importance of good parenting, but I would just like to make the observation that fathers sometimes make mistakes, probably moreso than they'd like to admit. This parenting thing is a hard job and there is no right formula."

    That hits it right on the nose. I think we have to settle for being "good enough" -- put in what we know to the best of our abilities and then let the script unfold.

    Happy father's day, bro.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Awesome as per usual my brother.

    "In the end, we are all flawed creatures. We all make mistakes. As for myself, I would say that if you were to ask my son, he would give at best a mixed review. More likely, I don’t think he would characterize me as a “good” father. And he has good reasons for his view. I guess I too am human. I guess what is important is not to get too stuck in who’s “wrong” and who’s “right,” but to do the right thing at the right time because it is the right thing to do at that moment."

    That right there is the crux of it all in my opinion. We are all flawed men, and cyclically we have all been raised by flawed men. Unfortunately, society has an idealistic view of what fatherhood is. However, I don't think there is any one clear definition other than whatever actions a man produces.

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  4. Thanks for visiting Rippa. I definitely think we need to change the male stereotypes man. that shit is just crazy and it makes our children crazy too.

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  5. I love this post!

    When I first became a Mom, the thought of my children's Father staying home and taking care of them made me shudder. However, he's been doing it now for four years and doing it better than I ever could. As they get older I can see the positive effects of this ... they are self-confidant little girls and although he feels 'less than' somedays, I know he wouldn't trade it for the world.

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  6. @Martina: LOL! I was a stay-at-home father for several years myself and like your husband, I wouldn't trade those years for anything.

    for one, I discovered the day-to0day challenges of a raising a child -- even one as nice as my son -- is a huge challenge. Secondly, I was able to model a form of masculinity that included more than what cultural dictates demand. I like to think that this experience had a little something to do with the reasonably well-adjusted, sexually responsible young man he is today.

    ReplyDelete

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