Wednesday, June 24, 2009

Hiking, Barbie Dolls, and Cuss Words

¡Hola! Everybody...
::Yawn:: Gee, I think I’ll just disappear for a few days without telling anyone -- family members, friends, nor employers -- where I’m going. Since I’m so privilege, I’m sure I will still have a job upon my return. Man! Sometimes you just can’t beat being light-skinned and in a position of power! I love being white (looking)!

* * *


-=[ Breaking News ]=-

The medium is the message.
-- Marshall McLuhan

Seriously, which one of you smart-alec libruhl progressives told Governor Sanford to take a hike?!!

It’s not nice to take advantage of simpletons just because they don’t believe in evolution.

In case you don’t have a TV machine, internet(s) access, or cable, the top right wing-nut of the state of South Confederate -- I mean! -- Carolina, Governor Sanford, went missing for a few days... not even his wife knew for sure where he was.

Faux News is reporting that this was a secret abduction and Sanford was sent to one of the “re-education” camps Michelle “the twat” Bachmann warned us all about. It’s said he’s now down with Obama’s health initiative and wants to suck some “serious libruhl dick,” just to develop the right amount of empathy.

Glenn Beck was seen utilizing Ken & Barbie dolls in an attempt to justify the alternative rumor that Sanford was seen holing up in a men’s bathroom stall in NYC’s Penn Station -- this being Gay Pride Week and all. Larry Craig, Mark Foley, and John Ensign all gathered on the Capitol steps in a show of support. Also present where Newt Gingrich and Rush Limbaugh, both notable proponents of traditional marriage, having attempted it with several different wives.

The O’Reilly report alleging that Sanford had discovered Al Qaeda operatives in the Appalachians and was actually leading a naked elite fighting team to flush them out, is unsubstantiated, though O’Reilly stands by his right to say whatever the fuck comes out of his gray-haired anus. “If that fuckin crying bitch, Beck, can play with fuckin dolls, I can pull anything I want out of my arse and claim it’s true!” he said.

Obama was excoriated for advising chickenhawk neocons to STFU. “I’m fucking this kitty, you just hold the fuckin legs, bitches,” he stated during a forceful press conference. His public flaying of Sen. McSame was also similarly criticized and PETA is looking to file charges against Obama, citing his serial propensity “to swat flies” as unthinking and very human.

In other news, reports that Webster is considering replacing “fail” with “Bush” turns out to be true. A Webster spokesperson stated, “Look, people have been substituting FEMA for fuck since Katrina, and now people are substituting Bush for fail. As an institution, we need to keep up with the times.” I like the sound of it, and the feeling is palpable, don’t you think:

“Man, I Bushed it on that test.”

“Son, do your homework, you don’t want to grow up to be a Bush now, do you?”

Works for me!

In addition, the phrase “ya betcha” has taken on a different meaning in the world of adolescent sex education...

Well, let me get the FEMA out of here before I Bush this job. Yawls play nice, now, and remember: it’s not nice to make fun of neocons, they can’t help themselves.

Ya Betcha!

Eddie

12 comments:

  1. LOL, you're a great writer. But you left out the part about the GOP now being Hamas supporters. Isn't Mousavi a former Hamas founder?

    It's a freebie. Run with it Eddie. LOL... go where I can not.

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  2. This is better than all the soaps on TV....
    If they couldn't make up stuff like this.....

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  3. Lmao Wow!!! Ok... I like the information I got from this article and the humor.

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  4. LMAO! PBE: Don't incite me! LOL

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  5. Miss South Carolina alerted us to this impending tragedy some time ago. What else but a desperate lack of maps would have resulted in that state's esteemed governor getting lost in Appalacia?

    That he was incommunicado the entire time indicates either that he was holed up in a backwoods trailer doing naughty things to furry little woodland animals or that he had headier things to think about besides the concerns of his family or state government. Now, which might it be?

    ReplyDelete
  6. Well, the news reports now have it that he was in Argentina, not Appalacia, and that he was with his girlfriend over Father's Day weekend while his wife stayed home with the kids.

    He really FEMAed up this time. In fact, he's such a Bush as a result of this incident he's resigned as the head GOP governor. For want of a map, a candidacy was lost...

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  7. LOL@ aramink: I just want to take a moment to thank the beauty queen from SC for her insights into the issue.

    LOL!

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  8. I knew this was going to turn out to be a MSM story with real mileage. You, however, have beat them at their own game! lol

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  9. Yes Dale, your posts were prescient.

    ::singing, "Don't cry for me, Arenteeeeeenaaa... "::

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  10. OK... I got this from my new "dealer" Dale the News Junkie:

    "'I've been unfaithful to my wife and I've developed a relationship with what stared as a dear, dear friend from Argentina,' he finally said. The affair has been going on for a year, he later explained"

    Naahhhhh! I don't believe it! ::smirk::

    http://tarvergen.multiply.com/links/item/159/Mark_Sanford_Disappears_Even_Wife_Doesnt_Know_Where_He_Is

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  11. This was fuckin off the chain Eddie. I loved the satirical approach. But then again, you know they say art imitates life.

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  12. @Rippa: thanks man. coming from you, that's high praise indeed!

    ReplyDelete

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