Hola mi Gente,
Man! It was cold this morning. Looking
for work is harder than actually working. SMDH… I committed to posting at least
once everyday, and I usually prepare the post the night before, but I wasn’t
able last night. So here goes, my blog for today.
* * *
The Heart in a
Heartless world
I retreated during
the 80s, for the most part, from active participation in terms of politics. I
viewed Reagan’s rise and the neoconservative onslaught in the same way as Gil
Scott-Heron did -- as the coming of Winter in America. A new America was
coming, I saw, and it was an America heartless to its core. The 80s saw a
rollback on civil rights gains, the decimation of the middle class and labor,
and meaner, angrier, and less effective government. The 80s, ironically, were
also a time of my personal passage through the heart of darness. I barely made
it through the 80s alive.
My journey back to
the living was sparked by a response to suffering. First, it was my own
personal suffering, but having been granted another go at it, I realized that I
could never be truly alive if I forgot I am connected to everything. I also
believed a collective mindset geared to advantage the advantaged didn’t make
sense (mink coats don’t “trickle down”), and I watched, horrified, as science and
works of art were savaged by ideologues of a vengeful and jealous God.
Fast forward to today
and I sometimes find myself fighting against burnout, or struggling against the
feeling that it doesn’t make any sense to fight at all. After all, people don’t
get it, I think too often. Or, there is too much apathy and people are more
interested in the “reality” of TV shows than their own reality. And I sense I
am not too far off the mark.
Sometimes -- not too
often -- an issue arises so overtly reprehensible cannot be successfully spun
by a corporate-owned media surfaces and people awaken a little. They become
inspired or angered by needless poverty, the arrogance of unchecked power, the
brutality of a justice system predicated solely on punishment, or at how there
are so many who have been forgotten. Whenever something egregious happens,
great inspirational speeches are offered at huge events, and we speak out, we
protest, we rage and we rally.
And... nothing
happens.
Nothing changes; we
deflate, feeling powerless, impotent, weak, and sickened by it all. Sometimes
it gets so that I can’t stand to read another study, write another opinion or
report, attend another conference, or participate in another panel. I
despair... I despair of losing my heart in a heartless world. Last night,
listening to Obama's State of the Union speech, I thought back to the elation
that accompanied the his first election. For once many people in this country
saw one of the marginalized rise above systemic inequality to the most powerful
office in the world and many were heartened. Though I for the most part never
agreed with Obama’s politics, I too was heartened. I was able to go to a poll
and cast my vote for a fuckin black man! Okay, he’s too centrist -- at best, he
and other centrist democrats are Eisenhower conservatives -- but still: damn
that felt good!
We do not need more
strategy sessions, we know what we need to do. The solutions we need are
already here. The world we want is within our grasp. All that is needed is the
courage to stop destroying so many for the sake of ideology. Too often I find
myself on the brink of burnout and I find myself back where I started, pulsating
with anger and frustration.
I recently left a job
I really loved because I needed to get myself together. I did not know it at
the time, but my mind/ body was asking for a time out. These past five months
have given me the time and psychological space I needed to step back, to
reflect, and clarify my vision. I needed to lick my wounds. I was joking with a
friend and former colleague last night that I had taken a poor man’s
sabbatical. I was not out there somewhere studying a lost tribe or doing some
research with the security of knowing I had a gig when I was finished, but I
feel so much stronger because of this precious time. Now I need to find work,
or end up in some debtor's prison. LOL (I am only half-joking. If you have an
opening for a good strategic thinker, hit me up. :) )
I have learned some
valuables lessons in recent years. For one, I have learned that burnout can
help me keep my fires burning. How? Well, that’s another blog, but it’s all
about feeding the demons rather than banishing them to the darkness. Burnout
now feeds me instead of the other way around. In my experience, burnout happens
when I forget that I am only part of a larger process of change. I am not the
wave, but I am part of it.
Burnout happens when
I forget to take care of myself. Secondly, and more importantly, I have learned
to bear witness, to stand alongside those enduring great suffering. Sometimes
“the work” is to be simply present, listening with an open heart. Listening
with the same care a child gives when holding a live and precious egg in its
hands. It is through this witnessing that we can heed the voices of the suffering
and shed a light on unchecked power. I miss that… I miss going into prisons and
talking with my brothers and sisters and trying to amplify their voices in
order to uncover racism and inhumanity
Most importantly, and
counter intuitively, I have given up hope for saving the world, or even
attempting to change it.
I had to give up that
notion. I had to surrender that in order to discover what I’m really supposed
to be doing: how best to be a part of healing force. I had to go beyond hope
and fear and break from the shackles of success or failure. Today I am still learning
what right action feels like. Its clarity, its energy. I still get angry,
enraged, and frustrated. I try not to be driven by these emotions but, rather,
use their energy to propel me toward compassionate action. I do know that I
cannot be an interface for this compassion until I transcend hope and fear and
bear witness and then act judiciously... at least that’s my intention.
My name is Eddie and
I’m in recovery from civilization…
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