Hola
mi Gente,
When
I was at the peak of blog writing several years ago, the Friday Sex blog was
one of my favorite activities. There was a lot of interaction between myself
and my readers and it was fun getting private questions from people curious
about a wide range of sexual subjects. There were even some professional (and
nonprofessional) models that would send me photos (as in the one below) to post
on my blog. It seemed to me that those sex blogs epitomized the
community-building and interaction that blogging is all about.
So
here goes, the return of the Friday Sex Blog. If you have any questions or
subjects you would for me to explore, please feel free to let me know. I
promise to respect your anonymity if you so desire…
* * *
The Futility of Goal-Oriented Sex
Too often sex resembles a contest. If there ever was a
metaphor we need to do away with, it has to be the “war of the sexes.” In a patriarchal,
zero-sum society, where the mentality of “winner takes all” prevails, it is no
wonder that sex resembles a race. What should be something pleasurable and
intimate instead becomes who can have the most intense orgasm, who can “do”
who, who can suck better, or last longer, etc. It is absolutely startling...
One of the consequences of this mindset is that sex becomes
something people do mindlessly, a transactional release often committed in the
darkened corridors of their shame. What would happen to the simple of act of
touching, for example, if we took the goal-oriented mindset away from it?
What if a man or woman touched you simply for the sake of
touching?
What would it feel like if your lover bathed you with no
expectation? Imagine being caressed for a long period of time, being bathed,
towel-dried, massaged, pampered, touched, looked at, explored sensuously,
lovingly, intimately -- without sex being the endgame.
What would that do to your comfort with intimacy, touch, and
nudity -- to have your lover drink in your body with his or her eyes like that?
Just for the sake of looking?
The first casualty of long-term relationships is often the
loss of sexual expression in the form of excitement, playfulness, spontaneity,
and seductive touching. Perhaps we all need a re-orienting toward pleasurable
sensual feelings. Without sensuality there is no real sex, and without sex,
there's no genuine intimacy. Emphasizing a creative-type exploration, in a
relaxed, psychologically safe, non-goal oriented manner, sensual pleasure
becomes a path to sexual healing or re-awakening.
Lovers develop assumptions (often based on misperceptions)
and fall into ruts, creating awkwardness or an obstacle toward asking for a
different type of touching.
Try the following exercise (if you don't have someone to do
this with, I will gladly volunteer. Kidding!).
Exercise: Non- Genital Exploration/
Pleasuring
For this exercise, one partner should be the giver and the
other the recipient. Interestingly enough, many men feel less comfortable as a
receiver.
It is important before beginning to sit down and talk for a
little while -- perhaps over coffee or a small meal. Some might prefer a drink,
but keep in mind that alcohol is a sexual suppressant. Recall an experience
when you both felt close and intimate. Express this feeling.
Gradually, allow your partner to caress your hands. Notice
the differences in size and texture. Hands can communicate a lot.
If you choose to shower, experiment with different types of
sprays and temperature. If bathing, try a new bath oil or soap.
Soap your partner's back, caressing it as you do. Trace the
contours of the muscles with your fingers, gently massaging. Do the same with
the front of your partner's body. Soap his or her neck. Skip the breasts and
genital area for now. Soap your own body. Take in your lover's body as if you
were looking for the first time.
Slowly, gently towel your partner and then move to the
bedroom. The room should be comfortable and slightly dimmed. You should,
however be able to see your lover's body. Have some soft music playing in the
background.
Have the recipient lay face down. The recipient has three
tasks: The first is to be passive and receive
pleasure. The second is to keep the eyes closed throughout the exercise so as
to be able to concentrate on the physical feelings and sensations. The third is
to be aware of what parts of the body and what types of touch are sensuous.
The giver's tasks are is to provide the recipient with a
variety of experiences that help increase awareness of sensual feelings. The
giver can enjoy trying various types of touching and experience the body in new
ways. The emphasis here is on exploring
rather than arousing in order to get somewhere or prove something. The point is
to feel comfortable, to enjoy the experience. Feel free to allow your creative
energy to flow, embrace playfulness, be innovative. These are guidelines, not hard
and fast rules.
Begin at your partner’s feet can caress them. Pay attention
to the details, as if you were a tourist and your venue your lover’s body. Take
notice of the texture of the skin, outline the counters your lover’s body with
your fingers. Caress the nooks and crannies, the curves, and valleys. Gently
massage, moving from the feet up to the legs, stopping to pay attention to all
the details. For example, pay attention to rubbing the soft spot behind the
knee. Examine and explore the thigh. Look for the little places you have never
touched before. Massage the buttocks, some people carry baggage in this area
because of its association with defecation, but the buttocks is one of the most
sensitive and sensual areas of the body; they comprise an erogenous zone of a
multitude of nerve endings.
In this manner, explore the whole of your lover’s body and
when you have finished, switch roles. This is not a tit for tat game. The focus
is on enjoying, exploring, touching, learning, comfort, developing trust, and
sensuality. Because talking takes you away from bodily experiences, it is best
to do this silently.
After, sit together over a cup of tea or coffee, and share
your feelings and experiences. First share positive feelings and then express
what might have felt problematic. Try to maintain a positive ratio and see the
negative not as blame, but as a bridge to a closer intimacy.
My name is Eddie and I’m in recovery from civilization…
Labels: sex, sexual awareness, sexuality,
touch
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