Hola! Everybody...
OK! Normally, I ignore most of what evolutionary
psychology has to say because they are utter pan-adaptationists. Some have even
used this proclivity to “rationalize” rape and other seriously fucked up
behaviors. However, I couldn’t let this one go...
Seminal Antidepressant
Or: Why Swallowers are Happier
Most
of my female readers are probably familiar with the McClintock effect,
also known as the “dormitory effect.” It’s the discovery of the phenomenon
wherein the menstrual cycles of women living in close quarters tend to
synchronize. This phenomenon has been observed in women living together. It has
been found in roommates, close friends, and most strongly between mothers and
daughters. It has also been noted in mice, hamsters, and rats. It has been suggested that ovulation (the process
of releasing an egg from the ovary) is socially regulated and this leads to
what is called menstrual synchronicity. In other words, women who live
together will have their periods at the same time (there's even a FB page
dedicated to this effect).
A
couple of researchers developed an interest in the psychological properties of
semen as a result in their exploration of menstrual synchrony. Gordon Gallup
and Rebecca Burch, evolutionary psychologists from the State University of New
York, had stumbled onto data showing that, unlike heterosexually active women
residing together, sexually involved lesbians failed to show evidence of
the “McClintock effect.” Since olfactory signals (called pheromones) are known
to mediate menstrual synchrony, the authors found this peculiar.
They
wanted to know what it was about heterosexual females that promoted menstrual
synchrony, or conversely what is it about lesbians that prevented menstrual
synchrony. It occurred to them that one feature that distinguishes heterosexual
women from lesbians is the presence or absence of semen in the female
reproductive tract. Lesbians have semen-free sex.
Gallup
and Burch hypothesized that chemicals in human semen affect female biology in
such a way that women who have condomless sex literally start to smell
different from those women who do not -- or at least, their bodies emit the
pheromones that neurologically imprint menstrual cycles among cohabitating
women. Gallup and Burch quickly discovered that although much was known about
basic semen chemistry, virtually nothing was known about how these chemicals
might influence female biology, behavior, and psychology.
It
has been known for a very long time that the vagina is an ideal route for drug
delivery. An impressive vascular network surrounds the vagina: arteries, blood
vessels, and lymphatic vessels abound, and -- unlike some other routes of drug
administration -- chemicals that are absorbed through the vaginal walls have an
almost direct line to the body’s circulatory system. Taking this into
consideration, Gallup and Burch surmised that, as with any artificially derived
chemical substance, semen might also have certain chemical properties that affect
female biology.
Bear
in mind that although they are often erroneously mistaken in everyday language,
“semen” is not the same thing as “sperm.” In fact, only about 1 to 5 percent of
the average human ejaculate consists of sperm cells. The rest of the ejaculate
is referred to as “seminal plasma.” So in discussing the chemical composition
of semen, it is the plasma itself, not the spermatozoa, that is at issue.
It
turns out that, in fact, that semen has a very complicated chemical profile,
containing over 50 different compounds (including hormones, neurotransmitters,
endorphins, and immunosupressants) each with a special function and occurring
in different concentrations within the seminal plasma. The most
conspicuous of these compounds is the bundle of mood-enhancing chemicals in
semen. There is much good in my jism, it seems. These include, but are by no
means limited to, cortisol (known to increase affection), estrone (which
elevates mood), prolactin (a natural antidepressant), oxytocin (also known as the
“love chemical” which elevates mood), thyrotropin-releasing hormone (another
antidepressant), melatonin (a sleep-inducing agent) and even serotonin (perhaps
the most well-known antidepressant neurotransmitter).
Given
the composition of semen, and this is just a small sample of the mind-altering
drugs found in human semen, Gallup and Burch, along with psychologist Steven
Platek, hypothesized that women having unprotected sex should be less depressed
than suitable control participants. To investigate whether semen has
antidepressant effects, the authors rounded up 293 college females from the
SUNY-Albany campus, who agreed to fill out an anonymous, written questionnaire
about various aspects of their sexual behavior. Recent sexual activity without
condoms was used as an indirect measure of seminal plasma circulating in the
woman’s body. Each participant also completed the Beck Depression Inventory, a
commonly used clinical measure of depressive symptoms.
Now,
I think you know where I’m going with this, right? LOL
The
most significant findings from this 2002 study was that sexually active
(non-condom-using) women also showed fewer depressive symptoms than did those
who abstained from sex altogether. By contrast, sexually active women, even
really promiscuous ones, who used condoms were just as depressed as
those practicing total abstinence. In other words, it’s not just that women who
are having sex are simply happier, but instead happiness appears to be a
function of the ambient seminal fluid pulsing through one’s veins.
My
ding dong, dear ladies, is a happiness drug dispenser! LOL I’m kidding! Let me
add that similar studies looking into oral and anal sex (heterosexual and
homosexual) resulted in similar findings. This lends credence to my assertion
that “spitters are quitters.” Sorry, I just can’t help myself, the jokes write
themselves here. LOL
So!
What do we get from all this (aside from the realization that you can call me
for some serotonin uptake)? Well, that in addition to suffering some muscle atrophy
you might also experience some depressive episodes if you’re not getting your
fair measure of semen. Don’t you just love it?!! Actually, the study is plagued by a number of methodological issues, but I had to grab onto it. LOL I also am not suggesting depression isn't a serious issue, I'm just having a little fun. One highly respected surgeon, however, lost his job for making similar jokes.
Well,
that’s it for today, boys and girls! Remember: sex is good for you!
My
name is Eddie and I’m in recovery from civilization…
References
Bering,
J. (2010 September 22). An ode to the many evolved virtues of human semen. Scientific
American, 31, 289-293. (here)
Gallup, G. G., Jr.,
Burch, R. L., & Platek, S. M. (2002). Does Semen Have Antidepressant
Properties? Archives of Sexual Behavior, 31(3), 289-293. (here)
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