Thursday, March 4, 2010

Honesty and Relationships

¡Hola! Everybody...
My friend Shellyhope posted a great little music video today. It’s called “Do You Want to Date my Avatar,” and aside from being catchy, it’s hilarious. I think I may have fallen “in love” with one or two avatars myself. LOL!

I'll be gone all day and most of the evening...

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-=[ Honesty ]=-

Whenever we’re being phony, Machiavellian, manipulating other people by withholding… you end up cheating yourself of contact with that person. The reason for telling the truth is to have authentic contact or intimate experience in your life.

-- Brad Blanton

The root word for spirituality comes from a Latin word that means to breathe. This is interesting in that it can lend a basic definition of spirituality that goes beyond dogma and religion: what connects us all is our breath. We all need to breathe and we all share the same supply existing on this planet. If I were to come up with a broad definition of spirituality is that it is about connection. It is about connection to each other, to the Universal, to our ecology, to everything.

Modern physics has taught us lessons recently and one is that the basic way we see reality is flawed. Underlying our reality is an essential connection that should teach us that we are more integrated than we think and that our actions, even our thoughts, influence our surroundings, loved ones, and even strangers in ways that we’re only just beginning to grasp.

The ego-centered Mini Me, which is to feel everyone as separate, influences our normal habit of relating and because of this we’re compelled to speak and act strategically. This is as true for women as it is for men. As long as we operate from the perspective of the Mini Me, even when we’re trying to do the right thing, we are still doing it from an ego-centered perspective: how can I, or how can this person, fulfills my needs, what am I feeling, how can I express my truths.

This stance is, in fact, the cause of the underlying feeling of separation that causes us to suffer in relationships, more than who said or did what to whom. The Mini Me works behind the scenes, unconsciously trying to fit the other into our world and, without even trying, we become manipulative. Jeeez! The stakes are too fuckin’ high, the unmet needs and fears too great, to allow us to do otherwise. What often happens in relationships is that we create these unspoken agreements to support each other in this dramatic dance of need: “I’ll go along with your story, if you’ll go along with mine.” Let me be clear here: a relationship, any relationship based on need is called co-dependent. What’s happening in such relationships is that the participants are trying to fill a need that only exists as a false belief system (“I need to be completed”).

In mutual dependency, the tension gets so high that we become willing to lie or avoid talking (another form of lying) about a situation in order to keep the relationship “manageable.” If you doubt me, just pick up any one of the “The Rules” books (“time tested secrets for capturing the heart of Mr. Right) and tell me if that isn’t a blueprint for manipulation and dishonesty. In this way, our way of relating becomes a method for reinforcing our basic feeling of being apart, small, and lack. Secrets and lies are what we know.

The sense of feeling small and separate forces us to see every problem and feeling of discomfort as external. Shit, if I don’t feel good, it is because you made me feel that way! Think about that statement. I mean really think about it: is it a true statement, or a belief?

When we relate to each other from a place of separation, we act as if the other person exists on the far side of an abyss. We can shout and wave, feel empathy, and then call that skillful communication. But even then, that deep feeling of isolation has not been addressed.



1 comment:

  1. I'm with you - brutal honesty is important if one expects to maintain trust in relationships...
    I just wrote about the same thing!


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